airplanejayne

Sunday, 3 a.m.

2011-05-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

The sky sobs and the wind weeps
and I join them.
a weeping rage wracking my heart
torn between sobs and screams
dashed illusions and shattered dreams,
or is that dashed dreams and shattered illusions?
Confusion.

Insomnia, my new lover, is sleeping soundly
with a disrythmic snoring
masking the cries that shake my bones
ignoring
my muffled what ifs, maybes and perhaps's galore
he just snores.

I am alone to mend.
Well, me and the Sky and Wind
Ah wait -- who's that sighing?

Even the Man in the Moon is crying.

My Students

2010-08-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

She greeted me on Monday, sans homework, but with an explanation: Her mother was killed on Saturday, could she turn it in tomorrow? Would that be okay?

On Tuesday morning he told me he wasn’t afraid of anything
That nothing scared him, hurt him, or could make him cry
He came and told me Wednesday, he discovered that fear was a gun held to his head. That he now knew; he was afraid of dead.

Her chair was empty Thursday, I didn’t know why until late
(Thank God she didn’t wait)
When her momma’s boyfriend blasted through the door, and momma fell (dead) to the floor,
she jumped out the window, baby sister in tow, and ran to safety of a neighbor she didn’t know.

Friday. Nothing bad ever happens on a Friday – I just pray they make it two days, and return on Monday, to the safety of my classroom.

2010-05-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

Kill Bill, Volume 3
When I find Bill, I’m gonna kill him.
You think I jest or a jester be?
Ha – Watch me –
I’ll make Uma Thurman look like PeeWee Herman
-all gawky and amateurish.
I’ll have him
--make him crawl,
Have him
-- back pinned to the wall
“Look what you’ve created, what you’ve done
Left me mooning for that fucking sun in the east "
Not minding your dagger’s prick in the least.

When I find Bill, I’m gonna kill him.
Damn man – and his teasing words, and tantilizing hands
I may have that reversed
Curs-ed man could argue with one, and hold close with the other
I may have that reversed
But you might wanna call a hearse
Cause…
When I find Bill, I’m gonna kill him.

He had me falling for Cupid’s arrows and traps,
Laboring over love’s labor lost
Paying the cost
Time
and time
and time again
Thinking, maybe, just maybe this time it would be
Maybe this time
– it would be me
To sing Hey Nonny, nonny hey
But it was never my day
So
You might wanna tell him
Warn him, and his next of kin
When I find him, I’m gonna kill him.
-and not shed a tear –-
-gonna kill Bill.
Bill Shakespeare.

February 14th...

2010-02-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

I Fell In Love With His Lips

2010-01-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

So -- this one has been banging around the brain, and I've not been able to help it out. Words and actions -- contradicting.....I'm still looking at it -- and it may change, but I thought I'd share it:

His lips said, “You have a beautiful voice”
While his eyes scolded, “You laugh too loudly.”
Lips exclaimed, “I felt joy when we met”
hands screamed, “I can’t stand you near me.”
Lips purred, “You have the most amazing eyes,”
But ears burned, “Why must you be so intense?”
Lips praised, “I was so happy you said yes”
Legs stumbled, “Tho’ I’m more comfortable on the fence”
Lips whispered, “Your embrace is my haven,”
Arms pushed, “But your love is contrived.”
Lips begged, “I was afraid I’d scare you off,”
As feet faltered, “That’s why I didn’t arrive.”
Lips pursed, “You won’t be alone long”
Hips cursed, “You’ll always live in fear
His lips promised, “I am better with you,”
While his body cried, “I’m not me when you’re near.”

A Clean Shot

2010-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

I've become a Facebook Whore. Or Addict. You choose. It is wildly entertaining, and I get instant gratification -- but my writing has suffered. So, here I am. I am going to try to write something at least a few times a month......

I was challenged by a friend to write a complete story in 101 words. For a wordysmith such as I, this meant edit, edit, edit. But here it is:

“I’m not nervous.” If you didn’t see the single drop of sweat on his forehead, you’d believe him. Slowly, he fingered the mechanism with his trigger-finger. “Just do it; get it over with,” he chided. The sweat drop paused at his eyebrow. “It’s your job! One shot, and out.” Resolvedly, he placed his finger back on the cold metal, and pushed. The sound ricocheted in the small space. The bead of sweat dropped into his eye as space before him filled with her fearful face. Her lips parted, pleading, but he cut her off, “Sorry, M’am, here are your foreclosure papers.”

It's That Time Again!!!

2009-10-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

I have some GREAT excuses for why I've not been blogging:

1. I'm teaching three subjects (by my choice -- what was I thinking!?!?!?) and never have time to blog.

2. I have nothing to say.

3. It's getting close to Rogue Time again.

4. I've become a Facebook Whore.

Okay -- two of those are true....

But being a ho is still illegal -- so let's go with Rogue 2010....

Breathing

2009-08-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

Surely it isn’t possible to have mistaken
heroin for oxygen?
Someone as intelligent as I
Could not be trapped by
Such an obvious slight
-of-hand…Breathe in, breathe in,

::sigh::

Of course! It is not possible to have mistaken
heroin for oxygen.
These ideas and dreams that have sprung to life
-this absence of strife
-this abundance of goodness…
A deadly addiction!?!?
Don’t be asinine. Breathe in, breathe in.

::sigh::

Surely it is not possible that I have mistaken
heroin for oxygen.
The skin I’m in
is healthy; wallet still wealthy
If this were drugs of a
dangerous faire,
(As opposed to simply normal air),
wouldn’t I cease to even care
about the state or fate of either?
Breathe in, breathe in

::sigh::

This cannot be!! It is impossible to have mistaken
Heroin for oxygen!
…but I’m getting no satisfaction from the air
As it tears through my veins…
…and I’m in constant anticipation
Of my next inhalation…
-which never seems to have the depth
of my previous breath.
Breathe in, breathe in

::sigh::

Surely….it isn’t possible….

::sigh::

Have I mistaken
heroin for oxygen?

One Night in Bangkok - er, make that Copenhagen

2009-07-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

One night in Bangkok and the girls...

wait -- wrong country.

Wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen...

I have just returned from Sweden and Denmark! The primary purpose was to attend my friends, Steven and Kajsa's wedding. --Which was fabulous!

But as usual, there was a secondary purpose -- HAVE FUN!!!!

First stop was Tivoli Gardens - the second oldest amusement park in the world. As I was strolling ('cause that's what you do whilst in Denmark - stroll), I was suddenly confronted by a little boy with HUGE Bambi eyes crying, "Pappa! Pappa!" Everyone else around was either ignoring or overreacting, so I knelt down, took his hands and started talking to him. Within a minute "Pappa" came around the corner (he was waiting on the wrong side of the ride for his son to exit). Bambi wouldn't let go of my hand. Hot Pappa thanked me, and asked me if I'd like to join them for a bite. Yes, yes, I was hoping Hot Pappa wanted me to bite him, or vice-versa...
-no such luck
-alas, Hot Pappa was actually Hot Widower Pappa -- of six months. Over the course of the next hour (eating and strolling), I realized that he was unavailable.
Not like that's new for me, eh? I am constantly attracted to unavailable men...

I bid Hot Pappa and Bambi, "Farvel" (goodbye).

I happened to be in Copenhagen during the Jazz Festival, so there was amazing music to be heard everywhere. As I headed (dejectedly) towards my hotel, my ears were enticed by the music coming from a corner bar. "Why not?" I propositioned myself. Hey -- no one else was, so I might as well pick myself up. I pulled up my big-girl-panties (figuratively, of course), headed in and took a seat.
The waiter mistook me for a local (happened more than once), and asked for my order in Danish. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm American, and only speak English."
"An American!" erupted the table behind me.
Preparing to bolt, and murmuring apologies, I began to rise -- until The Travelers (their name for themselves) explained that they had been collecting countries (!!!), and had yet to find an American for their group.
I became their American. We stayed there for a few hours, until the waiter told us we should head on down to an Irish Pub a few blocks away.
Irish pub + The Travelers + alcohol = Irish Drinking Songs gone wild.

One clothing change (hey, I was still in amusement park attire) and freshenup later, and we found ourselves with steins and voices raised.

I don't remember HIM walking in -- or HIM joining our group. But suddenly, I was aware of HIM. This hot guy sitting next to me, singing Irish songs, accidentally (not) bumping me, and talking to me:
"Excuse me, but - did you know - your eyes -- your eyes are the color of the Italian sky?"

Pull my hair, throw me on the floor-what happens in Copenhagen stays in Copen-

"Sorry? Are you talking to me?"

He repeated the analogy -- and by then I was a puddle of goo.

I was trying to get control of the goo, drag McHottie out of there by his hair, when I heard this soft voice in my other ear:

"Hello."

"Oh, APj - I want you to meet my wife. How would you like to come home with us?"

"Oh.....Oh my. Ummmm....thanks......but.....um......no thanks. I kinda like veggies...not so crazy about....the....fruit"

Yup - I left. Alone. What happens in Copenhagen -- happened without me.

Just another reason why....

2009-06-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Approximately 10 (or so) years ago, a baby Great Horned Owl fell from a nest on my property. We (the neighbors, my ex, and I) were unable to get her back in the nest - Mom and Dad were going nuts, and we were frantic trying to figure out a plan. We called "the bird lady" up in the foothills, who came down and took our baby home to nurse back to health. A few months later, she brought her back to release.

And she stayed. Over the years, she and her mate have resided here. Oh sure, sometimes months would go by without me seeing them, or talking to them.
Yes -- I said talking -- and no, I'm not crazy.

My city (and some of my country) friends thought I was nuts when I told them that my owls talked to me. When I would arrive home late, they would call to me -- her voice pitched a bit higher than her mates. I would answer back, and they would hoot once more.

This year -- they had babies. Three babies. And yes....the babies talk to me. Well, screech actually (as they don't hoot yet). I can walk right up to the tree, and they all stay. The other night, I was out talking to one of the babies, and the other two flew over to join baby huey (that's what I call the roundest one --the one that the stupid bluejays pick on the most).

I think I'm a good apple

2009-06-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

This came in my email this morning:

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men...
-Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Freeflying or Falling

2009-05-24T20:21:00.001-07:00

I stand, toes dangling over the edge
feel air race up my thighs, close my eyes,
Damn –
I swear I hear the Wind beckon me, “Fly!”

“Ahhh...Wind,” I reply,
“Freefall is relatively painless
But that last foot? Done wrong can leave you brainless.”

But it’s safe here on the edge;
and with eyes closed and arms spread wide
it almost feels like a skydive
Wind beckons again, “Fly!”
So I lean into it
but damn

- I still remember
that painful last foot. Should have been fatal
though it wasn’t. Snapped a femur and filled a lung
but I guess I wasn’t done.
Brushed myself off, and raced to back to the edge.

Have I told you?
It’s safe here on the edge,
And with eyes closed and arms spread wide,
It almost feels like a skydive…
Wind beckons, “Come on, damn it! Fly!”
So I lean into it
but damn

- I still remember
that painful last foot.
It certainly felt fatal
but it wasn’t.
Shattered my confidence, splattered
my heart on the floor of the shower,
leaving me feeling power-
less
but nonetheless,
brushed myself off, and raced back to the edge.

Don’t you understand?
It’s so damn safe here on the edge,
Eyes clamped shut and fists raised wide
It almost feels like a skydive
Wind beckons, “You have got to fly!
Just let go and try,
And besides
You know what they say about the third time…”

So I lean into it,
but damn-

-how do a I know which three
it will be:
a strike or a charm?
Happiness or harm?

So, do you see now?
Do you see why I perch here on the edge?

Because it’s safe.

And it almost feels like a skydive.

If only the Wind would stop beckoning me, “Fly!”

A Few of My Favorite Smells

2009-05-20T20:36:00.001-07:00

Somehow, it all fits. I am nasally-oriented.

When I was three, I put a string of glass beads (Christmas decorations) up my nose. Just because they were pretty.

Shortly thereafter, I informed my brother, Satan, that I could fit three pussywillows up my nose. He dared me to try for four.
Yup -- I could.

Middle School found me hating boogers -- mainly because they made it so hard to breathe. In the midst of a horrible cold, I thought that if I kept blowing my nose, the snot would not stay. Blow, blow, blow.
bam! The busted artery story.

It's still all about my nose...

I love smells......

1. Orange blossoms
2. Vanilla
3. Lavender
4. Chocolate
5. Clean Sheets
6. Eucalyptus Tree
7. Grass (as in lawn)
8. Ginger
9. Gasoline (I don't get this either....I maybe be a secret huffer or something)
10. Man

Well....I may need to work on the order here....

2009-05-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

I must have pissed of an Ent. Seriously. I don't know how. I don't know when -- but at sometime I must have.

I love trees. Some of you read this Ode to the Leaf. My love of leaves is obvious -- as (should be) my love of where they come from.

And yet -- they're out to get me. THIS IS NOT PARANOIA.

Remember this incident? How many 100 ft Acacia trees are there in San Francisco? But the one with wobbly footing decides to crush my car....

And then this morning.....I walk out to the garage this morning.
::crap::
I forgot to put the car in the garage! It'll be covered in dewy stuff and all....I might need to wash it--
::vvrrrooommmm:: (that's the noise the garage door makes)
::crap::
Wow! Those leaves and that branch sure look low -- they're almost
::crap::
I think the tree fell on my car. Again.

So.....I walk around to the other side.....

::sigh of relief:::

It seems to have missed the car. But I've got to go to work!!! Can I get the car out of the driveway? Pull forward. Turn. Back up, turn wheel tight. ::crap:: is that a scrapy noise? Pull forward, turn again. Back up, s-l-o-w-l-y, turning wheel t-i-g-h-t-l-y. ::crap:: Don't fall into the drainage hole on the left side.
::sigh:: I think I'm clear.

HOLY COW!!! I made it around that!?!?!?!?

Damn.....I'm good.

Anybody up for a chainsaw party?

A Teaching Moment

2009-04-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

In addition to teaching 7th grade Language Arts, I also teach a Reading Intervention class - targeted at students who are reading 2+ years below their reading level. Most of these students have struggled with reading since 1st grade, and reading has never been something they enjoyed.
I try to change that.
I show them strategies to use while they are reading that help them retain the information. And we try to have fun.
This is one of my favorites
At the end of each chapter, I ask the students to write down 2-3 favorite lines from the chapter. They might like the figurative language - they might have a personal connection - whatever.
**I DO NOT TELL THEM WHY WE ARE COLLECTING THEM**

When we finish the novel, they cut out their sentences, select a few, and put them in a different sequence to create:

FOUND POETRY
Here is my example from the novel, "The Music of Dolphins," by Karen Hesse.
Note: This novel is written at a 5th grade level, but is 7-8th grade interest. It is written in a journal form, and reminds me a lot of "Flowers for Algernon."

I watch the red sun set into a choppy sea
I am on this beach of grass with no ocean, with no quiet, with no clean air to breathe.
Waves whisper onto the beach, sucking at my heels and my toes.
I must get back to the sea.
In the sea there are no locks or switches, no doors or walls.
I can leave my human thought on the beach
I swim out to them on the murmuring sea
-like the wings of the ray flying through the slow green water
What we are doing will not fade like a sunset.

Bambi - The Book, not the Disney Movie

2009-04-24T17:29:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite chapter from the novel, Bambi. No Bambi, no Thumper, no Faline, no Karus. In fact, the characters don't even have names! But this chapter affected me then, as it still does today. I recently read this chapter to my students, who loved it (of course). I then thought I should share it with you. So, naturally, I had to make a little video to go with my reading...

Since reading this book (I believe I was around 10), I have never looked at leaves as "plain." I don't crunch them when I walk, I don't jump in them, and sometimes...sometimes I tell them they're beautiful....

Who's Your Mama?

2009-04-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

So...sometime in March, I got a call from my friend Kate. "APJ, I've got a show for you."
these can sometimes be dangerous words...especially from Kate.

"What kinda show?"

"Well, Gilmour Floyd is doing a show at the Tower Theatre on April 11th. They're going to be recreating scenes from the Pink Floyd movie. And...and...and....well.....would you play "The Mom"?

Granted, I think I was in college the last time I saw the movie -- but I remember her as being...kinda scary.
"Sure, Kate! Sounds fun! What will I have to do?"

"Great, APJ! Don't worry. Becky will do everything.
Step #1. Becky got rid of my hair -- put it all in pincurls on top of my head. Ouch...but only a little.

