First Kiss

Okay – I had a dream the other night. Great dream! All about – well, let’s just say that I woke up smiling. I’m working on a poem about the dream – may be done over the weekend. Maybe not.
But the dream got me thinking/reminiscing. Do you remember your first kiss? I don’t mean that first lips-brush-or-almost-touch kiss. I mean, your first-skyrockets-in-flight kiss. I do. I was almost fifteen –
--hey, I started late. Made up for lost time. What can I say?

--I was almost fifteen……Lincoln Nebraska…….Hot summer night……..Brother’s best friend……

Susan and Jayne were sitting on the front step, enjoying the rare cool evening breeze.
“He’s so hot!”
“Shhhhh, Susan! He’s gonna hear you”
“So! He is so-o-o-o fine! I think you oughta kiss him,” Susan challenged, “Comeon! Dontcha even think about kissing him?”
“Think about it!?!?!?” Jayne thought to herself, “It’s ALL I think about.”
“How long was he at St. Francis Hone for Boys? Was he there the whole time your brother was?”
“Yes! Now shut up! He’s coming!”
Mike came around the corner of the house, all badboy swagger, guitar in hand.
“Hey, little foxes! What’s kicking?”
“Oh nothing,” replied Susan as she stood, “But I’ve gotta jet! I haveta babysit the demons down the street! Later, toothless-gator!”
Jayne gave their standard reply, “Yeah! ‘be wise, bubble-eyes!”
Jayne suddenly realized that Mike was still standing over her. “What about you, little fox? You gonna run home too? Or you wanna hang with me?”
Jayne felt an unfamiliar warmth spread from her ears to her toes. The blush left her unsteady as she rose to his challenge, and with all the breath and bravado she could muster she retorted, “Home! Silly boy! I’m already home – don’t gotta run nowheres! Where you gonna hang?’
The last gleam of the setting sun bounced off his blonde hair, and planted itself firmly in his left green eye. With a nod of his head he leaned in and whispered, “Going up to the schoolyard.” He leaned in a bit closer. “ Gonna finish that song I sang you.” He leaned in even closer. “Wanna go?” His mustached lips grazed Jayne’s cheek, and Jayne felt the color rise again. “How ‘bout it, little fox? Think you can hang?”
For the first and possibly only time, the quick retort eluded Jayne. “Um-hmm,” was all she could say.

The schoolyard was dimly lit. The Motocross boys were over in corner – jumping the stairs. Jayne was vaguely aware that a basketball game going on. She felt the bark of the tree scratching her back. But all she could hear was Mike, guitar, and the end of his song. “-But this is all I have to give.”
“Geez, Mike. That’s a beautiful song. Who’s it for?”
“Her name was Amanda. But I don’t want to talk about her.” Mike set the guitar down and lazed out on the ground, gazing upward, propped up on his elbows. “You’ve got the most amazing eyes.” He scooted closer, placing his head in Jayne’s lap. “What color are your eyes, anyway?” He brushed Jayne’s stray hair back in place, but left his hand in her hair, pulling her face closer, as if to see, “I thought they were blue – but in this light they look green” and he pulled her face even closer—
Jayne felt as if her heart were going to leap from her chest. He smelled like the woods – overwhelming and intoxicating all at once. “Holy shit,” she thought. “I think he’s going to kiss me! He’ll be able to tell that I’ve never—“
“Ah, I see little fox! They’re blue and green. Such dangerous eyes for such a young little fox—“
And Jayne felt the brush of his mustache just to the left of her lower lip. Instinctively she turned towards the tickle, and found her lips entwined with Mikes. His tongue ever so gently caressed first her upper, then her lower lip, and then cautiously ventured in.
Jayne’s heart was racing. It seemed that every spot on her face touched by his tongue was atingle and aquiver. She grew brave, sending her tongue into his mouth, tasting him. She no longer heard the bikes or the basketball, she only heard her heart racing. She no longer felt the tree behind her or the ground beneath. In fact, she found her hands in his hair and on his chest, pulling him closer because she felt like she was floating, knocked off her feet.
“Whoa, little fox. Where’d you learn to kiss like that? Your brother’ll kick my ass, this goes any further…”
Slowly standing up, Mike offered a hand to Jayne, as she stumbled. “Looks like you’re a bit dizzy—“
Jayne found enough breath to muster, “Musta been the kiss.”


postscript: No, this is not the same Mike I was married to. But, if I count this one, it means that I've had five (count them, 5) Mikes. I cannot date another Mike. Although I really do like the name....obviously....I just can't.

Here I go....again!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about APj!

1. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about APj!
2. The average duration of sexual intercourse for APj is two minutes.
3. Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from APj.
4. APj will often glow under UV light!
5. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating APj from each salad served in first class.
6. APj is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
7. APj was originally called Cheerioats.
8. APj is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
9. It is impossible to fold APj more than seven times.
10. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are APj.

1. Are you scratching your ear? Stop talking about me! Still scratching?

2. This is so wrong......sex must first be STARTED before there can be any DURATION!

3. Kien? Marcel? Care to shed any light on this one?

4. & 6. Hey. Play the right notes on said instrument and I can guarantee glow - UV light or not!

5. Frick American Airlines. and Frick First class while we're at it.

7. Wrong, again. I was originally called SuperSugarSmacks.

8. Not stripped -- err I mean STRIPED at all. Geez -- where do they get this info? STAR Magazine!?!?!?

9. Trust me. You'd be lucky to get her folded twice, let alone seven times. And why would we want to fold her seven times!?!?

10. This is just an outright, blatant lie. If I was doing this much dating, I probably could be folded seven times.....

Sunday's Prayer

I have morning and evening bits I do, that involve reading, thinking, writing, and conversing. One of my bits this morning included the line, "Do not fear, only believe" which
has been/is/and will continue to be one of my favorites.

