Deep.....dark......chocolate....

So.....Lime blogged about chocolate....and the Zodiac.... two of my favorite things -- put together! According to Chocolate Lime, I am an M&M. Now, Molly, (otherwise known as the voice in my head) had her own opinions on the advice. I've included her ran --err opinions in blue.

M&Ms (October 31-November23) You are a party animal. You're a bit frenetic at times, and, well "frenetic" sounds so much better than spastic, eh? Everyone notices you, but in a good way - not in that "omigawd, she's naked" bad dream kind of way. You bring a smile to everyone with your antics and enliven staid situations, usually with your disaster dates or your triumphant shopping trips. You don't have a lot of patience for the dark brooding types so stay away from Truffles, or you might find yourself unable to keep from yelling at them, Poe and Plath, Poe and Plath!" You'll get along with Chips who may help calm you down when you are too over the top, but then again, what's so good about peace, love, understanding, and calm? Let's go find you a real mate. So, Jayne, what kind of chocolate do you fancy?

Jayne: Well, I've always been fond of chocolate ice crea--

Jayne, even though Chocolate Ice Cream (January 19-February 16) is refreshing to be around, they require rather specific conditions to perform well. Conditions!?!? Does that mean like everything has to be THEIR way or NO WAY!?!? Chocolate Ice Cream can alternate between being a real drip and being downright frigid if not provided the right environment but those who treat Chocolate Ice Cream right are rewarded with real pleasure. Jayne, even though you are a tasty addition to this delightful dessert, I don't see it lasting.....for God's sake, he'll be a puddle of goo at your feet....or somewhere else.... NEXT!

Well....the candy bar and the nibs look kinda boring
Yup, and the ganache is a fricking, moody snob "POE AND PLATH!"
Molly
Sorry -- hey! how about chocolate cake!
Oh! I like chocolate cake

Well Chocolate Cake (May-16-June 21), like Ice Cream is popular and folks enjoy being around him. Sweetie, that means you might have to share the spotlight with him... He's more adaptable though and can navigate great formality or basic simplicity with ease. Hmpfh! He hasn't seen you in action! Chocolate Cake is a peacemaker who can even keep Ganache and Mousse together harmoniously. What is this with all the Ganache, Truffle and Mousse talk!?!? "POE and PLATH, for cryingoutfrickingloud! Stick your head in an ov-

Molly-
Sorry --
What's next?
Well, if we skip the truffles and the mousse
Yes, please,
and forget about Hot Chocolate - Good God, can you imagine the mess?
But don't I melt in your mouth not in your hand?
Hey! There's an idea -- something similar, but different. How about chips?
Chips?

Well, even though Chocolate Chips (August 12-September 17) wishes he had the strength to stand on his own but generally need the support of others, he makes up for this slight woosiness because his presence is often what strengthens those he is with. He adds a special sweetness to every setting he is in and makes people smile even when he is melting from the heat of the situation. That sounds hot!
No it doesn't.....it sounds like a gooey mess! Worse then the ice cream!! At least gooey ice cream can be licked off - Molly?

Sorry -- I went to the store --

Maybe I should just find another bag of M&M's.....peanuts, anyone?

The New/Improved "You Wanna Date APj?" Survey

::sigh::
My friends and co-workers are now sending me dating advice. Usually I ignore it....but this one was wonderful! I think I will add this to my new dating profile:

of course -- it is difficult for me to not put in my two cents -- so my bit is in purple.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
a. This means that dishes go in the dishwasher, dirty clothes go in the hamper, and the toilet seat is down.
b. I am pretty open-minded about your "Job." I know that I'm not usually attracted to the 9-5 kind of guy. But seriously? You need to do "something."

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
a. And that's "laugh" in a good way. Not in a "omigawdhereallydoesn'tthinkI'mgoingtobelievethatstory" way.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
a. You lie -- you die. Okay, maybe not in that 6-feet-under-die kind of way....but definitely it will be the death of "us."

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
a. Both love and spoil can be done on limited funds and without ever having to get dressed....


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Somebody To Love - Queen Live At The Bowl

FYI: 47 year-old divorcee looking for Mr. Right does not seem to be working. Seriously, no normal/quasi-normal guy between the ages of 30-55! Please note the age range. For some reason, the under-30 and over 60 bracket often inquire...My response: "Sorry, I don't do diapers.

Hmmmmm...perhaps I should use this song as my dating profile....

My Morning

I am not a morning person....but oh, how I love the mornings! If I can kick my butt outta da bed, and get moving, it really is a lovely part of the day. I went out yesterday morning and greeted the birds, and watched the sun come up.
First, I had to check on the snail trap (beer in a lid). It doesn't hurt the wildlife (as long as you don't consider drunk kitties and coyotes injured), but it looks kinda gross. "Hmm.....and people wanna eat these things?"
::sigh:: only the French could come up with that. Or Fear Factor! I wonder if they're French?
--I step up on the rock to look in the Pampas grass for snails (wow, look at the cow, I mean that calf. well-developed, eh?) No snails! I walk around the other side, and STILL NO SNAILS!!! (hmmm....but part of this bed is bare -- I need to put something there).

