I took this quiz at eSPIN-the-Bottle: The eSPIN Personality Test and here's what I got: Rock Star Take this quiz yourself. Yeah -- that's right. APj is a fricking RockStar. Now where are my groupies!?!?!?!

Jack Ingram Love You

Okay all....I'm not a big country music fan. BUT....songs like this are just to....ahhhhh....motherloving perfect.

And can I say -- I just wanna be the hot chick with the baseball bat and the shotgun?
Oh Yeah....

First stage kiss......

A teacher/friend of mine is currently double understudy(ing) a local musical--which got a small group of us waxing nostalgic about our different "firsts" onstage. (Dirty rogues, offstage firsts are for a different post)

My first stage kiss was my sophmore year in high school. Somehow, I beat out all the senior theatre girls for the lead in "An Inspector Calls." I was so excited! My first real play -- and I got the lead! And the male lead was kinda cute -- Paul Somethingorother. Cute, and a bit strange -- but hey! aren't all theatre folk kinda strange and roguish?

I read through the script and discover -- egads! I've got to kiss this guy.
::and Jimi echoes, " 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!" ::
guitar whines :: dar-dar-dar dar-dar-dar... ::

deep breath....count to ten. Okay. Please remember, my only real kiss to date had been with that guitar-playing rogue who had dubbed me "Little Fox." Certainly that was not the kiss expected!?!?!? I called a friend who had done some theatre in the past:

Me: Kenny! I got the lead!
Kenny: Cool
Me: I gotta kiss some guy on the stage
Kenny: Cool
Me: I don't know how to do a stage kiss
Kenny: Not cool. Need help?
Me: Yeah. Can you come over and help me?
Kenny: Cool.

okay, yeah-yeah-- THAT one I KNEW was hitting on me -- I wasn't quite so naive then.

So Kenny came over and we -- ahem -- rehearsed. alot. It took a number of tries, but he said I finally had it right. So off I went to school -- for the real rehearsal.

I'm doing my scene -- hitting my marks and lines, and just basically being fanfrickingtastic (I was much more confident then too) and "THE KISS" is coming up:
Paul has just proposed and offered me a gigantic ring. Mummy and Daddy are beaming proudly. Tears come to my eyes as I wrap my arms around Paul and move in for 'THE KISS"

--and am engulfed in the putrid smell of sauerkraut.

"Omigawd!" I frantically thought to myself, "Did I fart? Did he fart? Where is that smell com--"
"Darling," Paul says,
--and it is immediately clear that no one farted. Something or possibly someone has died in Paul's mouth.

"Sweetheart," I respond, pulling away and to the left. Reeling, I somehow find the courage and fortitude to finish the scene.

"Okay!" enthuses the director, "That was pretty good -- especially for the first run-through of that scene. Paul, you need to pull Jayne in close....blah-blah-blah, yada-yada.....

--oh and Jayne? You were a bit quick on the kiss. Try holding for 15 seconds."

I did the play. It was amazing. I was more than terrific. I held that fricking kiss with the Manwhoswalloweddeadshit for 15 seconds.

Picking on Julie (a quasi-Da Count)

when you're the oldest girl, you pick on your little sisters. When my baby sister, Julie, broke her arm while jumping from the Stereo stand to the couch --
--hey, I don't know why we thought it was so much fun -- we just did...
--we made her promise to not tell Mom that we had all been doing it. Poor thing -- there she lay --in agony-- while we made her promise to face the music alone....

And then there was the time when it was my turn to get to go shopping with Mom (hey, with six kids, an outing alone with Mom was rare), and Julie wanted to go. I said no. She said she was going. She tried to beat me to the car. I arrived at the car, dove in, and slammed the door. The door of a VW Bus. The door of a VW Bus on her hand -- or more succinctly -- two of the fingers on her left hand. Which left her with wrinkly fingernails for the rest of her life. Which, of course, she pointed out when she got married. Geez -- some people never let things go....

In most families, this ceases when you become an adult. Not so in my family. Poor Julie.......

When we were kids, sister JoJo had a 24" doll named Francesca. Francesca had beautiful brown ringlet curls, and wore a kind of Victorian Wedding(ish) gown. JoJo and I loved her. Julie thought she was evil. And would lock her in the closet every chance she had. Eventually, Francesca was relegated to the attic -- and forgotten. For many years. Decades even.

Until one year, when we all ventured home to Nebraska for a family visit. Julie's daughter, Madi, was around a year old. Julie had left JoJo and I babysitting while she and her husband went out. I don't remember who thought of it first -- I actually think we both had the thought at the same time -- and we scampered up to the attic -- screaming to Mom, "Where's Francesca!?!?!?" A few boxes later - eureka! Mission accomplished! Francesca was brought downstairs, and all was made ready for Julie's return.

JoJo and I waited, wiggly and giggly, until we heard the front door open. Julie and Marc came into the living room. Marc smiled and said, "How cute!"

Julie, silver bullets zipping from her eyes, glared and said, "Why is that evil thing reading a book to my innocent daughter?!?!?!?!"

Julie -- I love you sweetie. As horrible as I was to you (in child and adult-hood), I can't believe you got me through my divorce and took me to China! Oh, and thanks for not leaving me stranded in China.....

**FINAL NOTE Edited on 10/1/06**
::manical laugh::
Years later, Julie saw that old episode of Twilight Zone (or the other one?) with the doll that walks around the house killing the family. She said that doll and Francesca were evil sisters.....silly, silly, girl.....
Francesca always said she was an only child...

My Mom - Part Duex

--or "part doo" - as what the shit?!?!?!? If my Mom finds out that I made her sound the saint, I might be in trouble.....so I thought I'd share some of the errrrrr less stellar but still shiny memories of me mum:

1. My mom never said no. Before you get your hopes or hackles (whichever the case) - that's not to say she let us do whatever. No, she never said no. She sang it. Sang it!?!?!?
Mom: APj! Time to come inside!
Me: Mom, can I just stay outside a little longer?
Mom: No. It's too late.
Me: Aw, pleasepleaseplease can I just stay outside a little bit longer? ________(insert current bestfriend's name) 's mom always lets her--
Mom: (a sing-songy tune) "No, no, --"
Me: (running to the house, trying to stop her from finishing) Ahhhhhhhh! Mom!!!!! Stop--Mom
Mom: "-- a thousand times no. I'd rather die than say yes."
Me: Geez, thanks Mom. Now we gotta move again.

2. I was the straw that inevitably broke the camels back. Hey, with six kids, it was bound to happen, but it seemed to happen to me more often than the rest of the clan. What do I mean, "break the camel's back?"
Upon arriving home from track practice, I hurriedly sat down to eat.
Mom: What kind of milk would you like?
Me (thinking to self): Choice? That means we have chocolate milk!!!! Special Day, yeah!!!
Me(aloud): Chocolate, please.
Mom proceeds to fix me a plate of food, and brings me a glass of milk. White Milk. As in the non-chocolate variety.
Me: Hey, I asked for chocolate milk.
Everything switches to slow-mo as
a. Mom tosses the milk in my face (really) ,
b. a look of shock and tears mixes with the milk on my face.
c. a look of horror comes over my Mom's face.
d. we both burst into tears in the kitchen.

3. And, my all time favorite. Growing up, I noticed that there weren't a lot of baby pics of me. Unlike my two older brothers, my pics seemed to start around 6months to one year old. Oh sure, there's a picture of a bald baby in a crib that they SAID was me, but really......So, of course, I grew up thinking that I was adopted. Whenever I felt my mom was being unfair, (please refer to #1 and #2 above), I would scream -- err--suggest to my mother, "Why don't you just tell me the truth! You know I'm adopted."
One day, in which I was (according to my mother) being unusually hateful, as opposed to my normally hateful self (again, according to me mum), I spewed -- err--suggested the above to my mother. My Mother was (and still is) the queen of the one-line zingers. Hey, now you know where I get my wit. To which my mother responded, "What makes you think we'd pick you?"
::rimshot:: "thankyou, thankyou very much"

WH-H-H-A-A-Y-Y- TOO MUCH FUN!