But simple as it sounds, it is something I struggle with -- letting go of the fear in so many different situations. I decided to really allow myself to be vulnerable - to "not fear, only believe" -- and share my conversation:

Do not fear, only believe.
But believing means that I’ve got to step off the mountain, step off the cliff
Dive into air
And travel at a speed approaching sound and light
As a feather, but I’m heavy like a rock
And rocks can’t fly, they fall
Not free
Just fall

So You call to me “Do not fear, only believe”
But I tried that, and look where it got me
Got milk?
So catchy, but I’m becoming more lactose intoler
Ranting on and on boring myself, boring
Holes into my own brain and psyche.
Psyching myself up again to believe
I can fly,
Not fall,
But fly.

And You encourage me, “Do not fear, only believe”
But where do You get off telling to not fear,
When fear is a dish You’ve never really tasted?
Yes, Pain was your main
Coursed through your vein, but fear? Never
Fear, for You knew for certain what lay at the end of your rocky road
Ice cream.

I scream, “How can I not fear?
Fair it is not! And damn it I do believe
That I can fly! But I also know I could die
Jumping off that cliff
Diving into the air.
I know that I could fall
Not free,
Just fall
Like a rock.

And again, You whisper,
“Do not fear, only believe…..”

Skydiving Bare -- err -- Bear

Polar bear - I love Sky



OMIGAWD - THIS MADE ME LAUGH REALLY HARD!!!!!

I AM A BUTTER BEAN!

Okay, I had to pass this on. This came from my sister, JoJo in Texas. Once I stopped laughing, and I picked myself up off the floor, I decided I had to share with ya'll.

What's Your Southern Sign?
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand:
See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful- they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Butter Beans and Catfish.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. OMIGAWD -- THIS IS SO-O-O-O ME! I do get along with everybody -- err, except Voldemort, and who wants HIM at a party!?!?!? And yes, I do steer clear of Moon Pies - I never did develop an affinity for them. Although, I do like HoHo's and DingDongs.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Satan's Pitchforks

I do not allow them in my house – especially those round wooden ones. Occasionally my mother tries to sneak them in when she comes to visit. I remind her that if she wants me to be kind to her in her drooling years, that those instruments of the devil – those things she refers to as “toothpicks”
--but that I KNOW are Satan’s pitchforks –
are NOT allowed on the premises.
“WHY!?!?!?”

I don’t remember what I was doing when “IT” happened. Actually, much of the time around the “incident” is a blur – but I’m sure that’s common. Ask anyone who’s been attacked by Satan – and they remember the attack. But they probably don’t remember exactly what they were doing. I know I was in my room. I know I was walking. And suddenly I was crumpling.

I immediately removed a tiny wooden sliver from my foot.

“Mom!”
“Yes, dear!”
“Mom! I stepped on one of your toothpicks…AGAIN!”
‘Te-hee, te-hee!”
“Yeah, right! Really funny!”

Unfortunately, no one was laughing at three o’clock in the morning.
“Jaynee, what’s wrong sweetie?”
“My foot—it’s throbbing! It feels hot – and it hurts when it touches the covers, an—“
“Jaynee, sweetie. I’m not taking you to the Emergency Room. It costs $500 to walk in the door (hey, it was 1976) --just—“
“I don’t want to go to the Emergency Room!! I just want to go to sleep”
“Jaynee, sweetie – I’ll take you to the doctor first thing in the morning. I promise. Just try to rest.”

Of course, Satan would not let me rest. Whenever my foot came into contact with anything, pain would shoot up my leg, sending me into convulsions, which inevitably would cause my foot to touch something else – which kept Satan entertained and me in tears all night.

True to her word (as my Mother still is), she called the Doctor first thing, and I soon found myself waiting in the room for the doctor.
But I didn’t get the Doctor…..I got Espy, Satan’s protégé.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked Espy.
“Well, I stepped on a toothpick yesterday, and it still—“
“You’ve got a sliver!?!?”
“Well, I don’t know….I thought I got it out. Maybe it hit someth—“
“You’ve got a sliver?” Espy sneered, “and your Mommy couldn’t get it out?”
“I don’t know! All I know is that it hur—“
“Here,” Espy snarled, “let me take a look at the poor baby’s foot.”
And with that, she grabbed my throbbing foot, and started prodding and poking. ‘Hmmm, it does look like there’s someth—“ As I increased my death grip on the bed and my mother’s arm, Espy grabbed a pair of needlenose pliers
--okay, okay, it was a pair of hemostats – but it felt like pliers
--and began to dig in the hole in the bottom of my foot.
--my throbbing foot.
“Yes! There is something – I’ve almost—“ As Espy dug deeper, twisting the pliers (yeah – pliers!), I could see her horns curling, her tail lashing,. My mother insists that she saw none of that – but I’m sure I did
“Yes! I’ve got it!”
And with a triumphant yell, Espy pulls the pliers from my foot. The blood drains from my head. Her horns and tail disappear, and I see Satan vacate her body, leaving only a very apologetic Espy-the-nurse….holding ½ of a bloody toothpick. A very bloody toothpick.
“Oh sweetie,” Espy murmurs, “I’m so sorry. I should have given you something for the pain!”
Yeah, you should have. Bitch.

But, it has given me and my family another great line:
“I’m not taking you to the Emergency Room – it costs $_________ to walk in the door...”

Six Degrees of Weirdness

I was tagged by Lelly-across-the-pond to write "Six weird facts/habits about yourself".
The Rules:-- Post six weird facts/habits about yourself. These cannot be used against you later on! At the end of the post name the six people you will tag next. Leave them a comment to let them know they've been tagged and to read your blog. And away we go...