That, by the way, sounds like good advice: if you have a bare bed, put something there.










I continue around the yard, seeing which sprinklers need fixing, deciding the sprinklers really need to be on now (instead of off while I drag ass about fixing them) or the yard will never green up.










Wow! Can you see that? Look at the sunrise. Too far? Here......let me get closer for you....
















::sigh:: I really do love the mornings.....

Person of the Week

Sarah had this lovely idea to blog about a person who has had an impact (positive or negative) on your life. “What a lovely idea!” I thought, “I think I’ll do that.” And I promptly got busy/preoccupied/distracted.

But really…what a lovely idea. I’m thinking this could be a good exercise for me. I am going to try to do this weekly, although I don’t know if I’ll be doing it on a certain day (my whole “rules-schmules” mentality).

So without further ado….here is my first POW:

Chronologically, I haven’t known him long, but it feels like I’ve known him my whole life.
All ya’ll know me – you know how high up I’ve built the walls around me. It is safer that way – yes, yes, lonely, but safe is still good for me. I only let people in...just...so...far....

– or so I like to think. But this person is somehow able to see into my very core– and pluck pieces out. He takes my painful memories and experiences and turns them into things of beauty.

“Who, Jayne, who?” I hear you scream, “who can this be?”

Who else?

You all know how charming this badboy is – and what a talented singer/songwriter he is. I’ve shared the story of Savior of the Skies, a song written (ostensibly) about skydiving.

Howe ver, when I listen to it I find myself saying, “Wait up. Hold on, how did he know that?”

And now this one arrived in the mail last week. Kien said he was inspired by my goodbye to Rio. I have to share it with you, because it, like kien, touches to the very soul:

"The Days of Flying"

So hard to say goodbye
This is the end of a million years gone by
In the morning rays we spend
One last time like it will never end

I don't want to let you down
But you know I won't be around
I give you my love
I give you my love

In this field forever
You I will remember
Eternally
Yes, I see you're crying
But there were days of flying
Will always be

I don't want to let you down But you know I won't be around I give you my love You have my love always

Troubadour...thanks for letting me share this song.

Coldplay - Can't Get You Out Of My Head - Glastonbury 2005

I'm a bit distracted lately....

This Week's Love Horoscope

Dr. Horoscope? Are you there? What's the forecast for a Scorpio this week?

Well, APj, it seems that powerful feelings will produce an tense emotional atmosphere this week.

I've had enough of tense, thankyouverymuch. and emotional, for that matter. How 'bout we just give Jaynee some atmosphere this week?

Yes, yes, the urge for change excites some people but can make others feel insecure.

Okay, you lost me a bit with "urge," "change," and "excites." I kinda went-to-the-store-

Geez, I wish you'd stop interrupting. It is a very bad habit-

Sorry-

There you go again! Sometimes your behavior tends to be.....extreme. This...impulsiveness....can lead to a sudden love affair or an unexpected battle.

Wait a fricking second -- I know, I know - "I'm interrupting." But, seriously: you're giving me a choice between an affair or a battle? WTF!?!?!? I mean, how does that play out: "Hi, my name is Jayne. Take me to the store, or die."

-Jaynee, whether you're attracted to or repulsed by someone, the intensity is unlikely to last.

So whichever it is, it fizzles....that sorta sucks....

You could be in the mood to experiment later this week.

Now you're talking!

-as vivacious Venus is heating up your 5th House of Romance while Mars, your passionate ruling planet, is pushing against the Sun.

::sigh:: vivacious. heating up. passionate. pushing. Yup.....you guessed it: APj is running down the aisles of the store!

There are no halfway measures now, Scorpie. Your powerful emotions can take you to the limit and beyond.

To Infinity and Beyond!

No, wait....I think that one's taken already.

Okay all -- I'm ready. Love or Battle, bring it on.

I'm Back!

Amazing....the difference between how we perceive ourselves, and how the almighty BlogQuiz sees us...

My superpower is "cuddles!?!?!?" WTF!?!?!?!?
I am so done with using my power for good.....