Note: I thought this would be worth the pain -- that I would have beautiful curly locks the next morning. Nope -- frizzy and kinky....
- um -
Not "that" kind of kinky...

Step #2. Put do-rag on head, and loadup on the blue eye-doo.

Note: I don't know why Becky is making this face -- SHE did my face. Oh...maybe she's realizing I don't have my hair on yet.

Step #3 Hair and Costume time. 'nuff said.

Step #4. Go find my cute son. Who seems to be...quite fond of...my bodacious ta-tas.
Ermm.....obviously, breastfeeding him for five years may have been a mistake.

Step #5. Pose with everybody else. Everybody else who was able to get ready in, like five minutes. Me? 90 minutes. But, personally? I think I look FAB - U - LOUS!!

I like dreaming....

2009-03-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

Some of you remember my friend, Steve from this exchange. He and his much-better-half now reside in Sweden, and are planning their nuptials for this summer.
-yes, yes, they do everything backwards: child, move followed by a wedding, instead of wedding, move, and then child. A beautiful child, Anja, by the way, whom, you may recall, knows her Auntie Jayne quite well

I plan on traveling to Sweden this summer, and the trip has been on my mind, and, obviously, in my dreams, as can be seen in this email I thought I'd share with ya'll....

Dearest Steve and Kajsa,

So, I had this great dream. I'm at your wedding/moving party

- Yes, yes, you're moving
-What? I don't know!!?!?!? You just are--
--hey that's not important- remember, it's MY dream

I'm sitting at the end of the table with Anja on my left, when these two hot guys jostle each other for the seat on my right.
and here's the cool thing-

I knew they were both hot for me.

Yup. In my dreamworld, I am not sextarded.

::dances around the room::
uh-huh, uh-huh,

love, the sofrickinghot APj

ps #1 name was Michael, so he's out. Didn't catch #2's name, but he had a chest like a sailor. Perhaps he's with the.... SWEDISH NAVY!?!?

APj Smackdown

2009-03-17T13:20:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I forget that I'm a 48 year-old woman.
Not necessarily a BAD thing -- for example, if I were on a date with a hot 32 year-old, and he made me forget that I was 48 -- GOOD THING.
Brawling with thugs? Not a GOOD THING.

We had finished striking all the Rogue sets and lights, and were heading for Rogue Storage. I saw something fly through the air and hit the brickwall of a store. My sister thought it was a skateboard, kicked by one of the two teenagers walking on the sidewalk.
It. was. not. a. skateboard.
It. was. a. puppy.

I made a face, and that is probably where the incident would have ended.

-except-

One of the teens squared up on the cowering puppy, kicked and started swinging.

And APj metamorphosed into The Hulk.

Brakes and tires squealing, I threw my seatbelt off, and leaped from the car,
"Motherf#c!ker! Touch that dog one more time, and I'll kick the sh!t out of you!"

He stopped swinging at the dog -
GOOD THING.
And started walking towards me
BAD THING
saying, "You dint see nothin' b!t#h! You dint see nothin' "

By this time, he and his friend are right in front of me -- and I'm realizing that he is at least 4 inches taller than me --
--but hey -- I'm a whole hell-of-a-lot crazier than him -- so I walk right up to him, jab him in the chest and retort, "Yeah? I saw the whole thing, a##ho!e! You don't --"

At this point, he and his ugly thug friend started backing away, with a "whatcha gonna do, b!tch? whatcha gonna do?"

"What am I gonna do?" I pulled out my cellphone, "This, A##ho!e!" and dialed 9-1-1.

Yes, yes, I know - I should have taken a picture with my cellphone. Damn adrenaline. And yes, yes, I realize (in hindsight), that this was not the smartest move I've ever made.

But I'd do it again. Yup. I'm crazy that way.

2009 Rogue

2009-03-12T16:26:00.001-07:00

We Rogued hard, and put 'em away wet.
-or something like that.

Here's a few pictures that I stole (mostly from Lecram) to share with you.

I'll be writing more about my Mann-I-Can over the weekend.

Practicing My Rogue Show!

2009-02-18T20:02:00.001-08:00

Dear Bloggers,
I would like to introduce you to my partner in my new Rogue Show: this is DJ. DJ is helping me create my Man-I-Can for my show. The first week at my house, he hung around nekkid. Nekkid, because I don't have any man clothes at my house anymore!
I can hear you! You're thinking, "Is he anatomically correct?" The short answer is - No. No, but -
Um....he doesn't "dent in" like Ken (the Barbie Ken) did -
-Can I just say I think Ken messed me up for years?
- But there's no......umm......parts. More like a .....codpiece. Interesting.
He kinda freaked me out the first night. Okay, he really freaked me out - I kept forgetting he was there, and I'd come around the counter, and, "Oh shit! There's a nekkid man in my dining ro - oh, it's only my mannequin."
This happened three or four times that evening, before I finally crawled into bed,with my brain musing, "wouldn't it be funny if he was standing somewhere else when you woke up?"

I replied, "NO, Brain!!!!! No, that wouldn't be funny!!!!!"

But once the thought was planted, it grew at warp speed in APj's fertile nightmare brain. "Oh, I know: what if you get up to go to the bathroom and he's at the end of the hall.....and when you come out of the bathroom his arms have switched positions.....and then when you roll over in bed you can see him in the doorway....and then, and then, and then."
Shit.
I had to get out of bed, go to the kitchen, take his arms off and place them on the counter.

"Well, "warned my brain, "he can still hurt you."

"No he can't," I retorted, "he doesn't even have a peni"

"That doesn't matter!" my brain replied, "he can headbutt you to death!"

"Fine!" I whispered through clenched teeth, "I'll just remove his torso, and place it over here on the table! How's that, brain? Can we go to sleep yet?"

"No."

"No? Why?"

"Because, because his lower half could still walk into the bedroom and att-"

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A PENI-"

"SO!!!!! He could strangle you with his plastic thighs! And he'd be so pissed you took him apart-"

"Fine! I've got this!" I reply, as I turn his lower half so that it's facing the counter, "everyone knows a mannequin can't back up."

"They can't?" questions Brain.

"No," I responded confidently, "I saw it on Dr. Who."

DJ and I are working on our show, which opens in (crap!) 10 days. He keeps losing his hand, or trying to upstage me. I'll try to post more stories and pictures over the next few days.

So it is written, so let it be done....

2009-02-08T08:36:00.001-08:00

Crap. I guess I'd better finish the last few bits.....

Today, I am celebrating saying, "Yes"

2009-02-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

DA COUNT!
I have a hard time saying, "No."
Some of my friends would disagree with that statement, but it's true. If you ask me, I'll probably say yes.
Please note: ask. Not beat around a bush, not accidentally imply, just ask.

::sigh:: I think I'm going off on a tangent - a tangent I don't want to deal with right now.

Because today, I'm counting...and celebrating..... "Yes."

"APj, would you like some coffee?"
"Yes."

"Apj, would you put a tiara on your head, a feather boa around your neck, and a cardboard box 'car' around you and race it around the gym for the rally?"
"Yes"

"APj, would you please help me with my taxes?"
"Yes."

"APj, would you put this air-filled Sumowrestler costume on and wrestle one of the wrestlers that won the City championship?"
"Yes."

See? Just ask me.....

"Apj, can I pull your hair?"

Tag. It's not a game for children...

2009-01-30T20:53:00.001-08:00

So, I got tagged over on my Facebook. Actually, I got tackled - like four people at once. Ouch. Not wanting to be a spoil-sport, I played. Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. I did it, but thought I'd put it up here too!

::sigh:: I always hated tag - all that chasey-chasey wore me out!

wait - that's a good one - let's start there:

1. Don't make me chase you - it's just gonna make me mad when I catch you. Plus you'll have to wait while I catch my breath.
2. I am very aware of breath. If yours is bad, I'm not interested.
3. I don't like my food touching. Yes, I know that most of you know that already. But it is very random. And it is me. At least I'm not one of those OCD people who eat all of one food before they start on the next.
4. I don't mind people with food issues. It takes the attention off of my issues.
5. I have potty issues in my dreams. Often, in my dreams, my toilet is viewable to the world. Which makes want to hide.
6. Sometimes, when I'm hiding in the closet in my dreams, I find really cool rooms that I wish were real. One time I found an entire apartment. Another time I found a really cool bathroom. But it didn't have a toilet.
7. Two of my friends bought me lunch trays so I don't have to worry about my food touching. I love my friends.
8. I have a song written about me.
9. I have a song written about my horse.
10. That line about having a song to sing all over this land? That's just stupid.
11. I moved to California when I was 19 because I had a wild hair up my @#!. Getting waxed would probably have been less painful.
12. Pain is not always a bad thing.
13. I removed the stitches/staples from my hip because the toysRus doctor was too wimpy.
14. I almost shot my refrigerator one night because I thought there was a burglar in the kitchen. Ask me sometime -- it really was funny. Not at-the-moment-funny -- but later-that-week-funny.
15. People think that I am stronger than I think I am. Actually, you could put a whole lot of different adjectives there....
16. I see nothing wrong with my shallowness. Hey, it worked for Hal, didn't it?
17. Vanilla wafers and cream cheese frosting. Yum.
18. I have really hot-looking friends. Which sometimes makes me a little insecure. Until I remember that I'm shallow - not insecure.
19. It is 16 steps from my front yard to the front door.
20. I love it when my friends pick out people for me to date because I suck at picking them out for myself.
21. I probably suck at #20 because I am shallow.
22. I think there is one plant in the middle of Iowa that makes tuna and cat food. It's just different labels on the can.
23. I love that the Rogue adopted me. They have been very good to me. (Big shout-out to the #1 "Rogue Has-bean") :)
24. I am very excited about a trip I am planning for this summer.
25. I am still writing my Rogue show. ::sigh::

My Interview!

2009-01-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

Lime graciously consented to interviewing me, and here are my responses:

1. Out of 6 interviewees there were only 2 women who volunteered, both are known Rogues. The interviewer is a Rogue wannabe. You have already penned and performed a one woman show and are working on this year's show. Pitch a show to me for next year involving you, Ms. Solitaire, and me. Umm....please see #5 below for the show.

2a. When you "go to the store" do you take a shopping list? No one appreciates an....impromptu trip to the store more than I. However, there is something to be said for....planning. I find when I write things down, or at least tell my "shopping partner" the things I really want or need, that it usually leads to....ummmm....shall we say....a more pleasant experience? Seriously, don't you just hate getting home and realizing you forgot to get the one thing you went to the store for anyway!?!?

2b. Paper or plastic? Paper!?!? Seriously, they come in paper!?!?!? Ewwww......that is just disgusting. And plastic....that is just so "ungreen." I'm thinking I'll forego paper and plastic, and stick with the real thing, thankyouverymuch.

2c. Is self checkout less of a hassle or do you feel like you should get some sort of "good customer discount" for handling things yourself?As I shared in last year's Rogue show and a previous post, there are many advantages to "self checkout." I certainly do feel that since I am doing all the....loading and arranging, not to mention pushing my own cart, I ought to get some kind of discount or upgrade. Hey! How about some kind of frequent shopper stamp or something -- you know, like after ten solo shopping trips I get a tandem one for free?

3. What do you think about when you are in free fall? Twenty+ years later, and this is still the question people want the answer to! About 30 (egads) years ago, Spider Robinson and his wife wrote a book, Stardance. The main character was a dancer - who was considered too large and heavy to be a dancer. So she started dancing in Space - freefall style. THAT'S what freefall was for me: dancing in air.

4. Give me a list of tunes we will dance to on our pole dancing/bus ride adventures?Our tunes need to cover a....variety of.....situations that may.....ahem.....arise... so I think we'll start the tour with "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake, because we are bringing it back, damnit. I think next will be "Kiss" by Prince, 'cause it's just hot. This may, of course lead to "I kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry. Not that I'm planning on kissing any girls...but if we're whirling and twirling, it just may happen....which may (or may not) lead to "London Bridge" by Fergie for a finale.

5. An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?
This is my 2010 Rogue Show, starring Apj, Lime and Solitaire. The evil Princess Solitaire has not only taken over the Rogue, but has her sights on the world as well. And if the world won't bow to her will.... But never fear! APj and Lime know of her rubber chicken and peanuts fetish (did she say "peanus"?) and are not afraid to throw peanuts her way (did she really say "peanus?")! And if all else fails, APj and Lime have the Spoon of Swoon, which always reduces the Princess to a puddle.

yes, yes, I know - I didn't use the Aquanet. Hey -- you gotta have something for the sequel, right?

Sex!?!?!?!?!? EWWWWWWW......

2009-01-17T03:53:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I met my ex-M.I.L. Voldemort was out when she stopped by, so I invited her in to wait.
"Voldemort has told me so much about you. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thanks. And you?"
"I'm so horny! I haven't had sex in a week. I swear I could have an orgas..."

::THUD:: (the sound of my jaw hitting the floor)

I don't remember most of the rest of the conversation - because all I could think was,
"Holyfrickingcow I can't believe this old woman is still even wanting to have sex! Did she just say 'oral'? Crap, I think she did. Crap; I think she expects me to say something. What should I say? All I could think was, 'Ew, lady, I would have thought your hoo-hoo would be retired by now!?!? I mean, come on, you're over 40 for cryingoutloud!!!'

Yup, at the wise age of 21, I thought someone over 40 having sex was - gross. I swear it made me throw up (a little) in my own mouth - yeah, that's gross too. But seriously, the thought of "this old woman" having oral--
::shudder::

Ahh.....the irony of it all -- to find myself "over-forty," and standing in front of an audience, and talking about: sex (or the lack of it).
kinda gross -- especially if there's 20-somethings in the crowd.
So, as to assuage the masses (okay, the small polite crowd would be a more accurate description of my Rogue audiences), I like refer to my....."encounters" using my most favorite euphemism:
GOING TO THE STORE

Some of you are familar with this expression. Heck, I think I may have at least run around the parking lot with one or two of you...and some of you I've taken to the store - even if it was just my imagination...running away with me....

::sigh::
As I've said in the past, shopping alone is not necessarily a bad thing: I don't have to hold my stomach in, or wear makeup. I don't have to shave my legs. I don't have to worry about how long we're going to be having se-- err, shopping, or how much sleep I really need. I don't have to have the "I told you the last time, don't push your...cart....down... that....lane" conversation.

Yes, yes, I know - we are not meant to...shop alone. And I do appreciate someone else being in charge of selecting the...fresh produce. And pushing the cart. But damn! There are so many things to be relearned -
-like how do you get from the parking lot to the store? I mean, do you make it look like an accident, or do you announce that you really want to go inside?
-or the art of pushing the cart. Fast? slow? Both sides of the aisle? Left to right, or right to left?
-maybe no cart at all - just a handbasket....
-not putting something heavy on top of the..."bread" - it just gets smooshed flat. Flat bread, no good.
-oh, and remembering to make sure "they" get what they wanted at the store. It is not, after all, all about my cookies. Oh, but should you crush my cookies, we.....will NOT be shopping together again.

All this store-talk has made me....hungry. I'm gonna go see what's on the....shelf.

**EDIT POST**
My ex-M.I.L. and I are no longer in contact, but she and my daughter are very close. I am happy (?) to say, she continues to talk about sex with 20-something year olds:

MIL: So, Erynn, do you have a boyfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma.
MIL: Do you have a girlfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma, I'm not a lesbian. I just don't have a boyfriend.
MIL: 'cause it would be okay if you were a lesbian. If I were 20 years younger, that Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot!
Erynn: Bye, Grandma....

DR. JONES!!!!!

2009-01-13T12:45:00.000-08:00

Back in the Middle Ages, Matchmakers were employed to find....matches. With the advent of the Internet, finding your perfect match is...guaranteed!
Eharmony asks you a hundred questions and matches you with your ideal mate, who, according to them:

lived in Alaska (3-month long night=good. 3-month long commute to work=bad)
was thin as a rail (which makes me look even fatter, thank you)

Match-dot-com promised to find my "soul mate" within 6 months. They didn't, so I got 6 months free. The results? My "soul mate"

was 28, lived at home, smoked, and worked fast food. ::sigh:: There will be a story about him - LATER. I promise......

After a few more dips into the online dating pool, I quit swimming. I ignored the flirts and such sent from the various sites. Until I received a message from....Indiana Jones.
Okay, okay, it wasn't from Harrison Ford -- but he was an archaeologist.

And there is just something about a man and his shovel....
::sigh::

yup - you betcha -- I went to the store. And after I saw his picture -- I fricking moved to the Costco parking lot!

