Another APj Horoscope commentary

Okay, I know, I know, I should be working on writing my Rogue show. But in the tradition of many long-necked birds, I shall put my head in the sand, read the paper, feed my Facebook addiction, read my horoscope-

OMIGAWD!!!!!!!

"It will be easier for you from now on to decide to lead a less hectic life, to eat and sleep at regular hours, to do indispensable daily exercise."

Yea....right. Regular hours?!?!? Me. Not gonna happen.

"Concentrate your attention on certain professional problems."

It is Friday. As my students would say, "Dude, I so do NOT have to concentrate on school."

"You'll feel the desire to know new erotic experiences, particularly if you're entertaining relationships with a person whom you met recently."

Omigawd....See!?!?!? It's not me that always brings it back to sex! IT'S MY SIGN!!!!!

Friday 55 - Princess Erynn

"But why can't I play with her?"

"Because you have no hands."

"Why do I need hands to play?"

"Sweetie, how can you catch with no hands?"

"Mommy, I'll just hit the ball back to her. I'll be fine. Don't worry."

"Run along then, my little unicorn. Play with Princess Erynn and her baby dragon."

WTF!?!?!?

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* sex (5x)
* kill (4x)
* hurt (2x)
* gun (1x)

Well.....fu-- frick.

Here I thought I was PG-13 and all, and dam--darnit!

Hell with 'em! I don't want 'em under 17 anyway!
Truth be told...I don't want 'em under 30!

Okay....Don't laugh.....but....

I am looking for a Dragon, a Monkey, or a Pig. No Horses need apply. Seriously.

Voldemort, aka ex-husband, was a Horse. See what it says? "Fatal attraction leads to terminal dissension. Chinese warn off this one." Where the heck were they when we hooked up!?!?!?

Jayne and a monkey: --hmm, and I'd only just discovered spanking the monkey.... but this sounds interesting: "Cute couple." Hel-LO, I am cuteness person- err, I mean ra-ton-i-fied. But what's this? "Rat likes a safe home." what's so bad about that? "Monkey doesn't mind" Well, I should fricking hope not! Hmmm, upon reflection this may be a bit too safe for APj.

Jayne and a dragon: "Unforgettable. Go for it." ::shiver:: I've always liked dragon epics --perhaps there was an underlying reason, hmm? I mean, I'm done making babies (unless George or Brad want more), but the "beautiful music on a four poster bed. " I am all there, baby.

Jayne and a pig: "Joyful union. Pig gets money" big deal, money is not that important to me. "Rat gets lavish lifestyle." not so big a deal. Maybe this isn't so goo-
--whoa.
Whats this?
"Splendid no-holds barred sex."
::shiver:: ::shiver::
--sorry, you'll have to excuse me.....okay, back now, where was I? Oh yeah.
Tie me to the bedpost!!!!

I like Dreaming....

Okay - most of you know I've got a very ACTIVE dream life. Hey, the day-to-day APj can be a be mundane (with the occasional earthquake)...

I have dreams of finding rooms....finding potties.....finding potty rooms. Which is strange, but the dream I had the other night!?!?!? DOOZIE!

I'm sitting out back in Marcel's room--
-That's not the doozie part -- that's actually very normal. And he's got it pretty cleaned out now -- so there really is a place to sit
- anyhoo, we're sitting there talking and chatting, Marcel, myself, and my friend Linda. I realize that Marcel and Linda are flirting with each other (yes, I can always see it when it doesn't involve me) and I'm thinking, "That would be odd. Wait until she sees that he has seven toes on his left foot."
-Strange part #1. Marcel's left foot has the normal number of toes.
--but we're talking, and Marcel stands up to pour another round of Absinthe
-that's not strange -- that's typical
-when his toga flies open. Yes, I said his toga! There with all his bizniz on viewing to the world! I pull his toga back down, but it continues to flap open!
::knock knock::
"Oh!" says Marcel, springing up to answer the door, "that must be the neighbor with my new sheets."
--okay, kinda strange, but wait, it gets worse.
As he crosses the floor, (toga flapping open and me frantically trying to keep him covered), and opens the door, who is there?
--one of my students. in a toga. that keeps flapping open, exposing his bizniz.