So Hard to Say Goodbye

**Warning: Tearjerk Alert**I remember the day 18 years ago when he came to live with me: so tall, proud, and terrified. "What an oxymoron," I thought, "just like me: he only looks brave on the outside." The first time I rode him off the property he got frightened by: the mailbox, a for sale sign, a field pump, a bunny rabbit, and a shirt hanging on a clothes line. When a flock of birds flew out of a bush as we made it back to the house, he'd had enough. He stopped, looked over his shoulder at me, and begged me to carry him home.
Impossible, not only because of his weight, but his height. He was 16-3. That's 16+hands -- so tall that getting up on him was not always the easiest.
And smart: I only ever had to show him something once. He never forgot it: side pass, open the gate, back or change speed on a voice cue. Smart, but stubborn too. He refused to take a right lead - no matter how hard I tried to make him. Personally, I think he thought he was Secretariat (who also refused to take the right lead). Damn race horses!

Yes, Rio was originally a racehorse. He did well enough his first year, that he raced for another year and a half. I've shared the story of my pounding victory over Voldemort, but Rio loved to run just for the sheer pleasure of it. Many a leisurely stroll through the grapes culminated in us streaking through a just plowed field: him, reliving some past victory, and me, just trying to keep the tears from forming in my eyes as we flew across the ground.

Each year became harder and harder on my friend. I stopped riding him about three years ago -- he just was too thin, and his legs bothered him too much. But we still walked: he would follow me around the property, help me when I gardened, etc. Friends and neighbors gawked, smiled, and laughed at the sight of this tall old man following me around like a puppy. A 1200 pound puppy.

During the Rogue, Rio suffered a minor stroke. He had difficulty moving, and lost interest in eating. Daily and hourly I agonized over what I should do -- finally leaving the decision to my vet -- who has cared for Rio the entire 18 years I've had him.

Yesterday morning, Rio and I shared our last breakfast together: an apple. I sat in the field with my old friend, stroking his face, smelling his neck, and nuzzling his ears. I thanked him for his friendship, his love, and his ability to make me feel as if I were flying. And then the vet came, and I kissed him (one last time), and said goodbye.

Sorry to leave you with such a sad one - but it needed to be written. Yes, I know I did the right thing, and I know he's in a better place. But I'm still sad. Thanks lecram, kien and katie for all your love.
I leave in the morning for my annual trip to Mexico to build a house. It is good for me to get away. I promise to write something more upbeat upon my return

My ROGUISH 55!

Peeking through the stage door, I’m surprised by 101 peering eyes

Waiting for me. “Whose bloody idea was this!?!?!?” I seethe. Breathing deep (and putting on my big-girl-pants) I step onstage. “Did ya’ll really come to hear me talk about sex?” I challenge, "or do ya’ simply wanna go to the store with Airplane Jayne?”

I have two words for you. And no, they aren't, "You Suck."
although I have been know--
but wait, this is not about that -- this is about my Rogue Show. My two words are, "Sold Out." And not "sold out" in that caved in to the material world way - I mean "sold out" as in "holy-shit-what-the-hell-are-all-those-people-doing-out-there" kinda way.
So my sold-out-wednesday show led to me getting this:

Holy shit...
But seriously, I am having a blast (even if I'm a wreck for twenty minutes before I go on stage). I'm getting some nice press also:

Mia Paschal (one of the most talented performers I have seen): This funny and moving work boasts subtly solid writing, and a very strong performance.

Solitaire: the connection she made with the audience during her performance allowed everyone to root for her and be on her side, and when she talks about the divorce papers my heart broke

Eric (yes, yes, it's long...but theres' some good stuff there!): you want to just hold her so the lights don’t sting her eyes, realizing that she’s priceless
-and she’s only three feet away.

Steve: Out Standing! I was amazed her first excursion into writing and solo performance. WEll written, confidently performed and wonderfully entertaining!

**Tune in here later to see what Steve wrote to Drew...You remember Drew, yes? From here.**

Dear Drew,
Well, it did go down and I mean down. I was shocked to see 20 people in the audience, then realized she took your advice and packed the house with PTS Iraq veterans......

....So it seems a group of recovering alcoholics wandered in and, hearing Jayne go on, just assumed it was an AA meeting.

...Anyway, Jayne attempted to explain it was NOT an AA meeting:

"Sir, this is not an AA meeting. And Iam not an alcoholic."
"Sure, Lady, that's what they all say. You're in denial."
"No, I'm in the Rogue."
"Call it what you want; it's still denial."
"No Sir! This is my show!"
"Yes, it is. But it's customary to let others speak at these meetings, you know."

Sarah Silverman

This cracked me up!!!!!! Sorry.....I've gotta go......cause, cause, I'm f#@king Matt Damon...

Action Hero!

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Maximus After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. Maximus 67% El Zorro 67% James Bond, Agent 007 63% Lara Croft 58% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% William Wallace 54% Indiana Jones 50% Neo, the "One" 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 42% Batman, the Dark Knight 42% The Terminator 38%

I'm going with my "rules schmules."
(f#$K you Lecram -- I'm doing it this time!)
Maximus!?!?!? I mean PUH-leees -- have you seen his shoes!?!?!? I wouldn't be caught dead in those, and we all know it.