So Lecram got me hooked on this image story generator.
"What are you putting in there, APj?"
"Nothing.... but I wish there was a way to save the stories--"
"There is! Just--"
And the Wizard proceeds to hook me up with a screen capture program. Which is, of course, free (which is just the way Lecram likes it -- free!!!!)

So here are some of my favorite stories (so far):























I know, I KNOW!!!! Stop now.....while you still can......

Back from the Wedding!

So -- I've just returned from Paso Robles. NO -- not my wedding --wedding of my priest's daughter. I met her (almost) 10 years ago. Her dad, the "brand new priest" called and wanted to know if I could toss his daughter from a plane. Seriously. She was turning 18 and wanted to "jump from a perfectly good airplane." I said, "Sure!" and set it in motion. Of course, on the way to the airport I thought, "WTF!?!?!? What if something bad happens!?!?!?!? I'll have to find a new church!! What are the consequences for killing priest's offspring?" Thankfully, nothing bad happened. But Em and I remained close -- even after she moved to Germany!
The wedding was a wonderful, family only event held at the Meridian Winery in Paso Robles. I was nervous on my way over -- hate weddings now that I'm the "divorced woman." You know, the one that throws the balance off at the table (whatever are we to do with the extra seat!?!?). Lecram shored me up via the phone ("Hey! You might get lucky!") No such luck -- but really, I wasn't looking.....

Got up early this morning and drove over to Morro Bay. Saw a this big rock, and walked over to it.


Yup -- big rock.






These two birds followed me most of the way over. Don't know why...

My Mom

I've shared stories about my daughter Erynn. I've regaled you with tales of my (evil) brother, Pastor Jeff, and other siblings. I've even told you of my Dad. The only one I've left out is my Mom.
No.....not because she is the least of them....but because she is the MOST. How can I begin to describe my Mom? The words escape me....yes, me -- who (seemingly) can always find something (whether appropriate or inapprop) to say.
Mom was one of the first female animal husbandry majors at the University of Nebraska. She says that part of the reason she picked that major was so she could wear pants (not a skirt), to school. She was very active in the Tack and Bridle Club (horsey stuff) --so active in fact, that at one point they wanted to elect her President. Which, of course, wasn't allowed by the by-laws (no women in office). She was an excellent swimmer. Still is to this day! She swims laps at the YWCA twice a week.
My niece Madison has had the priveledge of growing up in the same town as my Mom -- and has reaped rewards that my daughter is sometimes envious of. My mother took a "mommy and me" dancing class with Madison when Madison was 3. The image of my Mother (then in her late sixties) fairy and flower dancing brings a smile to my face. Mom would go on field trips with her daycare -- where there would soon be a dozen kids all calling her, "Grandma!" To which Madison would reply, "Not YOUR Nama, MY Nama!" My mother volunteers in Madison's school library.
Of course, Erynn and Grandma share their own bond: Erynn is in the same college sorority that my Mom was in, and proudly wears Grandma's pin -- of which her sorority sisters are envious.

Growing up, I could talk to my Mom about anything. Uh-huh...anything. I remember staying up until the wee hours of the night talking about friends, enemies, choices, faith, God. In fact, I told my Mom that I was going to have sex......a week before I HAD sex! I summoned her to my room, and calmly told her my plans. She told me she disagreed with my reasons, but that she was glad I told her. Anything! My friends all loved her -- and told me how lucky I was.

Through all my choices - bad and good -- my mother has always been in my corner. Even when she hasn't agreed with me -- she has supported me. I think I'm a pretty good mom myself, but I pale in comparison to her.

I do not think I would be where or what or who I am today if it hadn't been for my Mom.

So, once again I found myself on blogthings....taking mindless quizes.....which, perhaps aren't so mindless....
It is amazing what I learn about myself -- especially when I reflect on the answers.
--As usual -- my reflections are in red....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" It surprises many when I tell people that I'm really shy. Inside me is a scared little girl who wants nothing more than to curl up in a ball. But, thanks to my "airforce brat" upbringing, (complete with many moves) and my discovery of theater at a young(ish) age -- I found a way of dealing with it. Though I still find myself (often) wanting to just play turtle. (which, before someone snidely asks, is NOT a couples game......) Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. I never thought of myself as organized or a perfectionist -- until I got divorced! Finding the rug pulled out from beneath my feet (in more ways than one), made me realize that I'm okay with being spontaneous -- as long as I've got "spontaneous event" scheduled in.... Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Only MEDIUM agreeableness!?!?!?!? And what, pray tell, would an unhealthy dose of cynicism look like!?!?!? Play Fair? How the hell do you expect to win if you play fair. --stupid quiz.....stupid answer.... Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Err....okay, strike that tirade above....don't want to have to change to High Neuroticism....I do bounce back quick (even a bounce from an airplane) - but I fear many of you would disagree with the "mentally together" bit. Are you feeling secure? good.... Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. Smartest thing so far! Duh! Open to MOST new experiences -- although I have had some dating issues. I will try almost anything -- and think that I have tried almost everything.... and yes, I do always try to find the positive. I think too many people waste too much time on the negative crap. Like I always say, " That baggage you're carrying could sink the Titanic! throw it out of the boat!"

The Five Factor Personality Test

Thanks for letting me take this self-absorbed journey.

There Comes a Reckoning Every So Often in History.

"Where were you on this day?"
Many of my students asked me this today, and I shared the last entry with them (from my actual journal). A tiny bug of inspiration bit me, and as today passed, I realized a pattern in our country: each generation has an event that marks and defines them.

1932
Dear Diary,
It has been a hard winter, and spring is not looking any better. Ever since the stock market crashed on October 29, 1929. “Black Tuesday” they call it. Dad tried to keep the house and farm, but the weather turned against us. Now we’ve got nothing. We’ve been driving for weeks now – headed to California. There’s eight of us left. Grandpa died last night. It made me sad, but Momma said he was smiling and talking to angels. He was talking about mashed potatoes and gravy. That made me so hungry. Most towns we go through are real nice – they’ve got soup lines set up, and they don’t mind feeding us, as we’re on our way to California.

We read this headline as we went through Chicago:
CHICAGO TEACHERS FEED 11,000 HUNGRY CHILDREN


1945
Dear Diary,
I am still in shock. We all sat, glued to the radio, as President Roosevelt declared that the day would “live on in infamy.” How did this happen? Why did the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor? I still cry when I see the pictures that were in the newspaper. All those poor men that were still sleeping on the U.S.S. Arizonia…..I wonder if they woke up? I wonder if they just died in their sleep. Momma says I shouldn’t speak like that, but I can’t help it. Frankie went and signed up for the army. He said he just felt like he had to do it. Katie left yesterday for San Francisco. She’s gonna be a Rosey Riveter – she’s gonna help build battleships! Can you believe it? A girl building battleships!

1963
Dear Diary,
He was so young. We thought of him, a King (a young and handsome one), and of D.C., Camelot. Our royalty. Our future – the “New Frontier.” And now, our frontier has been striped – shot dead in Dallas. I remember seeing him and Jackie in that limo, smiling and waving…… I am so sad, it’s hard to move…..but I found comfort in Earl Warren’s eulogy:
It has been said that the only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. But surely we can learn if we have the will to do so. Surely there is a lesson to be learned from this tragic event.
If we really love this country, if we truly love justice aqd mercy, if we fervently want to make this Nation better for those who are to follow us, we can at least abjure the hatred that consumes people, the false accusations that divide us, and the bitterness that begets violence. Is it too much to hope that the martyrdom of our beloved President might even soften the hearts of those who would themselves recoil from assassination, but who do not shrink from spreading the venom which kindles thoughts of it in others?