1. Okay – this one most of you are already familiar with: I don’t like my food to touch each other. (Hey, if I’m not intermingling, why should my food?). If the gravy touches the veggies, I don’t eat those veggies. Meat juice on the cranberries mean contaminated cranberries! I wish they made fine china dinnerware with divided compartments
2. I hate styrofoam! I can’t drink from it, ‘cause it makes a funny noise, and it feels so strange. If I get something that is packed in styrofoam, it almost kills me to unpack it, ‘cause I know that it’s gonna make that awful squeaky sound as I pull it out of the box. Geez, just thinking about it makes my shoulders tense, and the hair on my arms stand up.
3. Endcaps of the bread loaf. Know what I’m talking about? That crust piece on each end of the loaf – I don’t eat it. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Worst than the crust, (which I have learned to eat). But do I throw the endcap away? Nope. I use it as a lid for the rest of the bread. In my mind, I think it’s keeping the rest of the bread fresh….or that I’m not wasting it by throwing it out. BUT I’M NOT GOING TO EAT IT – SO!?!?!?!?!?!?
4. All drawers and doors (closet, cupboard, etc.) MUST be closed PRIOR to me going to bed. Actually -- they've just gotta be closed. Why?!?!? Because the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes! Yeah, right -- read it again if you think it's just a nightmare. Maybe she'll come to YOUR house....
5. If I have left-over food, I have to eat it within 2 days. Otherwise I think that cooties have invaded and attacked it. And if more than 5 days have passed, I will usually throw the container away. I don’t want to open it. I don’t want to smell it. This is why:
a. I don’t have a lot of nice containers
b. Most of the containers I have are made by “Ziplock” – so I don’t feel guilty about tossing them.
6. First off, for those of you not familiar with the current public school system, I want you to travel to “back-in-the-day.” Remember school lunches? Remember those cute little milk cartons? Remember Fridays? When you could choose regular or chocolate milk? Well, now the students can choose regular -- or chocolate -- even strawberry! And not just on Fridays – but EVERY day….. But it doesn’t come in a carton anymore…. Seems those cute little cartons took up too much space in the landfill, blah-blah-blah. Nope, no more cute little boxes that you could save and make into a flower pot or barbie house furniture. No sir-ree. Instead of milk-in-a-carton, please welcome……..milk-in-a-bag. Yup. Milk-in-a-bag. Looks like a boob-implant. Sweartogawd, a boop-implant. And a pink boob-implant is just so wrong…..


Hmmm.....so who to tag? how's 'bout: Lecram, Kien, Kowboi, Glojo, Bees Knees, Lime, and the Virgin.

yes, yes, I know -- it's seven. That's why I don't teach math.....

Sometimes, you just k-n-o-w....

It used to freak Voldemort out – I would “just know” things: One time I hounded him for a week – I knew there was something—but he wouldn’t fess up. He kept saying it was nothing. And then he came home…..with a $4000 horse. Anoher time: he was working the graveyard shift (as a cop) – I bolted out of bed, ran to the phone and told him to “be careful about the bridge. The white bridge right after you come over a small hill.” “Honey, “ (that was back when there was love…), “Honey, there aren’t any bridges or hills out here! It’s just a bad dream. Go back to sleep….” He said it didn’t dawn on him until the drive home….as he crested a small hill, he quickly slammed on the brakes just as he came over the top of the hill…….and found a little white bridge over a small creek (swollen to a raging river) was washed out.

But that should all be over, right? I shouldn’t be “in tune” anymore, right?

Wrong. I’ve had a feeling over the past few weeks – that something bad was going to happen with Voldemort. I actually was afraid that I was going to run into him somewhere/see him/etc.

But there he was – on the front section of the local paper. “Officer involved shooting/fatality.” Looking at the picture – I knew he was involved. I called our daughter and told her to call her dad, and to call his folks (they don’t talk to him nowadays either).

An hour later, Voldemort called.
“Erynn called. Did she see the news?”
“No. I called her because I saw it in the paper.”
“The paper said I was involved?”
“No. I just knew.”
“You still know things? Like before?”
“Yeah. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
He proceeded to give me details – that I really can’t share. I could tell he was still shaken, so I let him talk. But I spent the afternoon freaking because I knew. I don’t want that bond with him. I don’t want to feel connected to him. . I’m glad he’s okay. Even though I’m glad he’s not in my life, I guess I really ain’t ready for him to not be alive.

So, my Rogues -- bear/bare with me. I'm a bit wobbly.

--this is all JADE'S fault.....

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

okay - so there really isn't anything wrong with wanting to be worshipped, right? I mean, why SHOULD I settle!!?!?!? Get out of my way, minions!!!

You Are Storm

Exotic and powerful, Storm descended from a line of African priestesses. Emotions can effect your powers, but you are generally serene. Powers: controlling weather, creating winds that lift you into flight, generating lightning

">

But since both those names are already taken.....and SAG insists that only ONE person can have a PARTICULAR NAME..... I will be known as:

Your Elf Name Is...

Candy Sugar Butt

What's Your Elf Name?

But my close friends can call me.............yup...........you guessed it.... sweet cheeks!!

Ten Little Letters....

I got this idea over at addict's place. Actually, Lecram told me about it, and thought it was right up my alley.

List ten things you want to say to ten people you know but you never will, for whatever reason…Don’t say who they are.Use each person only once:

1. You are my bright star – my quasar. I am so afraid that you will burn yourself out, or shoot across the sky in one final blaze of glory, and leave me (and the world) before your time. I am in awe of your talent, beauty, humor and grace. I love you, and will continue to do anything for you.

2. How active is your role in my day-to-day life? Why am I expected to give you credit for the good, but you have no responsibility for the bad? Is my Will really free?

3. I remember the first time I saw you: I think I was attracted to the attraction around you. Kind of like moths are drawn to a flame – they know on some level that it’s going to be the end of them, but they can’t help it; they’ve gotta “go to the light.” I knew that it was no good, and that I’d end up fried – but I stayed, basking in the light. And yes, I did get burned... But I’ve also rediscovered that I’m a pretty damn bright light myself. But not the burney/singey kind.

4. I wish I was attracted to you, because we share so much in common. But I’m not, so this is all the “this," that this will ever be.

5. Losing you hurt almost as bad as losing him. You were such an integral part of my life for 20 years, and to have that change in the span of one phone call was devastating. There are days when I find myself almost picking up the phone and calling you, but I don’t know if I’m ready (or if I’ll ever be ready) to have you in my life. But I am sorry that he doesn’t call you anymore. And I want you to know that I forgive you.

