Shopping....

I’ve shopped alone for so long, that the thought of shopping with someone else is a bit intimidating….

When I go to the store alone – it’s just…ME. And it’s so easy to go shopping alone: I don’t have to put makeup on. I don’t have to hold my stomach in, or shave my legs. I can just…go to the store! And once there, I can go down any aisle I want: quick, slow – heck, I can even go down the same aisle three times, and who’s there to care? Ya’ know, I’ve even found myself at the store and changed my mind, deciding that I’d rather take a nap instead…

So imagine my surprise (momentary shock and terror) at finding myself at the store….in tandem:

“Oh crap!” I fret, “What is he doing? Oh…I think I know – I remember this! He’s pushing my cart! WhatdoIdowhatdoIdo? Should I pretend I don’t know he’s pushing the cart? Oh! Maybe I should I hold on to the cart—yes, that’s it! I’ll just place my hand next to his – then I’ll know what to d-

Whoa! What aisle is this!?!?!? Fruits and Vegetables? Nice….but I’m really not that crazy about

“Cantalopes!”

“What’s that?” he inquired, pausing the cart and perusing some melons.

“Nothing,” I reply, “I just forgot about the cantaloupes. Those are nice. I forgot how nice they are…”

After careful consideration, said fruit is placed carefully in the cart, and--

And we’re off again! The breakneck pace is exhilarating, even though I’m afraid I’m going to crash into the bread. Or the cookies. Gawd, I worry, what if I crush the cookie?

“Did you just say, ‘Cookies?’” he asked, “I love cookies.”

So…a few cookies later…

Oh heck, a few cookies and aisles later, I was riding in the basket – arms and feet dangling over the side, dazed and confused, but thoroughly enjoying the whirlwind swirling around me. I think I remember talking to a tall dwarf…or maybe it was a clown? Either way, he was very pleasant to talk to. We had a couple of conversations.

I had forgotten how much fun shopping with someone else was! I rediscovered parts of the store that I’ve avoided for a long time. Yes, yes, as usual, there were items I would have loved to have gotten at the store, things I meant to get and forgot (but got something else instead), and there were some aisles we didn’t go down. But, allinall, it was a fabulous excursion. I look forward to my next shopping trip.

MeMeMeMeMe

Stole this from Katie!!

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute. 1. Don't call me smooshie.... 2. I don't taste unnatural -- it's just the preservatives, damnit. 3. duh - of course I'm cute...

What Kind of Candy Are You?

You Are Apple Cider

Smooth and comforting. But downright nasty when cold. Smooth and comforting....sounds like cough medicine... but I like the nasty line... "Call me Ms. Nasty!"

What Part of Fall Are You?

You Are

A Robo Pumpkin Face You would make a good pumpkin cyborg. Great...another thing that takes batteries...

What's Your Pumpkin Face?

Your Monster Profile

Omega Warrior Omega? Does that mean I am the Final Fighter? Cool! You Feast On: Fingernails lies...lies....well, I USED to chew them....but I never swallowed them....on purpose.... You Lurk Around In: The Ocean you say tomato, I say tomahto you say lurking, I say lounging. You Especially Like to Torment: British People well...if he'd quit winking my turd I might stop torm-- aw, who'm I kidding!?!?!?!? He's just so-o-o-o much fun to torment. And I think he kinda likes it....

What's Your Monster Name?

Garou - You can leave your hat on (live)

okay....just feeling a little.....
"nah-nah-NAH-nah-NAH-nah-nah"

His voice just makes me wanna
::sigh::
go to the store for a hat-oh.
and strut around the rancho.

Throat Update

Dear Family, friends, bloggers and stalkers:
All is crazy here -- did I tell you news from the doctor? I can't remember, so I'll tell you again:
As some of you know, my throat has been bothering me again. I was afraid I had another tumor, so I finally sucked it up (courage, not the tumor), and went to see the specialist. Some of you may remember him as the only man I know who apologized for gagging me.
I have definite feelings for this man.
"I remember you," he greeted me, "you're funny."
Come her little boy and sit on my lap, I thought.
"You're not so bad yourself," I replied.
"Are you ready for this again?"
"I've thought of nothing else....all day."
With the grace of a gazelle-
-wait, that's kinda odd: a gazelle in a doctor's office -
With the grace of a gifted surgeon, Dr. F gently pulled my tongue out, inserted a long (size does matter) tube-mounted camera into my mouth
-and I gagged. Actually, he gagged me three times (show-off), but who's counting? But, as before, Dr. F was cordial and sweet, apologizing, wiping my chin and getting me a glass of water before proudly announcing, "It does not look like a tumor"
Wouldn't it have been great if he'd said it like Arnold?
But, long story (and the more boring part of the story) short: no surgery (yeah!), but loads of change: no coffee, no tea, no alcohol, no chocolate. seems the scar tissue is being attacked by the acids of Jayne. Geesh, sounds like an episode of Star Trek:
"Captain! the acids are eating away the outsides!"
"Spray, Scottie!"
"I'm an Engineer, not a Doctor!"
"Bones!"
You get the point..

So....to all who have enjoyed the raspy-voiced warrior known as APj - relax. That soft, raspy voice is here to stay.
But if you're drinking a mocha latte in front of me....I just may have to cut you down.

Le Interview from Lecram

5 Interview Questions from Lecram:
1. List 5 things guaranteed to perk you up. These things, qualities or actions ma or may not be at your disposal at the moment.
2. Through a mysterious lottery you have won "An Opportunity of a Lifetime of Your Choice!" What would you choose and why? there is no limit to what it will cost but money as in cold hard cash is also NOT a choice.
3. It is given that we all have painful episodes in our lives. these episodes are usually balanced with episodes of pure joy. If you were to pick a painful episode and choose a joyful one to create that balance, tell u s only about the joyful one.
4. Name the 3 top things you care deeply about and tell us why.
5. You have met George Clooney. He is impressed with you and gives you the task of creating a wild adventure that you will both go on. what is this 2 day adventure? Sex is not an option. (And don't give me that "rules schmules" shit on this one or you will never get another one of these from me again - morty).