Of course, I was sure the picture he sent was a lie - why would someone like THIS want to date me? More than likely, Dr. Jones was some lonely bald, toothless, pot-bellied mountain man from the hills of Deliverance.....

"It's not that I don't believe it's you in the pictures - it's just that I
...well, I don't believe it's you. I mean, come on! You're gorg- -huh? You're sending a video clip?"

So the video arrived -- not "that" kind of video.
darn! drat!

-No, just a video tour of the University....and his office.....culminating with a shot of him, saying his name, calling me by my name....
so that I knew it was the same "him" from the pictures, and that "he" knew that he was talking to "me"....sorta electronic proof, right?

So, I responded as quickly as my fingers could type:

"Dr. Jones. Thank you for the lovely tour of your office at the University. I now believe that it is really you that I am conversing with. However, I feel I must inform you that even though I am a single, middle-aged/overweight woman, I am neither desperate or stupid. If you're intentions involve a green card or my bank account-
-what? You're not interested in either? What? You think I'm sexy, talented, beautiful and funny? Would you mind pulling my hair while you say that?"

With English being his second language, explaining the phrase "Pulling my hair" took as much explaining as my "going to the store" analogy....but after a few....keystrokes.....he.....got the picture.
Oh....Dr. Jones! You're a bad man, Dr. Jones (but in a good way!)

Oh, I forgot that part, didn't I? I forgot to tell you where this absolutely perfect man lives, yes? In the typical APj tradition of being attracted to unavailable men, Dr. Jones is unavailable - "geographically" ....unavailable. Dr. Jones....resides in......Turkey.

Fearless #5. Or - Time wasters that keep me from writing my show

2009-01-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

Your Spiritual Number is Five

You bring adventure and change to people's lives.
Which is all fine and dandy, until they are faced with "Plan B."
You are willing to challenge your friends and push them to grow.
Growth Plan B: Shove friend out of a perfectly good airplane.

Right now, your life is about figuring out where to direct your energy.
I KNOW where my energy SHOULD be directed: I SHOULD be writing my Rogue Show, not finding out what my frickin' Spiritual Number is. I mean, what the frick is a "Spiritual Number" anyway!?!?!?
If you're not careful, you can become too unreliable or flighty.
Frick you. If you're not careful, I toss you out of the plane, SANS the parachute.
You need the perfect project.
No. I need a mannequin.
You live a free form life - which allows you to be very innovative and a great problem solver.

Rules, schedules, and structure practically destroy you. You have to do things your own way.
Like I always say: "rules-schmules."

What's Your Spiritual Number?

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it!
Well....in theory I believe this.
You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing.
Yes. But it's pretty risky taking the risk.
Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities.
Yup.
And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.
Yup. Sometimes I am brave enough.

What's Your Word?

Accidentally Dating

2009-01-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

Accidentally Dating.

I met John the Baptist at church. That’s appropriate – yes? I mean, what better place than a church to meet Mr. Right? Of course, John the Baptist didn’t ask me out then. He had other things to do. Like wander in the desert? I don’t know, all I do know is that a year later, we ran into each other, one thing led to another, and bam! A date. An 8 hour date! Hey, I’m good at the first date thing….I thought a second date was a sure thing, but John the Baptist was…..shy, I guess that’s what happens when you’ve wandered the desert wearing goat fur…..not quite sure of yourself. Over the next few months John and I would be at the same events, he would come and sit and chat, I would chat and sit, all would be nice. But there were no organized dates. They were all….accidental dates.

“Nice to see you, can I join you, APj?”

“Sure.”

“Would you like to go to dinner later?”

“Gee, John-the-Baptist, I’ve already got plans for later, but why don’t you call me and we can go out sometime?”

“Hey, APj! I didn’t know you were going to be here!”

“Well, John…..umm….it’s kinda my show?”

“oh, yeah, errmm….wanna go for a drink later?”

“Sorry, I can’t. But I’d love to go out with you again(silent scream: and you would surely get a little action – maybe I’ll let you push the cart…) SO why don’t you call me?”

My friends thought I was being hard on the Baptist – but come on: I’m sure he never accidently baptized someone.

- “Oops, so sorry, Jesus. I didn’t mean to dunk you in the river Jordan.”

So why should I let him start accidently dating me? Call me a prude (not), but I am not about to accidently date someone – even someone as well-connected as John-the-Baptist. I mean, come on you know what would happen, don’t you? Accidental dating leads to accidental making out, which leads to accidental sex, which can lead to accidental marriage.

Think I’m making this up? Hmpfh. I accidentally got married once. And not in that cool “going-to-Vegas-and-getting-falling-down-drunk-and-waking-up-next-to-a-hot-Brad-Pitt-look-alike” kind of way. Shit, like I could ever be that lucky….

2009 Rogue: A Mann-I-Quin

2008-12-30T19:10:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I have been a bad blogger. I have been awfully sidetracked this last few months.....
And now I'm just posting a quickie to say - I'll probably keep being bad, 'cause I've got to write my new show.

This is the picture for my 2009 Rogue Show. It involves a mannequin, my dating stories, some Daddy stories, props and accessories. Oh! and maybe some fresh vegetables.
Intrigued or scared?

APj Calendar Review

2008-12-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

I started 2008 with high hopes of attaining this. I mean, who wouldn't? "Did you?" you inquire with baited breath. Well......I didn't run across a stage and leap and straddle, two out of three ain't bad, right?

February found most thinking about Valentine's Day, chocolates and flowers. I, being APj did not receive chocolates OR flowers...nope -- just a card. Which prompted me to compose my favorite Top Ten list ever. Move over, David fricking-Letterman.

March had its highs and lows, but that low inspired the troubadour in April to compose this, which you can also listen to here. He can be moody as hell, but he is a great friend, and so damn talented!!!

April found me contemplating chocolate: chips, cake, ice cream. Hell, it all sounds great to me. Bring it on, babeee!!!!

May was boring, but June was both silly and scary. I'm glad the scary is gone. I hate scary.

July.....take your pick: camp or condoms.....both of which are just more examples of APj being silly.

August found me hanging ten and wrestling octopi. Okay, would you believe hanging five and wiping out? Fine.

September found me talking to fill-in-the-blank again. I think this will be some part of my upcoming Rogue Show.....

October found APj reeling from the mads and sads, but loving the support from all her bloggie lassie and lads, even though she's slowed down on blogging.

APj spent much of November contemplating and evaluating, and breathing. And discovering that feelings creep in even when you try to keep them from creeping in. Sneaky little buggers!

Which brings us to December. With the holidays upon us, I just want to wish ya'll the best. I promise to write more often, especially since I've got to write a #$K!!&* new show, and I need to try it out somewhere!!!!

Aire

2008-11-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

You are not a necessity,

not air for me.

Your absence causes only discomfort

not death.

Without you there is longing,

and a little lonliness,

but no despair.

Because you are not air

for me.

I do not need you to fill

my lungs and life

With your laughter, lies

hellos and goodbyes

tossed with such savoir faire

Because you are not air

for me.

Although your sigh

weakened my knees and wetted my eye

don’t misread me as breathless;

on the brink of despair

Because you are not air

for me.

But a confession, yes:

the scent of you still

lingers on the skin I’m in

and I inhale,

taking you deep within,

suddenly aware….

that I care…..

Even though you are not air….

A (late) Friday 55 - Goodbye, Daddy

2008-10-25T08:32:00.001-07:00

I close my eyes

They misunderstand,

Reassuring “It’s okay to cry”

But I’m just saying, “Goodbye.”

With eyes closed,

breaths deep

I can smell him next to me

Inhale – wood and grass, exhale.

Inhale – varnish and dishsoap, exhale.

Inhale – Old Spice and jetfuel, exhale.

Daddy, I love you, be at peace.

“Missy, I’m right here.”

My dad spent twenty years flying in the Air Force, and another (almost) 20 playing in a hardware store. He could make anything from wood, had the best-looking yard on the block, and thought I could do anything.

My father passed away yesterday morning, after a long, painful battle with multiple ailments. It was not a surprise, but I am still sad. My faith assures me that he is in a much better place, and I have no doubts of this. This is a photo of him and me on his birthday when I went home in August.

Baby Can I hold you

2008-10-19T15:56:00.001-07:00

"....maybe if I told you the right words...at the right time...."

::sigh:: I love this song.

Why Jayne hates dating....

2008-10-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

WARNING, WARNING,
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!
ANGRY PISSED-OFF FORTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD WOMAN ON A RAMPAGE.

Dear Blewit,

I do not think we will be going out again.....

You are more new to this "dating in our forties," so I feel perhaps you need to know:

1. If a woman breaks the "don't accept a date for the following night" rule by accepting a date, it is rude to stand her up.

2. A text message is not the same as a phone call. Especially if the text message was regarding the date referenced in #1. (Note: said text was never received, although a text two days later was).

3. A missed call(4 days after date referenced in #1) is not the same as a phone call. Without caller I.D. I wouldn't know that you called. And if you don't leave a message, how am I to know that you didn't simply mis-dial?

4. If you email/text/call our friend-in-common, and tell her that, "you think you did something wrong..." you probably did do something wrong. SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING HER!?!?!? You didn't "wrong" her.
Idiot.....

5. When we finally talk, and I explain why I was minutely angry, it is probably stupid of you to retort, "Well, you should have called me and told me what I did."
No, I shouldn't, dumbsh!$. We have been on one date, which I initiated. The date that you initiated, you stood me up, without communication. Communication that followed (3 texts, 2 emails, 2 missed calls), was lacking any personal touch (um, like your voice).

If this is your best behavior, I think I'll pass.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News...

2008-10-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

::ring, ring!::

Hello?
Hey Doc!
Yes, who's calling?
This is Airplane Jayne. I, I hope you reme-
How could I forget you, APj? (geez, it's not like I haven't tried.) here....take these quizzes, and call me in the morning.

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

See!?!?!? I AM attainable.

You know how to make your man crave more of you. But you also know when to show some interest back. You're good at keeping your man guessing. And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Okay -- this all talked about "my man." "My man" crave, "my man" interest, "my man" guess, "my man" feel......where the hell is
Mr. My? He sounds like a great catch!!!!

Do Men Find You a Challenge?

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one.
But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by.

ummm...this is part of the problem: I don't know "moves." Err, at least moves that work. I am, however, great at moves that don't work...

You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you.

crap! Now I've got to have "seductive" moves!?!? Good thing I'm taking Joy's class, eh?

That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

My mind goes elsewhere when the word "package" is used...
Are You An Easy Girl?

You Are Big Black Boots!
no, I am not. I am Marc Jacobs Boots. These are butt-ugly. This is obviously a mistake....

You can be best described as: attitude
You've got lots of it - and you love to give it

err....you say "attitude" like it's a bad thing....

A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you

no guts - just do it!
(geez, that sounds like a Nike commercial, huh?)

But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

I will so do more than warm up.
Obviously, this quiz was way off. I should be slinky heels.
Or my hot Marc Jacobs boots.

Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself. But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing.

So say some of my manfriends.....I don't see it....
You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier. A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!
Can't I just wear the boots? Won't those take care of it?

What Kind of Sexy Girl Vibe Do You Have?

APj the Wallflower

2008-09-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

So, I got a great phone message from Steve, Kajsa and Anja. Actually, I've had 3 sexually inappropriate messages, 2 down right rude ones, 1 questionable and this one. They, by the way, are happily settled in Sweden, and I miss them terribly.
Steve: Anja was just talking about you.
Kajsa: Really, she was.
Steve: Anja said, "Auntie Jayne is shy." I said, "Really?" And she said, "Yea, she is shy."

Of course, Steve and Kajsa burst out laughing.
But....it is true.

My dearest Anja,
Yes, sweetie, your Auntie Jayne is shy. Painfully shy. That you are aware of this just proves, once again, how wonderfully intelligent you are. Are you sure you aren't adopted? Your Uncle Drew and I are still not so sure....

I have developed wonderful strategies to deal with this condition. Most of the time, people are totally unaware of how shy I really am: I laugh, make jokes, act like "one of the boys," etc. Unfortunately, these strategies are usually ineffective (and sometimes dangerous) when I use them romantically.

Scenario #1: Is that a pencil, or are you just happy to see me? Sweetie? Where are you going? That was just a joke....I didn't mean....

Scenario #2: hahahahahahahahaha! Sweetie? Where are you going? I wasn't laughing at your peni...

Scenario #3: WTF!?!?!? I know I told you to just treat me like one of the boys, but if you think you're putting that ther...

So, the strategy I usually fall back on is to bolt. Run, Toto, run. Running is not a bad thing -- cardiovascular exercise is actually quite healthy. Another side-effect of this shyness is that I can clam-up instead of engage,
- trust me, conversation and sex are both difficult with your knees together
which led to the diagnosis by your daddy and mommy that I am sextarded. Don't worry, it is not (we hope), a permanent condition. The treatment for my sextardation has been gradual, but effective. As a sidenote, I think am scheduled for a treatment soon....

Hallelujah, and pass the condom.

Love,
Auntie Jayne

OK Go - Here It Goes Again Granbury High School

2008-09-25T06:11:00.001-07:00

This just frickin' rocks! If I were in high school, I think I'd have a crush on these guys.

The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me

2008-09-13T23:15:00.001-07:00

Heya, doc.

Heya, APj. How're ya' doing?

Great.

Seriously, how are you doing?

Great -- really.

Dating?

Well....sorta.

APj, there is no sorta in dating. There is dating, and there is not. there is no sorta. Just like there is no sorta pregnant. or sorta sex.

Well, Bill Clinton said that a bl

APj, do not attempt to change the subject. Answer the question: have you been dating?

Well, I went on three dates this summer, I'm still talking to that actor guy, and the hot archaeologist, Dr. Jone-

APj, the actor and the archaeologist do not count as dates. We've discussed this: if they are not physically available, it is not a date.

Doc, why not? I mean, there's conversation, there's witty repartee, there's loads of innuendos (some sexual, some not), and sincere concern. How is that not a date? I mean, seriously, the actor and the archaeologist kick ass over the three strike-out summer dates.

::sigh:: APj, file the actor and the archeologist for a

Doc, doesn't that sound like a TV show? Can't you just see it: The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me. Kinda a Sex in the City -- but with no sex.....and no city (since I live in the country)

APj - stop trying to turn this into a joke. Your dating life is not a joke

Yes it is Doc. That's why I'm here. ::rim shot:: Thank you, thank you.

APj - focus. Tell me about Date #1.

Well, Date #1 was a teacher-

-Good start

-with a hot body

Even better - as shallow as you are.

I prefer visually inclined

whatever. Proceed.

We had a great dinner. We chatted, I was charming, he told me I had beautiful eyes

-you do

Thank you. He walked me to my car, emailed the next morning that he had a great time.

-sounds good

I thought so too! I responded that I had a great time too, and would love to go out again.

And?

And nothing!

Nothing?

Well, he wrote again the following week, saying that he'd been thinking of me, blah-blah-blah. I AGAIN replied, "likewise" and AGAIN responded that I'd love to do it again.
And?

Nothing.

Well, did you call him?

Come on, Doc! I called him the first time! It was his turn -- geez, I mean, I don't want to look desperate.

No, but you do want to look available.

Fuck you

No. I'm your doctor.

Oh, does that mean you're physically unavailable?

Yes.

No wonder I think you're hot. Maybe I'll call the show, "The Actor, The Doctor, The Archaeologist and Me."

Times up, APj. Same time next week?

See ya', Dr. McSteamy.

Going to the store...

2008-09-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

Stole this from Lime.....(stealing from her is so much fun!!!)

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments, what is it?
Produce: Strawberries. No! wait! One fricking strawberry!?!?!?? Scratch that (the choice, not the berry. Cause I’m sure if I scratch it, they’re gonna make me fricking buy it) – let’s make it a peach. ‘cause at least it’s good for a few bites.

Frozen: Ben&Jerry’s Dave Matthews Ice Magic Brownies. I’m sure there are no illegal substances in this…..really….

Meat: The butcher. The hot one.

Dairy: whip cream. For the butcher

Canned goods: I don’t do canned. Ewww….

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
Who’s the “you” that’s taking me? Seriously, it makes a difference. I mean, how am I supposed to pack if I don’t know “who’s” taking me and where “you’s” taking me to? Forget it, “you” is obviously more self-centered than I am if “you” can’t tell me who “you” is, and where “we’re” going. Jerk.

