Monday, February 04, 2008

I've Got Friends in low places....

Sorry I have been remiss in my blogging. The Rogue is quickly approaching
-what is that light at the end of the tunnel? EGADS!!!! It's the train!! Run for your lives!!! The Plow is coming! It's moving day!!! (that last is courtesy of "The Secret of NIMH")

-quickly approaching, and I'm busy. No other excuse. Just busy. Busy helping with stuff not done, busy helping with stuff to do, busy making a list of stuffees and stuffors....
I just love looking at the pics in the Rogue Map....

and then, of course, I've got to deal with my friends.
Friends who would prefer to yammer on behind my back, but just can't help themselves, so they THEN send copies of the DRIVEL to me.

Because they think they are so funny.
And, because we are talking ME, we all know that I share everything.
sorry, it's true: I'm a talker. Not many secrets when it comes to me....

So, here's the tripe from my friends:

Dearest Drew,

I am writing in regards to the impending APJ one-women show. To be blunt you must attend because I - not you- will hear about it forever and she'll even blog about it and then ask if I've read it. I do not read her blogs as a substitute teacher I confiscate and read aloud poorly written notes by immature girls all day. But in regards to her show, look at it this way - it one of the few times that you will know for sure that Jayne will be jabbing on for 45 minutes without anyone else getting in a word edgewise. As opposed to any other time when you fool yourself thinking 'Oh maybe she'll let me talk this time?' My point at least we know what we're getting into and we don't have to fain interest with " oh really" or " that's nice' ...speaking of what to wear I suggest kilts, official of course. So we can sit in the front row spread our legs- I will expose my shortcomings and you can expose the 8,9 and 10th wonder of the world.


Darling Steven:

What is this about a one woman show with APJ? This is the first I have heard about it....and the last I hope. It is a pity it is being held on the one night I am not available.

Let me know about the train wreck that is APJ's introduction into showbiz. Please tell me she is not doing a one woman version of the Vagina Monolgue - I only hope she gets a bikini wax - last time it looked like a bikini spider contest; I though the woman had Don King tucked into her panties. I am shocked and appalled that she has not let me know - maybe she is waiting until she gets her act down before she wants me to see it - which means I need not have to make arrangements in this lifetime....

My Darling APJ:

Word on the street - the street of broken dreams no less - is that you are planning on doing a one woman show......

No Janey - surely you remember the last time you tried this you had all that trouble keeping the ping pong balls from falling out, and when you did 'shoot' them out it was more of a dribble; and the donkey falling over and dying from exhaustion.
Anyway - you have to tell me all about this folly and hopefully you will not be doing interpretive dance or worse still, speaking through your vagina and manipulating a ventriloquist dummy's mouth. I did that show myself once and it is not as appreciated by the crowds as you might think.

Yours fondly,

Drew, my love,

Manwhore,oops, I mean, Man-that-I-adore,What are you doing out on the streets? Has Ryan finally come to his senses and put you out? I do hope he let the girls really wasn't there fault about the dead hamster... I do hope you finally came clean about that incident. Really, how you expected to keep that a secret: after all, you DO live in Hollywood.

I will type slowly so as not to confuse you:itwasn't was bowlingballs. Hey, they were heavier than I thought. You try holding a ball up your ass-nevermind, I know for a fact that YOU have been there...on numerous occassions!
Oh, and FYI, it wasn't a donkey -- it was a waiter HUNG like a donkey....I think his name was Martin. You remember Martin, don't you? So-totally-NOT-gay-Martin from my fab-u-lous birthday party in "The HollywoodHills?" ::sigh:: May Martin rest in peace...

alas, I will not be manipulating any dummy's mouth -- because my favorite dummy (YOU) won't leave his home to come see me shine. Yes, my sweet, I will tell you aaaaallll about it -- but I probably won't have to: CNN and MTV are planning full coverage. Watch and weep, my sweet. Watch and weep.-or-be the man whore -oops, man-I-adore,and come to Fresno for the day to see my show. I've a room the girls can wait in behind the stage. With treats. and cute boys for them to frolic or fuck. Their choice.


The ever-sexy AirplaneJayne
ps: thanks for reminding me about the wax job. Brazilian it is. I just love those boys from South America.....


Kiss my ass, pull my hair and admit it: you don't read my blog because it's funny. And it just bugs you how funny I am.

::sigh:: the lengths -OH...the LENGTHS--I've gone to for you....the things I did -- and STILL you didn't write my show.


Love and kisses,

The always funnier APj
ps. I do hope my new magnifying glass is powerful enough to see and enjoy your shortcomings from the stage...


lime said...

LOL, this is a show all by itself!!!

wish i were there!

airplanejayne said...

lime - I wish you were gonna be here too. That way I/we could always pole dance as a "Plan B."

KFarmer said...

I gotta say it, aph, you're dy-no-mie!

Reading this just makes me (if possible) more sad that I won't be there either :(

david mcmahon said...

G'day from Oztralia,

I came here from Lime's blog. This is quite the place for entertaining writing and irreverence!

KaMotion said...

echoing the sentiments.
laughing at your blog.
crying because I'm gonna miss this year.

airplanejayne said...

k: I will forward your opinions on to Drew and Steve. They suck. :)

david: Yes...we are very irreverent here. but we're usually kind to newbies....especially those with accents...:)

kamotion: NO!!!!! Tell me it's not true!!!!!!! Why!?!?!?!?

david mcmahon said...

Thanks for that reply. I can teach you how to speak like an Aussie.

Today's lesson:

Practice saying ``G'day'' 20 times