Of course, I had to break a few rules -- that's just my style. But I don't have sex (which really isn't breaking a rule -- hell, that seems to BE my rule....), and I get Clooney....so here we go:


"Ms. Plain? Ms. Air? err--Ms. Airplanejayne? "
"Yes," I responded nervously, "that's me."
"Airplanejayne, seriously?"
"Yes...and not so seriously. See, I used to jump outta -- oh, nevermind--"
"Right," he replied briskly taking my hand, "are you ready?"
"Can one ever possibly be ready for space?'
My brusk guide stopped so abruptly that I almost ran into his back.
"Ms. Plain-"
"Ah, that's Airplan-"
"Whatever," He grabbed my arms and pulled me close. "Listen: Just because you won this opportunity in some mysterious lottery -- don't think it's all fun and games." I could feel the heat of his breath through clenched teeth, "you are going into space. If you aren't ready -- you could get hurt. You could hurt the entire team. You could all get hurt -- and remember: In space, no one can hear you scream."
As I burst out in laughter, his craggy face exploded into a grin, "Yeah. I thought you'd like that line."
"Morty," I chuckled, "you know I love movie lines! No matter how nervous I am, a well-placed movie quote will always perk me up."
"Okay, APj, glad ta' make yer day. Now, get on that shuttle and make us proud!"
Smiling, I walked eagerly up the gangplank.
"Mom! Mummy! Over here!"
Following the sound, I looked to the left -- and there she was: one of the best and top three things I care about: Erynn: Who loves me in spite of Me. I remember the day she was born -- I have never since been filled with such joy....although a particular weekend at Disneyland came close....
"Sweetiedarling!" I called to her, "Saffie! Baby! Mummy loves you! Even if I can't remember your name!"The crowd looked on in horrified shock as both Erynn and I dissolved into fits of laughter. Another one of those 'guaranteed to perk you up things,' I thought to myself. Erynn always joked that I had so many nicknames for her because I couldn't remember her name.

Reaching the shuttle door, last chance, I tell myself, if you're backing out, you're backing out now. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, tap my heels together and whisper, "There's no place like home. Please Lord, keep me safe. My eyes, my heart, and my will, as always, are in your hands. Amen."
The passageways are narrow -- I don't know if its the spacesuit or me -- but I definitely don't have a sexy swagger going on. If only I could have worn my Marc Jacobs red boots, I thought, that would definitely perk me -- and this outfit up. "Cause you know that it is--ta dah! --all about da shooze" I announce, striking a pose.
"Pardon me, jaynee" came a dusky voice behind me, "but your shooe is holding me captive."
An arm encircled me, keeping me from moving, "Not," he added, "that I'm complaining."
Blushing, I turn to see George.
"George," I stammered, "I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to start thi-"
"I said," he replied, tightening his grip and grinning, "I 'm not complaining. What an incredible adventure you've planned: a weekend in space!"
"Well," I recovered, "When I won that mysterious lottery, I thought you would be perfect--err, I mean, this would be perfect."
Taking my gloved hand, George led me to our seats. "You are perfect. And so will this weekend be." he said.
As the rockets fire underneath us, I realize that George is still holding my hand. Even through the layers of my orange pressurized suit, I swear I can feel heat from his hand. Damn! I cuss at myself, why did I want to bring him to space!?!?!? I can't even get him nekkid! I turn to look at him, and find myself lost in his brown eyes.
"Jaynee"
"Yes?" I gulp, feeling my heart pounding, competing with the rocket blasts from beneath.
"If I didn't have this suit on --" his hand casually caresses my thigh.
"George," I holler over the engines full roar, "Hold that thought for a few days....but in the meantime -- would you mind.....pulling my hair and humming a bit?"

My Year (so far) in review

Okay....while I am at the store working on my interview from Lecram, here is something I started in August. I don't remember who I stole it from.....

JANUARY

1. Who kissed you on New Years?
Rio. (My horse) I actually would really love to kiss a human this coming New Years...

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
Same two that I've had for the past few years....I keep thinking that "maybe THIS year..."

3. Does it snow where you live?
Nope. And it is one of the things I miss about living in Nebraska!

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Hot chocolate. Cold chocolate. Liquid chocolate. Hard chocolate. Can't say as I've ever had bad chocolate...

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
NO, but I would love to be there! Yeah, yeah, I know it's cold and crowded-but it's on my list.

FEBRUARY

1. Who was your Valentine?

Does it count that I spent Valentine birthday with someone on Valentines Day? Yes? Okay, so my ValentineBirthdayValentine was none other than kien: dinner, stroll, movie, stroll, coffee. Probably a stroll after coffee too.....we tend to do a lot of strolling...

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
YES. And I agonized for hours over which ones to give to whom. "Will he think I 'like' him?" "Eww, I better just give him the 'friend' one."

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
As long as I don't see some scary shadow creeping up on me, what do I care if some little hog sees his shadow or not?!?!?

MARCH

1. Are you Irish?
Aye, darhling- I've a bit o da green in me. And I named my daughter Erynn, ya' kno'.

2. Do you wear green every Year on St. Patricks day?
Yup - through and through.

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2007?
Ummmm....I think it was right after Rogue.....so I was recuperating.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
Yes--but I'm happy when he arrives again in November.