But Zorro......I mean - he wears BOOTS! And we ALL remember my....affinity....for boots.

Friday 55 - A Cool October Night...

“Are the Stars Out Tonight?”
Living in the country, I’ve grown used to looking up and seeing stars. Rarely takes my breath away…let alone make my knees buckle. Yet, there I was, anchorless, staring at their vastness, closing my eyes, I Star Danced ‘cross the sky, pausing planets, skipping stars, and riding meteors.

*If you've never read Stardance, by Spider and Jeanne Robinson, I highly suggest it.

Top Ten!

So.....I received this Valentine card -
no, no, I am following the lead of my tight-lipped friends and not sharing from whom it came.
--oh, and yes, I used "tight-lipped" and "not sharing" on purpose.
Especially in respect to the subject matter....


-and of course, it got me thinking! (yes, yes, it sent me to the store also -- where I just ran around the parking lot in circles)

But exactly
HOW is a BJ like Flowers?!?!?!?

9. they come in all different sizes

8. they always bring a smile to your face.

7. because sometimes it really is about the length of the stem

6. they are never refused at the door.

5. If they don’t last long enough, you want it redelivered

4. You might say it doesn’t matter, but inside you’re jealous when others get them and you don’t

3. Although always appreciated, they are best when least expected

2. they make up for mistakes made earlier.

1. if delivered to the wrong person, it could cause problems for the relationship.

Oops....my Top 10 is only 9 deep.......can you think of one to add?

Jayne is nekkid in the parking lot of Costco....

I SWEAR I did not cheat on this contest!!!
This was my Valentine's card from Erynn.....



Take the Quiz


Brad, Brad....Where are you!?!?!?!?!?

...Hey Man, there's only one thing, and one car that will do..

You all seemed to enjoy my emails last week, so I'm going to share another one.
Hey, I'm busy trying to get this stupid show ready for the Rogue. "Whose idea was this?" I fume. "Oh yeah....Steve"
Steve, aka Obi-Overlord emails me daily to either threaten or coax me regarding my upcoming Rogue performance, alias "Jayne and the I.B.S. show."
--Which reminds me: do any of you know where can I get my hands on astronaut diapers?
Speaking of astronaut diapers, here's the latest reparte:

Dear APj,

Have you seen this car? Ok not this exact one but my 1994 Subaru which is charcoal Grey ( black) and was stolen from in front of my house on Friday.

Yes

Who would want that car?

Why would someone steal it?

If you can answer that question in 25 words or less you can have the car...well what is left of it if it comes back.

What might still remain?

How about

a roof rack

my earthquake gear - tent, MREs, stove, 2 rolls of quarters, a 1990 ski coat and much much more!

a Buddha statue ( lotta good that did

empty water bottles

a 1 ton car jack

a hiking stick

and of course car parts

but honestly I do hope it does not return as well........it just won't be the same. So don't pray to St. Anthony

Thanks

Steven

To which I responded:

Steven,

I don't remember the roof rack. Are you hoping that when the car returns, the cops (with the 95% recovery rate) will say, "shit! It had a roof rack, we'd better go find one."

empty water bottles. Like those are SO going to help when you're stranded, eh? I mean, the tent: great. MRE's (taste like shit, but hey shit's better than shitless): fine. But what the hell you gonna wash shit down with? Don't tell me you were planning on that whole "drinking your own urine" thing. gross.

What were the quarters for? Impersonating footage?

crap -- that's a whole lot more than 25 words.....let me try again. Give me a do-over.
-btw, I so want a do-over, or a do-again, or a do-it-baby-one-more-time (ala Britney, but not all bald and stuff).


25 word ode to Steven's Subaru:

He stole the car cause he was singing, “Pink Cadillac”

and that line about how "it’s better than a Subaru."

Is it?

Now we’ll know.

Oh, hot damn. I am good.

APj

Dear Contestants of the Subaru Contest:

Note: Good news/Bad News

The car was found, intact and in ………….Fremont, CA.

So the answer was ‘joyriding’ it seems. Which I understand because I have ridden with joy for years in that car.

However, contents of backseat were taken. Not all but you do not want what was left trust me.

Taken was my big black box of Earthquake Preparedness:

-Several bottles of Evian water ( if we have a crisis why not have the best)

-the MRE’s cira 1985 ( Bochna can you get me some more before you retire?)

- Ramon Noodles-

-my new spirit burning stove ( alcohol not other world spirits)

- Columbia ski coat circa 1994

-misc camping gear- penknife, flashlight etc

-baby and astronaut diapers

-a list of my enemies

So...we regret to inform you that prize swag is no longer available.

However as the winner you are welcome to cruise around in the Subaru anytime.

The winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Ron Darcy

Ron is a NY Firefighter, father of 2, buyer of pint rounds, a national and world champion Thumb Wrestler ( he took the gold for the US in the 94 Zurich games) and all around great guy.

yes steven.. i have your car..

i had one already and i needed this second one to match.. you see i remove the rear window, slip my feet in them, pull up the rear bumper and rollerskate around the neighborhood,

love shelly... sorry it was 37 words

Airplane Jayne came in 2^nd place. Although a good effort it was just not her best. I assume she is focused on her first one women show premiering in the Rogue Festival 2008 in Fresno. Go Jayne!

To which, of course, I replied:
Dear Obe-overlord,

Cheese and Rice.
No wonder you're a SUBSTITUTE teacher. You obviously don't understand the whole "giving instructions and expecting others to follow it." Nope. Just read what's on the paper, and whatever they turn in is fine!

WTF!?!?!?

How. PRAY TELL ME HOW does 37 words win a 25-words-or-less contest!?!?!?!?!?
I'll tell you: SEX. That's it. SEX. I don't care who Mr. Darcy f#$!ed - it wasn't me. Oh - by the way, you do remember I've a thing for firefighters.....

Whatevah.
I am working on my show, and having tons of sex.

okay, only half of that is true....

xoxo,
APj

I've Got Friends in low places....

Sorry I have been remiss in my blogging. The Rogue is quickly approaching
-what is that light at the end of the tunnel? EGADS!!!! It's the train!! Run for your lives!!! The Plow is coming! It's moving day!!! (that last is courtesy of "The Secret of NIMH")

-quickly approaching, and I'm busy. No other excuse. Just busy. Busy helping with stuff not done, busy helping with stuff to do, busy making a list of stuffees and stuffors....
::sigh::
I just love looking at the pics in the Rogue Map....

and then, of course, I've got to deal with my friends.
Friends who would prefer to yammer on behind my back, but just can't help themselves, so they THEN send copies of the DRIVEL to me.
Because they think they are so funny.
-not-
And, because we are talking ME, we all know that I share everything.
sorry, it's true: I'm a talker. Not many secrets when it comes to me....

So, here's the tripe from my friends:
Dearest Drew,

I am writing in regards to the impending APJ one-women show. To be blunt you must attend because I - not you- will hear about it forever and she'll even blog about it and then ask if I've read it. I do not read her blogs as a substitute teacher I confiscate and read aloud poorly written notes by immature girls all day. But in regards to her show, look at it this way - it one of the few times that you will know for sure that Jayne will be jabbing on for 45 minutes without anyone else getting in a word edgewise. As opposed to any other time when you fool yourself thinking 'Oh maybe she'll let me talk this time?' My point at least we know what we're getting into and we don't have to fain interest with " oh really" or " that's nice' ...speaking of what to wear I suggest kilts, official of course. So we can sit in the front row spread our legs- I will expose my shortcomings and you can expose the 8,9 and 10th wonder of the world.
Love,
Steve

Darling Steven:

What is this about a one woman show with APJ? This is the first I have heard about it....and the last I hope. It is a pity it is being held on the one night I am not available.
Let me know about the train wreck that is APJ's introduction into showbiz. Please tell me she is not doing a one woman version of the Vagina Monolgue - I only hope she gets a bikini wax - last time it looked like a bikini spider contest; I though the woman had Don King tucked into her panties. I am shocked and appalled that she has not let me know - maybe she is waiting until she gets her act down before she wants me to see it - which means I need not have to make arrangements in this lifetime....
Love,
Drew

My Darling APJ:

Word on the street - the street of broken dreams no less - is that you are planning on doing a one woman show......

No Janey - surely you remember the last time you tried this you had all that trouble keeping the ping pong balls from falling out, and when you did 'shoot' them out it was more of a dribble; and the donkey falling over and dying from exhaustion.
Anyway - you have to tell me all about this folly and hopefully you will not be doing interpretive dance or worse still, speaking through your vagina and manipulating a ventriloquist dummy's mouth. I did that show myself once and it is not as appreciated by the crowds as you might think.
Yours fondly,
Drewsy

Drew, my love,

Manwhore,oops, I mean, Man-that-I-adore,What are you doing out on the streets? Has Ryan finally come to his senses and put you out? I do hope he let the girls stay....it really wasn't there fault about the dead hamster... I do hope you finally came clean about that incident. Really, how you expected to keep that a secret: after all, you DO live in Hollywood.

