"4 Me" Meme

Okay -- I stole this from Solitaire, because I'm not ready with the latest installment of my woeful dating history......I promise to have it up by the weekend so ya'll can laugh, snort, snicker, or whatever other noises you care to make.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Waitress
2. Retail clerk
3. Asst. Controller/Accountant
4. Middle school teacher - (current and favorite!!)

Four movies I would watch over and over :
1. Wizard of Oz
2. Edward Scissorhands
3. Young Frankenstein
4. Ladyhawke
Obviously, I am not anchored in reality: munchkins, men with sharp fingers, doctors in denial, women as birds and men as wolves. Okay, that last one could be reality…..

Four places I have lived:
1. Fresno, CA
2. Lincoln, NE
3. Plattsburgh, NY
4. Salina, KS
Uh-huh – life as a military brat. But with six kids, we never went overseas with my dad….hmmm, no wonder me mom’s nuts….

Four TV shows I love to watch :
1. Lost
2. Alias
3. Veronica Mars
4. House
Mysterious island, women that kick ass, and doctors in denial……

Four cancelled TV shows I miss:
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2. Firefly
3. Angel
4. La Femme Nikita
Again: women that kick ass..

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Hong Kong
2. Fiji
3. Hawaii
4. Disneyland
#2 & #3 were with Voldemort – but were still fun!! #1 was a year ago to get my niece. And most recent #4 was with my Rogue bodyguard.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On vacation in London
2. On location with Brad Pitt
3. On Motivational adventure
4. On recreational vehicle
Thus proving that even in reality, I'm not anchored in reality....

Jumping Jayne!!!

picture taken after "big accident." That's me in the tan jumpsuit with the red helmet.

Here are the four most common questions I ever got about skydiving....and my answers:

Q: Why would anyone jump from a perfectly good airplane?

A: There is no such thing as a perfectly good airplane. Especially a “jump plane”


Q: How come you started skydiving?
A: Cause I wanted to fly. And meet guys.

Q: If I go up in the plane to watch the skydivers jump, and there’s an emergency,
how will I know if I have to jump or not?
A: If the pilot goes out the door, I advise you to follow him.

Q: I went on that parachute ride at 6 Flags, and it made me sick. Does it really feel
like that?
A: No – I hate that ride at 6 Flags – makes me wanna vomit.

There is no feel of falling in freefall – I always liked calling it “freeflying,” cause I don’t like falling! But there is no feel of “falling” not like when you jump out of a tree or off of a roof (yup, did both). In freefall, you’re too high up, too far from anything big enough for you to register movement against. Hmmmm…..still confused, eh?
Okay, time for another APj stroll – or in this case – fly, down memory lane:

I was very excited as the plane climbed: they were going to let me “close” last. Since there were only a handful of us women on the drop zone, we often became a novelty – “Just go out there and hold a heading. We’ll fly to you,” was the norm. But the four of them were going out first (2 on on the strut, 2 on the step) and I was gonna “bombout” the door. Cool!!!!
So we’re on jumprun, everybody is climbing out and into position, “Eat, Fuck, Skydive!” (Hey, its’ more clever than 1-2-3-go!), and off they went.
And the plane lurched a bit.
--and I lost my balance
--and fell back in the plane
--just a little bit.
But enough to put me REALLY far away by the time I recovered!!!! “Shit!! I’ll never catch em!” I berated myself. Pulling my arms in, and streamlining my body, I became a bullet in the sky. I was screaming through the sky at 120MPH. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll catch them after all…..”
Quickly, I saw that I was approaching the now-completed four-way. But I couldn’t believe what I saw. “Shit! Why are they spinning?” How could they do this to me? How am I supposed to dock if they won’t stop spin—“
About 20-30 feet away, I realize that --
I am flying at 120MPH towards them.
As a screaming corkscrew.
THEY are not the ones spinning.
The spinner is ME.
I frantically “get big” to slow my speed and stop my spiral. I slide 180degrees around the circle. And dock.
We smile, kiss pass (yup, just like it sounds), wave off, track away and pull.

On the ground, one of the SkyGods came over grinning and waving, “AirplaneJayne! Bitchin’ approach! You looked so hot!!””

Uh-huh. I never did tell him that I didn’t mean to do it. Why spoil a good thing?