5. Something special in march?
DUH!!!!! The Rogue Festival!

APRIL

1. Do you like the rain?
I love the smell of rain.

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
Not this year. But I am planning a great one for next year: I'm gonna steal a classroom from a teacher!

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
Naw--I just eat Erynn's candy.

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
April 20th? It's a holiday? for what? late taxes?


MAY

1. What is your favorite flower?
Sterling Silver roses. (They are lavender and smell wonderful).

3. Finish the phrase "April showers"....
bring Jayne flowers. Please. No, really, PLEASE BRING ME FLOWERS!!!!!

4. Do you celebrate May16th: National Piercing Day?
Geez. There's a fricking piercing day!?!?!?!? WTF.....

5. Is May anything special to you?
"May I kiss you" sounds pretty special....

JUNE

1. What year do you graduate?
I graduated from college in 2002. That makes me sound so young!!! So much better than telling you I graduated from high school in 1978. Crap, did I just say that with my outside voice?

2. Did you do anything fun during this month?
Nope -- because I taught Summer School. But ask me about July! or August!

3. Have a favorite baseball team?
They're all cute in their uniforms.

JULY

1. What did you do on the Fourth of July?
Blew shit up!!!!

2. Did you go on any vacations in this month?
Went to Nebraska to see my folks.

3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
110 degrees. What do YOU think!?!?

AUGUST

1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer?
Went to Camp Surf. Learned to surf the waves in a kayak.

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '07?
see August #1.

3. Did you have a sunburn?
No. SPF40. I am lillywhite. I do not tan well. I will be a hot babolecious 90year old with fabulous skin.

SEPTEMBER

1. Did you attend college/school?
I am, once again, teaching 7th grade.

2. Who was/is your favorite teacher?

I am my favorite teacher!!!! But I would put Miss Whitaker(4th grade), Mrs. McCabe (7th grade), and Mrs Beall (10th grade) on the list.

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
I'd rather fly than fall. Falling hurts like a bon of a stitch.

OCTOBER

1. What was your last Halloween costume?
Dorothy, of Oz/Kansas. But it was kinda stripper Dorothy....

2. What is your favorite candy?
M&M's, Peach Rings (thanks nic and kien), jelly beans.

3. Whose birthday is this month?
My brother, Jeff.

NOVEMBER

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
My friend Donna's house.

2. What's best about this month?
My birthday: November 5th!!

3. What are you thankful for?
everything

4. Do you love stuffing?
depends on the stuff-ee

DECEMBER

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
OH- YEAH! Lights, check. Mouse tree, check. Oz tree, check. On the "wish list": dishes, towels and a shower curtain.

2. What is December 1st, 2007?
THE 15-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE RELEASE OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S "THRILLER"

3. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Yup. and I am looking forward to it again.

4. Get anything special last year?
nope. nope. nope.

5. What do you want this year?
see #3 above. oh...and see #4. I do NOT want a repeat of #4....

6. Do you like cold weather?
LOVE IT

7. Have you ever licked a frosted pole and got stuck?
I refuth to anthwer thith quethion on the groundth that it might incriminate me....

sex bomb

yes, yes....this is just what I needed to make me smile today...

26...

I have a good friend who does a "grateful" list. He starts with the letter "A" and goes through the alphabet. I love this idea -- but I've enough lists in my life.....so....without further ado....here is my interpretation (thank you, kien).

I am grateful for.....

All my friends
Because even when I’m acting
Crazy, they seem willing to
Do whatever is needed to
Ensure my wellbeing.

For an infinite
God that reveals
Himself to the finite me in a way that
I can understand, even though He knows
Jayne will constantly question.

Knowing that being alone is not always
Lonely. And that
Meaningful relationships are a
Necessity
Of Life.

Promises kept
Queries answered, illusions maintained,

Revealed or
Shattered.

Truth and honesty, so often
Unusual and uncommon, becoming
Visible to the naked
World.
Xciting?
Yes. Thank you, Lord, a
Zillion times, Amen

Feeling a little green...

Vocal chords are a bust (again)--so I am being silent (again, as much as possible).

But who better than Kermie to turn my greens into lovely colors?

"I've heard it too many times to ignore it,
there's something that I'm s'pose to be..."

I. Still. Love. This. Song.

Happily Insane

I received this in an email.....and can't help but add my comments(purple), and pass it on..

Subject: How to Keep a Healthy Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.this would be fun to do from a motorcycle. Kowboi? Do ya' still have one?

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that....err....I have actually done this one.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'. When I worked in an office, I put referred to the garbage can as "The Round File." When the boss asked for something that I couldn't find, I would say, "It must be in the Round File." I don't know if he ever caught on...

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'. I once wrote,"For really great sex!" I was sure I would hear from the bank or I.R.S.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. Eddie Izzard said (and I agree) that wars would be almost impossible if we required soldiers to skip instead of march...

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. Hey! They asked me once if it was for here or to go. I said,"Here, of course!"

12. Sing Along At The Opera. Yeah, right. Like I know Italian.....I usually launch into the chorus of "The Lonely Goatherd."

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. I'd rather use my Superhero name: Flame Glider or Wind Pirate.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' At the atm down from Starline I screamed, "Jackpot!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' heheheheheheh.....

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' I only have one....and she doesn't believe me when I tell her that I'm going to adopt Romanian babies. But my mom had a good one: when we used to threaten to run away she would respond, "Don't bother. I'll go."

Gotta love my Mom,eh?

:)

Sometimes Carma just bites....

bad,bad, kfarmer...... I thought we were friends.....buds......that you would do this to me-- "Do what, APj?" Yes,yes, I can hear that sweet,blonde,southern drawl --all sugary and syrupy.... But....I KNOW it was you...