Lordy, lordy! Now I've two togas to keep down.
So they get the sheets changed, with much exposure in the process....my student leaves (thank God), and so does Linda.
::knock knock::
Worried that it may be my student again.....I look to Marcel questioningly.
"Oh," Marcel reassures, "it's probably the pizza."
And it is the pizza, delivered by the hottest buff and bald delivery guy I've seen.
"APj!" Marcel enthuses, "this is my friend sh$tk!?" *Damn! This guy's name is the only detail I don't remember from the dream...
"Nice to meet you, " I say to him. "Have we met before? You look familar."
Mr. Clean begins, "I don't think we've-"
"Apj," interjects Marcel, "sh$tk!? used to play Vinne Babarino's little brother on Kotter."
--yes, yes, that is strange #2. Vinnie didn't have no little bro.
So we're sitting around Marcel's place, eating stuffed crust pizza, Mr. Clean making goo-goo eyes at APj,Apj worrying about Marcel's toga, and Marcel mixing more deadly drinks, when Marcel utters the words that spring me awake:
"Hey, why don't we smoke a bowl?"

SMOKE A BOWL!?!?!?!? I haven't heard that phrase in 20 years!!! I woke up cracking up.

Here's a copy of the email letter I wrote the next day:

Marcel,

I am exhausted -- you kept me up way too late last night! I mean, having pizza (stuffed crust, no less) delivered at midnight was one thing, but getting me to "smoke a bowl" at 2 am!?!?!? My god, man! What are you trying to do to me?

Nope -- it wasn't that.

Although it was odd that you were hitting on my friend, Linda, while you were wrapped in a towel. And now, in hindsight, it is even stranger that an ex-student of mine was wandering around outside wrapped in a towel....

But thanks so much for introducing me to your friend. I didn't know you knew the guy who played Vinnie Babarino's brother --heck, I didn't even remember that he had a brother! I'm not normally attracted to bald men -- but he was very handsome. I hope he calls.

Okay -- I've got to go back to teaching.....but I've got a horrible case of the munchies!

APj

Friday 55

Okay....I know that I'm early -- but I don't want to forget....or, truth be told, chicken out on posting this. So--here it is:

Your breath makes my lips wet,
With no regret
I close my eyes,
calm my knees and thighs
buckling and threatening to leave me
in a puddle of sighs.

Catching me catching mine,
Your eyes smile
--real or crocodile?
I'm not sure, but don't really care
Feeling Savior Faire
I dive into the deep end.

APj 11/07

Jayne doing ANOTHER survey....

I got this from Captain Wiffle:
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions...No repeats on songs!

Pick an artist: Rod Stewart

1. Are you a male or female?
Lady Luck

2. Describe yourself:
Hot Legs

3. How do you feel about yourself?
I Don’t Want to Talk About It.

4. Describe where you currently are:
Infactuation

5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Fooled Around and Fell in Love or Gasoline Alley

6. Your best friend is:
Three Time Loser

7. Your favorite color is:
Blue Moon

8. You know that:
Blondes Have More Fun

9. What's the weather like?
An Old Raincoat Won’t Ever Let You Down

10. If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
You Wear it Well or Reason to Believe

11. What is life to you?
Every Picture Tells a Story

12. What is the best advice you have to give?
The First Cut is the Deepest

13. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Maggie May or Sweet Little Rock and Roller

All About Me (again...or still....or whatevah)

Okay, I got this from Steph, who doesn’t care if you prefer coke or pepsi, or have ridden a roller coaster, nor what your last texty message said! (Humpf - friendly guy, eh?) BUT...he wants the answers to these questions. In fact, he dares people to answer them.