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear? Please remember, I teach….
“Thank you.” Seriously, when I ask my class to be quiet, I always thank them afterwards.

“After all, it is all about me.” Yes, I know: I am probably damaging them forever. This leads me to my next phrase:

“Whatevah. Deal with it.”

“Why? Why not?”

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
The futhermucker with the Fish on his car that just fricking cut me off. ASSHOLE!!!!!

The DJ on the radio that WON’T STOP TALKING AND PLAY THE DAMN SONG!!!

On the way to work early, so I can get things done before school starts, I realize THAT IT’S A FRICKING HOLIDAY!!!

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
None-of-yer-business.

Reading a book.

Contemplating cleaning the house.

Going to a movie

Talking to a friend.

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
Lions

And Tigers

And bears.

Oh my!

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?
TV of my choice? Easy-peasy, I would choose: Brad Pitt’s TV

George Clooney’s TV

Johnny Depp’s TV

Daniel Craig’s TV

Oh….you just had bad grammar? (Mis)placing your modifiers? Hmmpf. Why am I not surprised….. You meant to say a SHOW of my choice….fine (Jerk)

Battlestar Galactica (the new series)

Robin Hood (on the BBC)
Dr. Who (currently on the BBC)

Burn Notice.

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
2 pieces of candy (probably leftover from a dinner at Livingstones during the Rogue)

Dental floss (don’t leave home without it)

Something-else-they-say-to-always-have (although it expires at the end of this year)

Burts Bees lip balm

A poem. It’s personal

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
Teacher (yup – I have my dream job)

Comedic actress (I think I’ve got the chops. Not the boobs, mind you, but the chops)

Empress of the World.

Lady Jayne, wife of George Clooney

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

Ask him out – he’ll probably say yes.

Try out for the musical, you are just as good as they are.

Don’t worry about what they think.

Wait. He’s not worth it.

September by. Earth, Wind and Fire

2008-08-27T21:20:00.001-07:00

Oh, yeah. EWF is coming to the Big Fresno Fair October 6th.
Now, the fair is always a big pull: corn dogs, cinnamon rolls and soft tacos are my faves (yes, yes, as long as they're not touching on the plate).
But EWF!?!?!? Almost impossible to not dance to, and so.....I'll be there, shaking my groove thang.
"ba-de-ya say that you remember...."

Carol Burnett Show outtakes - Tim Conway's Elephant Story

2008-08-15T18:43:00.001-07:00

I remember seeing this episode as a child -it cracked me up then....

and it still puts me on the floor today! THIS is funny....I wish we still had FUNNY on the TV!

MeMeMeMe

2008-08-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

I saw this over on Joy's and Katie's blogs, and thought it would serve as filler until I write about my Nebraska trip.... although Lime has a killer ThemThem over on her site...

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Um...a perfect fool - does that count?

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
If I ever get those abs-o-steel I will pierce my bellybutton.
::sigh::

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
yes. Oh --am I supposed to choose one? That sucks. I kinda like all three. I hate having to choose just one -- I mean, isn't that just like only eating vanilla, or only eating chocolate? And never exploring other flavors? BORRRRRinggggg!

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yup. Often followed by, "Are those real?" For the record: eyes, boobs and ass - all real.

How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries?
I especially love them when they are lowered into my mouth by some gorgeous hunk. Maybe with an accent....or maybe with piercing eyes. Oh! Wait! If I can't have bellyring, maybe I could have piercing eyes looking at me.

Are you self-conscious?
very. Often I try to mask this with self-depreciating remarks.

How do you vent anger?
I am the original "straw that breaks the camel's back." I take it, take it, take it, and then blow.
Okay -- we're talking anger, not sex.

How did your day start off?
in my own bed. Which, after a week on the beach, followed by a week in a Nebraska bed, felt wonderful. Perfect. Or almost perfect.... if there were strawberries, chocolate, piercing something-or-others...

Does anyone hate you?
Probably. whatevah. I am the Jayne -- gotta love me. Or get outta my way.

Can you handle the truth?
yes. It may make me retreat and lick my wounds, but I can handle just about anything. Err.....'cept my food touching.

Favorite fair food?
again -- just one!?!?!? WTF!?!?!? Do you KNOW what they have!?!?!?!? I don't go to the fair for the rides -- I go for the food. I start with a cinnamon roll, followed by teriyaki beef on a stick (meat on a stick. yum), corn dog (more meat on a stick), funnel cake with strawberries and whip cream- hey!! whip cream would be nice with the strawberries, chocolate and the hot dude with the piercings....

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Eventually I get around to telling them. Never is too fricking long.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Katie?
Ummmm.....I think Katie kissed me goodnight once. But it was on the top of my head -- on account of the fact that I was Drunk Jayne that night. Drunk barfing Jayne. Katie-good-friend.

What did you do Saturday?
Visiting my Dad in Nebraska. I love you Daddy.

What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
1. Look for the hidden camera.
2. Make sure Ashton Kutcher is nowhere to be found.
3. Verify that the speaker's jacket doesn't fasten in the back.
4. Drag them down the hallway. (Note to self: stock up on strawberries, chocolate, whip cream. Toss the batteries....)

Do you trust all of your friends?
Yes. Otherwise they are not my friends.

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy....this one is scary. Yes. okay - I said it. It must be so...

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes -- and most of the time I'm not informed of the reason for a very long time. Which can really piss me off, 'cause I wanna know NOW!!! And, for the record, yes, I do read the last page of the book. Again, whatevah...

Would you make a good parent?
If you had asked Erynn between the ages of 10-15, she would have said no. Now she would tell you that I was a great parent. I think I did a pretty good job -- she's fabulous.

Who do you love the most?
Umm....the guy from above who thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world and is waiting for me in some other state or country with strawberries, chocolate and whip cream.

Morning or night person?
Yes. Crap! Again, you think this is a choice!?!?!?!? I wake up happy, I go to sleep happy. Why not? After all, I've got this incredible piercing guy with strawberries....

What makes you lose your appetite?
food touching. This may be a new diet strategy for me. If it's all touching, I won't eat it!

Do you get along with guys or girls better?
Guys… I have always gotten along better with guys. Did you know that I was the manager for the wrestling team in high school? 'nuff said.

Last time you smiled?
twenty seconds ago as I visualized the piercing guy with strawberries and whip cream. ::sigh:: Oops! I did it again!

Are you taller than 5′5”?
Only in my dreams. Oh, and according to the ideal-weight charts, I should definitely be taller than 5'5"

Would you rather have love or money?
You and your fricking choices. They don't say Bonnie OR Clyde. Chicken OR Rice. Strawberries OR Chocolate. Get real, man. Love and Money - what a combo. Can I supersize it, please?

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
Well, he actually kicked me. Three times. So I hit him. Then he tried to bite me. So I told him he fought like a girl, and proceeded to kick his ass.

Have you ever dated someone for longer than a year?
Well, let's see: I was married for 18, dated for three before that. Does that count? But since that - nope. Dating sucks. Did a whole show on the matter.

Have you ever told someone you were single when you really weren’t?
Me? no. Voldemort? yes.

Last person you went to the movies with?
My mom and my niece, Madison. We went to see Wall-E. Great moviE.

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it?
Well, somethings you don't want back -- like when they say, "Can I borrow a kleenex?" I mean, seriously, keep it. I don't want it back.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?
does a cyberhug count?

If a stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
Well, they'd probably be thinking, "Wow. Lots -o- shoes." Unless, of course, it's that hot piercing guy from another country or state with the strawberries and chocolate....in which case, he ain't looking in my closet....'cause I've got him somewhere else!

Do you want to be married right now?
No. I'm not ruling it out, but probably no. I do know that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure I wanna be married. Mostly 'cause I might have to give him some of the closet space....

What’s bothering you right now?
obsessing about finding the piercing guy from another state or country...

Do people underestimate your intelligence?
Nope. I don't let them.

Do people underestimate you?
On first impression, yes. After first conversation, not very often.

Does it bother you when someone says they’ll call you and they don’t?
Duh! Don't tell me you'll call if you're not going to. And if you tell me I'm wonderful and you can't imagine waking up anywhere else, you'd better make sure you don't wake up anywhere else....

What are you doing tomorrow?
Grade writing samples. And stalking dudes from other states and countries...

Name a quote from the song you’re listening to:
"My morals got me on my knees..." Mercy, by Duffy. Mercy, mercy, me.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
There are people that are so beautiful on the outside that you just wanna hate em....and then you discover that they're just as (or more so) beautiful on the inside, and you just gotta love em.

Last time to the mall?
Mall? For what? I'm not a mall kinda gal....

Did you sing at all today?
Hel-LO!?!?!? Did you see above? Morals got me on my knees. I'm begging you for mercy. Go listen. seriously. It'll have you begging too.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. He's in another state. Or country. With strawberries.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Well, I draw the right side, but it's because I'm a lefty, and if I draw the left side, it gets smeared when I draw the right side....

Who has your heart?
Me. Because I don't want it broken again. But, before you get your panties in a twist, I'm only holding it - it ain't locked away anymore. When the right one asks for it, I'll hand it over. Hopefully, he'll remember to bring the strawberries...

How long has that person had it?
Since Christmas 2003.

Do you know how to use some words correctly?
Ummm.....I teach Middle School English. So, usually....yes. Although I have been know to screw up then/than and good/well whilst in a hurry. whatevah..... I know how to properly use "whom." Which makes me sound smart. Or pretentious. again, whatevah...

Do you like to sleep?
Yes -- although I REALLY like sleeping with a somebody other than the catbody.

Do you wear a lot of black?
Not really. Although I am fond of black undergarments....

Do you have a tan?
No. I am the original white-girl. I keep telling myself I will look fabulous at ninety...

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Yes -- I just spent a week with her, and we talk every Saturday morning...

Do you like orange juice?
I like Sunny Delight better. More flavor - less bitter.

Where do you wish you were right now?
In bed. And yes, if you've been paying attention, you'd know with whom and with what.
(Notice the use of "whom." "My, isn't she clever?" you're thinking....)

Does your temper flare a lot?
No. But when it does, back-that-thang up, and get the frick outta the way!

Do you get emotional easily?
yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. Hell, I cry at commercials!

Do you like to cuddle?
Cuddling rocks. Don't believe me? Come on over, sweetie!

Which shoe goes on first?
Duh. That is the most stupid question ever. Whichever one I pick up first. I mean seriously, you pick up the left one, and you're gonna say, "Oops. I have to put this one down, and pick up the other one, because I always put the right one on first." That's just stupid.

Name one thing you do that people always tell you about?
1. I say, "You know" way too much.
2. I have an nasty/sexy/loud/____ laugh.
3. I talk about going to the store - a lot.
4. I have a hard time only saying one thing.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
Nope. Because the bogeyman might get me.

How much money do you have on you?
None. 'cause I don't have any pockets, and it would just look silly if I licked and sticked bills and coins all over my body.
yes, I know "sticked" ain't a word, but it sounded good. again, whatevah....

Close your eyes.. what image do you see?
A strawberry. ::sigh:: I think I'm gonna be going to the store tonight...

Last piece of mail you got?
He had lovely brown hair, blue eyes, and a great set--
oh....not that kind of male.
does email count?

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
sleep is for woosies. Bring it on -- I can stay up all night. Can you?

Last trip you took to the zoo?
I don't need to go to the zoo -- my life is a zoo. Besides, I live in the country: horses, cats, snakes, frogs, eagles, hawks, owls. and it's free.

Name things you absolutely cannot stand:
Hel-LO!?!?!? Are you NOT listening!?!?!? FOOD TOUCHING!!!!! But at least I'm not one of those weirdos that eat all of one food before eating the next thing.....although, come to think of it, those weirdos might have strawberries....and chocolate.....

Did you have a nap today?
Yes. And it was wonderful.

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Yes -- although people are often uncomfortable with my answers.

When is the last time you had ice cream?
Last week during Camp Surf, at Cowabunga Ice Cream in San Diego. Chocolate chip and Rainbow Sherbet.
Ice Cream can touch a little bit.... as long as they don't, like, mix...

Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Let's go see: 1......2.......3......4.....crunch! ::sigh:: yes. And some live in other states.....and countries......with strawberries....and chocolate......and whipped piercings.....::sigh:: I am working myself up here...

Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Again with the choices!?!?!?!? Let's just go with, "yes." Please.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Mine. Sometimes I'm a rebel and sleeping on the other side. I'm such a baaadddd girl, eh?

Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
No -- Driving and puking is gross. But I've had to pull over for someone else to puke.

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
No. Not for money. Although I might be persuaded with strawberries, choc--

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Yes. Again, why settle for "Brad OR George" when you could have both-okay, maybe that analogy doesn't work so well here.

Do you love someone in your friends list?
Do I? no Could I? yes. Definitely, yes.

Do you know all the people in your friends list?
MySpace - yes. Facebook - I have physically met all but 2. Blog - well, we've all been writing together for so long, that even though I haven't physically met them, I can emphatically state that, "Yes, I KNOW them."

Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?
The "where" isn't as important as the "who" I'm going with...

Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Okay smartypants, you choose: driver seat of a Honda CR-V or a Cessna 182. Both were traveling in excess of 70 MPH.

Ever had sex in the bathroom?
yes - but not a public bathroom, 'cause that's just gross.

Have you ever had sex at work?
not since I worked at the Drop Zone packing parachutes...

Ever been caught having sex?
Who hasn't?

Does anyone have naughty pictures of YOU?
I'm not gonna say a definite yes, but I'll tell you who doesn't: Voldemort!

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope. But I know a guy who called everyone "Darling" so he didn't have just such an embarrassing moment. He never called me "Darling"......and his first wife's name was Jane.

Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Doesn't take guts.....just time....maybe Lime and Kfarmer.

A Surf Quickie

2008-08-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

::sigh::
I leave for Nebraska on Monday to see the folks, and want to get a few pics up on my surf trip.
First, I am lucky to be alive.
Seriously.
First, I got attacked by a HUGE octopus. Remember that one in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? It was THAT big -- it pulled me off my surf board and wrestled me to the bottom of the ocean. I am amazed I got away.
Don't believe me, eh? Look for yourself! Okay -- SOME people said I just got clobbered by a killer wave. But I'm sticking with my story -- it is much more exciting.

I will have to wait for pictures of me surfing and body boarding (why is it so hard for me to remember to give my camera to others?) -- but here's a few I managed to get on my camera.

Here is me with one of the teens I took down. Be afraid.....be very afraid. Actually, he's a really sweet guy....he just has really sharp and really pointy hair.

We went bay kayaking and surf kayaking. "What are the similarities and differences?" you ask. "Easy," I respond, "in both, I am the person in the back. However, in
Bay kayaking:

No Waves.

whereas whilst Surf Kayaking

BIG WAVES!

Big waves that try to kick your a$$, but don't stand a chance, because, after all, you are, AirplanefrickingJayne.

'nuff said.

Yup.....it's that time again.

2008-07-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

August, once again, finds Jayne heading southward....to
CAMP SURF!!!!! Tomorrow morning I will board a charter bus with 24 teens and 4 adults, and head to Imperial Beach, just south of San Diego.

This is one of my favorite things to do - body boarding. I think it is easier than surfing (duh), and just as much fun. Except for that time when the big wave flipped me and the tip of my board planted on the ocean floor, and I ended up with a HUGE bruise. But last year was my first time (gasp! a virgin!) at surf kayaking: catch a wave and ride it!

I keep wondering when I'll be too old for this fun shit.....all I know is that I ain't too old now...

See ya' dudes and dudettes... I'm gonna go catch some gnarly waves, get salt in my hair, and sand everywhere else.

Hot Condoms!!!!

2008-07-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

okay....I confess:
I thought it was gonna tell me what kind of condom I was.
so imagine my surprise when it came back, "hot sauce."
"Hot sauce condoms!?!?!?" I internally retorted, "that sounds downright painful!"

Then I realized it was "condiment" not "condom."

In my best Emily Litella voice, "Nevermind."

You Are Hot Sauce

You are the life of any party, because you're so good at bringing people out of their shell. I say "life of the party" you say "scene stealer." Whatevah. But seriously.....I don't hang out with snails. I don't eat them either. NO amount of hot sauce can make slimey be yummy....and talk about food touching! I mean, they kinda ooze all over and touch every--
'scuse me....I think I just made myself a little sick...

You have a knack for helping people happily embrace their true selves, as long as they're not snails....

You are ambitious, driven, and fearless. You love taking risks. Yup! I am a risk taker! As long as it doesn't involve my food touching...