YOU put Murphy on a plane:

3:10 PM
You'd think that as often as he stays, I'd have heard the snicker from the peanut gallery at the back of my classroom Friday afternoon. "I've got to go!" I inform my computer, which was refusing to power down without updating. "I'm driving to S.F. to see Superman Steve's show."

3:30 PM
I rose triumphantly as the computer finally went to sleep,but somehow, Murphy got into the phone lines.
::ring! ring!::
"This is Ms.Day"
"This is Mr. Bebopaloo Lou, you have my son Bebop Jr. in your class....."
Suffice to say, that Bebop Sr. did not believe that Bebop Jr. (and Murphy,of course) was anything other than angelic in class.

3:45 PM
I make a mad dash to the car, and inform Steve that I am on my way. Steve informs me that Murphy has shot down his attempted manipulations of matchmaking. Starting to suspect that Murphy is loitering somewhere, I peel out of the parking lot, northbound!

4:20 PM
somewhere south of Merced
"Okay, if traffic stays like this, I should be okay. It'll be close, but I'll be okay," I reassure the steering wheel, "Ha! Murphy thought he could--"

::note to audience and self: Never directly challenge Murphy. It pisses him off. Kinda like saying, "Candyman" three times in the dark to the bathroom mirror::

"Shit!" I scream and swerve at the same time. "WTF!?!?!? Looks like someone lost a toolbox on the freeway. Yeah, yeah, NOW we all slow down...." So we putz along for a bit....I call Steve and tell him about the slowdown--but STILL feeling okay.....until.....

4:23 PM(ish)
thumpthump.....thumpthump....
shit.
flatfuckingtireomigawdwhatthefuckdoIdonowshitdamn
Ifuckingdontbelievemyfuckingluckwhatisnextadamntree!?!?

4:30 PM
I call Steve to let him know the score:
APj:zero Murphy: Ten

4:45 PM
Tire off,spare on. Kinda like wax on, wax off. Only a whole lot more elbow grease, Mr.Miasayki.
4:50 PM
Lugs all tight, putting tire with bigass nail in the trunk.
"Hey miss?" offers a businesslookingman from his airconditioned Lexus, "can I call someone for you?"

"Nope. Done. But can you give my friend Murphy a ride? He's going west. Due west"

Steve, sorry I didn't make the show. But I'm sure Murphy would have blown something.....really...

Thanks, Joy, for letting me know how/where to find out
What type of Fae are you?

Okay.....I am SO-O-O-O okay with being called a Nymph that I will overlook any insinuations of my manipulative
hey-did you ever notice that "man" is in that word?
--manipulative side.

and geez....tie ONE guy up ONE time and ya' get saddled
(heh-heh, that's a nice picture)
with that whole "possessive" handle...

A Very Difficult Day

I teach Language Arts, 7th grade.

I always love my job....but some days are tougher than others.

Many of my kids come from a pretty rough background -- often, our school, my classroom, is their "safe" spot. I know this. But some days I'm socked in the jaw with it.

This is how one of my students spent her weekend: crawling out a bedroom window and frantically dialing 9-1-1. Mom had been afraid that something like this was going to happen. She had her brother come stay with them because she was afraid. She had gotten a restraining order because-- yes, she was afraid.
My student will not be coming back to my class, because the only family left does not live in Fresno. She and her siblings are without a mom and an uncle.

Dear God,
Sometimes I forget how difficult and scary many of my kids have it--until something like this happens. Theirs' can be a hard, brutal world. Please hold them close in your hand.
Amen

Hot Handyman Needed!

See, I've yet to find a fix-it project that I won't at least try to tackle: build horse stall. check. Install metal roofing on said stall. check. Chop down trees. check. Fix sprinklers. check. Install ceiling fan. check. Install new light fixtures. double check. So it shoulda been no big deal to re-wire three outlet plugs, a switch, and a light fixture in my spare bedroom, right?
Ha. A week and a half later, and I still couldn't figure out why all the plugs and the light worked in the bedroom, but the bathroom was dark, and the microwave was asleep. WHO THE FRICK DID THE WIRING ON THIS PLACE!?!?!?!? So....I had to bite the bullet (does not taste like chicken), and call a professional:
"Jim!"
"Jayne"
"Jim! I need you! A wire has gone askew, and I don't know what to do"
"I'll be there in the morning...."

Easy fix- wire not in far enough......
'nuff said.....

Jim made the suggestion that I give up on looking for a cabana boy, and find me a hot studly carpenter. I found one:




Carter, from the TV show,"Trading Spaces."

I don't think there would be any wire problems there.....

"Ya' gotta have a passion for what you do"

The pic's are from one of my favorite jumps with Sean. That is APj in the red helmet and Sean was on my right.

"No matter what your passion is...."
This is a motto that is near and dear to my heart. I want to share a story about a friend of mine that lives by this creed.


I remember how much he loved flying planes-even way back then. We thought he was nuts -- and we jumped outta planes! Almost every week, we got a private airshow when he left the drop zone: low buzz jobs, hammerhead stalls, and some other moves I don't remember the names of.

"How did a stunt pilot end up skydiving?" you ask. Interesting story. As I remember it, (mild disclaimer if necessary for legal reasons or otherwise), it went something like this: Sean wanted to fly his plane at an airshow. The airshow organizer had some other stunt pilot lined up: a guy that could do "x" (I don't remember the exact number) of flat spins. Sean's response was that he could do "x+1." At some point,while attempting to do this never-done-before-number of flat spins, Sean had to exit his plane.

Yes.....exit his plane, as in, oops, and use his emergency parachute (something he had never done before). After his safe landing on Mother Earth (although his plane did not have a happy landing), Sean journeyed to visit the packer of his parachute, Ray Ferrell. Ray, who could sell water to a fish or sand to a camel, convinced Sean to come skydive for fun....