I will type slowly so as not to confuse you:itwasn't pingpongballs.it was bowlingballs. Hey, they were heavier than I thought. You try holding a ball up your ass-nevermind, I know for a fact that YOU have been there...on numerous occassions!
Oh, and FYI, it wasn't a donkey -- it was a waiter HUNG like a donkey....I think his name was Martin. You remember Martin, don't you? So-totally-NOT-gay-Martin from my fab-u-lous birthday party in "The HollywoodHills?" ::sigh:: May Martin rest in peace...

alas, I will not be manipulating any dummy's mouth -- because my favorite dummy (YOU) won't leave his home to come see me shine. Yes, my sweet, I will tell you aaaaallll about it -- but I probably won't have to: CNN and MTV are planning full coverage. Watch and weep, my sweet. Watch and weep.-or-be the man whore -oops, man-I-adore,and come to Fresno for the day to see my show. I've a room the girls can wait in behind the stage. With treats. and cute boys for them to frolic or fuck. Their choice.

Love,

The ever-sexy AirplaneJayne
ps: thanks for reminding me about the wax job. Brazilian it is. I just love those boys from South America.....

Steve,

Kiss my ass, pull my hair and admit it: you don't read my blog because it's funny. And it just bugs you how funny I am.

::sigh:: the lengths -OH...the LENGTHS--I've gone to for you....the things I did -- and STILL you didn't write my show.

whatevah,

Love and kisses,

The always funnier APj
ps. I do hope my new magnifying glass is powerful enough to see and enjoy your shortcomings from the stage...

APJ'S 2008 ROGUE SHOW!!!

I don't know which was worse: the divorce or the dead hamster in the fridge....but I do know that neither of them led to sex! Jayne's tales of broken bones and missing toes and no sex. A hardware store date and one interrupted by a police chopper, and still no sex!

Ashtree Studios
$3.00
5:00 PM, Friday, 2/29
2:00 PM, Saturday, 3/1
8:45 PM, Wednesday, 3/5

Okay my bloggies, it's in print, so it must be real.
::sigh::

55-Temper, temper

Grabbing the barstool with one hand,
She launched it towards the window,
Knowing shattering glass would silence and cease his assault.
It spun.
lazysusan-like on the floor, feet away from its target.
“Did that feel good?” he sneered.
“No,” she calmly replied, “But this will.”

She picked up the second stool, and let it fly.

I have been known to have a temper, although I think I do a pretty darn good job of keeping it in check. But this was one of my more “inspired” outbursts:

Voldemort and I were having an argument. Now, being one of six children, I know how to argue: you get your turn to say whatever you want, I don’t interrupt. And then, it’s my turn. Of course, it was my turn, and he kept interrupting, shutting me down, telling me I was wrong, etc. And then he would keep going – like it was his turn. WTF!?!?!?!? Suddenly, the quiet rage descended upon me, and I could see clearly the path to take. The vision showed that if I threw the heavy iron barstool through the window, he would be so startled that he would stop yelling and it would be my turn.

Well, it really was very logical in that quiet rage moment.

B-b-b-b-back to Blogthings!!!!!

What Airplane Jayne Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. Please note - It is Blogthings, not I, who insists that I am the best. I'm not disagreeing, but I'm not the one who brought it up. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. Hmmm....you know, this is the second time in the past few months that I have been called aggressive. As I said then, "You say, 'aggressive,' I say, 'persuasive." You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. All I'm asking - is for a little Respect when you get home. Whip it to me - You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. A hundred times!?!?!?!? Geez, that's an awful lot.... You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. Aye, lassie. But not so good at taking your own advice, eh? You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You say "intense" like it's a bad thing. You don't mean that, do you? WELL....DO YOU!?!?!? You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. ::shiver:: sorry....I've gone to the store....back in a moment.... You are influential and persuasive. I do prefer "persuasive" over "aggressive." Really. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. Bloggything is always going on and on about my powers. I have yet to see this "power" in action. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES! SEE!?!?!? Nada! Zeelch - Zero. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. oops....sorry about that "take off your clothes" thing... You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. hm? Did you say something? Sorry, Brad and I were just having s- You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. Hey - just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're NOT out to get you. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. But tying me up is another story... You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. Yup. Sometimes it's a BIG surprise.... You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. As I've said before: I'm not "settling" this time. I will continue to enjoy life. Hopefully I will find someone who is also so-inclined.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

MY SHOW IS WRITTEN!

YEA!!!! My Rogue show is written! Hacuna Matata. "It's our problem free....philosophy....."

oh shit. But now I've got to memorize it. and block it. and make it funny...

okay -- so maybe not quite so hacuna. maybe just matata....

But I'm dancing anyway...

Damien Rice at Four Seasons -The Blower's Daughter -

this song makes me weep...

Ew-Ee! Ew-Ee Baby!

Tomorrow, I leave for my cruise. You never know what will happen, who you'll meet, etc. But, it seems that Google knows everything.....so I decided to ask Google about my cruise.