Dating Story #2

So…I’d sprung a leak. Well…not me, my sprinklers. Err – the sprinklers in the yard. Seems I kept forgetting where some of ‘em were and I’d run over them with the tractor. Much better about it now – but I’ve gotten sidetracked –
Sprinklers broken. Saturday morning. So I decided to go to the hardware store to get sprinkler parts and then to the gym and workout (good girl). So I’m dressed in my workout clothes:
Those of you who don’t know me – please realize that I am a chubby girl. My workout clothes consist of yoga pants and a T-shirt. And a hair clip. I definitely do not look like some hottie in a thong leotard….
So – I’m standing in line at OSH with my parts, when I realize that the guy in front of me is staring at my chest. “Well! I never!” I’m fuming to myself. As I make eye contact and try to come up with something clever, he says, “That’s a funny shirt you’ve got there.”
“Huh?” I say silently. And then I realize that I’ve got my “Don’t make me call my flying monkeys” shirt on.
“Oh, thanks!” I reply sheepishly, retracting the deadly daggers that I mentally impaled in his crotch. “I’m kinda a Wizard of Oz fan.”
“I like that movie too!”
“Think of something!” my brain screams….
Seeing that he has garage door springs in his hand, I offer, “Gee – looks like you’re going to have fun.”
“Ha, ha,” he responds, “Err – I’ve never done them before. Have you?”
“Uh-huh. One of the times my Dad was very impressed with my Hulk like strength!” I laughingly retort.
“Perhaps you’d like to come help?”
“Oh no!” I slyly respond, “Can’t you see? I’ll be working on sprinklers all afternoon.”
“Aw, come on! I’ll make you lunch…”
“Yeah, yeah – I can see it now: not only will I be putting the springs on your garage, but I’ll have to make my own sandwich too!”
We both laugh as the clerk finishes ringing him up. He starts to leave, and turns and says, “It was nice talking to you.”
“Yeah – I’ll be thinking about you and your springs while I’m fixing my sprinklers”
“Ha, ha…..are you sure you have to fix those sprinklers?”
“Oh yeah – I’ll take the easy job, thankyouvery much!”
“Well,” he says, “again…it was nice talking to you.”
As he exits the store, the clerk is shaking her head. “Geez! Dontcha just hate it when guys can’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”
“Huh!?!?”
“That guy!” she says to me, “I’ve never seen a guy hit on someone so hard!”
“Scuse me? Hit? On me? Oh no, I don’t think he……was he hitting on me?”
She looks at me with a “areyousomestupidkindofdorkorwhat” expression.
“Ma’am. You’re kidding, right?”
As the red rises and spreads from my neck, to my cheeks, to my eyes, and my ears, I shake my head, thank her politely, and make a speedy exit….

I went to the hardware store weekly for a month….but alas, I never saw Mr. Garage-door Man again.

43 things about me. Cause the answer can't be 42...

I found this cool meme on addict's site -- and stole it! I love these things!!!!! And really, they do tell me loads about myself.
And I'll have the next dating disaster story tomorrow or Tuesday.

1. When was the last time you had sex?
Alone or with someone?
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
Preferably with my foot so I don’t have to touch the handle and get cooties…remember: I have potty issues…..
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always! and so does any living member in my vehicle! Dead members are allowed to ride in the trunk…
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yup! Currently have two crushes. Haven’t followed thru on either. Neither crushee knows that I think they are crush-able.
5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it?
Toilet paper. See #2 above.
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Shirley McClaine. I think we we’re twins in another life.
7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Artichoke hearts
9. Do you crack your knuckles?
No way! Dontcha know that makes them big?
10. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
Any song when it’s stuck in there.
11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
Naw – but I’m hearing, “I write the songs that make the whole world sing” and it’s making me want to change my answer on #10.
12. What are your super powers?
I can fly. I just haven’t tried it without a parachute…..yet.
13. What is the hardest thing you have faced?
Self-doubt
14. Where are your car keys?
Thank you for asking! I finally found the rogue keys after their four day hiatus! They are – shit! Where are they?
15. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
Anyone willing to answer! But a better question would be, “Who do I think will answer?” And the answer to THAT question is: Jade and Lelly.
16. What's your most annoying habit?
That I think that I’m always right……..(but seriously, I am…..)
17. Where did you go on your last vacation?
Nebraska….Hey! quit laughing! I went to see Mom and Dad!
18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it who would it be?
Ex-husband, aka, Voldemort.
19. What is your best physical feature?
My eyes. Although Devon said I’ve got nice legs… But I think I’ll go with my eyes…
20. What CD is closest to you right now?
Kien lim. Go check him out.
21. What three things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Water, soy bread, and some lumpy shit I forgot to throw out….
22. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I don’t knowingly cross the path of a black cat…
25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
Yes – do ya’ got a problem with that?
26. What would your name have been if you'd been born the opposite gender? If you don't know what your parents would've chosen, what name would you choose for your other-gendered self?
Jason or Joshua. We have a “J” thing going in our family.
27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg!”
28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go?
Forward! Why go backwards!!! (See Lecram – I am getting better, eh?”)
29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
30. What CD is in your stereo?
Trick question!! Please see #20 above.
31. What OCD qualities do you have?
I’m not compulsive about anything…..really…….
32. How many kids do you want to have?
I have one. She is perfect. Case closed.
33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
How famous do they have to be? Oops! Guess it’s rude to answer a question with a question, so I’ll just go with the “famous-famous” and answer: Brad Pitt. Omigawd that would send me to the store….
34.Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
Pass up the opportunity to kiss Brad Pitt? Just because we’ve never been formally introduced? Areyoufrickinkiddin???? NO-WAY!!!! Duh!!!!!!!
35. What do you do when no one is watching?
Shhhhh….close your eyes…….okay, now just open them a bit…..did ya’ see it?
36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
Renee Zellweger. But the Renee-as-the-plump-Bridget-Jones, not the Renee-as-the-lollipop-headed-trophy-doll.
37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Blaze of glory! Saving children! Slaying the dragon! Shagging the Prince!!!! Oops!!! Did I really say ‘shagging?”
38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most?
Pixie sticks!
39. What is your favorite kid's movie?
Beauty and the Beast. I don’t care what you say, the Beast is hot! And I want dishes that put themselves away….
40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Geez –don’t make me say it again! He’s gonna get a swelled head.
41. Have you ever been in love?
I thought I was once…..but I may have been mistaken…..check back with me later…..
42. Do you talk to yourself?
Hey! It doesn’t mean you’re crazy!! Really!!! The shrink said that as long as I wasn’t arguing and physically fighting that it…
43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?Duh….please see #18 above.