"Fine," I retort, "game on!"

1. When's the last time you had sex?
::dances nekkid around the room::: Didn’t you read the post!?!?!?

2. Did you orgasm?
Yes. I called out a few choice words and names. I’m very glad the people I called on didn’t show up.

3. Why or why not? Because it would not be a good time to come face to face with your Maker.
Omigawd—I said “come” “face” and “maker” in the same sentence. I am so going to Hell….

4. If you could punch someone in the face and have no consequences, who would you punch? George W. Bush

5. What's the 'worst' drug you've ingested? Are you wanting to know taste, trip, or trow-up? Taste has to have been the mushrooms in college. Ewwww. Trip has to have been some pill cocktail they gave me in high school. Trow-up has to have been the whiskey/wine/margarita night in my front yard. Last year. No more drunk-jayne.

6. What was your first rock concert?
Jefferson Starship. I had a crush on a guy that was with my group. He drove a Barracuda.

7. How old were you when you first got stoned?
Fourteen. Didn’t like it much – I was always too paranoid: “Everyone knows I’m stoned. I need to hide.”

8. Who was the worst influence in your life? One of my “friends” in high school.

9. Why were they such a bad influence? She caused me to doubt myself.

10. What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone else? Ask them.

11. Remember that one time you got revenge?
What did you do? Shhh…..I slept with an ex-boyfriends best friend. And then told said “best friend” to tell the ex!

(okay, maybe this should be for #10 also).

12. If you were going to kill yourself, what method would you use? Pills. Lots of them.

13. What's your biggest superstition?Lady with the Flashlight Eyes. She’s real.

14. Which celeb of the same sex would you like to bang?
Melissa Etheridge. Cause she’s got a gravelly low voice…and plays guitar…and sings…..::shiver::

15. Do you have porn in the house or saved on your computer? Definitely not on computer. I find most porn boring. I want the story, not just the bang. And I want hot guys—not the scary-huge-in-a-not-sexy way that seem to populate the pornos…

16. What's your most innocent 'fetish?'
I like to play with a man’s hair: run my fingers through it, twirl it, maybe just a little pull….

17. Why do you still lie to people? Because they keep believing me.

18. If the Bible means a lot to you and you tend to live by it, why do you choose to disobey one or more commandments? Because free will gets in the way. I choose to do the best I can on a daily basis, and know that I am loved and forgiven.

19. Can you even name the ten commandments?

Watch/listen and weep! Cause I can name that tune in less than ten seconds:

God, idols, oaths, rest, respect, murder, stealing, adultery, lying, lust.
Amazing. Yes. I know.

20. Do you feel like a hypocrite sometimes? Yes. For example, when people come into my classroom and say, “Wow! That must’ve taken you hours to do," and it’s something I tossed together that morning…

21. If you could just feel up a friend without consequence, who would it be?
Not gonna tell ya, ‘cause then I might lose the opportunity to feel him up for real! I’ve decided that the two-by-four-to-the-head plan aint so bad.

But hey: how about this? Why don't YOU tell me WHOM I should feel up?

22. Would you rather be deaf or blind?
I would rather be blind. I know so many of you would disagree – but to not hear music or a lover’s whisper ever again would be too painful…

23. If you HAD to choose one of these, would you rather be gay/straight (the opposite of what you are now) or have your pinkie sheared off?
Cut the pinkie off! I like boys- gay OR straight!

24. If you could kill anyone in history, no consequence, who BESIDES Hitler would it be?
George W. Bush. Before he became president and got us 9 trillion bucks in debt.

25. Teacher/Student sex scandals = icky, or kind of a turn on? Icky. VERY icky. As a woman, mother and a teacher, I just have to say that I am disgusted by the apparent double-standard.