2001
Dear Diary,
I remember being on top of the World Trade Center. Erynn and I went to New York in 1999, and one our highlights was the trip to the top. We laughed as our ears popped on the way up in the elevator. We stood on the roof – looking out at clouds and the city. The kids’ jaws dropped when the tour guide told them that a dropped penny (from that height) would put a hole a foot deep in the sidewalk. The wind sounded like jump run – calling me to leap from the edge and fly. . I remember standing near the edge, and thinking, “What a base jump this would be!” I could fly high above these clouds – like a bird….like an angel.
And a mere sixteen months later, here I am -- numb most of the day. I stared at the TV, dumbfounded as the second plane flew into the tower, thinking that it had to be an instant replay – surely it wasn’t a second plane. I watched things falling from the sky, feeling faint as I realized that they were people – unable to fly, only fall. I tried to tune it out – but the day grew bleaker with each passing minute: a crash into the Pentagon, a Philadelphia field of tragic heroes, the towering giants seemingly imploding to the ground, sending cascading, billowing caustic clouds across the city.
I close my eyes, resting for a moment – but no rest is found as I continually find myself on top of that tower, wind calling me to leap and fly, and feeling the giant rumble beneath me as he starts to collapse, jarring me awake. And now the TV is showing people. People lining up to give blood. People wanting to know where to send donations. People wanting to help.

History teaches us nothing, except maybe that we often learn the same lesson over and over and over again. As I look at these events – these generational mile-markers, I’m touched by the devastating effect each had on their generation – and yet in hindsight, we, as a nation, we’re made stronger, wiser, by it.
--Yes, yes, mistakes were made by many during all these times – but that is not my focus, or my intent –

I just found it interesting…..and wanted to share it with you.

Okay -- put your hankies away. Sorry I got all ya'll all misty-eyed about my Dad. Hmmmm....if that got ya', wait til I tell you about my MUM!!!!!!!!

And now.....for something completely different....and yet, totally predictable coming from APj....

I-T-S Q-U-I-Z T-I-M-E !!!!!

Once again....with my commentaries in red......

You Don't Need a Man, but You Want One!

You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single. I would like, no strike that, I would LOVE to have a guy in my life...overall, underall, besideall -- position is not all that critical. You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. Yes, I do have my rules. And don't you dare throw rules-schmules at me! Desperation is for housewives, and let us remember: I AM no wife... you rather be alone. Remember all ya'll, I've got three things in my drawer......so I'm not really TECHNICALLY alone.... However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating. ME!?!?!?!? Obsess!?!?!?!?!? Never........And just WTF is Overdating? I mean, hel-LO!!!! I'm SO-O-O-O-O UNDERdating. Oh....Lecram....is it time for Sanka again? Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around. -or under, or over, or next to, or in front of.....

Do You Need a Man?

Daddy's Girl

Sorry to all who’ve missed me – life’s a bit nuts right now: I was given one class of 6th graders this week – please note, I usually teach 7th grade, so now I’m…err…..inventing a curriculum to use with my 6th graders that is “not-too-different-from-what-the-7th-graders-are-doing-so-that-I-don’t-go-crazy-making-lesson-plans.” Sigh.

My dad is back in the hospital – which also adds to my frenzy. His emphysema is not much worse, but his brain is a bit fuzzed. He’s often confused, and doesn’t remember if he took pills, needs to take them, etc – even though my Mom has them all organized on a schedule and has a great system. So, he’s back in the hospital – primarily to take him off all his meds, and try to get a handle on that.

So – that got me thinking about my Dad. I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite Dad stories……

1973 – 12 years old, Merced, California.
Who would’ve have thought that blowing your nose was dangerous? Got Boogers? Blow!!!! And yet, there I was, thirty minutes later, still trying to get my nose to stop bleeding. After another thirty minutes dragged by, my Mom and Dad decided that it was time to go to the hospital. I made it to the car – but felt very woozy, and the wooziness grew during the twenty minute drive to Castle AFB. I tried to get out of the car, but my legs collapsed from underneath me. My father scooped me up and carried me into the hospital. “Hold on, Missy,” he whispered, “I’ve got you.” I knew I would be fine – ‘cause my Daddy had me.

(postscript for those of ya’ who gotta know: I’d blown a hole in the artery in my nose –and lost over 2 pints of blood. Artery was cauterized (big ouch), and nose was packed with 3,000 miles (slight exxageration) of yellow stinky (no exxageration) gauze.


1979 – Lincoln, Nebraska

If you think being “stuck in Lodi, again” is bad, try Kearney, Nebraska. Sure, fun place to party (for Nebraska), but definitely not a place to stay. But there I was, on a Sunday afternoon with a broken car. And, of course, this was way before the invention of credit cards…..at least in my families existence!
“Missy, what is the car doing?”
“Daddy! That pipe thing in front of the muffler is broken. I took it to a gas station – but they said they can’t do anything until tomorrow! And they said it will cost a couple hundred dollars!!!! Daddy!!! What should I do?”
“Missy, I’m not there. What kind of sound is the car making?”
“Well, it just sounds really loud. Kinda like a muscle car – is it okay to drive? Can I fix it with something? Should I wait ‘til tomorrow?”
“Missy, I’m not there, so I can’t tell you what to do…but take a look at it and see what you think.”
So – under the car I went to take a look. And then I got all MacGyver on it. Uh-huh—that’s Missy MacGyver to you. I pushed that broken pipe as close to the muffler as I could, and took a wire hanger and made a big U-shaped support underneath it. Then I wrapped the whole think in duct tape….just in case. And then….I drove home…..130 miles…….2 hours…….across Nebraska……..and, just to remind you – IN THE DAYS BEFORE CELL PHONES!!!!
I pulled into the driveway – and there was my dad. Waiting. As I got out of the car, he didn’t say a word – he just crawled under the car – and then crawled back out.
“Is that okay, Daddy?”
But he didn’t answer – he just went inside. “Shit!” I thought to myself, “I screwed it up! I knew I shou—“
He was back again, crawling under the car. And crawled back out – with a polaroid of my repair, and a big grin!
“Wait ‘til Darrel (the mechanic) sees this!””Is it okay, Daddy? I didn’t mess it up too bad, did I?”
“Missy, you did good.”

2002 - Fresno, California
“Missy, I’m worried about you.”
“Daddy, I’m okay. A little shocked, but okay.”
“Missy, I can’t believe he left you.”
“Me either, Daddy. Me either.”
“I’ve got you Missy, you’ll be okay.”
“I know, Daddy. I’m just scared. What did I do wrong?”
“Missy, you did good. This is his problem, not yours.”
“Thanks Daddy….”

Thanks Daddy. Thanks for always thinking that I could do anything. Thanks for believing in me, and helping me believe in myself.

The Naked Date

Geez, what a nightmare!!! No, no, it wasn't the return of the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes, although that would have been easier. Hey! I know how to deal with her--
No, this was an all new nightmare. Kinda reminded me of those dreams I used to have in high school.....you know -- where you went to school naked.....and spent the whole dream trying to get to your locker.....or home.....'cause you're naked.......and no one seems to notice........that you're naked......and walking around school.....naked...

"I'm pretty sure that Guy will be at the coffee shop," Star reassures, "We'll just drive over there! Sorry that you've got to sit in the back seat -- but the front seat is still broken. Is your seat belt buckled?"
As I look down to check, I realize that I've got no clothes on.
"Shit!"
"What, APj?"
"We've got to go to my house--"
"You're kidding, right? You know how long it'd take--"
"-Star! I've got to put some clothes on! I'm nak--"
"Don't be silly, APj -- what you've got on is fine!"
"She doesn't realize I'm naked!" I think to myself. "Holy crap! What am I gonna do!?!?!? What can I cover my bodaci--"
"Come on, APj!" Star calls over her shoulder from the door of the coffee shop. "Quit dawdling!"
"Shit! We certainly got here fast!" I scan the sidewalk, and relief floods through my veins as I confirm that there are no bodies present on the sidewalk. "What's that?"I silently exclaim,"Is that a bandana?" Making a mad dash towards the fluttering pink square, I grab it as Star comes rushing out of the coffee shop.