Your taste in food is 100% adventurous. Correct again! Ummm....as long it's not touching each other...

You're up for sampling any exotic cuisine or someone's kitchen experiments. Correctomundo! As long as it's not touching...

You live for trying new things, and you get sick of eating the same food (even if it's very delicious), and, again, as long as it's not touching...

What Condiment Are You?

I love summer camp!

2008-07-18T17:47:00.001-07:00

It is amazing to me that even though I grew up as a military-brat-on-the-move, I am blessed that as an adult, I am able to go to the same camp that I went to as a kid. Come along, and see how I spent last weekend.

Okay -- first let me tell you: my hair is up all weekend, and I have no makeup. This is unusual for me. I don't wear alot, but I do feel nekkid without it. Let's move on, before I start noticing how dry and wrinkled I am...

Now....this concerned me immensely.... "Holy shit!" I worried, "they've moved the toilets outside?!? And there's a him and hers?" Some of you may remember that I have some serious pott y issues.......I was relieved to find that I could relieve myself inside. These were just....extras.....
One of my...."jobs" is to take the group on a hike. In years past, we've done Big Baldy, Little Baldy, Big Meadow, Tokopah Falls, North Grove Loop. This year, we decided to return to Crystal Caves. It was always a favorite of mine as a kid, and I've done it as an adult numerous times.

The cave, you perves, the cave.
To access the cave, you take a 1/2 mile trail down. Here's a couple shots along that trail. Yes....that means the hike OUT of the cave is all up hill. I hate uphill. B ut there are some lovely things to look at on the way down...and up.

Finally, you reach the mouth of the cave....and the 48degree breeze blowing out of it feels so good!

We waited about 20 minutes for our group to begin. We were told to not touch....but this sign invited us to touch. ::sigh:: talk about mixed signals. (Lawdy, lawdy, and with all my talk about caves, and ups, and downs, and mouths, etc. I so was wanting to touch something....) Mixed or not, touched or not, into the cave we went. Crystal caves was discovered in the 20's, and was the first (and only) cave in the Sequoia National Forest open to the public. For those of you who live here, and those of you who don't, I recommend this to everyone. If you want me to take you, tell me. I love this one!

There are some beautiful sites close to our camp, one being Eagle Trail. It was aptly named because it was an Eagle Scout's project. It makes a circle around camp, through meadows and big trees, and contains floral and fauna that I wish would grow in my own yard. After finishing my hike, I snapped this shot of the moonrise.

And, of course, no camp is complete without a group shot. Here you go -- both then (1975) and now (2008).

HALLELUJAH , (shrek song)

2008-07-05T23:59:00.001-07:00

The first time I heard this song, I was moved to tears. Allison Krause and k.d. lang do versions that are fantastic. But I think this has got to be my new favorite rendition. These guys are awesome.

**edit**
::sigh::
For whatever reason, YOUTUBE is being difficult....
here's a link:

Not my fault......

2008-07-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Lime.....

What the Beach Test Says About You

You tend to be a very social person. You live for your friends and family. You can get social burnout occasionally though. You aren't a total extrovert.
Yes....and when I am socially burned out and hiding, my good friend Lecram makes sure I don't hermit too long.

You have cold feet when it comes to love. You have a lot of uncertainty until you convince yourself to dive right in.
Why and how the frick does bloggy things always bring up my love life!?!?!? Hey...I have no problem with the diving thing....as long is it's out of a plane...

You are deeply passionate about several things in your life. You're not passionate about much... and the few passions you have are truly obsessions.
How can I be deeply passionate about several things and not much at the same time, PLUS have obsessions. Puhlease....next thing you'll be trying to give me a Facebook intervention.
::STAY AWAY LECRAM! IT IS NOT AN ADDICTION!!!!::
Your sense of humor is goofy and silly. You are good at making almost anyone laugh.
Duh.

The Beach Test

What Your Flip Flops Say About You

You are hopeful and romantic. You love many people and many things.

You aren't unrealistic, but you do imagine things in the most ideal way possible.

You are a dreamer. If something exists, you've probably thought about it.

You don't think about what is, you think about what could be.

Your ideal warm weather place: Fiji
Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something? I was just lounging here in my flipflops daydreaming about how wonderful my upcoming Fiji vacation with George Clooney will be.....

The Flip Flop Test

You Are a Halter Bikini

You're an athletic girl with a hot athletic bod to match.

And you've got a great tan, probably from all those beach volleyball games!
Well......bloggy things can't get everything right, eh? But seriously, I WOULD choose surfing and bodyboarding over reading a book at the beach. ..

What Kind of Bikini Are You?

You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach

You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun.

And you don't just love summer... you live for it.

So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!
Sold! I am a free spirit (or at least inexpensive). I live for the summer (as long as I've sunscreen). I am ready to blow off Responsibilities (whoever that is) if he will take me to the beach.

Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

Here I go again....

2008-07-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

...24 days to remember how this thing goes.....
::sigh::

Ray Charles - Bein' Green - CD Quality Audio

2008-06-29T21:09:00.001-07:00

Next best thing to Kermit singing it....

oops.....

2008-06-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

Okay -- so I can't believe I left out the scariest part of the visitation....

but I did...

shit.
I am usually a much better storyteller....I apologize.

Okay, so rewind to the part where

I WOKE THE FUCK UP.
(part 1 and part 2)

After laying in bed and allowing the heartrate to return to normal, I was finally able to fall asleep. Suddenly, I'm aware of a crushing weight on my back. Something is pinning me down to the bed.
I try to roll over.
I can't.

I try to speak.
I can't.

I try to sit up and scream.
I can't.

"Oh," I think, "this must be another dream! I'll just shift out of it, or wake up."
But I can't.

Because it is not a dream. I am awake, and being held down by something.

"PleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPlea," I silently pleaded.

After about 20 seconds, the weight was lifted, and I could speak. and roll over. and sit. and scream.

all of which I did as I ran out of the bedroom and to the couch.

And Now.....
(as Paul Harvey would say)

you know......the REST of the story.....

No more boogieman

2008-06-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

So, my spiritual advisor (the ordained one, not Lecram --although lecram is the one who suggested I call a priest) came out to the ranchette yesterday. We started in my room with holy oil and water. Pooh-pooh and pashaw what you will; both of us felt something there, something definitely not-ever-human, and definitely-not-nice. As we moved through the room, I felt it leave. My room is now back to being my restful sanctuary. Amen

I do not share my bed with many
-gawd, that line is so truthful, sad, and funny all at the same time

-but because of your love, thoughts, and prayers, I wanted to show you where I finally got to sleep after a week on the couch.

The Mirrored Me.....

2008-06-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Caution: You may not be able to sleep after reading this:

I remember, as a child, waking from a nightmare. I don’t remember the specific nightmare, but I sat up in bed. I started to get out of bed, to head to the safety of my parent’s bed, when I noticed there was a mist….a fog in the hallway. It was about waist high – and sort of rolling.

And I knew it was bad. I knew I couldn’t walk through it – and I knew it wanted to come in the room. My room. But it stayed in the hall. I remember almost silently calling for my Mom –and somehow she heard. I will never forget the sight of my Mom wading thru the mist to save me. I closed my eyes and hung on tight to her as she led me to the safety of my parents room.

I had lots of nightmares as a child – and they were never like anyone else’s. Most of you remember The Lady with the Flashlight Eyes – and my other nightmares were equally as scary. On some level, I knew that often, my dreams were a window to some other place. Occassionally, “that place” leaked into my real world. I remember as a teenager, remembering that as a small child, I could sometimes see creatures in the trees. I don’t remember seeing t hem now – I just remember that as a teen, I remembered that I saw them as a child.

As a child, Erynn was plagued with it too. I taught her how to “change her dreams” and that worked most of the time. One of her more vivid nightmare stands out: I heard her crying, so I went to her room. She told me that in her dream, there had been a wolf in her closet. She told it to go away, and it snarled, “What’s your name?” She wouldn’t answer, and it growled before it faded. And -- the kicker – she was sure she was awake and sitting when it asked her name.

I grabbed her and ran to the safety of my bed.

Erynn also remembers seeing what she described as shadow people. She would be reading or drawing, sometimes in the middle of the day , and something/someone would almost take shape next to her, move around, and then fade away. She says the last time it happened she was (around) 14, and something that looked big and scary was starting to take shape. She looked at it and said, “You are not allowed here. Go away.” It did, and she never saw them again.

Why this? Why now?

Because I am having another nightmare. Another serial nightmare. I’m calling it “The Mirrored Me.” And I’m hoping to bring it to an end – quickly.

The first dream – that I clearly remember – was one of those “You think you are awake but you are still sleeping” dreams. In the dream, I woke up, and had to pee. That’s not unusual. So, I go to the bathroom, turn on the light, pee, and wash my hands. Something in the mirror catches my eye, so I look up. But it’s only me. But, wait….my face looks….strange…not quite right. I lean a little closer, turning my face from side to side, trying to figure it out. But I can’t quite put my finger on it…. Puzzled, I just sorta stare……

And the Me in the mirror, grins an evil grin at me.

I woke the fuck up.

I know I’ve had a few since – but I don’t remember the details. It had been awhile… until the other night.

Again, I’m awake, and I gotta pee. I get up, go to the bathroom, turn the light on, pee, and wash my hands. I decide (why, I don’t know) to brush my teeth. While I am brushing my teeth, I get that Deja-Vu feeling, and (I don’t know why) I begin to brush faster. Faster, and faster – trying to trip “her” up – but she’s keeping up – of course! Because it is only a reflection, right? Brush, brush, faster, faster, switch hands, brus-

She didn’t switch hands. She put the fucking brush down and started reaching towards me.

I woke the fuck up.

I have been sleeping on the couch the last two nights. I’m having the priest over this weekend to bless the house.

Send all the good stuff you can my way. …

A bunch of stupid questions

2008-06-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

So, I stole this from one of my old youth-group kids. She's not old....but she's too old to be in the youth--
oh bother....
I thought it would be a fun-filler while I work on a dream-post for later in the week. (yes: tease, tease, taunt, taunt, and quick poke-to-the-ribs)

[1] What's one thing that would instantly make you dislike a person?
When people are cruel. Yes, cruel as in mean, but also cruel as in condescending. I hate people that make cruel jokes about others, or at their expense.

[2] What do you do when you need to relax?
ummm......well......I like to ......go to the store? Yup! I like to go shopping! EITHER kind of shopping, actually....

[3] Why do you think there is war in the world?
Because of man's inherent selfishness and self-centeredness. There will always be a war SOMEWHERE, because SOMEONE will think they deserve something, or that someone else wronged them.

[4] Do you think it's OK to sometimes tell lies?
Do I think it's ok? No. Lies are like that space between right and wrong: you start off in the right, and before you know it, you have slid so far into the wrong that redemption appears futile. HOWEVER, I also think that as humans, it is nigh-on impossible for us not to lie.
So.....lie sparingly and small.

[5] Do you like things in life to stay how they are or change?
Things must change. One of my favorite analogies is this: Still water grows stagnant. To remain fresh, it must move.

[6] If someone liked you, what would be the best way to let you know?
Walk up to me, grab me (gently) by the shoulders, and say, "Airplane Jayne, I like you. Alot. Would you like to fill-in-the-blank? Oh.....and make me give you an answer.

[7] What are you listening to right now?
the voices in my head. They're arguing about #6. Some think I shouldn't have said fill-in-the-blank. And Molly is threatening to knock someone out if they grab me.

[8] If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first?
a bunch of plane tickets. I am traveling!

[9] Would it change your life?
It would change my experiences, but I don't think "my life" would change.

[10] What was the last thing you purchased?
dinner with Lecram. DiCicco's lasgna and ravioli. Yum.

[11] What do you do when you're stressed out?
um.....refer to #2 above.....

[12] Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?
Without a doubt, yes.

[13] Do you believe in Aliens?
Yes. I think it's a bit ostentatious to think we are the only intelligent life "out there." Hell, sometimes I wonder if we can really be considered "intelligent."

[14] Could you forgive a boyfriend or girlfriend who physically hurt you?
No. And trust me, I hit back. Hard.

[15] What's your greatest fear in life?
I don't have any fears. I have some concerns or worries, but no fears. Fear is for wussies.

[16] Do you have a best friend?
Yes. Actually, I have 2-3 people that fit that bill.

[17] Are you afraid of death?
Nope. I already cheated it twice. However, I am one of those strange ducks that wants to know when I'm going -- I want to be able to say goodbye one last time.

[18] Do you think parents should stay together for the kids?
I wish I hadn't.

[19] Can money buy happiness?
No. And it can't buy me love either. But it can buy a hell-of-alot-of batteries.

[20] Are you looking forward to anything?
Yes. I think July will be explosive, August will be a stroll down memory lane, September will be exciting, and there's a chance that October will be explosive also!

[21] Write some lyrics from the song you're listening to?
I ain't settlin', for just gettin' by, I've had enough of so-so for the rest of my life.
(appropriate, eh?)

[22] Do you open up to people easily?
Pretty much. But I have a really high inner wall.

[23] Has anyone given you a compliment today?
Um....does the cat rubbing up against me count? How about the horses? If they don't count, then the answer is no -- BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE ELSE HERE!!! Oh! wait! Molly says I look cute today. Oh....the voices don't count either? Nevermind.

[24] What do your friends call you?
Airplane Jayne. APj. some just call me crazy.

[25] Has anyone upset you in the last week?
yes

[26] What usually causes your relationships to end?
We didn't have enough in common to begin with

[27] Are you close to your parents?
yes very close.

[28] What's the best thing about you?
If you ask for my opinion, I will be honest. Even if I know it's not what you want to hear.

[29] Do you think you would be a good parent?
yes, but I'm not interested in beginning the process again.

[30] Are you a forgiving person?
Yes....but it is not easy

[32] Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
Lecram. Over pasta. Um....the conversation was over pasta, not Lecram....

[33] Where is the last place you went out to eat?
Geez! You don't pay attention, do you? Please refer to #10

[34] Whats your favorite drink?
water

[35] Do you miss anyone?
yes. a few people. Hopefully I will see some of them before the year's end.

[36] What were you doing at 3 AM this morning?
sleeping. Thank God.

[37] Who do you hate?
Voldemort. Yup....still working on #30

[38] Is your room clean?
yes. and the bed is made too. Wanna come mess it up?

[39] What are you going to do tomorrow?
summer school.

[40] What is in store for your future?
My answer is, "yes. I plan on going to the store in the future."

[41] Do you take care of your friends while they're sick?
Not if they're sick repeatedly.

[42] When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
My new TV. Which I haven't paid for yet. So does it still count?

[43] Any piercings?
Ears.

[44] Favorite color?
purple

[45] Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
Molly. Oh, the voices in my head don't count? Shit.

[46] Who was driving the last time you were in a car?
It better have been me, 'cause Molly tends to have road-rage

[47] What kind of digital camera brand do you have?
I don't have any brands or tattoos.

[48] Does any part of your body hurt right now?
Well, I've been told I'm a pain in the ass....

[49] How many tickets do you have?
for what? the store? the show? be more specific!

[50] Do you like coffee?
yes. But I'm not supposed to drink it.

[51] Why are you doing this survey?
im bored

[52] Who was the last person that texted you?
Dr. Jones

[53] What does your twelfth message in your inbox say?
None of your business. :)

[54] What are you craving?
See #52

[55] Whats the closest red thing to you?
My cheeks. Because I'm thinking about #52 & #53

[56] What is the last pill you swallowed?
regret.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But really, the last pill I swallowed was a vitamin.

[57] How did you sleep last night?
with the lights on. Because of "The Mirrored Me." tease-tease-taunt-taunt New Nightmare story coming.

[58] What was the first thing you thought this morning?
I am not gonna look in the mirror.....

[59] What did you do last night?
Did you NOT read #58 and #59!?!?!?!?!?

[60] Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Yes. Otherwise Molly might take over.....and that could be very scary....

[61] What were you doing at 7 am?
You are getting awfully personal....

[62] Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted long?
short answer? yes.

2008-06-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

So....my Katie-did just posted this. How the hell does she have time for this!?!?!? She just got married for criminintely! She should be have all kinds of se- store outings Not doing silly little memes.... Now me? I am definitely doing less Costco trips -- so I've plenty of time for this kindacrap....

Use the 1st letter of your last name to answer each of the following... *they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS) You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl

1. What is your last name?...................Day
Very simple to spell, very simple to remember: Have a nice ___. Oh what a beautiful ___. Saturday was my favorite ____.