26. Have you ever had an orgasm thanks to a sex toy?
Hel-LO!?!?!? Did you not read this post!?!?!?

27. Do you masturbate?? I’m too lazy – that’s what #26 is for.

28. How many times a week do you masturbate, on average? An average masturbation is not worth it. Go for stupendous, I always say.

29. Do you ever fantasize about someone other than who you're with?
Being as I’m not “with” someone, what do you think!?!?!? Oh…and did you somehow miss this post? Or this one?

30. If heaven exists, what do you hope to hear God say when you enter the Pearly Gates?
"You again, APj!?!?!? How many times are we going to have to send you back?"

For Erynn

I sang this song 22 years ago while I was pregnant with Erynn. When she came out screaming, (as babies do), I started singing this song, and she stopped crying. So, of course, this was her lullaby. I remember the first time she heard it on the radio -- and got mad at the way "that guy" was singing it! I think it still settles her heart -- so, Erynn, this is for you. Peace

Feeling colorful...

Yeah!!! A meme! I love these!
Are you a Spring? A Fall? Who the frick cares - I wanna know what crayon I am:

You Are Cameo Cameo?!? Like the jewelry? Or that bad 80's band? Come on, what color is cameo!?!?!?

You are understanding and very empathetic. Yes, I am very understanding, and can be empathetic. Unless I just think you're a whiner You don't tend to have acquaintances. Everyone is your friend. ...even the voices in my head. Actually, that should be "usually the voices in my head" --UNLESS THEY'RE BEING WHINEY!!! NO Whiners!! And all of your friends tend to be friends. You have a knack for bringing very different people together. (We prefer "unique." "Different sounds so....strange)

What Color Orange Are You?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm really not an orange person. Let's try another color. How about

You Are Teal Green (Now this even sounds better....teal.....)

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. (except maybe the voices in my head....) Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. True! True! I believe impossible actually is "I'm possible!" While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. My quirks are kept in the drawer, thank you. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have. Strange habits!?!?!? Humpf....you say, "Strange," I say, "eccentric." Both require batteries...

What Color Green Are You?

Happy Birthday to Me!

"Hello!? Mr. Zodiac? It's me -- APj --back to find out more about me."

"APj!?!? It's been a year or so - how've you been?"

"More of the same -- but I'm changing. I'm trying to come out of my shel-"

"Well, you know, APj, the Scorpion is one intense little creature, with enough poison in its own tail to disable or kill a much larger opponent.

"Hey - wait a minute -- I was just joking when I said that bit about hitting 'em over the head and dragging them down-"

"::ahem:: -but the problem with this kind of built-in biological weaponry is that it must be mastered in order to be used most effectively. You Scorpios can use your "stinger" for self-defense, using your powerful emotional awareness to render your opponent harmless. But there is a sexual component of poisonous tail also, and until you learn to control those strong urges, you may find yourself in uncomfortable situations.

"sorry -- you lost me at sex. and strong urges. but ya know -- it wasn't as uncomfort-"

"APj! Focus! We'll get off the sex-"

"heh-heh - you said get off-"

"FOCUS! Scorpio is the only sign that has three animal totems. First, there is the well-known Scorpion with its active tail. Second, as the Scorpio learns to master its passion and hold its instincts at bay, it changes into the Eagle. The Eagle has more perspective, for it flies high above the surface of circumstances, swooping down with its power only to kill prey for food. In its third form, the Scorpion becomes the always-peaceful dove.

"Cool! So I really can fly! I like that I'm changing-"

"The real meaning of Scorpio is thus shown. Scorpio is about metamorphosis."

"Wait - you'd better mean change, and not a stupid cockroach. I hated that book!"

"No, you are definitely not a cockroach. Your motto might be "What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious." You are the detectives of the zodiac. Your magnetic personality draws others to you."

"Yeah - but how come I seem to draw the ones I'm not interested in? Why do the ones I'm interested in remain....so.....secretive?"