6. You know, he doesn’t deserve you, but I’m so glad he has you. He has blossomed into a wonderful, confident man, and that is due (largely) to you. I’m glad that I’ve had the opportunity over the past two years to get to know you.

7. I am sorry. I will shout it from whatever mountain top you desire. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sorry you got hurt. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve started to call to tell you something funny – and then stopped. Because I’m afraid you won’t answer the phone. Because I’m afraid you’ll say something mean. Because I’m afraid. Please can we move forward from this point? I miss you.

8. Please do not look back and focus on all the wouldacouldashoulda’s. You have had the biggest influence on my life. I am bullet-proof because you told me I was bullet-proof. I can succeed at anything because you believed I could. You are an amazing person.

9. When he left you, you never thought you’d be alone this long. He always said that you wouldn’t stay alone or lonely for long. So why are you still alone? Why are you still lonely? What is it that you are doing, or not doing? It’s time to shit or get off the pot. Now.

10. Am I attracted to the ripples on your surface, or the danger below? I want to swim the pools in your eyes, but I fear the sharks that may reside. There’s a crowd behind me that’s screaming “Dive, dive, dive!” I even hear that voice in my head encouraging me to try. But it is so-o-o-o- safe on the side of the pond. Perhaps if you take my hand…..

A Year in the Life of APj

Okay, so Lelly told me I had to post my 1 year Anniversary post…..and I always do what people on that side of the pond tell me to do…..


April 2005 told the story of naming Airplane Jayne.
I love that twenty years later, I’m still Airplane Jayne, never plain.
I love that people that didn’t even know me when I was skydiving call me APj.
I love that I’ve a line in a song about finding my name high above the clouds.

May 2005 was a time of Vanity and broken things.
My vanity is the first thing you see when you walk in my house. It reminds me that a true gift from the heart lasts longer than all the pretty packaging. My crooked leg reminds me that every day is a gift, regardless of the packaging.

June 2005 found me spilling my heart,
Sharing my mantra about waters that part.
My faith is an important aspect of me – and I love that my friends accept me as I am. I know that I am on the path I’m supposed to be on – because the waters keep parting as I keep moving forward.

July 2005 was busy, and drama-full.
Inventory was taken and tallied,
Jayne’s throat drama caused her friends to rally.
Okay – can I just say that I never want to go ten days without talking!?!?!?

August 2005 was a month of discovery and reflection:
We discovered a man who took responsibility for gagging APj,
Jayne remembered a skygod with abs, eyes and thighs (oh my!)
Which sent Jayne to the store. Oh yes, and kien shared that he went to the store to buy bread. Twice.

September 2005 was trip down the toilet:
We discovered APj really does have a potty mouth,
And potty issues.
Oh, btw – the latest potty dream: bought a new house, moved into it at night. Checked out the bathroom – very nice, but no toilet. Asked, “where’s the loo?” Agent just pointed out the door. I followed pointing finger out the front door. My white toilet stood, in all it’s naked porcelean glory, two houses down, next to the bus stop.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!

October 2005 found Jade waxing on blood and condoms, so I shared my birthday story of
midget dolls (not dwarves), waiters, and condoms.

Always remember, the month of November
And the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes.
Yes, she still scares me half to death – all doors/drawers/cupboards must be closed prior to sleepage.

December 2005 left with a bang as it crashed
January told of the demise of Kermit the smashed.
And once again, my Rogues came thru with calls, dancing, and food!

March 2006 found me Rogue’d hard and put away
With offers of maps, and youngsters wanting to play,
I instead chose a trip to Disneyland
Where Jayne was tipped upside-down
And kien used the word awesome (at Disney and Getty)

April 2006 found Jayne at the hardware store,
Which sent Mustang into fits galore,
And SSM ranting about buttfloss,
Which was a nice change from his usual rants….

May 2006 was a fantasy topless strut of free will
By the quixotic quasar on a quest with her quill.


To all my blog friends – thanks for the love and abuse.

"Q" Factor of APj

Lecram assigned the letter "Q" to me. How perfect! Explore APj's "Q" Factor. Of course, we'll skip the obvious: Quirky (duh. everyone in this group is), Queen (hel-LO! it IS all about me!), and queer (no I'm not, but I tend to be attracted to them....)

Quagmire – My married life had disintegrated into a messy one. Michael had metamorphosed from my fun skydiving lover into Voldemort. I prayed for him to change back to the man I loved – but that prayer, although hopeful, proved unrealistic. My prayer for peace was answered, strangely, by Voldemort serving me with divorce papers three days before Christmas, 2002.

Quixotic - It seems that all my life I have been plagued/blessed by imaginative and hopeful, albeit unrealistic ideas. What’s wrong with chasing windmills? Have you ever ridden one? Hmmm…..remind me to tell you the story of riding the windmill at Anderson’s Split Pea Restaurant And somehow, I’ve been cursed with the heart of a hopeless romantic and the mind of a cynic. Ah, but between heart and mind lies a clever tongue, always ready with a --

Quip – I have always had a sharp wit. I love a clever comeback! To banter back and forth with someone…..One of my favorite movie pairings of all times has got to be Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn:
Richard Sumner:Now what is the first thing you notice in a person?
Bunny Watson: Whether the person is male or female.

Quiescent – Many of you may scoff when I say that I am quiescent at times. “What!?!?! Apj!?!?!?! Quiet or inactive!?!?!? Surely you jest….” No, I don’t jest….and don’t call me Shirley. (heh-heh, a quip…). Growing up as one of six children, I enjoy my space, peace and quiet. But, also because I was one of six, I need people around me…..(hmmmm……there’s my quixotic nature coming thru again…..)

Quiver – the reaction I would love to inspire…….are you there yet? Please try again….

Quasar – hmmm…..Mr. Webster insists that this is an object in space with a bright center – but tis how a classmate described me in high school. Of course, since I didn’t take physics, I didn’t exactly know what he was trying to say…..and since I was clueless back then, I didn’t realize until years later that he had a crush on me…..