"Hurry APj!"
Frantically trying to decide the best placement for the bandana
-- bodacious ta-tas covered?
-- cookie covered?
"Which one? Which one? cookie or ta-ta, cookie or ta-ta" I ask myself, as I madly sprint after Star towards her car.

"What's the rush, Star?"
"BoDiddily said that Guy went to the mall. Something about getting a new instrument -- not that there's anything wrong with his instrument -- wait till you see it! He's got the prettiest p--"
"Star, don't start on that again, " I interrupt as I climb back in the backseat, "I'll end up at the store, again! But seriously, do you think we could go by my house? I'd really like to put some pants--"
"APj! Do you wanna do Guy or not!?!?!? We gotta hurry! Besides, you look fine! I love that pink top you've got on."
"It's not a top, Star! It's a bandan--"
"Shit! I almost hit that car! Oops! We're here!"
Star bounds out of the car, loping towards the music store entrance. "I'll run ahead and see if he's here. Hurry up!"

Grateful for the tinted windows of Star's car, I watch and wait for the perfect time to make a mad dash for the mall entrance.
"What the heck are you doing?" I ask myself, hand on the car door handle.
"Trying to get a date!" I retort, turning said handle and sprinting (one hand covering my cookie) towards the mall.
"Stop!!!" Me yells.
"Why?"I begin to inquire -- but suddenly see Star and Guy's bosom buddy, Doll coming out of the mall. I manage to make it to a tall garbage can, which I quickly pose behind.

"APj!" greets Doll, "How are you?"
"Feeling a bit naked--"
"Don't be a silly goose!" Doll scolds. "That pink top looks great with your skintones--"
"Yada-yada, skintones," injects Star. "Doll! Tell her about Guy!"
"Oh yeah! Guy," answers Doll. "Guy is waiting for us at the pool. He's made Mojitos. or Margaritas. Shit, I can't remember! One of those "M" drinks...."

As Doll and Star head for the car, I spot a pair of aqua stilletos next to my garbage can. I scoop them up, scan the sidewalk, and fly to the car (bandana held over bodacious ta-tas with chin, check. right hand covering cookie, check. left hand hanging onto awesome aqua stilletos, check.), diving almost headfirst into the backseat.

Resting my foot on the divider between the front seats (fixed now!?!?!?), I buckle the ankle strap on the shoes. "Seriously," I start, "Do you think we could just stop and get me something to wear--"
"Awesome shoes!" gushes Doll.
"Yeah," Star chimes in, "You know she's got that shoe thing-"
"APj," cuts in Doll, "you look fine! With that pink top and those shoes, Guy doesn't stand--"
"But it's not a top! It's a bandan-"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

"Shit!" I think to myself, "It must be the cops -- they must have seen me take the shoes. or running nake--"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

I sit up, wide awake in my bed.

"Shit! Wait 'til Star hears this one!!!"

Erynn's 21st!

As most of you know, Erynn turned 21 (egads!) a few weeks ago. I shared this story with Lecram, and he said, "APj, you should have blogged about that!"
As usual, he's right (I sure get tired of admitting that)...although I'm not quite so ready to take his dating advice (yes, yes, we'll deal with that in another blog)....

Erynn was driving me nuts the week (or so) before her birthday! She would call at all hours of the day and ask, "Guess what happens in 5 (or 4 or 3, depending on the day) days?" To which I was to respond, "What?" and she would answer, "I turn 21!"

This got especially old around 3:00AM....

But I am a Mum that believes in payback......so I called her on her birthday......a couple of times!

7/29/85 -- APj's Phone log:

6:30 AM
"Good Morning Sweetie!"
"Mom?"
"21 years ago, I woke up to get ready to go to work. I wasn't feeling all that good, but decided to go to work. Such dedication!"

7:30 AM
"Hello Saffie!"
"Mom....why are you calling so early?"
"Saffie! 21 years ago, I decided I wasn't feeling so good. So I called in sick to work!! After all, I was 8 months pregnant--"
"Mom - it's 7:30, and I'm hung --"
"Saffie! A hangover is NOTHING compared to going into Labor!!!!!"

9:30 AM
"Saffie!"
"Mom -- you are so ev--"
"Saffie! 21 years ago - my water burst! In the OB/GYN's newly decorated exam room!"
"Mom -- that's just gros--really?"
"Uh-huh! She said it was fine (but I think she wasn't happy), and sent us on to the hospital. She said I should be done by early afternoon"

11:46 AM
"Saf--"
"Mom - you are so warped! What happened 21 years--"
"Sweetie - you were born exactly 21 years ago -- right now!! Good bye!"

12:30 PM
(getting her voice mail)
"Erynn -- 21 years ago, I had the first Pepsi I'd had in eight months!!! Big Gulp --Big Good!!!"

2:30 PM
(Erynn returning voice mail)
"Mom? why'd you give up Pepsi?"
"Sweetie, the doctor's said it could cause deformities......and still you have that funny bone on your heel--"
"Mom! You're so weird!!!!"

6:30 PM
"Hey Sweetie!"
"Mom -- just a minute -- I'm gonna put you on speaker!"
"21 years ago - your dad and I were having a steak dinner at the hospital--"
"Why a steak dinner?"
"Because it was free!"

7/30/06
9:00 AM
"Saffie!"
"Mom -- I'm so-o-o-o tired! My birthday is over! Why are you cal--"
"Saffie -- 21 years ago we were getting ready to leave the hospital. Now, as you know, you came a month early --so....well....so, we didn't really have that "bag" fully packed. That "bag that contains all the important things -- like a toothbrush, hairbrush, change of clothes, etc. So....21 years ago today.....we discovered what I was missing from the "bag." 21 years ago today.....your mom came home from the hospital........COMMANDO!!!!

(for those not familiar with the term -- it means I had no underwear on......)

Your Aura is Purple

....and purple is my favorite color!!!! when I was a teen I had a purple desk and two purple walls in my room (compromise with Mum -- I wanted four purple walls). I had an awesome pair of purple tennis shoes......but I digress. "What does it mean to have a purple aura?" you ask. Well, according to this site, here's what it means (see my comments in red). 1. Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. Yes, I would have to agree with this assessment. I have always been a dreamer -- and a dreamer with a vision. I could always "see" HOW something could/should/would be. And yes, I do think I was put on this earth to do something really great (although, unlike Lecram, I've never wanted to be the Pope!) 2. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. I think I'm a very passionate person, and yes, I am awfully busy..... But goodgoodawlmighty! I don't think I'm ever gonna find a man who sees like I see! ...at least not on this side of the funnyfarm fence.... Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician. Kinda funny - I'm a teacher, who hangs with a ROGUISH bunch that includes a (self-named) Rasputinish guru, a squirrelly politician, and baritone warbler......

What Color Is Your Aura?

For Corrine

Let me share a journey with you. A wonderful journey that I’ve been blessed to be privy to: the Sojourn of a new Tsou, the Crossing of Corrine.




For many years, my sister talked of adopting a baby from China. She felt that this was something she needed to do. After eighteen months of seemingly endless paperwork, a photo arrived of our angel.

How tiny and thin she was. How could this wee whisp be a year old? But already, she was pulling at my heart. Julie and Marc made plans to take their two children to China with them to bring Corrine home sometime in January 2005.

Marc’s parents were planning on going to help with the children. But because of an unfortunate twist (father injured his knee), I was invited to come along on the trip to China – at no cost to myself. How could I possibly say no to such a gift? So, on Martin Luther King Day 2005, I flew halfway around the world to find a slice of sunshine.