The outdoor channel is doing a special on Sean, his team, Team Oracle, and a dream plane. Watch it if you can. This is a man who continues to have a passion for everything he does.

300 - Its raining men. Amen.

I'm gonna go out.
I'm gonna let myself get:
Absolutely soaking wet...

Yeah,yeah, total eye candy....
So....can anyone point me in the direction of Sparta?

Alas, poor toy, I knew thee well....

Dear Toys R Us,

I am so sorry to be returning my Oh-Baby-Baby-Youscream/Iscream, deluxe remote control version. I know it it not your policy to refund any money, but I am hoping you will make an exception. You see, my mojo has been....slow-mo'd.

My friends, Superman Steve sent me a link to a chap he thought I would be interested in. "You have so much in common: divorce, going back to school as an adult, religion, cowboy hats...." Being a little leary, err, leery of the whole internet dating thing, I went and looked.

And almost immediately the Youscream function malfunctioned. Or perhaps I just couldn't hear it over my own cries for help..... (OMG, but WTF is that tattoo on his very pale-white-dark-hairy-chest!?!?!?!)

After composing myself, I informed Superman Steve that this match was less then satisfactory, and requested a new match. One that wasn't quite so pale.....so complacent.....so talkative. "Never fear," reassured Steve. Within days, he had another match for me. "And," he enthused, "this time you have a choice! There are four to pick from!"

Sadly, even the Iscream function no longer works....

I hope you will reconsider your refund policy on this occassion.

Sincerely,
the no-longer-screaming
AirplaneJayne

p.s. If any of your employees would like to replace Superman Steve as my dating guru, a position is available.

I've got friends.....

A few weeks ago, my friend Lore and her kids came and spent a weekend with me. A late evening ended with this stroll down skydiving memory lane....

When Claire and I started skydiving, there were not many women skydivers. In fact, after we started, the female population on the drop zone tripled. To three: myself, Claire, and Lore. Yup, Alaska may be the place to move to find single men, but the drop zone was a whole lot closer! Lore, with over 200 skydives at the time, was a Sky Goddess. She drove a cute little Fiat with personalized plates (Im Lore), had a killer smile, danced like a fiend, and skydived like a bird. If she wasn't so nice, you'd almost have to hate her.
But I didn't. And I couldn't. In fact, my surviving "THE ACCIDENT" is in large part due to her resilience:
She came to see me after the surgery. I remember talking to her, and having difficulty breathing - it was as if I had run a race. Like I somehow couldn't get enough air in my lungs. I kept dozing off, which I blamed on the anesthetic wearing off. Lore left during one of these naps. She says that something seemed wrong--she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she stopped at the nurses station, voiced her concern and asked them to check on me. They assured her that it was only the effects of the anesthetic, and that the Doctor would be making rounds in an hour or so. Lore headed for the elevators.
And stopped.
Returned to the nurses station, and insisted that someone go and check on her friend right then. Pretty gutsy for a 21-year old, eh?
With much attitude, a nurse came to check on me.
I remember she cussed when she saw me, hit the call button, and all hell broke loose.
I had developed a pulmonary embolism-- the gunky stuff in the middle of my femur had migrated to my lungs, filling my lungs with goober and fluids -- which all really wanted to have a party in my heart. Good party, but deadly.

Ya' know those cool Doctor shows on TV? Where the patient is wheeled down a hallway and you see the fluorescent lights flash by on the ceiling? The ones where some handsome doctor says, "We've got to intubate her!" and he does it easily to the unconscious patient?
Well, 2 out of 4......yes to lights and handsome. But it was three trips down the throat of a totally conscious and terrified Airplane Jayne.
Blah, blah, blah, if you want to know more about that story, go here -- but my point is, thank God Lore stood up to the staff. The other night, she was remembering how she felt that they felt she was wasting their time -- and she almost felt the same.

Thank you, Lore. I still say, "You saved my life."

This Da Count is for friends who stand up for you, even when others disagree.

Garou - Belle (live, in 3 languages!)

This is a song from the musical "Notre-Dame de Paris." The lyrics and his voice just about melt me.

APj has gone to the movies...and the store

Most of you know that I love to go to the movies. Some of you have had the pleasure (I think) of going to the movies with me....and a rare few of you know the best deal at the snack bar...

In addition to the Wizard of Oz (best alltime choice), some of my faves are:
The Dark Crystal


One of the first video's that Erynn saw. I think she was only 3-4 yrs old the first time (I know, I know, "Bad Mommy") -and she strode around the house making Mystic and Skekzie sounds.

Labrinyth

Let's all agree that David Bowie is hot. Even in those tight 80's tights....sorry, I've gone to the store....

The Princess Bride

"As you wish." Men should all adopt this line. It will get you so much further.

Stardust

I just went to see this tonight. Those of you who are mad at me because you wanted to go with me: never fear. I will go again. and again. This is a fabulous movie. Makes me in love with the movies all over again.

Tagged by Mintz!

Okay -Mintzy tagged me....(of course from behind....that's his M.O.) Here's the question:

Topic: Have you ever thought someone was cute that, um, say, didn't deserve to be thought of as such. Like serial-killers, or rapists, or bad people?

Okay- I don't think I've ever seen a hot serial-killer or rapist.....so we'll have to move on to bad. many categories of bad....

BAD MANNERS
1. Dennis Leary. Yup-That Dennis Leary. I know, I know- I don't know what it is....but there's just something about him: the crooked nose? the beady eyes? the smoking? the condescendingness? All things I dislike.....but put 'em all together and BAM! Come and pull my hair, Dennis Leary!