Quest – The journey I’ve been on has been fantastic. Although part of me would love to change aspects of it, I know that every encounter/adventure/joy/sorrow has led me this far and shaped who I am. I know that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and walking where I’m supposed to be walking.
Being able to draw on my experiences for strength and encouragment has helped to keep going.

Quitter – Something I am not! Unfortunately, this sometimes has led to me refusing to get out of the boat as it is sinking (see quagmire above). But usually – this character trait has been more of a benefit than a burden. Not quitting led me through a divorce and into a career that I love.

Quill – My pen has become my companion and confidante. This blog was started because a friend (thanks Lecram) told me I needed to start writing again. I am happy.

Quintessence - The combination of all my “Q factors” forms and molds me, hopefully into the most perfect “ME” that I can be.

Why I'm Not Dating......#3

Yeah, yeah....so I'm supposed to write about SSM's coming home party. But damnit!! I'm not writing this blog for him -- please remember: It IS all about me, right!?!?!? And, lets remember: I have not had a date in forever.... "What the hell!! Perhaps there'll be some attractive and available man that meets my criteria: job, hair, teeth. Okay, in the proper order: hair, teeth, job. Okay, okay, hair and teeth are tied for first, then job...
but I digress.
Man market!! We all know the Tower is the hetro male hotbed. Surely I could find some guy interested in buying me a drink. Marcel and I started the evening - actually, he and Jimmy had started before me. I ordered my one "big girl" drink -- mostly so that Mr. Mike would let me stay. And we waited for SSM. And I scoped the joint for hot hetro guys. scoping, scoping..... The kowboi showed up, and immediately took his shirt off (geez! he's almost as hairy as SSM.... I think they might be related......)and basked in the attention from the nubile young 'uns at the bar. Hmmmmmm....maybe he's onto something.....maybe.....I too, should take my shirt off......perhaps, I should become "shirtless girl!" Finding strength in my one big girl drink, and encouragement from Nic (whose hair, by the way, looked Mah-va-lous), I retreated to the Loo, and took my shirt off. The girls didn't look too bad. Okay, okay, after I squinted and removed three of the lightbulbs the girls didn't look too bad. Awesome animal print skirt (the troubadour would SO-O-O-O-O- luv this one.....)And hey, the gams ain't so bad.... Taking a deep breath(Uh-huh, the deep breath was primarily to suck in what I could of my gut....) , I exited the Loo. Strutting the length of the restaurant I could hear the encouraging calls from the patio. "Giggy! Giggy!" came the calls. "Uh-huh!" I thought to myself, "I am so giggy!" I felt empowered. Jauntily tossing the door open, I made my entrance onto the patio. "You want Giggy!?!? Here we--" I began.
The 100 people packed into the patio had not been,"giggy! giggy!" but had instead, been cheering, "Jimmy! Jimmy!"

Once again, I have been upstaged by that dyslexic foreigner, Lecram. Lecram and that damn hand - Jimmy.

And that, my friends, is SO-O-O-O why I am NOT dating.....

welcome the frick home, SSM.
Dance, monkeyboy, dance.

An Evening of Reflection

After a week filled with a field trip, a wedding, 147 7th graders, and two late evenings, I spent last night on “downtime.” Barefoot, sans makeup, glasses and sweats on the couch getting caught up on all the shows that I DVR’d and haven’t watched. BTW – DVR – great invention. Tape loads of stuff, watch just a bit.
--So I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy (hey, I wish Dr. McDreamy would Mcrip my clothes off and have his Mcway with me), and something funny happened. I laughed and turned to share it –
and remembered that I was alone.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t miss Voldemort – but I miss having some other body here.

I don’t miss the dirty clothes dropped randomly around the house,
But I miss the smell of his shirt,
Sometimes I miss it so much it hurts.

I don’t miss the accusations and hateful words
But I miss the playful banter
And shared jokes.

I don’t miss walking on eggshells and broken glass,
Waiting for the next eruption,
But I miss hearing someone else’s footsteps in the house.

I don’t miss the money battles,
The "giving in" instead of "compromising,"
But I miss having someone to share the financial concerns.

I don’t miss the way he could make me seem bad, fat, ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, weak, sad, and inferior.
But I miss the way he could make me feel.

"4 Me" Meme

Okay -- I stole this from Solitaire, because I'm not ready with the latest installment of my woeful dating history......I promise to have it up by the weekend so ya'll can laugh, snort, snicker, or whatever other noises you care to make.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Waitress
2. Retail clerk
3. Asst. Controller/Accountant
4. Middle school teacher - (current and favorite!!)

Four movies I would watch over and over :
1. Wizard of Oz
2. Edward Scissorhands
3. Young Frankenstein
4. Ladyhawke
Obviously, I am not anchored in reality: munchkins, men with sharp fingers, doctors in denial, women as birds and men as wolves. Okay, that last one could be reality…..

Four places I have lived:
1. Fresno, CA
2. Lincoln, NE
3. Plattsburgh, NY
4. Salina, KS
Uh-huh – life as a military brat. But with six kids, we never went overseas with my dad….hmmm, no wonder me mom’s nuts….

Four TV shows I love to watch :
1. Lost
2. Alias
3. Veronica Mars
4. House
Mysterious island, women that kick ass, and doctors in denial……

Four cancelled TV shows I miss:
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2. Firefly
3. Angel
4. La Femme Nikita
Again: women that kick ass..

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Hong Kong
2. Fiji
3. Hawaii
4. Disneyland
#2 & #3 were with Voldemort – but were still fun!! #1 was a year ago to get my niece. And most recent #4 was with my Rogue bodyguard.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On vacation in London
2. On location with Brad Pitt
3. On Motivational adventure
4. On recreational vehicle
Thus proving that even in reality, I'm not anchored in reality....

Jumping Jayne!!!

picture taken after "big accident." That's me in the tan jumpsuit with the red helmet.

Here are the four most common questions I ever got about skydiving....and my answers:

Q: Why would anyone jump from a perfectly good airplane?