2. 4 letter word.................................Dame
Whenever I hear this word - I picture Lauren Bacall....Rita Hayworth....Rosalind Russell....
Dontcha just love this word? Damn! I wanna be a dame!!!!

3. Vehicle.....................................Delorean
With a name like AirplaneJayne, it just goes to follow that I'd have a car with wings.

4. City / Neighborhood ..............Deadman's Cay in the Bahamas
I know nothing about it -- but geez, it sounds very piratey - eh?

5. Boy Name .................................. Dear
But his first name would be "Jim"

6. Girl Name .................................Darling
She, of course, is married to #5
(okay, obscure to some of you, so here's a hint: Lady and the Tramp)

7. Occupation ............................. Diver
as in "sky." okay, it wasn't an occupation -- but I did get paid....

8. Something you wear:.............. Diamonds.
Even though they are not my best friends.....

9. Food .......................................... dessert
any kind. always good

10. Found in a bathroom........... Dil
Umm...I'm pleading the 5th....

11. Reason for Being Late..........Duh!
see #10

12. Something you shout........Darling!
ummm....I seem to be stuck somewhere around 10 and 11.

13. Animal........Dove
My white dove (aptly) named, "Spirit."

14. Body part.......'dacious ta-tas
so I forgot the "bo" at the beginning, BFD. Rules-schmules.....

I know, I know, I am such a dork....

2008-06-07T15:52:00.001-07:00

when Erynn was little, I used her as an excuse to go see Disney movies....

In that same vein (double-entendre intended)I am so glad I teach 7th grade-'cause I can use that as an excuse for having to have read this series.
-in less than 10 days.
::sigh::
Bite me, Edward.

That's all I can say....

Not the typical APj post....

2008-06-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

I am disgusted.
I will be taking a detour from my regularly scheduled lesson - today, this is my lesson . Today, my students will be hearing, once again, that we must be a community. And that as a community - neighborhood, city, state, nation, and world community, we are responsible for each other.

This man should not have laid alone, bleeding on the streets of Hartford while people watched from the sidewalk.

Shame, shame, shame.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose....

2008-06-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

But you can't pick your friend's nose....unless, of course, you are at the wedding of Kati e-did and Fi shstick.

Of course, some might turn their noses up at that kind of behavior. You know the kind: fancy drinks, hair and boobs for miles - and that's just Nate! We won't even mention Joy's bodacious ta-tas. Oh...I just did, huh?

Of course, whenever there's a celebrity wedding, and believe me, Fishstick thinks he's a celebrity -- the paparazzi (aka Solitaire will be all over it. Here's my proof.

She wanted to get a compromising picture of the bride and groom. She heard they were doing the nasty on the cake -- by the time she got there, this is all she found:

Oh, and can I just say that this is one of the best pics of me? Lecram, somehow you always get good shots of me. Thanks!

Superman Steve!

2008-06-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

For some of you, this was your introduction, for others it was this, but either way, by now, most of you have either met him or heard me rant about Steve.

I met Steve a million years ago, when I was still married to Voldemort. He rented an L.A. apartment a few doors down from my good friend Edwina. I remember the first time I saw him saunter past her doorway.
"Holy Cow, Edwina! Who the hell is that?"
"A.P. the J., that is Steven -- omigawd, I can't remember his last name. Begins with a "K." Charming lad, didn't even seem to mind the pink underwear."

-Let me explain: Edwina was in-between shops for her business at the time -- and so had resigned herself to dyeing using the apartment's facilities. And I guess the washer didn't get rinsed out as well as it should have been.....
But Steve didn't seem to bat an eye about the pink chonies.
Or any other malady we inflicted on him.
-He was our never-complaining straight date to big Hollywood dodahs, dancing up a storm at a moments notice (he even owned his own tux).
-He would offer (and follow through, thankyouverymuch) to come down/over and cook breakfast the morning after latenight drinkings.

and my personal favorite:
Edwina and I had been up 30+ hours, planning a high school graduation for her daughter, and a Disneyland trip for her (Edwina's) birthday. We were all having a blast at Disneyland, and Steven tried to bid us adieu, saying he was going to drop the relative(s) off at the airport and go home to bed.
"Listen, whippersnapper!" I challenged, "We're older than you. And we've been up longer! If you are any kind of man, you'll come back and find us."

Yes, yes, you are right: a challenge issued by APj is not to be taken lightly. And he didn't. Not only did he return, but he found us, and we rode Space Mountain!

ummm...that is not a euphemism of any kind. it's not like that.

Steve has kinda been my Obi-Wan, my older brother (even though he is younger). After my divorce, he and Kajsa (his more-beautiful-half) cheered me up often. He came to perform at Rogue 2005, and through him I met and became a part of the Rogue and my fellow Roguers. Along the way, he has done his best to....jumpstart......my.....dating life, by....making "introductions. Okay, yes, I say "introductions" you say, "pimping." B.F.D. Some were not so successful, others....more so.

So why this homage to Steve? No, no, don't worry, he is not dying of some horrible, fatal disease (although the thought has crossed my mind). Nope, nothing as permanent as that. But Steve, Kajsa, and their beautiful daughter, Anja are moving to Sweden. It is "going home" trip for Kajsa, and the beginning of a "new adventure" for Steven. And for me? I am so happy for them to be able to make this move, but I am going to miss them. I would feel sad......but they have promised to find me another Swedish Sailor. Perhaps this time I'll know what to do with one....

Grand Funk Railroad (Mark Farner) - Bad Time - 8/24/07

2008-05-31T12:27:00.001-07:00

Heard this early this morning, and had to come find it and post it.

Sorry -- really busy with school, family, blah-blah. I PROMISED to post SOON!!!

but for now -- dance with me!

::Let her be somebody elses queen....::

Something about Indie....

2008-05-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, APj here. Don't I make a cute M&M? This is how I see the "inner me." Okay, maybe not so green....but definitely in smokin hot red boots, smirking and offering my ice cream cone. You wanna make your own M&M? Be my guest....

And while were on the M&M kick - I swear: this was emailed to me. I DID NOT go looking for it.
Yup. Indiana Jones came lookin' fer me....

So I made an Indie M&M.

I am going to go play Temple of Doom now. See ya.

Ray Price - For the Good Times

2008-05-14T06:32:00.001-07:00

I'm having a "Daddy" moment this morning. As you know, my Dad has been battling emphysema and dementia over the last few years, and it has been hard on him, my siblings, and my mother. Ray Price was one of my Dad's favorites. I knew all the words, and it would make him smile when I sang along.
Daddy, I'm thinking about you, and I love you.
"One more time....for the good times."

Boyfriend + Girlfriend = Quiz

2008-05-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Okay - this is rather strange.....My niece sent this to me. "Haha!" I laughed, "I certainly am not going to do this...."

And then my friend Katie-Did MySpaced it.

"Hmmmm....."thought I, "maybe it's a sign...."

BE HONEST...
DON'T CHICKEN OUT,...

1) Taken or single
Single. Not that I want to be mind you, although I think my fear of being taken a)to the cleaners b)for a ride or c)for a fool contributes to my continuing singleness.

2) Do you like it?
Depends on the context. Single woman with two closets? Fantastic! Single woman waking from a scary dream? Not so fantastic

3) Would you still kiss your ex?
No. And if any of you see me kissing Voldemort, please assume that he is using dark magic and PLEASE come and rescue me!

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Where the f#x$ have you been living? My heart, although healed, is still fragile.

5) Do you believe certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
On a diet? yup! On a mate? not no way, not no how. Never.

6) Are you missing someone right now?
Yes. And that is all I'm going to say.

7) Do you Want children?
Errm....well, I have a one, and I was married to one for 20+ years. So.....no. No, I don't want anymore, thank you.

8) If yes how many?
What part of "no" did you not understand?

9) Would you consider adoption?
Do I LOOK like Angefrickinlina Jolie?!?!?!? No, No, a thousand times no...... ummmm.....unless Brad Pitt comes along with the package.

10) If someone likes you would you want them to tell you?
Gawd, yes. I am so tired of beating around bushes...strike that. I am so tired of finding out weeks/months/years/decades later that "So-and-so really liked you." Just tell me! "Hi APj! I like you!"

11) do you want someone you can't have?
I did....but I'm getting over it. Actually, I think I've gotten over it.

12) Do you believe in celebrating Anniversaries?
yes. I especially love it when someone else remembers it before I do.

13) Do you get butterflies around the one you like?
Yes. And they fly round and round in my stomach, and then exit: either up, as a burp, or down, as a....well, really, do I have to say it? :)

14) Do any of your Ex's still have feelings for you?
I don't care.

15) Have you slept at a boyfriends/girlfriends house?
Are you frickin' kidding me!?!?!? A Sleep-over? Is that an invitation? What should I wear?

I am not addicted to bloggy things...really...no...really...

2008-05-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

First off...this is not my fault. I have not done a bloggy thing in a long time
REALLY, LECRAM!! I HAVEN'T!!!!!
But I go and look at Katie-did's blog.....and....and...and....
FOUND ALL THESE FUN THINGS!!!
::MU-HAHAHAHAHAH:::

38

Yes....I am a colorful gal....
But I ain't afraid of nothin'. Not even 5-year olds. Wanna know how many I can take?
22

Ha! And I aint' afraid of no zombies neither...

73%

Oh yeah, bring it on, zombie-boy. I will eat you alive -- or I guess that's dead....Don't believe me? Take a look at this, Maggothead:

37%

ummm....I suppose this means that some of you will think twice the next time I invite you over for a barbeque....
But don't go thinking about banishing me, or sending me someplace-out-of-the-way, like the Moon....

because -

72%

....Fly me to the moon....

2008 Mission to Mexico

2008-05-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

Here's the "short" version video I made about my trip to Mexico.

Tagged by Solitaire

2008-04-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by the ever-sexy Solitaire with the number 5. Now, I have done this and other very similar things before, but did not want to let Sol down...besides....it is a new purse and all...

5 things found in your bag:
A. condom. But it’s not mine, really! Solitaire gave it to me. And it doesn’t have an expiration date on it, so it's probably not okay to use it. Not that I get much opportunity...
B. banana. Well, maybe I could practice with item A.
C. Starbucks coffee bean sampler. But I broke my grinder (don’t ask), so I guess I’ll be chewing these…
D. a new package of batteries. None-a-yer-bizness.
E. Certificate of Completion. I can’t tell you what it’s for, except that it has nothing to do with A, B, or C. Hmmm…..maybe it has something to do with D!!!!!!

5 favorite things in your room:
A. My Queen-size bed. I love my bed!!!! You wanna come check it out?
B. My window. From my bed, I can see my horses in the mornings, and the stars at night.
C. The color of my walls: a soft green. Voldemort was a white-wall kind of guy. ‘nuff said.
D. A stack of books to read
E. Ummm…..it’s one of three things in my nightstand drawer.

5 things you have always wanted to do:
A. Have someone fall in love with me at first sight.
B. Ride in the space shuttle
C. Be in Times Square on New Years Eve
D. Travel to London
E. My show (okay, yes, I know I’ve done this. But I want to do it again – and better!)

5 things you are currently into:
A. Brutal self-reflection (all will be fine in the end. this I know)
B. Cheez-it Crackers. I don’t know why, but I’ve been craving these constantly!
C. Battlestar Gallactica. No, not the 70’s version – the new one on the Sci-Fi channel. This is the final season – and it is so fraking good. I wanna be Starbuck.
D. Um…..it’s one of the three things in my nightstand drawer.
E. Procrastination. I’m planning on giving this one up. Maybe tomorrow.

5 people you’d like to tag:
A. Brad Pitt
B. George Clooney
C. Ti
Oh….not that kind of tag? ….nevermind…..

Carly Simon Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye

2008-04-27T00:20:00.001-07:00

So....Marcel had me listening to a Cole Porter compilation the other day. No, this wasn't one of the artists, but damn! This woman can sing it , eh?

Wawona Middle School 50th Anniversary

2008-04-23T21:26:00.001-07:00

I was asked to put together a video for my schools 50th anniversary. Yes, you're right, you won't know anyone but me (at 2:56, 3:08, 3:26, 3:41 and 3:49), but ain't knowing me the bomb!?!?

Deep.....dark......chocolate....

2008-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

So.....Lime blogged about chocolate....and the Zodiac.... two of my favorite things -- put together! According to Chocolate Lime, I am an M&M. Now, Molly, (otherwise known as the voice in my head) had her own opinions on the advice. I've included her ran --err opinions in blue.

M&Ms (October 31-November23) You are a party animal. You're a bit frenetic at times, and, well "frenetic" sounds so much better than spastic, eh? Everyone notices you, but in a good way - not in that "omigawd, she's naked" bad dream kind of way. You bring a smile to everyone with your antics and enliven staid situations, usually with your disaster dates or your triumphant shopping trips. You don't have a lot of patience for the dark brooding types so stay away from Truffles, or you might find yourself unable to keep from yelling at them, Poe and Plath, Poe and Plath!" You'll get along with Chips who may help calm you down when you are too over the top, but then again, what's so good about peace, love, understanding, and calm? Let's go find you a real mate. So, Jayne, what kind of chocolate do you fancy?

Jayne: Well, I've always been fond of chocolate ice crea--

Jayne, even though Chocolate Ice Cream (January 19-February 16) is refreshing to be around, they require rather specific conditions to perform well. Conditions!?!? Does that mean like everything has to be THEIR way or NO WAY!?!? Chocolate Ice Cream can alternate between being a real drip and being downright frigid if not provided the right environment but those who treat Chocolate Ice Cream right are rewarded with real pleasure. Jayne, even though you are a tasty addition to this delightful dessert, I don't see it lasting.....for God's sake, he'll be a puddle of goo at your feet....or somewhere else.... NEXT!

Well....the candy bar and the nibs look kinda boring
Yup, and the ganache is a fricking, moody snob "POE AND PLATH!"
Molly
Sorry -- hey! how about chocolate cake!
Oh! I like chocolate cake

Well Chocolate Cake (May-16-June 21), like Ice Cream is popular and folks enjoy being around him. Sweetie, that means you might have to share the spotlight with him... He's more adaptable though and can navigate great formality or basic simplicity with ease. Hmpfh! He hasn't seen you in action! Chocolate Cake is a peacemaker who can even keep Ganache and Mousse together harmoniously. What is this with all the Ganache, Truffle and Mousse talk!?!? "POE and PLATH, for cryingoutfrickingloud! Stick your head in an ov-

Molly-
Sorry --
What's next?
Well, if we skip the truffles and the mousse
Yes, please,
and forget about Hot Chocolate - Good God, can you imagine the mess?
But don't I melt in your mouth not in your hand?
Hey! There's an idea -- something similar, but different. How about chips?
Chips?

Well, even though Chocolate Chips (August 12-September 17) wishes he had the strength to stand on his own but generally need the support of others, he makes up for this slight woosiness because his presence is often what strengthens those he is with. He adds a special sweetness to every setting he is in and makes people smile even when he is melting from the heat of the situation. That sounds hot!
No it doesn't.....it sounds like a gooey mess! Worse then the ice cream!! At least gooey ice cream can be licked off - Molly?

Sorry -- I went to the store --

Maybe I should just find another bag of M&M's.....peanuts, anyone?

The New/Improved "You Wanna Date APj?" Survey

2008-04-16T12:35:00.001-07:00

::sigh::
My friends and co-workers are now sending me dating advice. Usually I ignore it....but this one was wonderful! I think I will add this to my new dating profile:

of course -- it is difficult for me to not put in my two cents -- so my bit is in purple.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
a. This means that dishes go in the dishwasher, dirty clothes go in the hamper, and the toilet seat is down.
b. I am pretty open-minded about your "Job." I know that I'm not usually attracted to the 9-5 kind of guy. But seriously? You need to do "something."

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
a. And that's "laugh" in a good way. Not in a "omigawdhereallydoesn'tthinkI'mgoingtobelievethatstory" way.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
a. You lie -- you die. Okay, maybe not in that 6-feet-under-die kind of way....but definitely it will be the death of "us."

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
a. Both love and spoil can be done on limited funds and without ever having to get dressed....

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Somebody To Love - Queen Live At The Bowl

2008-04-13T08:46:00.001-07:00

FYI: 47 year-old divorcee looking for Mr. Right does not seem to be working. Seriously, no normal/quasi-normal guy between the ages of 30-55! Please note the age range. For some reason, the under-30 and over 60 bracket often inquire...My response: "Sorry, I don't do diapers.