THAT’S WHY I’M NOT DATING! #1

Prologue:
Having been single for the past three years after having been with Voldemort for twenty has led to some interesting and amusing adventures. This whole “dating” thing sucks – really! Or, perhaps dating doesn’t suck – maybe I just suck at dating. Seriously! Strange things seem to happen when I go on a date. --Or am interested in a guy. --Or a guy is interested in me.
So here begins a short series on my dating disasters.

So…. I had been going through a dry spell. Okay – let’s call it what it really was: a drought!. Symptoms: Parched, dehydrated, hallucinating and rambling. Geez, if I’d have known that being single was so bad for my skin, I might have kept Voldemort
--but I digress.
Drought. Dehydrated. Rambling. And Dry. Very dry.

So my friend, D, in all her wisdom, fixes me up with a fella. “Oh, Jayne! He’s really cute! Blue eyes, brown hair, nice butt.” No mention of employment. No Profit and Loss Statement. No Financial statement.
Just “nice butt.”
Sad that my friends know how truly shallow I can be.
“Really, Jayne – I think you’ll like him. I’m going to give him your phone number.”
And so, a few nights later, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Is this Jayne?”
“That depends; who’s calling?”
“My name is A, I’m D’s friend.”
“Hello, A! How are you?”

and yada-yada-yada. We talked on the phone a few times – I was charming and witty (as usual), and procured a date. A face-to-face date. Geez, just the thought of a date sent me scurrying to the loo with I.B.S.
“D!’
“Hey Jayne! How are you?”
“Terrible! I’m meeting A tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna die from dehydration –“
“But the drought is over—“
“No, not from the drought! From I.B.S.! Every time I think about tomorrow I gotta shit!”
Hysterical laughter erupts from the phone piece…..
“D! I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”
“Doo!!?!? You gotta doo!?!?!?”

Deciding that D was of no help, I got off the phone and stewed about my upcoming date: which led to three trips to the restroom. Good thing I purchase paper products in bulk.

The topper of the evening is the phone call from D’s daughter and her boyfriend.
“Jayne. Mom says you’re nervous. Okay – here’s what you do: Meet him at the restaurant so you have your car. Go ahead and have a drink, ‘cause it will relax you. But don’t have more than two (boyfriend screams, “have three – be easy!”). Wear something blue, but not sleazy (boyfriend chimes, “sleazy works for me!”). And it’s okay to kiss him at the end of the evening (boyfriend adds, “slip him the tongue!”)”

Yup. I ran, not skipped, to my loo.

The following day, I was ready for my date with A at 4:30. Unfortunately, my date was not until 6:00. Hmmmm…perhaps a wee bit anxious, eh? Time and two trips to the loo later it was time to go.
It was easy to spot A at the restaurant – and yes, D was right: beautiful blue eyes, great hair, and omigawd what a nice butt…….
I don’t need to bore you (any further than I already have) with the date details. Suffice it to say that I was, again, charming and witty. After we ate dinner, we went across the street and had a drink. After the drink we strolled around and went and had coffee. I, and my colon, were both doing well. Around midnight he walked me back to my car.
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmyhands?”