A: There is no such thing as a perfectly good airplane. Especially a “jump plane”


Q: How come you started skydiving?
A: Cause I wanted to fly. And meet guys.

Q: If I go up in the plane to watch the skydivers jump, and there’s an emergency,
how will I know if I have to jump or not?
A: If the pilot goes out the door, I advise you to follow him.

Q: I went on that parachute ride at 6 Flags, and it made me sick. Does it really feel
like that?
A: No – I hate that ride at 6 Flags – makes me wanna vomit.

There is no feel of falling in freefall – I always liked calling it “freeflying,” cause I don’t like falling! But there is no feel of “falling” not like when you jump out of a tree or off of a roof (yup, did both). In freefall, you’re too high up, too far from anything big enough for you to register movement against. Hmmmm…..still confused, eh?
Okay, time for another APj stroll – or in this case – fly, down memory lane:

I was very excited as the plane climbed: they were going to let me “close” last. Since there were only a handful of us women on the drop zone, we often became a novelty – “Just go out there and hold a heading. We’ll fly to you,” was the norm. But the four of them were going out first (2 on on the strut, 2 on the step) and I was gonna “bombout” the door. Cool!!!!
So we’re on jumprun, everybody is climbing out and into position, “Eat, Fuck, Skydive!” (Hey, its’ more clever than 1-2-3-go!), and off they went.
And the plane lurched a bit.
--and I lost my balance
--and fell back in the plane
--just a little bit.
But enough to put me REALLY far away by the time I recovered!!!! “Shit!! I’ll never catch em!” I berated myself. Pulling my arms in, and streamlining my body, I became a bullet in the sky. I was screaming through the sky at 120MPH. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll catch them after all…..”
Quickly, I saw that I was approaching the now-completed four-way. But I couldn’t believe what I saw. “Shit! Why are they spinning?” How could they do this to me? How am I supposed to dock if they won’t stop spin—“
About 20-30 feet away, I realize that --
I am flying at 120MPH towards them.
As a screaming corkscrew.
THEY are not the ones spinning.
The spinner is ME.
I frantically “get big” to slow my speed and stop my spiral. I slide 180degrees around the circle. And dock.
We smile, kiss pass (yup, just like it sounds), wave off, track away and pull.

On the ground, one of the SkyGods came over grinning and waving, “AirplaneJayne! Bitchin’ approach! You looked so hot!!””

Uh-huh. I never did tell him that I didn’t mean to do it. Why spoil a good thing?

Dating Story #2

So…I’d sprung a leak. Well…not me, my sprinklers. Err – the sprinklers in the yard. Seems I kept forgetting where some of ‘em were and I’d run over them with the tractor. Much better about it now – but I’ve gotten sidetracked –
Sprinklers broken. Saturday morning. So I decided to go to the hardware store to get sprinkler parts and then to the gym and workout (good girl). So I’m dressed in my workout clothes:
Those of you who don’t know me – please realize that I am a chubby girl. My workout clothes consist of yoga pants and a T-shirt. And a hair clip. I definitely do not look like some hottie in a thong leotard….
So – I’m standing in line at OSH with my parts, when I realize that the guy in front of me is staring at my chest. “Well! I never!” I’m fuming to myself. As I make eye contact and try to come up with something clever, he says, “That’s a funny shirt you’ve got there.”
“Huh?” I say silently. And then I realize that I’ve got my “Don’t make me call my flying monkeys” shirt on.
“Oh, thanks!” I reply sheepishly, retracting the deadly daggers that I mentally impaled in his crotch. “I’m kinda a Wizard of Oz fan.”
“I like that movie too!”
“Think of something!” my brain screams….
Seeing that he has garage door springs in his hand, I offer, “Gee – looks like you’re going to have fun.”
“Ha, ha,” he responds, “Err – I’ve never done them before. Have you?”
“Uh-huh. One of the times my Dad was very impressed with my Hulk like strength!” I laughingly retort.
“Perhaps you’d like to come help?”
“Oh no!” I slyly respond, “Can’t you see? I’ll be working on sprinklers all afternoon.”
“Aw, come on! I’ll make you lunch…”
“Yeah, yeah – I can see it now: not only will I be putting the springs on your garage, but I’ll have to make my own sandwich too!”
We both laugh as the clerk finishes ringing him up. He starts to leave, and turns and says, “It was nice talking to you.”
“Yeah – I’ll be thinking about you and your springs while I’m fixing my sprinklers”
“Ha, ha…..are you sure you have to fix those sprinklers?”
“Oh yeah – I’ll take the easy job, thankyouvery much!”
“Well,” he says, “again…it was nice talking to you.”
As he exits the store, the clerk is shaking her head. “Geez! Dontcha just hate it when guys can’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”
“Huh!?!?”
“That guy!” she says to me, “I’ve never seen a guy hit on someone so hard!”
“Scuse me? Hit? On me? Oh no, I don’t think he……was he hitting on me?”
She looks at me with a “areyousomestupidkindofdorkorwhat” expression.
“Ma’am. You’re kidding, right?”
As the red rises and spreads from my neck, to my cheeks, to my eyes, and my ears, I shake my head, thank her politely, and make a speedy exit….

I went to the hardware store weekly for a month….but alas, I never saw Mr. Garage-door Man again.

43 things about me. Cause the answer can't be 42...

I found this cool meme on addict's site -- and stole it! I love these things!!!!! And really, they do tell me loads about myself.
And I'll have the next dating disaster story tomorrow or Tuesday.

