Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Throat drama, part deux

Okay, so here's the latest adventures of "Chords de Vocalle de AirplaneJayne."

Friday found Jayne in the office of a very nice (but very married...darn!) Doctor F. Doctor F explained that he was going to rest an instrument called a videostrobe on my tongue. This instrument had a little camera that would peek over my tongue, and shoot pictures of my vocal chords. This entire event should take no longer than 15 seconds -- as long as I didn't gag......

"Oh Great!' I thought. "As long as I don't gag? How can I tell this very handsome (but very married...) doc that just thinking about gagging makes me gag?"
"Okay, Doc." I respond jovially, "I'll do my best."
So without much ado—

--great play at Woodward Park, by the way—

--Again, without further ado, cute Doctor F inserts his instrument into my mouth, and yes-- I gag.
“Sorry,” says the handsome (but married) Doctor F “My fault.”

Fantastic! Finally a man who’ll admit that it’s his fault when I gag!!!!
But (again), darn! He’s already married!

So, with much grace and at a slower pace, Doctor F. rests the instrument on my tongue, and tells me to say the letter “E” without stopping--

--Hey, I ain’t gagging, so if the letter “E” makes him happy, fine with me.


About 8 seconds later (which is all that’s necessary for a bull ride, thank you very much), cute (but married) Doc F is done. I think I need to repeat that: In 8 seconds. Doc F is done. 8 seconds. Done.
“Well done Jayne. Let’s take a look at the movie.”
So I look at the screen, and voila! My chords! In all their glory!

But ewww! What is that big thing on the side?

Doc F points out that lump runs from the bottom to the middle of my left chord. He feels that surgery is necessary, but tells me that he and Doc W (nice, but not as cute) will consult before my meeting on Monday.

Monday morning arrived, even though I made every attempt to stop it. I found myself (again) at the Doctor's office.
“Well, Jayne” says Doctor W, “This is not a normal nodule--”
Hello!?!? Normal? Jayne? This guy shoulda figured out that there’s nothing NORMAL about ME by now….
“--But it doesn’t look cancerous. I’d be flabbergasted if it was cancerous. Now, I have been flabbergasted before – but not very often.”

So – to conclude: Totally un-normal Jayne has an un-normal nodule on her left vocal chord. Cute (but married) Doc. F apologized for making Jayne gag, but took pictures anyway. Nice (but not cute) Doc. W wants to have Jayne over (to hospital) for sleepover (during the day) next week to remove flabber from chord.

The Gast is going to be that Jayne can not talk for 10 days after surgery.

Please stop laughing…..that’s not funny…..really – stop laughing!!! This is serious!!!

Okay, after you have gotten yourself under control, please help me figure out how to get us all set up on Yahoo IM so that I can talk –err I mean type at you during my recovery.


Anonymous said...

Good to hear it ain't cancerous. Best wishes for the op and a speedy recovery. Good time for quiet time.

Lelly said...

Very bestest wishes from me too, AJp. Hopefully you will get to eat soothing throat food after like ice-cream and jelly (jell-o?)
Your posts illustrate your bravery ...and a high level of medical efficiency and technological sophistication which just doesn't exist in the UK...although I am a strong supporter of our marvellous (but ailing) National Health Service. I've had various ENT niggles for over a year now and my doc (in the 30 second consultation you get after the 45 minute wait BEYOND your appointed time) just keeps bunging me nasal sprays. You can get to see a specialist if you beg and plead...and can wait a couple of years...
Best wishes again...maybe one of your consultants will be cute AND unmarried, and you'll be able to flirt by fluttering those baby blues. you're an actress, yes? Time to brush up on those miming skills/sign language...
(The only sign language I know is 'bullshit' and 'bollocks'...oh and 'arsehole' courtesy of 'Children of a Lesser God'...NOT helpful in developing a potentially romantic scenario, I know!)