Yes, amazing how all the words blur together in your brain, eh? We’re walking across the parking lot, and he is holding my hand and telling me what a great time he had, and how he would like to see me again. At least, that’s what I think he said. There’s so much noise in my head, probably from that internal conversation, that it’s hard to hear him—
“So,” he says as we arrive at my car—
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmy—“
“—Jayne, thanks for a really great evening,”

and he leans in closer
and I hold my breath
and he starts to wrap his arms around me
and I hold my breath

and suddenly we are bathed in light from above. No, not aliens. Just the friendly Fresno County Sheriff heliocopter. Looking for hooligans. Or perhaps Voldemort was following me…..who knows?
All I know is that the potential kiss became a hug. All engines on shut down. Houston, there is no problem, so Good Night!

…..and that’s why I’m not dating!

Tally - Ho?

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere.And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

.....WARNING, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!! oops - wrong show.......but seriously, folks, this is my mum's biggest fear: that I will move to London!

Look out Lelly and Troubadour....ya' never know....

here I go again......

Unlike some of you.....I love to take these silly online tests! I got this one from Deadly Female, and thought I'd give it a go.
According to this test, I don't fit neatly into a category
--all together now:
"Duh!"
So, I've reviewed both categories:
7. The Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute
to the world
8. The Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective
-- and smooshed them as I saw fit. I call the new (!) category
THE ASSERTIVE ADVENTURER
(the color-coded lines indicate which "category" it comes from.

How to Get Along with an Assertive Adventurer
Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
Don't tell me what to do.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings.
Give me space to be alone.
Hmmm.....obviously you must relate to my more "adventurous" side! But I see how "fence straddling" that can be: how can I expect companionship and space to be alone? How can I expect you to be vulnerable, but not appear needy? Geez, no wonder I ain't dating....

What I Like About Being an Assertive Adventurer
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
having such varied interests and abilities
...even though these traits come from two different categories - I'm drawn to their similarities: outspoken and straightforward. courageous and guts. optimistic and enjoyment.

What's Hard About Being an Assertive Adventurer

being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
not having enough time to do all the things I want
feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
ah-ha!! And here is the bitter pill of APj! We see the ugly "Assertive" side of me: I find it hard to let the hurts go. I try to throw that baggage over the side of the boat (or out the door of an airplane!) but find myself diving (out of the boat or plane) to retrieve it. But it helps to have friends that remind me to Let Go.......

Insightful, eh? Let me know what YOU think.....

My Dad

My father is so strong. So resilient. And yet, he is tethered to life by tubing. He tells me that it is his lifeline – and he knows how far it will reach: to the back patio to take the trash out, to the front patio to check the mail, and all around the first floor.

But it doesn’t reach the basement. It can’t reach his bedroom on the second floor. And it can’t reach my house in California – so I have come to Nebraska to see him.

The sound is the same: a whooshing noise that is quickly cut off. Silence, and then another whoosh. But the silence isn’t so quiet – it’s filled with motor sounds, water gurgle sounds, and breathe sounds. I hear those sounds, and I’m immediately taken back – taken back to that horrible time when I was hooked up to a machine – a machine that was my link to life. The machine that kept me breathing. But now, it’s not me breathing, not my breath and life that is so dependent. It is my father. And I am helpless.


Dear Daddy,
I remember when I was little; you would come to wake me up in the morning. You would knock at my door, open n it a little, and softly call, “Lady Jayne, time to wake up.” I usually would already be awake, or wake up when you knocked. But I never said anything, because I loved to hear you call, “Lady Jayne.”
I remember when I got my first lead role in high school – “An Inspector Calls.” I didn’t even think you knew about it – or anything! But there you were on opening night – bouquet of flowers (yellow roses) in hand. And afterwards, you said, “Great job, Lady Jayne.”
And college - ha! Remember when I went to Kearney, Ne? And that pipe broke on the car – the one by the muffler? I called you and asked if I should stay and get if fixed, or come home. You said that I should take a look at it and do what I thought was right. So, I crawled under the car, pushed that pipe up, made a “U” from a wire hanger, and wrapped the entire contraption in duck tape – and drove the 2+ hours home. You came out of the house, crawled under the car, crawled out, went into the house, returned with the Polaroid camera, crawled back under the car to take a picture, came back out, grinning from ear to ear and said, “Great job, Missy.”
I have been truly blessed to have you as a father. Thank you for always thinking that I could do anything. Shoot! I think I always believed I could do anything, because you believed that I could!
Love,
Lady Jayne


It hurts to see him like this: This is a man who flew planes over Vietnam and Cambodia (although we still aren’t supposed to know about that part of that war). This man who carried the 12-year-old me into the hospital with a ruptured artery in my nose now struggles to carry a small load.

But still, he is strong. Still, he is resilient. He has already pissed off and impressed the hospice nurses. Pissed them off because he insists on driving to McDonalds for breakfast each morning. Impressed them because he seems to be defying the odds by getting better.

Step right up! Make a Pitch!

