Having been single for the past three years after having been with Voldemort for twenty has led to some interesting and amusing adventures. This whole “dating” thing sucks – really! Or, perhaps dating doesn’t suck – maybe I just suck at dating. Seriously! Strange things seem to happen when I go on a date. --Or am interested in a guy. --Or a guy is interested in me.
So here begins a short series on my dating disasters.
So…. I had been going through a dry spell. Okay – let’s call it what it really was: a drought!. Symptoms: Parched, dehydrated, hallucinating and rambling. Geez, if I’d have known that being single was so bad for my skin, I might have kept Voldemort
--but I digress.
Drought. Dehydrated. Rambling. And Dry. Very dry.
So my friend, D, in all her wisdom, fixes me up with a fella. “Oh, Jayne! He’s really cute! Blue eyes, brown hair, nice butt.” No mention of employment. No Profit and Loss Statement. No Financial statement.
Just “nice butt.”
Sad that my friends know how truly shallow I can be.
“Really, Jayne – I think you’ll like him. I’m going to give him your phone number.”
And so, a few nights later, my phone rings.
“Is this Jayne?”
“That depends; who’s calling?”
“My name is A, I’m D’s friend.”
“Hello, A! How are you?”
and yada-yada-yada. We talked on the phone a few times – I was charming and witty (as usual), and procured a date. A face-to-face date. Geez, just the thought of a date sent me scurrying to the loo with I.B.S.
“Hey Jayne! How are you?”
“Terrible! I’m meeting A tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna die from dehydration –“
“But the drought is over—“
“No, not from the drought! From I.B.S.! Every time I think about tomorrow I gotta shit!”
Hysterical laughter erupts from the phone piece…..
“D! I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”
“Doo!!?!? You gotta doo!?!?!?”
Deciding that D was of no help, I got off the phone and stewed about my upcoming date: which led to three trips to the restroom. Good thing I purchase paper products in bulk.
The topper of the evening is the phone call from D’s daughter and her boyfriend.
“Jayne. Mom says you’re nervous. Okay – here’s what you do: Meet him at the restaurant so you have your car. Go ahead and have a drink, ‘cause it will relax you. But don’t have more than two (boyfriend screams, “have three – be easy!”). Wear something blue, but not sleazy (boyfriend chimes, “sleazy works for me!”). And it’s okay to kiss him at the end of the evening (boyfriend adds, “slip him the tongue!”)”
Yup. I ran, not skipped, to my loo.
The following day, I was ready for my date with A at 4:30. Unfortunately, my date was not until 6:00. Hmmmm…perhaps a wee bit anxious, eh? Time and two trips to the loo later it was time to go.
It was easy to spot A at the restaurant – and yes, D was right: beautiful blue eyes, great hair, and omigawd what a nice butt…….
I don’t need to bore you (any further than I already have) with the date details. Suffice it to say that I was, again, charming and witty. After we ate dinner, we went across the street and had a drink. After the drink we strolled around and went and had coffee. I, and my colon, were both doing well. Around midnight he walked me back to my car.
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmyhands?”
Yes, amazing how all the words blur together in your brain, eh? We’re walking across the parking lot, and he is holding my hand and telling me what a great time he had, and how he would like to see me again. At least, that’s what I think he said. There’s so much noise in my head, probably from that internal conversation, that it’s hard to hear him—
“So,” he says as we arrive at my car—
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmy—“
“—Jayne, thanks for a really great evening,”
and he leans in closer
and I hold my breath
and he starts to wrap his arms around me
and I hold my breath
and suddenly we are bathed in light from above. No, not aliens. Just the friendly Fresno County Sheriff heliocopter. Looking for hooligans. Or perhaps Voldemort was following me…..who knows?
All I know is that the potential kiss became a hug. All engines on shut down. Houston, there is no problem, so Good Night!
…..and that’s why I’m not dating!