Mr. Google, what will it be like for Jayne on a cruise?WTF!?!?!? That's not a cruise ship -- maybe it has cruise missiles, but it is DEFINITELY not a ship. Although a missile might be kinda fun.
But I digress. I will rephrase the question:
Mr. Google, it's a CarnivalCRUISE! Not Carnival in Rio, you meathead. I'm getting a little frustrated. Now. Just. Listen. It's a Carnival Cruise, got that?
On the Elation.


Yes. You are right. He looks very happy. So happy, in fact, that he may just have a woo--

But wait--you're getting me sidetracked, again! Okay....let's just forget the whole boat thing. Obviously it's not your forte.





How about this: what will Jayne do for entertainment at night?

Okay - this actually does sorta kinda resemble something that I might do. 'cept my bunny is not blue. ever.

Okay my peeps! I am off on my sea adventure. I will try to blog from the boat...

Jayne's New Year's Resolution

I
Will
Have
This
Kiss

Peeling the Onion that is APj

I saw this one floating around Myspace, so I thought I'd try it:
11 Layers of Me

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Airplane Jayne.
Birthday: November 5 – Guy Fawkes Day
Current Location: My rancho. And the corners of my mind
Eye Color: blue or green, depending on clothing and mood. And my best feature, I might add.
Hair Color: strawberry blonde.
Righty or Lefty: lefty.
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio, and, according to the Chinese Horoscope, a Rat. A Rat looking for a Pig.

Layer Two: Just Below the Surface
Your Weakness: smiling men, a quick wit, a nicely shaped butt
Goal: to land the man of my weakness
Your Fears: that he doesn’t exist

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: darn, it was just a dream
Your bedtime: whenevah
Your most missed memory: snuggling and laughing – at the same time.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Well, I’ll go with Pepsi, ‘cause coke is illegal…
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Happy Meal. Lunch and a toy. Life is good.
Single or Group dates: group date!?!?!? Omigawd and WTF!?!? is that just a euphemism for “orgy?” Thanks, but no thanks - I think I’m too old for that, so I’ll take the single date, Alex for $200. Because yes, my love is in Jeopardy…baby.

Adidas or Nike: whichever is on sale. But if I have one pair of Adidas, and I buy another pair, does that mean I have Adidi (pronounced a-dee-DIE)? -just wondering….
Lipton Tea or Nestea: I like Lipton. Wasn’t Peggy Lipton just super cool on the Mod Squad?

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla latte or perfume. Chocolate everything else….
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino – cause it’s all about the foam… ::shiver::

Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke: nope. Quit that nasty habit 15 years ago.
Have a crush: yup. He’s name is….oh wait, there’s also – and --. Hmmm, yup, you’re right: I’m fickle….and shallow, remember?

Think you've been in love: think? Often. Actual? Not so often.
Want to get married: toughie. I know I don’t want to be alone, but don’t know if “married” is necessary.

Believe in yourself: aw, luv, that depends on which facet of me. I am so fricking cocksure confident in matters of my art….and wimpified woosie in matters of the heart.

Think you're a health freak: well, I’m picky about food and its origins…..and I don’t like my food touching….so….I guess that makes me a bit of a freak.

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: not much since “Drunk Jayne” made her BBQ appearance in May.
Gone to the mall: yup. Although…I’d love to go to the store instead of the mall. ::shiver::
Eaten Sushi: oh….is that what we’re calling it nowadays?
Gone skating: On skates – no. On thin ice-yes.
Dyed your hair: only the hair on my head. You got a problem with that?

Layer Seven: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: APj vs. 7 buff Skydiving Ironworkers. I won. They still made me take my top off, but I won.
Gotten beaten up: nope. Again, I won.
Changed who you were to fit in: started to, but changed my mind instead.

Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age you’re hoping to be married: 1^st time I was 25.
Plastic Surgery or Wrap: Not crazy about going under a knife. So I’ll take the wrap.
Buried or Cremated: Cremated, for sure. I don’t want to be the skeleton hanging in the classroom of the future.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate

Best Eye Color: A color I can swim in. (note, two of my crushes have eyes I could swim in….)
Best Hair Color: A color I can smell (musky, like a forest floor)
Short or Long Hair: A length I can pull (just a little tug, mind you…)

Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 HOUR AGO: watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” ::sigh:: anybody wanna play Villa with me?
1 WEEK AGO: hoping for a man to come down my chimney. ::shiver::
1 MONTH AGO: Basking. Just basking. Nonofurbusiness!
1 YEAR AGO: making my Resolution List

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE: that I am a survivor.
I HATE: that my current life is not enough.
I HIDE: my fear
I MISS: his smell
I NEED: a want to be the same as a need.

Merry Christmas...or...Why I Just Love Facebook!

I am thoroughly exhausted from Christmas. "What did you do?" you inquire.
What - and Who - DIDN'T I do is more like it....
Let me share my Fabulous day....