As you all are aware, I have been out of the dating pool/pond/puddle/drop for a couple decades (egad), and am somewhat rusty/dusty/cobwebby. Being somewhat clueless (okay, you're right: downright blind and oblivious), I appreciate all the offers of help -- including Jade's offer of drawing a map. But, I decided to put my business hat on. Hmmmmm, what would a Fortune 500 company do? Well, they would hire some consultant, who would come up with a fancy schmancy ad campaign, complete with some catchy slogan. --hey! Maybe I just need a slogan! Lucky for me, Lelly blogged about a fantastic site that would design a slogan specifically for you. For Free!!! HOW PERFECT IS THAT!?!?!?!? So, I typed in Airplanejayne.......here are the top 10 slogans for APj (and 2 more that didn't quite make the Top 10...)

12. My Anti-Drug is Airplanejayne.
Okay, those of you who know me, now see why they didn't let me use drugs often......way too scary!!!!
11. Everything We Do is Driven by Airplanejayne.
Hmmmmm.....very close to current motto: "It's All About Me!" so, it didn't make the Top Ten!
10. Devon Knows How They Make Airplanejayne So Creamy.
Huh? Devon doesn't know that. Shoot! Devon doesn't even blog. Devon won't even know what it is she can't possibly know unless some Rogue tells her it's on the blog...
9. Don't be an Amber Airplanejayne.
Now wait a minute. Amber is Amber. APj is APj. Although, let's face it: if APj could look like Amber.....
8. Why Have Cotton When You Can Have Airplanejayne?
Now this is more like it! But seriously, why have cotton at all?
7. Airplanejayne: The Other White Meat.
Uhhhhhh, heading into dangerous territory....
6. Making Airplanejayne Taste Better.
Okay, time to turn 180 degrees!
5. Silly Rabbit, Airplanejayne is for Kids.
Oops! turned too far! Setting the record straight: APj is NOT one of THOSE kinds of teachers.
4. Great Airplanejayne. Great Times.
Now this is more like it! Yup, yup, yup! always a great time!!
3. I Like the Airplanejayne in You.
(in my best Mae West: "Yeah, but I'd prefer You in the Airplanejayne!"
2. Nobody Does It Like Airplanejayne.
I really like this one! So please, let's not remember the rusty/dusty/cobwebby remark above--

and the #1 NEW SLOGAN FOR AIRPLANE JAYNE......

1. Get the Airplanejayne Habit.

--I'm going to Disneyland!!!!

Okay.....so I've spent the last few days trying to upload a really cool collage of photo's that I stole --err got off the Internet that would go so well with this post.....but to no avail. So....in the interest of timeliness and all...... I took the Guitar Wolf to Los Angeles. Walked the Walk of Fame, put our feet and hands in prints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, did the RockWalk (thanks to Thereiminman for suggesting it), Sunset strip, Disneyland, The Temporary Museum/Ashes and Snow exhibit in Santa Monica, and the Getty Museum.

Cor! Wot a road trip! I must say, that the Limey travels well: picked great road trip snacks (crunchy M&M’s and honeyroasted peanuts), didn’t backseat or passengerseat drive (although I did see him close his eyes fearfully a few times), and was quite agreeable. Other than the usual miscommunications between a Yank and a Brit
Jayne: You want to wink my what!!?!?!?!?!?

It was a fantastic trip. And, as usual, very educational. Educational? Disneyland? How, pray tell?

Things kien learned:
1. Americans don’t think they have to have license plates on the back of their cars. Of course, after Apj said that they did, we proceeded to see a dozen cars without plates.
2. the meaning of the word “awesome!” Yes – he even used it! Check his blog if ya’ don’t believe me…..
3. That although Bruce Willis looks very macho, his handprints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre prove elsewise. Wimpy, wimpy hands.
4. But kien’s got the same hands as Johnny Depp. –Err, according to the prints at Mann’s that is!!! Cor, get your minds out of the gutters!!

Things Apj learned:
1. Going upside-down isn’t all that bad. In fact, I think I like it. I’ll have to do it again. Thanks kien, for making me do it: California Screamin’!!!!
2. That the wrong music can make an exhibit pretentious. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it…..really! You say pretentious like it’s a bad thing…..oh, it is? Well….nevermind…..(but I still liked the photos…..)
3. Gotta get new CD’s. Road trips without CD’s aren’t a good thing. ‘specially when traveling with a musician. (but please remember: CD collection destroyed and stolen when Kermit was crushed.)
4. Did you know that the little Eskimo girl is not playing with the Walrus in “It’s a Small World?” Did you know that she’s fishing? Geez! Now I suppose you’ll tell me that Old Yeller didn’t get better at the end of the mov—


Which brings us to the ongoing plans for an alternative to Disneyland. But I’ll save that for a future post!

ABC's of APj

Okay, I stole this from House of Lime, cause I thought it was fun.