Hmmmmm...perhaps I should use this song as my dating profile....

My Morning

2008-04-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

I am not a morning person....but oh, how I love the mornings! If I can kick my butt outta da bed, and get moving, it really is a lovely part of the day. I went out yesterday morning and greeted the birds, and watched the sun come up.
First, I had to check on the snail trap (beer in a lid). It doesn't hurt the wildlife (as long as you don't consider drunk kitties and coyotes injured), but it looks kinda gross. "Hmm.....and people wanna eat these things?"
::sigh:: only the French could come up with that. Or Fear Factor! I wonder if they're French?
--I step up on the rock to look in the Pampas grass for snails (wow, look at the cow, I mean that calf. well-developed, eh?) No snails! I walk around the other side, and STILL NO SNAILS!!! (hmmm....but part of this bed is bare -- I need to put something there).

That, by the way, sounds like good advice: if you have a bare bed, put something there.

I continue around the yard, seeing which sprinklers need fixing, deciding the sprinklers really need to be on now (instead of off while I drag ass about fixing them) or the yard will never green up.

Wow! Can you see that? Look at the sunrise. Too far? Here......let me get closer for you....

::sigh:: I really do love the mornings.....

Person of the Week

2008-04-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sarah had this lovely idea to blog about a person who has had an impact (positive or negative) on your life. “What a lovely idea!” I thought, “I think I’ll do that.” And I promptly got busy/preoccupied/distracted.

But really…what a lovely idea. I’m thinking this could be a good exercise for me. I am going to try to do this weekly, although I don’t know if I’ll be doing it on a certain day (my whole “rules-schmules” mentality).

So without further ado….here is my first POW:

Chronologically, I haven’t known him long, but it feels like I’ve known him my whole life.
All ya’ll know me – you know how high up I’ve built the walls around me. It is safer that way – yes, yes, lonely, but safe is still good for me. I only let people in...just...so...far....

– or so I like to think. But this person is somehow able to see into my very core– and pluck pieces out. He takes my painful memories and experiences and turns them into things of beauty.

“Who, Jayne, who?” I hear you scream, “who can this be?”

Who else?

You all know how charming this badboy is – and what a talented singer/songwriter he is. I’ve shared the story of Savior of the Skies, a song written (ostensibly) about skydiving.

Howe ver, when I listen to it I find myself saying, “Wait up. Hold on, how did he know that?”

And now this one arrived in the mail last week. Kien said he was inspired by my goodbye to Rio. I have to share it with you, because it, like kien, touches to the very soul:

"The Days of Flying"

So hard to say goodbye This is the end of a million years gone by In the morning rays we spend One last time like it will never end

I don't want to let you down But you know I won't be around I give you my love I give you my love

In this field forever You I will remember Eternally Yes, I see you're crying But there were days of flying Will always be

I don't want to let you down But you know I won't be around I give you my love You have my love always

Troubadour...thanks for letting me share this song.

Coldplay - Can't Get You Out Of My Head - Glastonbury 2005

2008-03-30T12:15:00.001-07:00

I'm a bit distracted lately....

This Week's Love Horoscope

2008-03-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Dr. Horoscope? Are you there? What's the forecast for a Scorpio this week?

Well, APj, it seems that powerful feelings will produce an tense emotional atmosphere this week.

I've had enough of tense, thankyouverymuch. and emotional, for that matter. How 'bout we just give Jaynee some atmosphere this week?

Yes, yes, the urge for change excites some people but can make others feel insecure.

Okay, you lost me a bit with "urge," "change," and "excites." I kinda went-to-the-store-

Geez, I wish you'd stop interrupting. It is a very bad habit-

Sorry-

There you go again! Sometimes your behavior tends to be.....extreme. This...impulsiveness....can lead to a sudden love affair or an unexpected battle.

Wait a fricking second -- I know, I know - "I'm interrupting." But, seriously: you're giving me a choice between an affair or a battle? WTF!?!?!? I mean, how does that play out: "Hi, my name is Jayne. Take me to the store, or die."

-Jaynee, whether you're attracted to or repulsed by someone, the intensity is unlikely to last.

So whichever it is, it fizzles....that sorta sucks....

You could be in the mood to experiment later this week.

Now you're talking!

-as vivacious Venus is heating up your 5th House of Romance while Mars, your passionate ruling planet, is pushing against the Sun.

::sigh:: vivacious. heating up. passionate. pushing. Yup.....you guessed it: APj is running down the aisles of the store!

There are no halfway measures now, Scorpie. Your powerful emotions can take you to the limit and beyond.

To Infinity and Beyond!

No, wait....I think that one's taken already.

Okay all -- I'm ready. Love or Battle, bring it on.

I'm Back!

2008-03-22T04:54:00.000-07:00

Amazing....the difference between how we perceive ourselves, and how the almighty BlogQuiz sees us...

My superpower is "cuddles!?!?!?" WTF!?!?!?!?
I am so done with using my power for good.....

So Hard to Say Goodbye

2008-03-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

**Warning: Tearjerk Alert**I remember the day 18 years ago when he came to live with me: so tall, proud, and terrified. "What an oxymoron," I thought, "just like me: he only looks brave on the outside." The first time I rode him off the property he got frightened by: the mailbox, a for sale sign, a field pump, a bunny rabbit, and a shirt hanging on a clothes line. When a flock of birds flew out of a bush as we made it back to the house, he'd had enough. He stopped, looked over his shoulder at me, and begged me to carry him home.
Impossible, not only because of his weight, but his height. He was 16-3. That's 16+hands -- so tall that getting up on him was not always the easiest.
And smart: I only ever had to show him something once. He never forgot it: side pass, open the gate, back or change speed on a voice cue. Smart, but stubborn too. He refused to take a right lead - no matter how hard I tried to make him. Personally, I think he thought he was Secretariat (who also refused to take the right lead). Damn race horses!

Yes, Rio was originally a racehorse. He did well enough his first year, that he raced for another year and a half. I've shared the story of my pounding victory over Voldemort, but Rio loved to run just for the sheer pleasure of it. Many a leisurely stroll through the grapes culminated in us streaking through a just plowed field: him, reliving some past victory, and me, just trying to keep the tears from forming in my eyes as we flew across the ground.

Each year became harder and harder on my friend. I stopped riding him about three years ago -- he just was too thin, and his legs bothered him too much. But we still walked: he would follow me around the property, help me when I gardened, etc. Friends and neighbors gawked, smiled, and laughed at the sight of this tall old man following me around like a puppy. A 1200 pound puppy.

During the Rogue, Rio suffered a minor stroke. He had difficulty moving, and lost interest in eating. Daily and hourly I agonized over what I should do -- finally leaving the decision to my vet -- who has cared for Rio the entire 18 years I've had him.

Yesterday morning, Rio and I shared our last breakfast together: an apple. I sat in the field with my old friend, stroking his face, smelling his neck, and nuzzling his ears. I thanked him for his friendship, his love, and his ability to make me feel as if I were flying. And then the vet came, and I kissed him (one last time), and said goodbye.

Sorry to leave you with such a sad one - but it needed to be written. Yes, I know I did the right thing, and I know he's in a better place. But I'm still sad. Thanks lecram, kien and katie for all your love.
I leave in the morning for my annual trip to Mexico to build a house. It is good for me to get away. I promise to write something more upbeat upon my return

My ROGUISH 55!

2008-03-07T12:39:00.000-08:00

Peeking through the stage door, I’m surprised by 101 peering eyes

Waiting for me. “Whose bloody idea was this!?!?!?” I seethe. Breathing deep (and putting on my big-girl-pants) I step onstage. “Did ya’ll really come to hear me talk about sex?” I challenge, "or do ya’ simply wanna go to the store with Airplane Jayne?”

I have two words for you. And no, they aren't, "You Suck."
although I have been know--
but wait, this is not about that -- this is about my Rogue Show. My two words are, "Sold Out." And not "sold out" in that caved in to the material world way - I mean "sold out" as in "holy-shit-what-the-hell-are-all-those-people-doing-out-there" kinda way.
So my sold-out-wednesday show led to me getting this:

Holy shit...
But seriously, I am having a blast (even if I'm a wreck for twenty minutes before I go on stage). I'm getting some nice press also:

Mia Paschal (one of the most talented performers I have seen): This funny and moving work boasts subtly solid writing, and a very strong performance.

Solitaire: the connection she made with the audience during her performance allowed everyone to root for her and be on her side, and when she talks about the divorce papers my heart broke

Eric (yes, yes, it's long...but theres' some good stuff there!): you want to just hold her so the lights don’t sting her eyes, realizing that she’s priceless
-and she’s only three feet away.

Steve: Out Standing! I was amazed her first excursion into writing and solo performance. WEll written, confidently performed and wonderfully entertaining!

**Tune in here later to see what Steve wrote to Drew...You remember Drew, yes? From here.**

Dear Drew,
Well, it did go down and I mean down. I was shocked to see 20 people in the audience, then realized she took your advice and packed the house with PTS Iraq veterans......

....So it seems a group of recovering alcoholics wandered in and, hearing Jayne go on, just assumed it was an AA meeting.

...Anyway, Jayne attempted to explain it was NOT an AA meeting:

"Sir, this is not an AA meeting. And Iam not an alcoholic."
"Sure, Lady, that's what they all say. You're in denial."
"No, I'm in the Rogue."
"Call it what you want; it's still denial."
"No Sir! This is my show!"
"Yes, it is. But it's customary to let others speak at these meetings, you know."

Sarah Silverman

2008-02-27T06:35:00.001-08:00

This cracked me up!!!!!! Sorry.....I've gotta go......cause, cause, I'm f#@king Matt Damon...

Action Hero!

2008-02-25T22:36:00.000-08:00

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Maximus

After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Maximus

67%

El Zorro

67%

James Bond, Agent 007

63%

Lara Croft

58%

Captain Jack Sparrow

58%

William Wallace

54%

Indiana Jones

50%

Neo, the "One"

50%

The Amazing Spider-Man

42%

Batman, the Dark Knight

42%

The Terminator

38%

I'm going with my "rules schmules."
(f#$K you Lecram -- I'm doing it this time!)
Maximus!?!?!? I mean PUH-leees -- have you seen his shoes!?!?!? I wouldn't be caught dead in those, and we all know it.

But Zorro......I mean - he wears BOOTS! And we ALL remember my....affinity....for boots.

Friday 55 - A Cool October Night...

2008-02-22T01:41:00.000-08:00

“Are the Stars Out Tonight?”
Living in the country, I’ve grown used to looking up and seeing stars. Rarely takes my breath away…let alone make my knees buckle. Yet, there I was, anchorless, staring at their vastness, closing my eyes, I Star Danced ‘cross the sky, pausing planets, skipping stars, and riding meteors.

*If you've never read Stardance, by Spider and Jeanne Robinson, I highly suggest it.

Top Ten!

2008-02-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

So.....I received this Valentine card -
no, no, I am following the lead of my tight-lipped friends and not sharing from whom it came.
--oh, and yes, I used "tight-lipped" and "not sharing" on purpose.
Especially in respect to the subject matter....

-and of course, it got me thinking! (yes, yes, it sent me to the store also -- where I just ran around the parking lot in circles)

But exactly
HOW is a BJ like Flowers?!?!?!?

9. they come in all different sizes

8. they always bring a smile to your face.

7. because sometimes it really is about the length of the stem

6. they are never refused at the door.

5. If they don’t last long enough, you want it redelivered

4. You might say it doesn’t matter, but inside you’re jealous when others get them and you don’t

3. Although always appreciated, they are best when least expected

2. they make up for mistakes made earlier.

1. if delivered to the wrong person, it could cause problems for the relationship.

Oops....my Top 10 is only 9 deep.......can you think of one to add?

Jayne is nekkid in the parking lot of Costco....

2008-02-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

I SWEAR I did not cheat on this contest!!!
This was my Valentine's card from Erynn.....

Take the Quiz

Brad, Brad....Where are you!?!?!?!?!?

...Hey Man, there's only one thing, and one car that will do..

2008-02-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

You all seemed to enjoy my emails last week, so I'm going to share another one.
Hey, I'm busy trying to get this stupid show ready for the Rogue. "Whose idea was this?" I fume. "Oh yeah....Steve"
Steve, aka Obi-Overlord emails me daily to either threaten or coax me regarding my upcoming Rogue performance, alias "Jayne and the I.B.S. show."
--Which reminds me: do any of you know where can I get my hands on astronaut diapers?
Speaking of astronaut diapers, here's the latest reparte:

Dear APj,

Have you seen this car? Ok not this exact one but my 1994 Subaru which is charcoal Grey ( black) and was stolen from in front of my house on Friday.

Yes

Who would want that car?

Why would someone steal it?

If you can answer that question in 25 words or less you can have the car...well what is left of it if it comes back.

What might still remain?

How about

a roof rack

my earthquake gear - tent, MREs, stove, 2 rolls of quarters, a 1990 ski coat and much much more!

a Buddha statue ( lotta good that did

empty water bottles

a 1 ton car jack

a hiking stick

and of course car parts

but honestly I do hope it does not return as well........it just won't be the same. So don't pray to St. Anthony

Thanks

Steven

To which I responded:

Steven,

I don't remember the roof rack. Are you hoping that when the car returns, the cops (with the 95% recovery rate) will say, "shit! It had a roof rack, we'd better go find one."

empty water bottles. Like those are SO going to help when you're stranded, eh? I mean, the tent: great. MRE's (taste like shit, but hey shit's better than shitless): fine. But what the hell you gonna wash shit down with? Don't tell me you were planning on that whole "drinking your own urine" thing. gross.

What were the quarters for? Impersonating footage?

crap -- that's a whole lot more than 25 words.....let me try again. Give me a do-over.
-btw, I so want a do-over, or a do-again, or a do-it-baby-one-more-time (ala Britney, but not all bald and stuff).

25 word ode to Steven's Subaru:

He stole the car cause he was singing, “Pink Cadillac”

and that line about how "it’s better than a Subaru."

Is it?

Now we’ll know.

Oh, hot damn. I am good.

APj

Dear Contestants of the Subaru Contest:

Note: Good news/Bad News

The car was found, intact and in ………….Fremont, CA.

So the answer was ‘joyriding’ it seems. Which I understand because I have ridden with joy for years in that car.

However, contents of backseat were taken. Not all but you do not want what was left trust me.

Taken was my big black box of Earthquake Preparedness:

-Several bottles of Evian water ( if we have a crisis why not have the best)

-the MRE’s cira 1985 ( Bochna can you get me some more before you retire?)

- Ramon Noodles-

-my new spirit burning stove ( alcohol not other world spirits)

- Columbia ski coat circa 1994

-misc camping gear- penknife, flashlight etc

-baby and astronaut diapers

-a list of my enemies

So...we regret to inform you that prize swag is no longer available.

However as the winner you are welcome to cruise around in the Subaru anytime.

The winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Ron Darcy

Ron is a NY Firefighter, father of 2, buyer of pint rounds, a national and world champion Thumb Wrestler ( he took the gold for the US in the 94 Zurich games) and all around great guy.

yes steven.. i have your car..

i had one already and i needed this second one to match.. you see i remove the rear window, slip my feet in them, pull up the rear bumper and rollerskate around the neighborhood,

love shelly... sorry it was 37 words

Airplane Jayne came in 2^nd place. Although a good effort it was just not her best. I assume she is focused on her first one women show premiering in the Rogue Festival 2008 in Fresno. Go Jayne!

To which, of course, I replied:
Dear Obe-overlord,

Cheese and Rice.
No wonder you're a SUBSTITUTE teacher. You obviously don't understand the whole "giving instructions and expecting others to follow it." Nope. Just read what's on the paper, and whatever they turn in is fine!

WTF!?!?!?

How. PRAY TELL ME HOW does 37 words win a 25-words-or-less contest!?!?!?!?!?
I'll tell you: SEX. That's it. SEX. I don't care who Mr. Darcy f#$!ed - it wasn't me. Oh - by the way, you do remember I've a thing for firefighters.....

Whatevah.
I am working on my show, and having tons of sex.

okay, only half of that is true....

xoxo,
APj

I've Got Friends in low places....