BAD PLANNERS
2. The jerk who backed out of taking me to the Homecoming Dance my senior year at THIS school. Yup! And even after that...I had the HUGEST crush--so much so that I went out on a date with him my freshman year of college.

BAD TANNERS
3. Okay....I don't know that he doesn't tan well, but he's Irish.....and smokes......and cusses worse than drunk jayne......but one look into those Irish Eyes and I'll give you one guess who'll be smilin' all day...

Songs about Jane....

Some friends in college once made a mix tape for me of "Jane" songs. I wish this had been out when I was in college.....but I think it's lovely.

Got any other Jane songs I may not have heard?

The Ghost and APj

We moved into the Weise House in 1974. It's funny, my folks have lived there for more than 30 years, longer than all (except one) in the neighborhood, and it is still called the Weise House. It was built sometime between WWI and WWII, relatively new, compared to some of the houses nearby. I remember feeling strange spots in the house almost immediately upon moving in. My mother thought I was just being sulky- as I hadn't wanted to move from California to Nebraska. When asked to explain it, all I could come up with was that it felt like someone was watching me. Like, if I turned around quick enough, I would catch whomever it was. I often found things (keys, change, books) in places that I knew I had not left them, but was always told that I just must have forgotten putting them there. Over time, anything not found was blamed on "Jayne's ghost."

I moved back to California in 1980. Funny how my vindication came only after I left....
My older brother John had slept in the moon room for years (yes, yes, a post will come soon about my mothers penchant for naming the rooms), but had abandoned the room in favor of a room in the basement after a nightmare. None of us has ever been told what the dream was about-- but we all heard him yell.... Jason, who up until this point had slept in the cubbyhole, lept at the opportunity for a "real room."
And the sightings began...
During the early summer of 1985 (a decade after we had moved in), Jason was talking to his girlfriend on the phone. "I saw something moving...out of the corner of my eye," Jason explained, "I thought it was Mom, so I just kept talking to Nickki. Suddenly, something grabbed my arm. I looked up -- and there was nothing....but something there! I screamed, threw the phone at the nothing, and bolted from the room." Jason refused to sleep in the room, and moved back into the cubbyhole. To this day, he refers to the Moon Room as the Ghost's Room, and will not go in alone.

In August of 1985, I sent my father a balloon-a-gram for his birthday. As many of you know, the latex ones begin to droop and drag by the second day, and the mylar ones keep floating. Such was the case, and so my mother had set the bunch next to the piano in the living room. As they were sitting on the couch one evening, the balloons began to move towards the dining room. "It's probably the air current" Dad assured Mom. "Let's follow it" challenged Mom(she is so-o-o brave and fearless!). Hardy Boy and Nancy Drew followed the balloons as they made their way through the dining room, into the kitchen, made a 60 degree turn into and through the "S" shaped hallway, and then proceeded up the stairs to the second floor. At the top of the stairs, the balloons made a 90degree left into my parents room, followed by a 90degree right turn into the football room (yes,yes more named rooms). The balloons floated up, and then sat on Dad's football chair. "I don't think it's air currents," concluded Hardy Boy. "Don't tell Jason,"admonished Nancy Drew.

The following spring found Jayne and baby Erynn visiting Nebraska. Erynn and I were sleeping one night when I felt the covers go taut. Thinking it was the family cat (aptly named, Spooky), I reached back to pet her. There was something there, resting against my legs.....but it wasn't Spooky....even though it was scary! "Please go away," I whispered, "I don't want to wake Erynn." The ghost left.

My mother thought the ghost had left for good, but I knew he was still around.

He didn't show himself again until about six years ago: I was watching T.V. in the den. Erynn was spending the night at the neighbors house, and Mom had gone up to take a bath. I was tired, so I decided to go up to bed. Turning the lights out in the den, I headed towards the staircase, turning the lights off in the living room as I started up the stairs. Suddenly, the light in the kitchen went on. "Hmmm..." I thought, "Mom must have come down." I turned back and went to the kitchen. Which was empty. "Strange," I thought, "I'm sure the light was of-" The light in the living room was on. Switching off the light in the kitchen, I sprinted to the living room, hoping to catch my playful mom, but the living room was empty too. Switching the light off, turning towards the stairs, I saw that the den light was on again. "Goodnight, ghost," I called, "I'm happy to see you, but I'm done playing for the night." I went up the stairs. Quickly, and looking straight forward, I headed to my bed. And turned the nightlight on....just in case.

Oh.....just in case you're wondering.......Mom was still upstairs in the tub.....

I always have the nightlight on........

My Favorite color is also the color of my soul....

What color is your soul painted? Purple Your soul is painted the color purple, which embodies the characteristics of sensuality, spirituality, creativity, wealth, royalty, nobility, mystery, enlightenment, arrogance, gaudiness, mourning, confusion, pride, delicacy, power, meditation, religion, and ambition. Purple falls under the element of Earth, and was once a European symbol of royalty; today it symbolizes the divine. Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests I swear I didn't tamper with the results on this one!

GO BIG RED!

I am back from my trip "home." Dad was better than I had expected -- which was a blessing. He will not get better -- this I know. I am happy that he was well enough to go out for lunch....and to sit and joke and talk.

But I want to share Lincoln with you. Too many people assume too much about the midwest. And we all know what ASSUME-ing makes of you and me...

Upon arriving in Lincoln, one of the first sites you'll drive by is the University of Nebraska's football stadium. Although it may not look impressive on the outside, the stadium holds more than 85,000 screaming Big Red fans--making it the third largest city in Nebraska on any given HomeGame saturday.

One of my favorite aspects of Lincoln is the preponderance of parks! The city has more than 99 miles of trails and 114 parks (covering 5000+acres!) There seems to be a park within a walking distance or stones throw from most neighborhoods. Here is one that is a short stroll from my house.