What a day that was! A room filled with 17 families, 17 nannies from the orphanage, and 17 babies who had never seen a white person before. Boy! Did they scream! I cried too – because I felt like I was the only one who realized how terrified these babies were. All the babies. Except for our Corrine.

No tears did she shed. Julie and I wanted to believe this was because we were Uber-mommies. I’m sure part of that is true. But it is also true that Corrine was extremely malnourished. The first few days she had trouble drinking from a bottle. She developed a fever on the second day that Dr. Julie (who gets higher medical billing then her husband, who really IS a doctor) instructed me to give her Tylenol. Corrine eagerly drank the medicine from the eyedropper; which led me to the discovery of feeding her formula from an eyedropper.

She wanted her Mommy or her Auntie all the time. She tolerated Daddy, sister, and brother. I had the extreme privilege of putting her to sleep each night – singing Moonshadow, Fiji Rose (fraternity pin song), and I’m Bringing Home a Baby Bumble Bee.

She came home to America and blossomed. Picking strawberries, going to pre-preschool, playing with her Mommy and Daddy, her brother and sister. I eagerly awaited the pictures, and longed for the day I could go visit them in Virginia.

That day finally arrived last week. I was so excited and nervous to see her. My sister Julie is really the Uber-Mommy. Her children (when very young) do not like to be away from her. So how would Corrine react to me? Would there still be some bond? I hoped and prayed that this would be.

I’m happy to say that the bond was still there. I truly believe that she “knew” me deep down – I got giggles, smiles, and games from her everyday. And she is so smart! I taught her how to play GoFish and Old Maid. – and yes, she doesn’t even turn three until November.

I love all my nieces and nephews – none more or less then the others. But I feel an incredible bond with Corrine – mostly due to the fact that I was blessed to be there on the day she was “born” into our family.

I love you, my little punkin pie. I love you so very much.

Auntie Jayne

MATH MANIPULATIVES

Where has the summer gone!?!?!?!?

It seems like just yesterday that school was over, and I was looking forward to a long lazy summer, an opportunity to do some incredible yard work, the chance to get some projects done around the house – and BOOM!!!
All of the sudden it’s “Back to School” time…

Yup – I’ve got Inservice days on Monday-Wednesday, and Institute day on Thursday, and then the brrraa—err – students are back on Friday.

But seriously, I do love my job. My mother says I love teaching because it gives me a captive audience. Uhhhh, that’s true – but not all of it. Teaching also gives me some great material -- make that seriously great – material for stories.
Like this one:

Erlon could feel the sweat forming into beads on his brow. “Aw shit! Momma’s gonna kill me when I get home!” He thought frantically to himself, “I wonder if I should—“
“Erlon!” encouraged Officer Harris, “Just tell the truth. Do you have something in your backpack that you shouldn’t?”
“Hell no! Whys youse always pickin-“
“Erlon,” interrupted Mrs. Ratched, “We know you’ve got it. It’ll go better for you if you just admit it.”
Erlon shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wiped his brow and answered, somewhat defensively, “Yeah, okay – I do have it. But-but-but, I don’t know how it got there. It’s not mine.” Reluctantly he handed his backpack to Officer Harris.
“Let’s go, Erlon,” Officer Harris said as he helped Erlon to his feet. He gingerly held the backpack with his left hand, keeping Erlon to his right, between himself and Mrs. Ratched. “We need to see Principal Bueller.”
“Aw man! Do we gotta tell him!?!?!? Can’t we just forget—“
“Erlon!” Mrs Ratched scolded, “You know the rules! This falls under the Zero Tolerance Policy! We have to take you to see Principal Bueller. We have no choice. You should have thought of that before you brought a—“
“Shhhhh!!” interjected Officer Harris, “Do you want to start a stampede?”
“Sorry,” mumbled Mrs. Ratched.
News had traveled fast that morning, and by the time the three reached the office, the entire office staff had made their way close to the Prinicipal’s office.
“Mr. Bueller—“
“Yes, Mrs. Ratchet!”
“Mr. Bueller” began Mrs. Ratchet, “Mr. Erlon has seen fit to bring an item to school that should not be allowed.”
“What is it, Mrs. Ratchet!” asked Mr. Bueller.
“Well, I don’t think I should be pulling it out right here in the office,” apologized Mrs. Ratchet. “Perhaps we should go all the way in your office.”
“Of course, Mrs. Ratchet,” replied Mr. Bueller. He led them into his office, and closed the door. “Erlon?”
“Mr. Bueller! I swear! I don’t know how it got into my backpack – I don’t –“
“Mr. Bueller,” interrupted Officer Harris, “Mr. Erlon was brandishing this thing about, scaring many of his classmates.”
“Is that true, Erlon” asked Mr. Bueller.
“Well, ahhh, yeah, but—“
“Well, Mr. Erlon. Let’s just take a look at how scary a thing this is,” replied Mr. Bueller as he reached into the backpack. “I mean, if it doesn’t look real, perhaps we won’t have to involve the authorities.” He removed the item, which was carefully rolled up in a shirt.
“Really?” said Erlon, beginning to feel somewhat relieved. “You mean, you might not have to tell my Mom?”
“Erlon,” chided Mr. Bueller, “Are you more afraid of your Mom than the cops?” He held the shirt up by a corner, allowing the shirt to unroll, and the item to drop on his desk. As it hit the desk, so did his jaw. For the item wasn’t a knife. Or a gun. Or a weapon (really) at all.
The item…was a 9 inch....glow in the dark...
battery-operated...multiple speed…….vibrator.

On second thought….I really am looking forward to school starting.


"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives." Plan 9 From Outer Space

Little Surfer Girl

APj is now BBQ - Body Boarding Queen!!! The pic is me after having rode a wave all the way in!
Yes -- I rode it hard, and yes, it put me away wet. Oh, and the white stuff is not sea smooge, it's zinc oxide.
(Gotta watch the sunburn on such a fair lass as I...)


A body board -- to those of you not familar-- is kinda like those kick boards you used to use in swimming lessons as a kid. Although they are bigger and meatier. The idea is to have the upper half of your body on the board, catch a wave, and ride the wave.

Let's review: My body on top. check. Catch a wave. double check. Ride the wave.....
(--err, sorry -- went to the store --) triple check.
Of course, Poseidon--being the trois of this menage--has other ideas. He wants to be on top. So he let's you catch a wave, only to roll you over and blow you. Blow salt water and sand up every orifice you've got. and possible some you didn't know you had....

Which brings us to surfing. Unfortunately (for you), I don't have many pictures of me surfing -- partially because I wasn't as successful at "Hanging Ten." Did you know that means to hang ten toes off the edge of the board!?!?!?!?
You've got to be fricking kidding me! I did graduate quickly from slacker surfing
(just laying on the board, but still catching the wave), to prayer surfing (on my knees all the way in to shore). I actually did manage to stand up and ride a wave on three separate occasions for 2-5 seconds. Hey! Quit your laughing. The really hot Aussie told me that it counted. (Don't ask -- he was too young. Way too young.)
I had a one very awesome turtle roll run: I was riding on my knees (now there's a picture for you....), trying to get my balance to stand up, lost balance and started to roll over in the wave. Didn't let go of the board and rolled over -- still haning on to the board.
"Would you do it again?" you ask.
Board on top, Poseidon on bottom, APj in the middle.














Nuff said... Party on, Garth....

Everybody's gone surfing......

SURFING USA!

Okay -- as many of you know, I am taking my youth group down to San Diego for Surf Camp. Yes, some fools trust me with their children.
No, I've never surfed before.
Yes, I am going to try.
No, I do not plan to date any of the surferdudes!

I'm taking my laptop -- on the outside chance that I can find a connection
--geez, sounds like an addiction, eh?
"S'cuse me? Have you got wireless?"
"Get outa here, bum!"