2008-02-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been remiss in my blogging. The Rogue is quickly approaching
-what is that light at the end of the tunnel? EGADS!!!! It's the train!! Run for your lives!!! The Plow is coming! It's moving day!!! (that last is courtesy of "The Secret of NIMH")

-quickly approaching, and I'm busy. No other excuse. Just busy. Busy helping with stuff not done, busy helping with stuff to do, busy making a list of stuffees and stuffors....
::sigh::
I just love looking at the pics in the Rogue Map....

and then, of course, I've got to deal with my friends.
Friends who would prefer to yammer on behind my back, but just can't help themselves, so they THEN send copies of the DRIVEL to me.
Because they think they are so funny.
-not-
And, because we are talking ME, we all know that I share everything.
sorry, it's true: I'm a talker. Not many secrets when it comes to me....

So, here's the tripe from my friends:
Dearest Drew,

I am writing in regards to the impending APJ one-women show. To be blunt you must attend because I - not you- will hear about it forever and she'll even blog about it and then ask if I've read it. I do not read her blogs as a substitute teacher I confiscate and read aloud poorly written notes by immature girls all day. But in regards to her show, look at it this way - it one of the few times that you will know for sure that Jayne will be jabbing on for 45 minutes without anyone else getting in a word edgewise. As opposed to any other time when you fool yourself thinking 'Oh maybe she'll let me talk this time?' My point at least we know what we're getting into and we don't have to fain interest with " oh really" or " that's nice' ...speaking of what to wear I suggest kilts, official of course. So we can sit in the front row spread our legs- I will expose my shortcomings and you can expose the 8,9 and 10th wonder of the world.
Love,
Steve

Darling Steven:

What is this about a one woman show with APJ? This is the first I have heard about it....and the last I hope. It is a pity it is being held on the one night I am not available.
Let me know about the train wreck that is APJ's introduction into showbiz. Please tell me she is not doing a one woman version of the Vagina Monolgue - I only hope she gets a bikini wax - last time it looked like a bikini spider contest; I though the woman had Don King tucked into her panties. I am shocked and appalled that she has not let me know - maybe she is waiting until she gets her act down before she wants me to see it - which means I need not have to make arrangements in this lifetime....
Love,
Drew

My Darling APJ:

Word on the street - the street of broken dreams no less - is that you are planning on doing a one woman show......

No Janey - surely you remember the last time you tried this you had all that trouble keeping the ping pong balls from falling out, and when you did 'shoot' them out it was more of a dribble; and the donkey falling over and dying from exhaustion.
Anyway - you have to tell me all about this folly and hopefully you will not be doing interpretive dance or worse still, speaking through your vagina and manipulating a ventriloquist dummy's mouth. I did that show myself once and it is not as appreciated by the crowds as you might think.
Yours fondly,
Drewsy

Drew, my love,

Manwhore,oops, I mean, Man-that-I-adore,What are you doing out on the streets? Has Ryan finally come to his senses and put you out? I do hope he let the girls stay....it really wasn't there fault about the dead hamster... I do hope you finally came clean about that incident. Really, how you expected to keep that a secret: after all, you DO live in Hollywood.

I will type slowly so as not to confuse you:itwasn't pingpongballs.it was bowlingballs. Hey, they were heavier than I thought. You try holding a ball up your ass-nevermind, I know for a fact that YOU have been there...on numerous occassions!
Oh, and FYI, it wasn't a donkey -- it was a waiter HUNG like a donkey....I think his name was Martin. You remember Martin, don't you? So-totally-NOT-gay-Martin from my fab-u-lous birthday party in "The HollywoodHills?" ::sigh:: May Martin rest in peace...

alas, I will not be manipulating any dummy's mouth -- because my favorite dummy (YOU) won't leave his home to come see me shine. Yes, my sweet, I will tell you aaaaallll about it -- but I probably won't have to: CNN and MTV are planning full coverage. Watch and weep, my sweet. Watch and weep.-or-be the man whore -oops, man-I-adore,and come to Fresno for the day to see my show. I've a room the girls can wait in behind the stage. With treats. and cute boys for them to frolic or fuck. Their choice.

Love,

The ever-sexy AirplaneJayne
ps: thanks for reminding me about the wax job. Brazilian it is. I just love those boys from South America.....

Steve,

Kiss my ass, pull my hair and admit it: you don't read my blog because it's funny. And it just bugs you how funny I am.

::sigh:: the lengths -OH...the LENGTHS--I've gone to for you....the things I did -- and STILL you didn't write my show.

whatevah,

Love and kisses,

The always funnier APj
ps. I do hope my new magnifying glass is powerful enough to see and enjoy your shortcomings from the stage...

APJ'S 2008 ROGUE SHOW!!!

2008-01-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know which was worse: the divorce or the dead hamster in the fridge....but I do know that neither of them led to sex! Jayne's tales of broken bones and missing toes and no sex. A hardware store date and one interrupted by a police chopper, and still no sex!

Ashtree Studios
$3.00
5:00 PM, Friday, 2/29
2:00 PM, Saturday, 3/1
8:45 PM, Wednesday, 3/5

Okay my bloggies, it's in print, so it must be real.
::sigh::

55-Temper, temper

2008-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

Grabbing the barstool with one hand,
She launched it towards the window,
Knowing shattering glass would silence and cease his assault.
It spun.
lazysusan-like on the floor, feet away from its target.
“Did that feel good?” he sneered.
“No,” she calmly replied, “But this will.”

She picked up the second stool, and let it fly.

I have been known to have a temper, although I think I do a pretty darn good job of keeping it in check. But this was one of my more “inspired” outbursts:

Voldemort and I were having an argument. Now, being one of six children, I know how to argue: you get your turn to say whatever you want, I don’t interrupt. And then, it’s my turn. Of course, it was my turn, and he kept interrupting, shutting me down, telling me I was wrong, etc. And then he would keep going – like it was his turn. WTF!?!?!?!? Suddenly, the quiet rage descended upon me, and I could see clearly the path to take. The vision showed that if I threw the heavy iron barstool through the window, he would be so startled that he would stop yelling and it would be my turn.

Well, it really was very logical in that quiet rage moment.

B-b-b-b-back to Blogthings!!!!!

2008-01-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

What Airplane Jayne Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

Please note - It is Blogthings, not I, who insists that I am the best. I'm not disagreeing, but I'm not the one who brought it up.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

Hmmm....you know, this is the second time in the past few months that I have been called aggressive. As I said then, "You say, 'aggressive,' I say, 'persuasive."

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

All I'm asking - is for a little Respect when you get home.
Whip it to me -

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

A hundred times!?!?!?!? Geez, that's an awful lot....

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

Aye, lassie. But not so good at taking your own advice, eh?

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You say "intense" like it's a bad thing. You don't mean that, do you? WELL....DO YOU!?!?!?

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

::shiver:: sorry....I've gone to the store....back in a moment....

You are influential and persuasive.

I do prefer "persuasive" over "aggressive." Really.

You tend to have a lot of power over people.
Generally, you use your powers for good.

Bloggything is always going on and on about my powers. I have yet to see this "power" in action. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!
SEE!?!?!? Nada! Zeelch - Zero.

Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest.

oops....sorry about that "take off your clothes" thing...

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

hm? Did you say something? Sorry, Brad and I were just having s-

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy.

Hey - just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're NOT out to get you.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

But tying me up is another story...

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

Yup. Sometimes it's a BIG surprise....
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

As I've said before: I'm not "settling" this time. I will continue to enjoy life. Hopefully I will find someone who is also so-inclined.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

MY SHOW IS WRITTEN!

2008-01-12T22:22:00.001-08:00

YEA!!!! My Rogue show is written! Hacuna Matata. "It's our problem free....philosophy....."

oh shit. But now I've got to memorize it. and block it. and make it funny...

okay -- so maybe not quite so hacuna. maybe just matata....

But I'm dancing anyway...

Damien Rice at Four Seasons -The Blower's Daughter -

2008-01-08T22:21:00.001-08:00

this song makes me weep...

Ew-Ee! Ew-Ee Baby!

2008-01-02T22:19:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow, I leave for my cruise. You never know what will happen, who you'll meet, etc. But, it seems that Google knows everything.....so I decided to ask Google about my cruise.

Mr. Google, what will it be like for Jayne on a cruise?WTF!?!?!? That's not a cruise ship -- maybe it has cruise missiles, but it is DEFINITELY not a ship. Although a missile might be kinda fun.
But I digress. I will rephrase the question:
Mr. Google, it's a CarnivalCRUISE! Not Carnival in Rio, you meathead. I'm getting a little frustrated. Now. Just. Listen. It's a Carnival Cruise, got that?
On the Elation.

Yes. You are right. He looks very happy. So happy, in fact, that he may just have a woo--

But wait--you're getting me sidetracked, again! Okay....let's just forget the whole boat thing. Obviously it's not your forte.

How about this: what will Jayne do for entertainment at night?

Okay - this actually does sorta kinda resemble something that I might do. 'cept my bunny is not blue. ever.

Okay my peeps! I am off on my sea adventure. I will try to blog from the boat...

Jayne's New Year's Resolution

2007-12-31T21:42:00.001-08:00

I
Will
Have
This
Kiss

Peeling the Onion that is APj

2007-12-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

I saw this one floating around Myspace, so I thought I'd try it:
11 Layers of Me

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Airplane Jayne.
Birthday: November 5 – Guy Fawkes Day
Current Location: My rancho. And the corners of my mind
Eye Color: blue or green, depending on clothing and mood. And my best feature, I might add.
Hair Color: strawberry blonde.
Righty or Lefty: lefty.
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio, and, according to the Chinese Horoscope, a Rat. A Rat looking for a Pig.

Layer Two: Just Below the Surface
Your Weakness: smiling men, a quick wit, a nicely shaped butt
Goal: to land the man of my weakness
Your Fears: that he doesn’t exist

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: darn, it was just a dream
Your bedtime: whenevah
Your most missed memory: snuggling and laughing – at the same time.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Well, I’ll go with Pepsi, ‘cause coke is illegal…
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Happy Meal. Lunch and a toy. Life is good.
Single or Group dates: group date!?!?!? Omigawd and WTF!?!? is that just a euphemism for “orgy?” Thanks, but no thanks - I think I’m too old for that, so I’ll take the single date, Alex for $200. Because yes, my love is in Jeopardy…baby.

Adidas or Nike: whichever is on sale. But if I have one pair of Adidas, and I buy another pair, does that mean I have Adidi (pronounced a-dee-DIE)? -just wondering….
Lipton Tea or Nestea: I like Lipton. Wasn’t Peggy Lipton just super cool on the Mod Squad?

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla latte or perfume. Chocolate everything else….
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino – cause it’s all about the foam… ::shiver::

Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke: nope. Quit that nasty habit 15 years ago.
Have a crush: yup. He’s name is….oh wait, there’s also – and --. Hmmm, yup, you’re right: I’m fickle….and shallow, remember?

Think you've been in love: think? Often. Actual? Not so often.
Want to get married: toughie. I know I don’t want to be alone, but don’t know if “married” is necessary.

Believe in yourself: aw, luv, that depends on which facet of me. I am so fricking cocksure confident in matters of my art….and wimpified woosie in matters of the heart.

Think you're a health freak: well, I’m picky about food and its origins…..and I don’t like my food touching….so….I guess that makes me a bit of a freak.

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: not much since “Drunk Jayne” made her BBQ appearance in May.
Gone to the mall: yup. Although…I’d love to go to the store instead of the mall. ::shiver::
Eaten Sushi: oh….is that what we’re calling it nowadays?
Gone skating: On skates – no. On thin ice-yes.
Dyed your hair: only the hair on my head. You got a problem with that?

Layer Seven: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: APj vs. 7 buff Skydiving Ironworkers. I won. They still made me take my top off, but I won.
Gotten beaten up: nope. Again, I won.
Changed who you were to fit in: started to, but changed my mind instead.

Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age you’re hoping to be married: 1^st time I was 25.
Plastic Surgery or Wrap: Not crazy about going under a knife. So I’ll take the wrap.
Buried or Cremated: Cremated, for sure. I don’t want to be the skeleton hanging in the classroom of the future.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate

Best Eye Color: A color I can swim in. (note, two of my crushes have eyes I could swim in….)
Best Hair Color: A color I can smell (musky, like a forest floor)
Short or Long Hair: A length I can pull (just a little tug, mind you…)

Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 HOUR AGO: watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” ::sigh:: anybody wanna play Villa with me?
1 WEEK AGO: hoping for a man to come down my chimney. ::shiver::
1 MONTH AGO: Basking. Just basking. Nonofurbusiness!
1 YEAR AGO: making my Resolution List

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE: that I am a survivor.
I HATE: that my current life is not enough.
I HIDE: my fear
I MISS: his smell
I NEED: a want to be the same as a need.

Merry Christmas...or...Why I Just Love Facebook!

2007-12-27T18:29:00.000-08:00

I am thoroughly exhausted from Christmas. "What did you do?" you inquire.
What - and Who - DIDN'T I do is more like it....
Let me share my Fabulous day....

::ding dong!::
"Who could possibly be at the door?" I panicked, "it's Christmas morning, for crying out loud!"
I stumbled to the door, wearing my lovely new outfit from Joy, and these bitching boots from Nic.
"Who is it?" I ask.
"Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas."
"Ya know, the last guy who called me a ho is buried out back," I retort, "so WHO are YOU!?!?"
"Well, I'll give you a hint. You once said something about licking butter off my--"
I quickly throw the door open, and yes....this is what Solitaire sent me to start my day:
Yes....I was a ho.....two or three times.
He left in a hurry after a call from Angelina, but promised to return. Soon.
::sigh::

"This is the best Christmas ever!" I effused, "how could this day get any better?"
::ding dong::
"Hello? Is this Airplane Jayne's house?"
"Yes, who are you?"
"Well, your sister JoJo thought you might like to play pirates with-"
"Holy shit!" I screamed, racing to open the door, "Orlando Bloom!?!?!? For reals!?!?!?"
Yes, it was Legolas/Will Turner.
"I met a friend of yours while I was in England," he said, "she sent these and asked if you would please stay away from her man Dan."

"To hell with my 'over thirty' rule," I thought to myself.

"Come here, little boy," I cooed, as I dragged that child down the hall.

Four hours and trips to the store later..I was recharging my batteries so to speak, eating these, sent by Dan when-

::ding dong::
"Hello?" I called, "who is it?"
"I'm back, " purred a now-familiar voice, "with the butter."
"Holy shit!" I raced to the door, "how is this possible?"

"Well," he smiled as he eyed my current ensemble, sent by a secret admirer, "your friend Nic didn't want to send Johnny, so I've come."
"No complaints," I gushed, grabbing the stick -- uh...of butter. "No complaints at all"

::sigh::
I just love Facebook. Leave me to my addiction. I will die with a smile on my face.

Finding the "J" Spot...

2007-12-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

I’ve stolen this from my friend, Meg.

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS) You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

What is your name:
Jayne. I was named for both my mom - Janet, which means little Jane, and my dad – Jay. And yes, when I was little, they called me Jay-nee. Some still do. And some have fondly (I think) taken to doing so now.

2. 4 letter word:
jour (hey, I think that’s French for “Day” which is my last name….)

3.Vehicle:
Jeep. Which I would look so cute in – especially a fire-engine-red one.

4. A city
We could start with Janesville, Wisconsin, ‘cept they spelled it wrong, so that won’t do. We could try Juneau, Alaska, but I’m not in the mood for cold. But hey! There’s a place called “Jundah” in Australia. Crikey! I’m there!

5. Boy Name
Justin. Oh, I met one and he was hot, hot, hot. hmmm…..sorry, give me a moment, I’ve gone to the store.

6. Girl Name:
Jaelynn (I actually considered this for Erynn, but Voldemort didn’t like it)

7. Alcoholic drink:
Jack Rabbit! Oops, that’s the name of something else….Okay, how about Jello shooters? Probably not a good idea: we’ll end up with “Drunk Jayne” again…..Okay, we’ll settle for a James Fog…

8. Occupation
Jello-taster? Is that a job? Possibly a lot of licking? And slurping? Aw hell, I’ve gone to the store again.

9. Something you wear
jockstrap – oops, ‘cept I don’t wear one….okay, let's go with Jodhpurs

10. Celebrity
Jack Sparrow!
Johnny Depp!
Yup….at the store, again….

11. Food
jambalaya.

12. Something found in a bathroom
jack-- oops. Let's go with junk. just....junk....

13. Reason for Being Late
just because

14. Cartoon Character
Josey and the Pussycats! Long tails, and ears for hats.

15. Something you shout
Just wait til I catch you, fothermucker

16.Animal
jaguar.

17. Movie
Jaws. Messed me up for years.

18. Word to describe you
Juxtaposedly jaded, yet jubilant