1. When was the last time you had sex?
Alone or with someone?
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
Preferably with my foot so I don’t have to touch the handle and get cooties…remember: I have potty issues…..
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always! and so does any living member in my vehicle! Dead members are allowed to ride in the trunk…
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yup! Currently have two crushes. Haven’t followed thru on either. Neither crushee knows that I think they are crush-able.
5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it?
Toilet paper. See #2 above.
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Shirley McClaine. I think we we’re twins in another life.
7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Artichoke hearts
9. Do you crack your knuckles?
No way! Dontcha know that makes them big?
10. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
Any song when it’s stuck in there.
11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
Naw – but I’m hearing, “I write the songs that make the whole world sing” and it’s making me want to change my answer on #10.
12. What are your super powers?
I can fly. I just haven’t tried it without a parachute…..yet.
13. What is the hardest thing you have faced?
Self-doubt
14. Where are your car keys?
Thank you for asking! I finally found the rogue keys after their four day hiatus! They are – shit! Where are they?
15. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
Anyone willing to answer! But a better question would be, “Who do I think will answer?” And the answer to THAT question is: Jade and Lelly.
16. What's your most annoying habit?
That I think that I’m always right……..(but seriously, I am…..)
17. Where did you go on your last vacation?
Nebraska….Hey! quit laughing! I went to see Mom and Dad!
18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it who would it be?
Ex-husband, aka, Voldemort.
19. What is your best physical feature?
My eyes. Although Devon said I’ve got nice legs… But I think I’ll go with my eyes…
20. What CD is closest to you right now?
Kien lim. Go check him out.
21. What three things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Water, soy bread, and some lumpy shit I forgot to throw out….
22. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I don’t knowingly cross the path of a black cat…
25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
Yes – do ya’ got a problem with that?
26. What would your name have been if you'd been born the opposite gender? If you don't know what your parents would've chosen, what name would you choose for your other-gendered self?
Jason or Joshua. We have a “J” thing going in our family.
27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg!”
28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go?
Forward! Why go backwards!!! (See Lecram – I am getting better, eh?”)
29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
30. What CD is in your stereo?
Trick question!! Please see #20 above.
31. What OCD qualities do you have?
I’m not compulsive about anything…..really…….
32. How many kids do you want to have?
I have one. She is perfect. Case closed.
33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
How famous do they have to be? Oops! Guess it’s rude to answer a question with a question, so I’ll just go with the “famous-famous” and answer: Brad Pitt. Omigawd that would send me to the store….
34.Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
Pass up the opportunity to kiss Brad Pitt? Just because we’ve never been formally introduced? Areyoufrickinkiddin???? NO-WAY!!!! Duh!!!!!!!
35. What do you do when no one is watching?
Shhhhh….close your eyes…….okay, now just open them a bit…..did ya’ see it?
36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
Renee Zellweger. But the Renee-as-the-plump-Bridget-Jones, not the Renee-as-the-lollipop-headed-trophy-doll.
37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Blaze of glory! Saving children! Slaying the dragon! Shagging the Prince!!!! Oops!!! Did I really say ‘shagging?”
38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most?
Pixie sticks!
39. What is your favorite kid's movie?
Beauty and the Beast. I don’t care what you say, the Beast is hot! And I want dishes that put themselves away….
40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Geez –don’t make me say it again! He’s gonna get a swelled head.
41. Have you ever been in love?
I thought I was once…..but I may have been mistaken…..check back with me later…..
42. Do you talk to yourself?
Hey! It doesn’t mean you’re crazy!! Really!!! The shrink said that as long as I wasn’t arguing and physically fighting that it…
43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?Duh….please see #18 above.

THAT’S WHY I’M NOT DATING! #1

Prologue:
Having been single for the past three years after having been with Voldemort for twenty has led to some interesting and amusing adventures. This whole “dating” thing sucks – really! Or, perhaps dating doesn’t suck – maybe I just suck at dating. Seriously! Strange things seem to happen when I go on a date. --Or am interested in a guy. --Or a guy is interested in me.
So here begins a short series on my dating disasters.

So…. I had been going through a dry spell. Okay – let’s call it what it really was: a drought!. Symptoms: Parched, dehydrated, hallucinating and rambling. Geez, if I’d have known that being single was so bad for my skin, I might have kept Voldemort
--but I digress.
Drought. Dehydrated. Rambling. And Dry. Very dry.

So my friend, D, in all her wisdom, fixes me up with a fella. “Oh, Jayne! He’s really cute! Blue eyes, brown hair, nice butt.” No mention of employment. No Profit and Loss Statement. No Financial statement.
Just “nice butt.”
Sad that my friends know how truly shallow I can be.
“Really, Jayne – I think you’ll like him. I’m going to give him your phone number.”
And so, a few nights later, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Is this Jayne?”
“That depends; who’s calling?”
“My name is A, I’m D’s friend.”
“Hello, A! How are you?”

and yada-yada-yada. We talked on the phone a few times – I was charming and witty (as usual), and procured a date. A face-to-face date. Geez, just the thought of a date sent me scurrying to the loo with I.B.S.
“D!’
“Hey Jayne! How are you?”
“Terrible! I’m meeting A tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna die from dehydration –“
“But the drought is over—“
“No, not from the drought! From I.B.S.! Every time I think about tomorrow I gotta shit!”
Hysterical laughter erupts from the phone piece…..
“D! I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”
“Doo!!?!? You gotta doo!?!?!?”

Deciding that D was of no help, I got off the phone and stewed about my upcoming date: which led to three trips to the restroom. Good thing I purchase paper products in bulk.

The topper of the evening is the phone call from D’s daughter and her boyfriend.
“Jayne. Mom says you’re nervous. Okay – here’s what you do: Meet him at the restaurant so you have your car. Go ahead and have a drink, ‘cause it will relax you. But don’t have more than two (boyfriend screams, “have three – be easy!”). Wear something blue, but not sleazy (boyfriend chimes, “sleazy works for me!”). And it’s okay to kiss him at the end of the evening (boyfriend adds, “slip him the tongue!”)”

Yup. I ran, not skipped, to my loo.

The following day, I was ready for my date with A at 4:30. Unfortunately, my date was not until 6:00. Hmmmm…perhaps a wee bit anxious, eh? Time and two trips to the loo later it was time to go.
It was easy to spot A at the restaurant – and yes, D was right: beautiful blue eyes, great hair, and omigawd what a nice butt…….
I don’t need to bore you (any further than I already have) with the date details. Suffice it to say that I was, again, charming and witty. After we ate dinner, we went across the street and had a drink. After the drink we strolled around and went and had coffee. I, and my colon, were both doing well. Around midnight he walked me back to my car.
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmyhands?”