Accent-I love to hear a British accent. I do a reasonable: British, Irish, New Orleans, Georgia,
Alabama, Minnesota, and New York. But never at the same time. Again, that whole “food
touching” thing….
Booze of choice – Wine is fine. Not much of a drinker. Mike, the owner of Starline complains
that he makes no money on me……
Chore I hate – cleaning the cat box.
Dog or cat – have cats. Wish I had dogs. Why? Please refer
to “Chore I Hate” above….
Essential electronics – do battery operated devices count as electronics? Need I say more?
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – Romance by Ralph Lauren. Actually, any scent by Ralph
Lauren. Could actually even be intrested in Ralph….
Gold or Silver? – both. And diamonds too!
Hometown – us military brats have a hard time with
this. Hmmmm…..place I lived last, and still home to my parents is Lincoln, Nebraska. So I
guess that’s it, eh?
Insomnia? – often!
Job Title – Middle School Teacher. Which could be a euphenisum for Combat Warrior, eh?
Kids? – one. Actually, she swears she’s an adult now (20 yrs old), but she’ll always be my baby.
Living Arrangement – continuing to live. Thanks for asking!
Most admired trait – Hmmmm……it’s probably my sense of humor. Or maybe my smile. Can I
just say I think it should be my bodacious ta-tas? Just ‘cause I like to say that?
“Bodacious Ta-Tas!!!!”.
Number of Sexual Partners – Sex!?!?!?!?! Partners!?!?!?!? You mean I don’t have to do it
alone?????? Shit! I’m always the last one to find out about these things…..
Overnight Hospital Stays – tonsils= 1 night. Broken femur/pulmonary emybolism=11 nights.
Child birth=1 night. Thyroid attempted explosion = 1 night, gastrointestinal/colon related
surgery (don’t ask) = 2 nights. Geez – I should’ve applied for the frequent flyer miles….
Phobia – Food touching. Shouldn’t happen. Hardly ever. ‘nuff said.
Quote – “Do! Or Do Not! There is no try!” Yoda
Religion – Episcopalian.
Siblings – 3brothers, 2 sisters. All starting with the letter “J.”
JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Sick, huh?
Time I wake up – usually around 5:30. Unless insomnia strikes – in which case, I’m already
up…..
Unusual talent/skill – hmmmm, I can wiggle my ears, shake my groove thing, and tie a knot in
a cherry stem. And yes, all at the same time…..
Vegetable I refuse to eat – I like all veggies…..but I’ll only eat okra if someone else fixes it.
‘cause it feels slimey. And before those of you who know me pipe in – tomatoes are FRUIT
not veggies!!!!
Worst habit – Procrastination
X-rays – I think I’ve had enough x-rays taken that I am truly radioactive. Just like the song:
turnmeontonight, I’m radioactive.
Yummy foods I make – the best pancakes! Absolutely the best! Wanna come over for
breakfast?
Zodiac sign –Scorpio

So, Superman Steve and the V.P. have not had their baby……still! Steve did not do a show at the Rogue, because the baby was due, and we were just sure that the baby would arrive during the Rogue. Of course, some thought a Rogue stage birth could be very avant-garde….but the V.P. shot that idea down.
I hate waiting for this baby. And I hate not knowing whether the baby is a boy or a girl. The worst part of “not knowing” is knowing that someone actually knows – and it’s not the parents OR me – only their doctor. Geez, worse than Christmas!
But I’m hoping for a girl. Why? Well, for one thing, the clothes are cuter. But mostly,
--well, mostly because of the penis thing.
“Penis thing?” you ask, “what penis thing?”
That whole “penis as a WMD” thing.

Boys begin wielding their penis as a weapon from birth.

And I am so not joking. Any parent/babysitter/older sibling that has ever changed a baby boy’s diaper can attest to this truth: if you do not cover that weapon with something (hand, towel, wipe, etc) before the air hits it, it will unleash a deadly yellow liquid –aimed with amazing accuracy--directly towards your face.
And the baby grows…..into a toddler and little boy. A little boy just like my little brother, Jason. Let me tell you about Jason:
I come from a family of six kids: JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Oh, and Mom and Dad: JayandJanet. What can I say…
Anyway, all the way at the end of the line – JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulie – Jason – the youngest. Now, with six kids, bathtime was crazy. Obviously, there was no way, time or money wise, for six kids to get to take individual baths – so we usually had to “co-bathe.” The unwritten rule was that the oldest got to sit in the front of the tub – where the freshest, hottest, bestest (?) water was. So……
One evening, 10-year-old me and 3-year-old Jason were in the tub. Jason said, “I wanna sit in front.”
“No, I’m the oldest! I get the front.”
“Please…..”
“No!”
“If you don’t let me, I’ll pee on you.”
“No you won’t. Besides, I’m the oldest. I get to --- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Yup. My three-year-old brother had stood up…..and peed on me. Weapon of Mass Destruction deployed on innocent civilian in a water environment. I lept from the toxic tub and went screaming – naked – down the hall and into the kitchen, screaming, “Jason peed on me! Grodie to the max!”
From then on, I refused to use the “peepee tub”, I insisted on showers, and I refused to bathe with anyone else.
I don’t think I need to go on with further proof of the Penis as a WMD.