If I find a wireless spot (Swe-eet!) I'll post some pics and stories.

Otherwise, look for me on Friday!!

Later, dudes and dudettes!!

APj

All that matters now is Jayne… what Jayne wants, what Jayne needs

While trapsing about Blogland, I stumbled upon this at TME’s site. Also – thomcat has written some hot stuff on TME's site as well...
-- I went to the store at least twice, and have printed it out for future store runs

The Internet seems to have the answer for just about everything. You simply use a search engine and type in what you’re looking for. “Eureka!” I thought, “I’ll ask Google what it is that I need.” So I went to Google, typed in '(real name used) needs”

The title for this post was one of the first solutions! Isn't that similar "It's All About Me?" Hmmmm....I may be on to something.......what's next--

APj needs a plan
Duh! That’s not much help. Isn’t that why we’re trying this Google thing?

APj needs date
Okay – Google is starting to sound like my entire Rogue bunch. Lecram’s even threatening to find a P.F. don’t ask….

APj needs to check in before I send Bond out to find her
Which Bond are you sending!?!?!?!? Forget that, I really don’t care which one you send. Although, Lelly will get awfully angry if I do Daniel Craig. Hmmmmm…..just call me Moneypenny!

APj needs to go man
Actually….I think this was a typo. I think it should be “APj needs a go-to man.” ‘Nuff said.

APj is a dog
I think this is just a polite way of saying, “APj is a bitch.” …..you say “bitch” like it’s a bad thing…..

APj needs a good smack
…and her hair pulled too!

APj needs to learn some manners
Fuck you. Oh….did I say that aloud? Sorry. Asshole.

APj needs some appreciation
Yeah, damnit! On your knees! Oh…what’s that? That’s worship? Okay! Works for me!

APj needs to be sedated
“20-20-20-4 hours a day!” Ya’ gotta love the Ramones…..(even though I used to think they were singing, “20-20-20-4 hours a day! I want a piece of Katy”)

APj is unable to function
This is not necessarily true. She may be rusty…..but we think that all battlestations are go.

APj, Please...the east coast needs you
Hey – they had their chance…..

BUT we need to get APj out
Okay, okay!! Kinda beating a dead horse, aren’t ya?

.....and finally......

If I were alone in a room with APj , I would _____.
Don’t cha’ just luv audience participation?

Happy Birthday Erynn!!!!

She calls herself “Erynn with 2 NN’s and a Y”
Which makes her Mama cry,
And smile, because she knows
She was supposed
To be at least an Eryn,
But probably so much more.

Erynn breathes in average air,
Exhales without a (seeming) care,
But poetry flows and dances,
Taking daring chances,
Leaps and rolls off her tongue.

With her hand, she touches canvas
Mixing shades and colors in sensual bliss
Orange Girl, Pencil butterflies,
Whales and seahorses, sharing eyes
Come to life with a sweep of her brush.

My sweet poet, with a painters touch
It’s overwhelming to me that such
A magical and talented life that begun
within my body, is now twenty-one.

Happy Birthday Sweetie! I love you!

Survey SAYS!

So, in the best blogger tradition, I have stole this from Lime, who stole it from someone else, who stole it.....you get the picture.

Have you ever.....
Gotten stuck in an elevator? Yes. But that was nothing! One time, my daughter and I got stuck on “Space Mountain” at Disneyland! They had to turn on the lights, help us out of the car, and walk us down the ride. Did you know that there’s a picnic table at the bottom for the workers to eat lunch at?

Egged a person? …..was playing the egg toss game at a company picnic. Purposefully threw the egg hard enough to break on Voldemort (exhusband). Hey, I never said I was nice….

Stalked someone to find out where they work or live? No. Just because you: find out where they live, where they work, where they have lunch, where they buy food, gas and snacks, just because you drive by their house on the way to Madera, Clovis, the Tower, Riverpark, Kansas and Oregon……doesn’t mean you’re stalking them…..

Spent an entire day in nothing but your underwear? Yup. Why do you think the first question I ask when you answer the phone is, “What are you wearing?”

Read some friends mail or other personal papers without them knowing? Yup. How else am I supposed to get all that info that makes me look so intuitive?Gone skinny dipping? Yup. But….(butt….) my fave was the time we “almost” went skinning dipping. Gorgeous Joe Skradski. Hmmmmm….blog story coming soon!!!!!

Been in a fist fight? Yup. A few, actually. But the best was in 6th grade. Gino Harris kicked me while I was sitting down, minding my own business. I ignored/warned on the first two. After the third kick, I stood up on gave him a left punch to his arm. He grabbed my hair and tried to bite me. Shocked, I gave him a hard left hook to his chin, and uttered the phrase that haunted him for the rest of junior high: “YOU FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.."

Last....
Time you tripped? At an all school assembly last year – over one of my students sprawled out legs

Time you cleaned up the base of your toilet? On Tuesday, because I had company coming. Donned my potty gloves. Why potty gloves? Because I have potty issues, and I can’t touch the potty with my bare hands….but the gloves I use on the potty can’t be used for anything else.

Gum you had? .38 oh G – U – M. that would be Extra Bubble Gun --- err gum.

Pair of socks? The socks are also divorcing and splitting up at my house. They are all single. Mad sock orgy in the sock drawer: black with white, sport with knee…..totally disgusting….

Beverage you had? Hmmm.. water today. But I did have a big girl drink (alcohol) last night. But only one – no worries – “Drunk Jayne” was not out last night…

Spur of the moment decision you made? Many. Some good, some not so good. I try to keep the spur decisions to the ones likely to do the least amount of damage. Like what flavor ice cream to eat…

Movie you watched? All, thank you. Shhh…..don’t tell, but I’ve seen Pirates 3 three times……

What would you....
Say if your best friend told you they love you? Say it back, and hope he turns into a prince.

Right now.....
What are you wearing? I’m naked. (please refer to the above question regarding underwear-all-day). But actually, I’ve got a pink-polka-dotted cami and white drawstring pants. With no panties…..

What are you thinking? Do you still want me?

What are you listening to? As always, the voices in my head. And kien’s CD.

What would you like to be listening to? Someone whispering, “Damn Little Fox, where’d you learn to kiss like that?”

Are you annoyed by the length of this survey? It’s a survey?!?!?!? Do I get a prize!?!?!?!?

Are you tired? Not yet. I can go for hours. Four hours? Fore ours? I'm so confused....perhaps I should lay down.....

How many people in the room? One physical body, a few ghosts, one or two skeltons in the closet, a baritone warbler, and the multitude in my mind…

Any cuts or bruises on your body? Nope. At least none on the outside.....but yes, cut and bruised inside...

Are there any animals in the room? Not physically.

Are you eating anything? Not nobody, not no how!

People who I would like to do this? I’m not telling you the people I’d like to do!!! Ya’ll know who I’d like to do!!!!
But applications are available between 7-9am, Friday-Sunday.

.....but it's so true!!!

Your Birthdate: November 5

You have many talents, and you are great at sharing those talents with others. I do so-o-o-o want to share my talents.....with others..... Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too likeable to elicit jealousy. Yes, yes, you WANT to be jealous of me.....but I'm so absotively posilutely likeable! I'm so "Sally Fields!" "You like me! You really like me!" Progressive and original, you're usually thinking up cutting edge ideas. Actually, Lecram is usually the one who is thinking up cutting edge ideas. I'm usually thinking of cutting up someone's edges.... Quick witted and fast thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges. DUH!!!! Your strength: Your superhuman brainpower Your weakness: Your susceptibility to boredom susceptibility to boredom? Is that like A.D.D.? Your power color: Tangerine Your power symbol: Ace Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Takin Care of Business, Country Style...

