Dear Toys R Us,
I am so sorry to be returning my Oh-Baby-Baby-Youscream/Iscream, deluxe remote control version. I know it it not your policy to refund any money, but I am hoping you will make an exception. You see, my mojo has been....slow-mo'd.
My friends, Superman Steve sent me a link to a chap he thought I would be interested in. "You have so much in common: divorce, going back to school as an adult, religion, cowboy hats...." Being a little leary, err, leery of the whole internet dating thing, I went and looked.
And almost immediately the Youscream function malfunctioned. Or perhaps I just couldn't hear it over my own cries for help..... (OMG, but WTF is that tattoo on his very pale-white-dark-hairy-chest!?!?!?!)
After composing myself, I informed Superman Steve that this match was less then satisfactory, and requested a new match. One that wasn't quite so pale.....so complacent.....so talkative. "Never fear," reassured Steve. Within days, he had another match for me. "And," he enthused, "this time you have a choice! There are four to pick from!"
Sadly, even the Iscream function no longer works....
I hope you will reconsider your refund policy on this occassion.
p.s. If any of your employees would like to replace Superman Steve as my dating guru, a position is available.