Dynamic Creator

Dynamic Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts
You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

How You Relate to Others
You are Dynamic
As someone who is DYNAMIC, you do not have a hard time meeting new people, and you have a bunch of close friends.
There are those who find being around people exhausting—but not you! Interacting with others, whether at a party or in conversation, gives you energy.
You have enormous respect for those who have earned their success, and have little patience for those who try to bend the rules or ride on the coattails of others' hard work.
Believing in the importance of integrity and hard work doesn't stop you from believing that people will do the right thing—you know that people are good at heart.
Part of what makes engaging with people so interesting for you is that you occasionally learn something new about yourself or about a problem you're having when discussing things with others.

Rogued hard and put away....

Rogue is finished – and I haven’t overpaid too many people…..I think. I will be tallying the $$ these next couple of days, and then will hang up the Rogue accountant calculator until next year. Here are some of my favorite observations and memories of this year:

1. APj is moonlighting at another festival. Geez! They’re just copying stuff from the Rogue. Can’t even come up with an original name. Her emails say it’s called the Rogo. You know, I knew she couldn’t be trus --
--what’s that? You say she just typed the email address wrong? Oh, well in that case – “Never mind.”
2. Unlike Mono or even Dengue Fever, Rogue Fever is not a fun thing to catch. No kissing, no fondling, no sex! But coughing and blowing (no, not that kind of blowing) all over the place! Am still on the waiting list for drugs from the Doc. Memo to self for next year: Get flu shot before festivities begin…….
3. If Nile says that a person seems nice, we need to:
- maintain eye contact in a non-threatening manner
- back slowly from the room
- run screaming from the place before the scary lady tries to tie us up also.
4. Kudos to Devon, if for no other reason than being Jag’s girlfriend!!! Please have sex with him soon so he will stop telling jokes….
5. So, I’m walking down Fulton, with a shitload of money in my pockets, towards Dianna’s North and South (or is that South and North? Warning; don’t ask kien, ‘cause he’s turned around in the fog….) and I look across the street. Blimey! That’s a big guy! I better keep an eye on him. Okay, if he crosses the street, I’m gonna scream like a girl and run like a track – “Jayne! What are you doing walking alone?” Oops….big guy turns out to be Mustang. Thanks for guarding the money, Mustang. Thanks to Dana for the money runs. Dana, I love the little-red-riding-hood basket….cracked me up.
6. It rocks having a bodyguard! Especially a cute foreigner with an accent. Cor, I hope he’s available next Rogue….
7. Ashtree has great accommodations! They even put mints on my pillow for me. I put in my request for an upgrade for next year: I’d like the pleasure palace, please…
8. SSM? Here? I don't believe it. Didn't get one dance. Nope! Mustabeen an impostor squirrel.
9. Marcel is just a damn good storyteller. Watching him two nights prior to his opening, I thought, “Geez! Is he gonna pull this off?” Not only did he pull it off, he gets top picks kudos from the Fresno Bee. But I still am confused about his whole “got both sizes….can accommodate either” Huh? What? I don’t get it…..
10a. and speaking of getting it: even though Solitaire claims she was the Rogue virgin, I doubt that she still is. Hot, hot, hot!
10b. and still speaking of “getting it” – I didn’t. Although, Jaded insists there was interest from some youngster (what is it with the twenty-somethings!?!?!? Mrs. Robinson fantasies!?!?!), I ascertain that there was no offer-age, and since there was no offer-age, there was no interest. Then I had some cute foreigner tell me he didn’t want to scratch my bottom, but insisted on inspecting said bottom when I scratched it myself (voyeur!), announced that although said bottom was rough, it was absolutely perfect (ta!), but then tell me he had to pull out of my boot because his box wouldn’t fit. Yup – went home alone that night too. And finally, my personal favorite Rogue line of the festival: “APj, if you draw me a map, I’ll go down on you.”

I kid you not. There is NOTHING like the Rogue.

Party on Garth.

Teacher silliness!

So, I go to a teacher seminar in Los Angeles for the weekend. Great opportunity to work and collaborate
--see, I learned a new word:
collaborate. verb, meaning (1) to show off in front of people. (2) to browbeat others to your manner of thinking. (3)

-collaborate on interesting and fascinating techniques available.