Ahhhh!!!! You want to see the house of APJ? Wait no futher -- here you go. This two-story Colonial Brick house was built sometime around WWI. Even though it is young in age -- it does have a ghost. The ghost resides in the Moon Room(upper right window), APJ's bedroom was the lower right window. Ghost did have contact with three of the six children - me being one of them.

But that's a story for another day.

Come -- folllow me to the Kitty Walk. I think it was called the "Kid's walk" because it was the path for children through the park on the way to the elementary school. "Kid's Walk" became "Kiddie Walk" which became the"kitty Walk." These imprints have been there since I was in high school!

But I want to show you two of my favorite things down in the park.....hurry!

First - here is the memorial marker for my Aunt Jane. She was a teacher (hmmm) at the elementary school nearby. The marker sits in front of this memorial tree. That vast sidewalk you see is all that remains of the railroad track that used to run through town. It now is one of the longest stretches of bike path in any major city.

In fact, bikes play an interesting and integral role in the city. In 2003, the a public art project was undertaken with amazing results. Here are a few of my faves, but please go and look at the other 69 bikes created.

I hope you enjoyed my quick trip to Lincoln Nebraska......home to so much more than corn.....

Life on Pause

Leaving today for Nebraska -- to see the folks. Dad's health is the same---and will not get better. And so, I go home as often as possible -- and say goodbye each time I am there. I used to spend my holidays "home" catching up and visiting with old friends. Now, I don't want to spend those minutes away from my family.

Of course, my folks have no internet, or ::shock:: computer. So I will take my trusty PC Tablet down to the schoolyard and steal their signal.

Luv you all-- and thanks for all the patience with my wobblies(yes, I'm talking to YOU. YOU know who YOU are). I know I'll be more of myself when I return.

Paolo Nutini

okay--gotta share one of my new faves. Only nineteen years old......

Space....the final frontier....

Sorry, sorry....been a bit distracted as of late. Brain is fuzzy, more so than usual. So.....I've decided to get some spring cleaning done. Yes, I know: IT'S JULY!!!!! But cor, it's gotta be spring somewheres, yea?

Erynn vacated her room four years ago when she left for college-- and removed her furniture two years later. I decided to convert that space to my office -- as it is ever-so-slightly larger than the other room.

And yes, it took me two years ::gasp:: to totally finish it all. I left the walls the color it had been(canary yellow) because her artwork looked smashing against. Course.....she's taken most of her work south with her....

But anyways -- I put in the floor myself-- supposed to look like slate. I like it because it doesn't show the dirt.

I wired the light too! One of the things I learned from Voldemort: Green is ground, white is neutral, and other colors are hot. Or is it white is hot and green is cold? Whatevah --I just know to GO TURN THE BREAKER OFF before starting to match the little wires to each other with the little barrett cap thingys. Please don't be scared -- as many things as I've wired in this house, I must be doing it correctly....

But here my pride and joy: My craft armoire. Built by me -- from a kit, of course. Still -- it took me 6 hours to assemble, much of that time sorting the bolts, and screws, and nuts..

--sorry, sent myself to the store--

and Voila! It is done! Now I can put my sewing machine, scrapbook stuff, and other crafty things into it (and out of kitchen cabinets and bedroom drawers)and close it up when necessary.

I have now moved onto cleaning my closet. I was trapped in the closet earlier this evening, buried, groped and attacked by the hangers that were breeding on the floor. (You do know that that is how there ends up being so many on the floor, right? Hanger sex!). Yup, trapped in the closet can make you a little bit crazy.....just ask Tom Cruise.

::rim shot::

Thank you.....and goodnight!

HELP! HELP!

no....I haven't fallen.....and yes I can get up. But, I still need some assistance. Seems I've been telling all that I'm gonna do a show at the Rogue.....so do I must.

But what am I gonna do!?!?!?!?!? Can't seem to convince either Steve or Marcel to write me something fab -- both seem to think I've got my own story to tell.

Actually, Marcel has a great idea for me -- but I think it'll have to wait till the following year -- more on that later.

So, I've gone back over my blog, found some of my favorite stories -- okay, fine, quite a few of my stories! Please go over HERE and read some of them, and let me know which ones YOU like. Then I may be able to weave them into some sense of a show worthy of the Rogue.....

For Erynn

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Princess Erynn. She lived in a castle with the Queen Mommy and the King Daddy. And her best friend was a baby dragon.

From the time she was almost three, all the way up until she was seven or so,this is how her favorite bedtime stories started. Princess Erynn and the baby dragon --who never aged, and often resembled Emily the Dinosaur (with wings, of course), had some great adventures. Of course, the storyteller would weave in messages, morals, ethics and love (loads of love) whenever/wherever she could. When Erynn suffered nightmares, Princess Erynn showed the baby dragon how bad dreams could be beat. Friends made Erynn cry? No problem: Baby dragon taught Princess Erynn how to forgive. The Queen Mommy battled an evil Warlock that kidnapped the fair Princess, and the King Daddy bravely faced a hundred snakes (Voldemorts' biggest fear) to bring Princess Erynn and the baby dragon home when they ran away.

Often, when she would have friends spend the night -- Erynn would make me work them into the story too. Princess Erynn, Duchess Taryn and the beautiful Lady Brandy rode unicorns and rescued forest creatures from the red bull (yes, yes, I stole part of that one from The Last Unicorn. What can I say? I was tired that night!).