So….ya’ll know that APj’s gotta gun…..and yes, before we go any further, she does know how and when to use it. Like one night....long long ago... Voldemort was away on his annual “Kill Bambi” trip……

“Mr. Depp! You’ve got to climb—“
“APj! How many times have I told you? Just call me Johnny-“
“Johnny! It’s time! You’ve got to climb out of the plane…..omigawd! Why am I nekkid? I didn’t—“

CRASH!
“Shit!” I cussed, as I sat bolt up in bed.
CRASH!
“Double shit!” cussing again as I realized that I wasn’t on a nude skydive with Johnny Depp. I was alone in bed. The sound of busting glass and the barking dog meant that I wasn’t alone in the house.
“shitshitshitshit,” I muttered retrieving the gun from the nightstand. “I knew I shoulda moved the phone in here.”
And then – that other voice in my brain started talking.
“What are you doing?”
“I gotta go see what’s happening.”
“What’s happening?!?!?! Stupid! Someone’s in the kitchen! That’s what’s”
“Would you shut up!?!?!? I’ve got to think”
“You don’t gotta think! You gotta get out of the house – now! Just go—“
“I can’t just go! Erynn’s sleeping – what about—“
“What are you doing!?!?!? Don’t go down the hall—“
“I’ve got to. I’ve got to see—“
“Don’t you rememberthose horror movies? We’re always saying, ‘Don’t open that door, don’t open that door?’ And then some stupid bitch opens the door and bam! She’s dead. Do you wanna be dead? No? So go back to the bed—“
“Would you stop being so loud in my brain?!? I’ve gotta get this all right: Gun not pointed up—“
“yeah – ain’t that the truth. They always do that in the cop shows—“
“Shh!! Gun at body/chest level. Don’t hold the gun too far away from your body”
“Damn straight! Cause Freddy Krueger will just knock it out of your”
“Would you just shut your mouth!?!? Damn I wish the dog would stop barking!”
“Sure you do – cause then she’d be DEAD! Killed by the escaped murderer hiding in your kitchen right—“
“Stop it! This is it! Either help me or shutthefuckup!”

I came around the corner, gun at chest level, close to my body, and not pointed to the ceiling. “Don’t move muthafucker!” I screamed, as I began to squeeze the trigger.

Thankfully, I was able to stop the squeeze……..which meant that the refrigerator did not die that evening.

Yes, I said refrigerator – for that is what I almost took out with my .38. You see, the 4 large glass panels in my ceiling light had come crashing down at the same time.

Crashing glass, barking dog, and one badass Momma with a .38.

Hmmm.......

I loved how well I was done by all…..nasty as it sounds. Sometimes it’s fun to see the differences between how you view yourself, and how others view you. So, for your entertainment and enjoyment…..

I will do myself:

Dominant top who finds herself
transitioning into Intuitive follower
Social loner in jeans with killer shoes (bare toes)
Cute overlyplayfull kitten planning
Hiding the TenderTeddy under warm flannel sheets
Vanilla talkative on the outside, dreamy sexy hidden insideWindow shopping on vodka
For the nerd with brawn. But with enough common sense to always choose brain over brawn


Okay, my friends. Thanks for allowing me a few narcissitic days.

DO ME!!!!

yes...yes I'm still practicing the line. I'm sure the opportunity will arise (pun intended) sometime in the next decade.....
But until then, I've stolen this from Solitaire, and thought it might be fun to play:

pick one word from each pair that you think describes APJ the best and leave it in the comments. Then i'll do you!! -- Your heart should be racing about now...
--then copy this and post it in your own journal(if you want to do so)to see how your friends view you.

*dominant or submissive
*logical or intuitive
*social or loner
*kinky or vanilla
*cute or sophisticated
*kitten or puppy
*warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
*leader or follower
*quiet or talkative
*spontaneous or planned
*teddy bear or porcelain doll
*hiking or window shopping
*tequila or vodka
*top or bottom
*bare foot or shoes
*jeans or slacks
*tender or rough
*aware or dreamy
*nerd or jock
*brains or brawn
*common sense or book smarts
*pretty or sexy

How'd You Do?????

So-o-o-o-o….How well do you know APJ?
Ms. KFarmer got 4 right, Lime got 2 right, and both Jade Ed and SGL were correct in their incorrect answers –
--does that make sense?!?!?! Perhaps people (Jade Ed and SGL) need to go back to school and learn that part about reading directions…..

1. JOBS.
I have never been an intern at anything, and I assure you that my A.D.D. would kick in to super hyper drive if I had to look at microchips all day. Although I do love to dance (thanks Lime for thinking I could have been an exotic dancer….you made my day!), and I would love to take one of those pole-dancing aerobic classes (strictly for the exercise, of course), no one has ever paid me to dance, exotic or otherwise. Although there was that one time at Band Camp…..

But – surprise, surprise – I’ve been teaching Sunday School for 20 years. Yes, yes, I know. Somehow it just “doesn’t fit.” To borrow a favorite line from the movie, Michael, -- “I’m not that kind of angel.”

2. MOVIES
Hi, my name is Jayne, and I am a movieaholic. I love all movies – can’t stand to wait for them to come out -- don’t mind watching a movie more than once….and sometimes 5 times! But Uma and John just don’t hold a candle to Kate. I have been known to stay up all night because “Bringing Up Baby” or “Adam’s Rib” is being shown on TNT. What a classy woman she was.

3. PLACES I’VE LIVED
This one was easy – if you thought about it. I am a military brat – so everywhere I lived was near an AirForceBase. Only one that fits the bill is Plattsburgh, NY. I remember ice skating on the lake, crossing the ferry to Montreal…..oh yeah, one more thing: Although the dreams started in Merced, the original setting for the “Lady with the Flashlight Eyes” was here.

4 T.V. SHOWS
Hi. My name is Jayne. I was the oldest known Buffy fan……until I hooked my mother on it. Hey – rent the first two seasons. Watch them. And then call me and tell me you don’t wanna know what happens next. Go ahead. I dare you.

5. VACATION/DESTINATION:
Germany and New Zealand are on my Vacation/Destination list….. but I have been to China. Went in February 2005 with my sister and her family to pickup my new niece. I am going to Virginia to see them in August…..I can’t wait!

6. FAVORITE FOOD
Omelettes are good – but usually too big. Tuna fish is not people food – it is cat food. Haven’t you ever noticed that the cat tins and the Chicken of the Sea cans are the same size? I rest my case. But…..I love pancakes!!!!! That’s why I really don’t know how I gave up white flour for Lent. What WAS I THINKING!?!?!?!? Note to self: Do not do that again – especially during the Rogue. Note to kien: thank you for building barricades around your pancakes. Note to Jade: thanks for always telling me that your waffle was yucky.




7. ALTERNATIVE ACTIVITIES:
I don’t really sleep very much – although I do enjoy it. Making Love? What’s that? Is it an appetizer? A Main course? Some kind of origami? Note to self: Look this up after posting.


8. IN MY PURSE:
I usually have dental floss in my purse – although if I’ve run out, Jade Ed usually has some. I never have money with me – I find that I do better with my debit card. Condoms? You’ve got to be kidding. Those aren’t in my purse…. You know I have three things in the drawer next to my bed……..

WANNA PLAY A GAME?

Okay, I saw this on Boo’s site – and it reminded me of a game I play with my students.
--No, not those kinds of games (you sickos) – I leave THOSE kinds of games to the teachers in our south valley and in Florida. I am not, have not, and will never be, attracted to my students.
Unless Mr(s). Pitt/Clooney/Depp decide to repeat the 7th grade…
but I digress—

This game is called “2 Lies and 1 Truth” Each statement is followed by 2 answers that are false, and 1 that is true. I do this to see how well my students know me, to see what assumptions they may make, etc.

So-o-o-o-o….How well do you know APJ?
Please respond with your answers -- and I will let you know who the winner is.....and what the winner wins.
Hey....it's my game, so-o-o-, it's my rules-schmules.