Worst part:
1) Grumpy teachers that just want to bitch and complain about bad the "nowadays" are, and how great the "goodolddays" were. Hey, if they were so great, how come they ended!?!?!?

2) Snoring roommate. which, by the way, Superman Steve berated me for even sharing a room. Steve: "APj, how do you ever expect to have sex if you have a roommate of the same sex in the room with you!?!?!?"

Best part:
1) cheese cake for desert.
2) Playing "trashcan" at Disneyland.

"What is trashcan?" I hear you asking. That's okay -- I didn't know either. My friend demonstrated it as such: Player pretends to run into trashcan, makes big noise, and acts embarrassed when everyone turns to stare at her. Approximately 2 minutes later, she does it again. Trust me, I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants. But I didn't....promise.

3) Bad teacher jokes, of which I'll post for your enjoyment:
One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story, Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the famer: "...and Chicken Little went up to the Famer and said, "the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" Suzie raissed her hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy shit! A talking bird!!!" ...the teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.


Hmmm -- reminds me of Paul's "Johnny" jokes.....

Reflections - and Happy Chinese New Year (late, I know)

Here is Corinne, a year after coming to live in Virginia.
Just thought I'd share my latest picture with you. Just got a Christmas card in the mail
--yes, I did say Christmas -- I'm not the only one in my family that suffers from procrastination!
--as I was saying,
a Christmas card in the mail from my sister and her family in Virginia. Of course, it included current pics of both my nieces and my nephew! But I just have to share the pic of Corinne. Some of you may remember that I went with my sister and her family last January to China to get Corinne. She has changed so much in the year - but her smile still melts my heart. I can't wait to see her this spring or summer.

Rumplestilskin

Whoa! Have I been asleep? Gone? Missing? Nope, 'fraid not -- just fighting with the evil insurance on how much they were going to give me for Kermit......
Jayne's favorite moment? Hmmm, that would have to be when the adjuster informed me that, "You need to stop talking."
EXCUUUUUSE ME?!?!?
Multiple threats, and weeks later, I end up getting $1500 more than they offered me.

(Rhetorical) Questions to idiot noted above:

1. Who needs to stop talking NOW?
2. Who's your Daddy NOW?

okay, okay. done gloating......now it's time to be silly. I found this on Paul's site
-- by the way, please, Paul - come to Fresno for the Rogue--
--and thought it was hilarious!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jayne!

1. You should always store jayne in an airtight container in the fridge.
2. Jayne cannot jump.
3. Louisa May Alcott, author of 'Little Jayne', hated jayne and only wrote the book at her publisher's request.
4. Jayne can sleep for three and a half years.
5. The difference between jayne and a village is that jayne does not have a church!
6. If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in jayne!
7. An average beaver can cut down jayne every year.
8. Jayneocracy is government by jayne!
9. Jayne can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time.
10. Jayne can not regurgitate!

okay, some are obviously false:
2. Jayne can, and has jumped -- from airplanes, hence: the airplane jayne. Duh.
3. Lousia was a bitch. she just wanted me in the wrong way.
4. I don't think I've slept a total of 3 1/2 years in my life. Sleeping is a waste of time - I'll do it when I'm dead.
6. whoa......hmm......willing to consider as an experiment.....

Reflecting upon the past year

Hmmm.... "Wot a year!"

Sure, sure, it ended with a bang, or a smash, or a smoosh. But that event has sure generated lots of conversation, emails, and blogs:
Lecram, of course, was the first to call: "Omigod, APj! Omigod! So, do you need the Roguemobile?"
SSM blogcommented, as usual, in a sonnet about, yes, Sandra Bullock.
Kien emailed that he was glad that I wasn't pancaked -- which sounded nasty and enticing all at the same time
Mustang blogged on my magnetic qualities -- he always looks to my good qualities
Lance made a connection - I'm just glad he didn't smash me with his airplane.
--hey, he's got a big plane......maybe I should reconsider.....
Lelly, my soulsister across the pond mourned my loss - but probably still won't share Daniel Craig with me.
Ms. Loo-Who called and told me she was glad I was alive, and took me dancing.
Jade Ed picked me up in the rain at the train station, AND took me to Lenny's --
err - I mean Denny's.

Wherever did I find such friends?

I'll tell ya: The Rogue.
Somehow I've found myself amongst this wonderful Roguish bunch.

I remember my friend, Superman Steve telling me that he had met this fella from Fresno, and this guy wanted him to come perform at the Rogue Festival in March 2005. "Cool! I've never heard of it, but we'll make a party of it!"
So because of Steve, I found myself at this wildly exciting Festival, meeting all these fun and talented people. How did I get in? Lecram insists that there was an interview, although I don't recall it....

All I know, is that somehow, someway, I've found myself "rogued."


Thanks to all!

Just glad I wasn't driving....

Kermit was definitely not a tree frog....