"The castle is too cold. Too cold and silent! I must get out!" the Queen Mommy said aloud as she made her rounds. Evenings were still the best time for her -- She could walk the Keep, and not worry about the whisperings and sideways glances of the nobles and peasants. Nerves and concerns diminished with each deep breath of the cool country air. "How could I ever possibly leave?" she asked the trees. "Just over there is where Princess Erynn found the lost ponies. And you," she challenged the mulberry, "do you remember the hours she and the baby dragon spent in your boughs? Ah, the orchard: depending on the season, you were either a haunted forest, a winter wonderland, or an Easter eggstravaganza!"

A smile touched the corners of the Queen Mommy's lips as she went into the castle. She drew her wrap tighter around her shoulders, and curled up next to the fire. As she dozed off, she heard a familiar voice.
"Mummy I love you."
"I love you too."
"Mummy, I love you three."
"Sweetie, I love you four."
"But Mummy, I love you more. Please tell me a story. Please Mummy, please?"

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Princess Erynn. She lived in a castle with the Queen Mommy and the Queen Daddy. And her best friend was a... a baby dragon...."

Lecram: FAB-U-LOUS!!!!

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THE APj PREAKNESS

So.... I own three horses: Rio, Lady and Bunny. I don't ride much anymore. Mostly because I get bored riding around in circles on my propery, and I don't like riding alone. Ya know, like most things, doing it "alone" can get kinda dull...

Those of you who have been out to the ranch can attest to their sweet nature.

Rio is a thoroughbred, and a retired racehorse. Even though he is 23 years old, he still thinks of himself as Secretariat. Bunny and Lady are quarter-horses. Quarter horses are called that because they are known for their speed in the quarter-mile.

Here's one of my favorite stories:

"Hey, ya' wanna race?" Voldemort challenged, as he zoomed by on Lady.

"No," I retorted, holding Rio back, "You know I'm trying to calm him down! Why do you always do that?"

"Chicken!" he answered, "You just are afraid you'll lose."

Competition was always a large part of our relationship....hey, with two Scorpios, what else would you expect? But I had spent two years working with Rio - trying to calm him down. He did love to run, though. Often, at the end of a ride, I would "let him go" in the 100 acre field behind us. Rio and I would just run - racing the wind.

But Voldemort was itching for a real race. He would come up next to us, taunting and teasing.

"Did you know that quarterhorses are faster than thoroughbreds?"

"You're just afraid she'll beat you, huh?"

Rio and I finally had enough. We were ready to put them in their place.

"Fine!" I replied, "we accept your challenge!"

The race was planned - and the course was laid and checked: the soft dirt track was bounded by the road on the east, and the grape field to the west. A quarter mile exactly in length. Since we didn't have a starting gate (this being the Madera Ranchos and not the Kentucky Derby), neighbors were enlisted to be the official start and finish lines.

"GO!"

And they're off! Oh! Bad start for APj riding Rio (formally known as Rialto Park). He seemed a little bothered by the starting flag. That meant a good start for Voldemort, riding Just My Lady. But wait -- what's this? Barely four strides and Rio is catching -- pardon, make that passing -- holy cow?!?!?!? How fast is he!!!!!!! Crimenently! With not even a third of the course run, it looks like APj is breaking the sound barrier and leaving a stunned Voldemort and Lady in the dust.!"

Yup. That's right. Eat my dust, fothermucker. Eat my dust.

Horrorscope for APj

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 PST

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
A current relationship dilemma stems from how passionate you feel now. You want to share your emotions, but someone else prefers it when you hang out in the shallow end of the pool instead of diving into the deep water. You can get what you need by consciously talking about the most important things. Go where you must, but be gentle in your approach with others.

I know, I know!

"Those horoscope things are just silly"

"They're not real - they're just a scam."

blah-blah-blah.

then it goes and talks about me being comfortable in the shallow end!!!!

Hel-LO!?!?!? Who went and told 'em about that!?!?!?

Nightmares already!?!?!?!?

My dreams are exhausting.....
I'm either stuck in some deja-vu Lady with the Flashlight eyes saga or I'm searching for a potty.

But last nights was a doozie -- still trying to figure it out:

It's Thursday night -- It must the the first weekend in March -- 'cause I'm driving to Diana's South to deliver their money box.

Only....Diana's South is south of the border. as in Mexico.

Omigawd, I sent Katie to deliver Diana's North....where the frick is that now!?!?!?!?

So I'm driving at warp speed, cause I've got to be back to teach on Friday morning --

going over my schedule -- when I suddenly remember that I'm doing a show in the Rogue. (Crap! I knew I was forgetting something) I pull over to the side of the road just south of San Diego to check the Rogue Map -- and discover that my cafe show (the one I forgot to write) has been changed to a Mainstage show at.....wait for it......Diana's South.

Maybe this means I shouldn't do a show?

LADY JAYNE!

Right. Sorry. Been busy -- what with Erynn's graduation from college (woo-hoo), end of school year for me (bigger woo-hoo), yard work, et al....I've been slacking. and it is time to cease the slackage! After all, there is no time for slackage when you are known as:



My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Exalted Highness Duchess Apj the Mad of Bumswick by the Hole
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

err....not so sure I like this one....don't get me wrong: I like the exalted highness and all, but the references to being "mad" and having a wick up me bum ain't so appealing.....

Perhaps.....

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Viscountess Apj the Nimble of Westessexchestershire
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

being a countess (vis or otherwise) is good. Would love to be nimble enough for west (or east) sex.....but Chester!?!?!? puh-leaz.....


My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Venerable Lady Apj the Bloody of Leg over Wallop
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Hey....I'll put me bloody leg over, wallop or no wallop!

And after a leg over....wallop or no.....I'm looking for dessert. And....what better dessert than...

My Fortune Cookie told me: Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

So....I think this means if you live in a gooey crack, don't throw shit....or something like that.....