1. Job i’ve had in my life
a. exotic dancer
b. intern @ intel
c. Sunday School teacher

2. movie i'd watch over & over:
a. anything Uma Thurman
b. anything Katherine Hepburn
c. anything John Travolta

3. place i've lived:
a. Austin, TX
b. Ontario, Canada
c. Plattsburgh, NY

4. tv show i love/loved to watch:
a. 24
b. Buffy/Vampire Slayer
c. Law and Order SVU

5. place i've been on vacation:
a. New Zealand
b. Germany
c. China

6. One of my favorite foods:
a. pancakes
b. omelette
c. tuna fish

7. something i'd rather be doing right now:
a. sleeping
b. making love
c. making love

8. Something i always/usually carry with me:
a. $$$$
b. condoms
c. dental floss

THE BATHTUB TEST

Okay - I'm working on a poem...but am getting hassled for a post. And thankfully, my sister, JoJo sent me this in my email this morning:

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

First Kiss

Okay – I had a dream the other night. Great dream! All about – well, let’s just say that I woke up smiling. I’m working on a poem about the dream – may be done over the weekend. Maybe not.
But the dream got me thinking/reminiscing. Do you remember your first kiss? I don’t mean that first lips-brush-or-almost-touch kiss. I mean, your first-skyrockets-in-flight kiss. I do. I was almost fifteen –
--hey, I started late. Made up for lost time. What can I say?

--I was almost fifteen……Lincoln Nebraska…….Hot summer night……..Brother’s best friend……

Susan and Jayne were sitting on the front step, enjoying the rare cool evening breeze.
“He’s so hot!”
“Shhhhh, Susan! He’s gonna hear you”
“So! He is so-o-o-o fine! I think you oughta kiss him,” Susan challenged, “Comeon! Dontcha even think about kissing him?”
“Think about it!?!?!?” Jayne thought to herself, “It’s ALL I think about.”
“How long was he at St. Francis Hone for Boys? Was he there the whole time your brother was?”
“Yes! Now shut up! He’s coming!”
Mike came around the corner of the house, all badboy swagger, guitar in hand.
“Hey, little foxes! What’s kicking?”
“Oh nothing,” replied Susan as she stood, “But I’ve gotta jet! I haveta babysit the demons down the street! Later, toothless-gator!”
Jayne gave their standard reply, “Yeah! ‘be wise, bubble-eyes!”
Jayne suddenly realized that Mike was still standing over her. “What about you, little fox? You gonna run home too? Or you wanna hang with me?”
Jayne felt an unfamiliar warmth spread from her ears to her toes. The blush left her unsteady as she rose to his challenge, and with all the breath and bravado she could muster she retorted, “Home! Silly boy! I’m already home – don’t gotta run nowheres! Where you gonna hang?’
The last gleam of the setting sun bounced off his blonde hair, and planted itself firmly in his left green eye. With a nod of his head he leaned in and whispered, “Going up to the schoolyard.” He leaned in a bit closer. “ Gonna finish that song I sang you.” He leaned in even closer. “Wanna go?” His mustached lips grazed Jayne’s cheek, and Jayne felt the color rise again. “How ‘bout it, little fox? Think you can hang?”
For the first and possibly only time, the quick retort eluded Jayne. “Um-hmm,” was all she could say.

The schoolyard was dimly lit. The Motocross boys were over in corner – jumping the stairs. Jayne was vaguely aware that a basketball game going on. She felt the bark of the tree scratching her back. But all she could hear was Mike, guitar, and the end of his song. “-But this is all I have to give.”
“Geez, Mike. That’s a beautiful song. Who’s it for?”
“Her name was Amanda. But I don’t want to talk about her.” Mike set the guitar down and lazed out on the ground, gazing upward, propped up on his elbows. “You’ve got the most amazing eyes.” He scooted closer, placing his head in Jayne’s lap. “What color are your eyes, anyway?” He brushed Jayne’s stray hair back in place, but left his hand in her hair, pulling her face closer, as if to see, “I thought they were blue – but in this light they look green” and he pulled her face even closer—
Jayne felt as if her heart were going to leap from her chest. He smelled like the woods – overwhelming and intoxicating all at once. “Holy shit,” she thought. “I think he’s going to kiss me! He’ll be able to tell that I’ve never—“
“Ah, I see little fox! They’re blue and green. Such dangerous eyes for such a young little fox—“
And Jayne felt the brush of his mustache just to the left of her lower lip. Instinctively she turned towards the tickle, and found her lips entwined with Mikes. His tongue ever so gently caressed first her upper, then her lower lip, and then cautiously ventured in.
Jayne’s heart was racing. It seemed that every spot on her face touched by his tongue was atingle and aquiver. She grew brave, sending her tongue into his mouth, tasting him. She no longer heard the bikes or the basketball, she only heard her heart racing. She no longer felt the tree behind her or the ground beneath. In fact, she found her hands in his hair and on his chest, pulling him closer because she felt like she was floating, knocked off her feet.
“Whoa, little fox. Where’d you learn to kiss like that? Your brother’ll kick my ass, this goes any further…”
Slowly standing up, Mike offered a hand to Jayne, as she stumbled. “Looks like you’re a bit dizzy—“
Jayne found enough breath to muster, “Musta been the kiss.”


postscript: No, this is not the same Mike I was married to. But, if I count this one, it means that I've had five (count them, 5) Mikes. I cannot date another Mike. Although I really do like the name....obviously....I just can't.

Here I go....again!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about APj!

1. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about APj!
2. The average duration of sexual intercourse for APj is two minutes.
3. Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from APj.
4. APj will often glow under UV light!
5. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating APj from each salad served in first class.
6. APj is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
7. APj was originally called Cheerioats.
8. APj is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
9. It is impossible to fold APj more than seven times.
10. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are APj.

1. Are you scratching your ear? Stop talking about me! Still scratching?

2. This is so wrong......sex must first be STARTED before there can be any DURATION!

3. Kien? Marcel? Care to shed any light on this one?

4. & 6. Hey. Play the right notes on said instrument and I can guarantee glow - UV light or not!

5. Frick American Airlines. and Frick First class while we're at it.

7. Wrong, again. I was originally called SuperSugarSmacks.

8. Not stripped -- err I mean STRIPED at all. Geez -- where do they get this info? STAR Magazine!?!?!?

9. Trust me. You'd be lucky to get her folded twice, let alone seven times. And why would we want to fold her seven times!?!?

10. This is just an outright, blatant lie. If I was doing this much dating, I probably could be folded seven times.....

Sunday's Prayer

I have morning and evening bits I do, that involve reading, thinking, writing, and conversing. One of my bits this morning included the line, "Do not fear, only believe" which
has been/is/and will continue to be one of my favorites.

But simple as it sounds, it is something I struggle with -- letting go of the fear in so many different situations. I decided to really allow myself to be vulnerable - to "not fear, only believe" -- and share my conversation:

Do not fear, only believe.
But believing means that I’ve got to step off the mountain, step off the cliff
Dive into air
And travel at a speed approaching sound and light
As a feather, but I’m heavy like a rock
And rocks can’t fly, they fall
Not free
Just fall

So You call to me “Do not fear, only believe”
But I tried that, and look where it got me
Got milk?
So catchy, but I’m becoming more lactose intoler
Ranting on and on boring myself, boring
Holes into my own brain and psyche.
Psyching myself up again to believe
I can fly,
Not fall,
But fly.

And You encourage me, “Do not fear, only believe”
But where do You get off telling to not fear,
When fear is a dish You’ve never really tasted?
Yes, Pain was your main
Coursed through your vein, but fear? Never
Fear, for You knew for certain what lay at the end of your rocky road
Ice cream.

I scream, “How can I not fear?
Fair it is not! And damn it I do believe
That I can fly! But I also know I could die
Jumping off that cliff
Diving into the air.
I know that I could fall
Not free,
Just fall
Like a rock.

And again, You whisper,
“Do not fear, only believe…..”