::ding dong!::
"Who could possibly be at the door?" I panicked, "it's Christmas morning, for crying out loud!"
I stumbled to the door, wearing my lovely new outfit from Joy, and these bitching boots from Nic.
"Who is it?" I ask.
"Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas."
"Ya know, the last guy who called me a ho is buried out back," I retort, "so WHO are YOU!?!?"
"Well, I'll give you a hint. You once said something about licking butter off my--"
I quickly throw the door open, and yes....this is what Solitaire sent me to start my day:
Yes....I was a ho.....two or three times.
He left in a hurry after a call from Angelina, but promised to return. Soon.
::sigh::

"This is the best Christmas ever!" I effused, "how could this day get any better?"
::ding dong::
"Hello? Is this Airplane Jayne's house?"
"Yes, who are you?"
"Well, your sister JoJo thought you might like to play pirates with-"
"Holy shit!" I screamed, racing to open the door, "Orlando Bloom!?!?!? For reals!?!?!?"
Yes, it was Legolas/Will Turner.
"I met a friend of yours while I was in England," he said, "she sent these and asked if you would please stay away from her man Dan."

"To hell with my 'over thirty' rule," I thought to myself.

"Come here, little boy," I cooed, as I dragged that child down the hall.

Four hours and trips to the store later..I was recharging my batteries so to speak, eating these, sent by Dan when-

::ding dong::
"Hello?" I called, "who is it?"
"I'm back, " purred a now-familiar voice, "with the butter."
"Holy shit!" I raced to the door, "how is this possible?"

"Well," he smiled as he eyed my current ensemble, sent by a secret admirer, "your friend Nic didn't want to send Johnny, so I've come."
"No complaints," I gushed, grabbing the stick -- uh...of butter. "No complaints at all"

::sigh::
I just love Facebook. Leave me to my addiction. I will die with a smile on my face.

Finding the "J" Spot...

I’ve stolen this from my friend, Meg.

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS) You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

What is your name:
Jayne. I was named for both my mom - Janet, which means little Jane, and my dad – Jay. And yes, when I was little, they called me Jay-nee. Some still do. And some have fondly (I think) taken to doing so now.

2. 4 letter word:
jour (hey, I think that’s French for “Day” which is my last name….)

3.Vehicle:
Jeep. Which I would look so cute in – especially a fire-engine-red one.

4. A city
We could start with Janesville, Wisconsin, ‘cept they spelled it wrong, so that won’t do. We could try Juneau, Alaska, but I’m not in the mood for cold. But hey! There’s a place called “Jundah” in Australia. Crikey! I’m there!

5. Boy Name
Justin. Oh, I met one and he was hot, hot, hot. hmmm…..sorry, give me a moment, I’ve gone to the store.

6. Girl Name:
Jaelynn (I actually considered this for Erynn, but Voldemort didn’t like it)

7. Alcoholic drink:
Jack Rabbit! Oops, that’s the name of something else….Okay, how about Jello shooters? Probably not a good idea: we’ll end up with “Drunk Jayne” again…..Okay, we’ll settle for a James Fog…

8. Occupation
Jello-taster? Is that a job? Possibly a lot of licking? And slurping? Aw hell, I’ve gone to the store again.

9. Something you wear
jockstrap – oops, ‘cept I don’t wear one….okay, let's go with Jodhpurs

10. Celebrity
Jack Sparrow!
Johnny Depp!
Yup….at the store, again….

11. Food
jambalaya.

12. Something found in a bathroom
jack-- oops. Let's go with junk. just....junk....

13. Reason for Being Late
just because

14. Cartoon Character
Josey and the Pussycats! Long tails, and ears for hats.

15. Something you shout
Just wait til I catch you, fothermucker

16.Animal
jaguar.

17. Movie
Jaws. Messed me up for years.

18. Word to describe you
Juxtaposedly jaded, yet jubilant

Another (Late) 55.....and ANOTHER Conversation with God

Hello? Can I help you?
I have family court papers for you.
Oh, you must have the wrong address.
Are you Jayne Day Richardson?
Yes, yes, I am…
Nope! I’ve got the right house. Here you go…..ahhh, Merry Christmas.

::ring, ring::

Hello?
Michael.
Jayne.
Michael, what have you done?
Jayne, I'm just not happy anymore.

Hey God?

Yes, Jaynee.

God, even though I am in a much better place, and all is well in my life, this is always a difficult day. Please hold my hand today.

Missy, I've got you.

Hey....you sound like my Dad when you call me Missy.

I know....

Friday 55 - A Seasonal 55

An unmarried woman, heavy with child

An ungodly King, widely reviled.

Stable-bound, but heavenly birthed

Salvation’s Savior arrived on Earth.

Ignored by locals; revered by the wise

Who came bearing gifts, awe in their eyes.

So in the midst of the hustle of this joyful season,

Take a moment to honor, and remember the reason.