"Perhaps because you can also be secretive yourself, for you learn early on that when you express everything, others may be scared by the power of your feelings. You desperately want to have someone to merge with your feelings, but can become cold and withdrawn when hurt in love. You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all."

"Mr. Zodiac, that is so true. I see this in me! When I feel vulnerable, I withdraw before I can be hurt. What else can you tell me?"

"APj, the New Moon in your sign this weekend turns up the heat in relationships."

"Mr. Zodiac, I don't have a relationship -- remember?"

"APj, whether you like it or not, your passion level is rising and you're not about to make compromises to get what you want.

"Yes, this is true. I learned the hard way that some compromises end up making everyone involved miserable."

"Hold firm: if your intensity pushes someone away, then this person doesn't have what it takes to keep you happy in the long run.

"I want someone who can go the distance -- even if I've got to stop for a breather..."

"APj, I know that it's your birthday"

"Yup! Woo-hoo! What's on the horizon for the day, Mr. Z?"

"APj, You have extravagant tastes, but that's only because you believe you deserve the best of everything.
"Duh. It is, after all, ALL ABOUT ME!!!"
Born with a healthy portion of self-esteem, you have no problem going after what you want in the world -- and getting it!
"Humpf! May have been true of the APj twenty years ago -- and yes, I am striving to regain that boldness!"

"That's the spirit Little Warrior! Don't be afraid to grow beyond yourself. Your ruling planet Pluto crosses paths with attractive Venus, anchoring your sensual needs to the heat at the bottom of the volcano."

"Okay - you said attractive....sensual....heat.....bottom....and volcano. Not only did I go to the store and squeeze the melons, I crumbled the cookies and had to take a shower..."

"Come back from the store. Forget about the store! It is no longer about the store! You are not likely to have a lighthearted attraction now. This is either about passionate love or intense hate, and possibly both. Make whatever allowances are necessary for anyone who is not able to join you in the profound depth of your current feelings."

So, my friends, there it is: APj's birthday horoscope. According to Mr. Z and Me, I'm turning a corner, taking risks, and jumping off the mountain. Anybody feel like skydiving?

Edit: oops -- post showed wrong date. Actual b-day is Nov.5th. Guy Fawkes Day. Woo-hoo, long live anarchy! Blow something (up) today!

The Importance of ending Consonants

I love my job.
Not only because I enjoy educating/tormenting the youthoftoday/leadersoftomorrow
--but--
because often I get such good material from the most innocent encounters.
Take thursday, for instance:
As I walked by a group of students and a teacher working in a small group outside, the teacher flagged me down.
"Ms. Day! Can you help me? Bebopaloo Lou is having trouble saying this word. She is saying something different...very different...."
I'm thinking, "Oh for crying out loud..."
But, of course, respond, "Certainly. What seems to be the problem?"
This was a group of students for whom English is a second language. So they work in small groups practicing their speaking skills. One of the activities they do is to use photographs of everyday items and experiences and have conversations using the "new" word.

Here is the photograph they were working with.
...Stay with me....don't jump ahead......
So I'm thinking about the dialogue practice that the student and I could have:

Me: I like honey-roasted peanuts. What kind of peanuts do you like?
Bebopaloo: I would rather have salted peanuts, or perhaps chocolate-covered peanuts.
Me: Have you ever been to a restaurant where they throw the peanut shells on the floor?
Bebopaloo: No, I haven't. But I think it would be fun to step on peanut shells.

...again, please stay with me......I swear I didn't see it coming....

"Okay Bebopaloo Lou. Do you know what these are?"
"Yes, Ms. Day. Penus."

As the teacher turned her head, and I choked back a laugh....the above dialogue took on a whole different......flavor......(go ahead....read the dialogue again....I'll wait)

Yes, yes, I ::ahem:: adjusted her speech and got her pronouncing the "ts" at the end of the word. No, no, she never knew that I was laughing inside....