Yes, amazing how all the words blur together in your brain, eh? We’re walking across the parking lot, and he is holding my hand and telling me what a great time he had, and how he would like to see me again. At least, that’s what I think he said. There’s so much noise in my head, probably from that internal conversation, that it’s hard to hear him—
“So,” he says as we arrive at my car—
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmy—“
“—Jayne, thanks for a really great evening,”

and he leans in closer
and I hold my breath
and he starts to wrap his arms around me
and I hold my breath

and suddenly we are bathed in light from above. No, not aliens. Just the friendly Fresno County Sheriff heliocopter. Looking for hooligans. Or perhaps Voldemort was following me…..who knows?
All I know is that the potential kiss became a hug. All engines on shut down. Houston, there is no problem, so Good Night!

…..and that’s why I’m not dating!

Tally - Ho?

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere.And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

.....WARNING, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!! oops - wrong show.......but seriously, folks, this is my mum's biggest fear: that I will move to London!

Look out Lelly and Troubadour....ya' never know....

here I go again......

Unlike some of you.....I love to take these silly online tests! I got this one from Deadly Female, and thought I'd give it a go.
According to this test, I don't fit neatly into a category
--all together now:
"Duh!"
So, I've reviewed both categories:
7. The Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute
to the world
8. The Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective
-- and smooshed them as I saw fit. I call the new (!) category
THE ASSERTIVE ADVENTURER
(the color-coded lines indicate which "category" it comes from.

How to Get Along with an Assertive Adventurer
Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
Don't tell me what to do.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings.
Give me space to be alone.
Hmmm.....obviously you must relate to my more "adventurous" side! But I see how "fence straddling" that can be: how can I expect companionship and space to be alone? How can I expect you to be vulnerable, but not appear needy? Geez, no wonder I ain't dating....

What I Like About Being an Assertive Adventurer
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
having such varied interests and abilities
...even though these traits come from two different categories - I'm drawn to their similarities: outspoken and straightforward. courageous and guts. optimistic and enjoyment.

What's Hard About Being an Assertive Adventurer

being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
not having enough time to do all the things I want
feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
ah-ha!! And here is the bitter pill of APj! We see the ugly "Assertive" side of me: I find it hard to let the hurts go. I try to throw that baggage over the side of the boat (or out the door of an airplane!) but find myself diving (out of the boat or plane) to retrieve it. But it helps to have friends that remind me to Let Go.......

Insightful, eh? Let me know what YOU think.....

My Dad

My father is so strong. So resilient. And yet, he is tethered to life by tubing. He tells me that it is his lifeline – and he knows how far it will reach: to the back patio to take the trash out, to the front patio to check the mail, and all around the first floor.

But it doesn’t reach the basement. It can’t reach his bedroom on the second floor. And it can’t reach my house in California – so I have come to Nebraska to see him.

The sound is the same: a whooshing noise that is quickly cut off. Silence, and then another whoosh. But the silence isn’t so quiet – it’s filled with motor sounds, water gurgle sounds, and breathe sounds. I hear those sounds, and I’m immediately taken back – taken back to that horrible time when I was hooked up to a machine – a machine that was my link to life. The machine that kept me breathing. But now, it’s not me breathing, not my breath and life that is so dependent. It is my father. And I am helpless.


Dear Daddy,
I remember when I was little; you would come to wake me up in the morning. You would knock at my door, open n it a little, and softly call, “Lady Jayne, time to wake up.” I usually would already be awake, or wake up when you knocked. But I never said anything, because I loved to hear you call, “Lady Jayne.”
I remember when I got my first lead role in high school – “An Inspector Calls.” I didn’t even think you knew about it – or anything! But there you were on opening night – bouquet of flowers (yellow roses) in hand. And afterwards, you said, “Great job, Lady Jayne.”
And college - ha! Remember when I went to Kearney, Ne? And that pipe broke on the car – the one by the muffler? I called you and asked if I should stay and get if fixed, or come home. You said that I should take a look at it and do what I thought was right. So, I crawled under the car, pushed that pipe up, made a “U” from a wire hanger, and wrapped the entire contraption in duck tape – and drove the 2+ hours home. You came out of the house, crawled under the car, crawled out, went into the house, returned with the Polaroid camera, crawled back under the car to take a picture, came back out, grinning from ear to ear and said, “Great job, Missy.”
I have been truly blessed to have you as a father. Thank you for always thinking that I could do anything. Shoot! I think I always believed I could do anything, because you believed that I could!
Love,
Lady Jayne


It hurts to see him like this: This is a man who flew planes over Vietnam and Cambodia (although we still aren’t supposed to know about that part of that war). This man who carried the 12-year-old me into the hospital with a ruptured artery in my nose now struggles to carry a small load.

But still, he is strong. Still, he is resilient. He has already pissed off and impressed the hospice nurses. Pissed them off because he insists on driving to McDonalds for breakfast each morning. Impressed them because he seems to be defying the odds by getting better.

Step right up! Make a Pitch!

As you all are aware, I have been out of the dating pool/pond/puddle/drop for a couple decades (egad), and am somewhat rusty/dusty/cobwebby. Being somewhat clueless (okay, you're right: downright blind and oblivious), I appreciate all the offers of help -- including Jade's offer of drawing a map. But, I decided to put my business hat on. Hmmmmm, what would a Fortune 500 company do? Well, they would hire some consultant, who would come up with a fancy schmancy ad campaign, complete with some catchy slogan. --hey! Maybe I just need a slogan! Lucky for me, Lelly blogged about a fantastic site that would design a slogan specifically for you. For Free!!! HOW PERFECT IS THAT!?!?!?!? So, I typed in Airplanejayne.......here are the top 10 slogans for APj (and 2 more that didn't quite make the Top 10...)

12. My Anti-Drug is Airplanejayne.
Okay, those of you who know me, now see why they didn't let me use drugs often......way too scary!!!!
11. Everything We Do is Driven by Airplanejayne.
Hmmmmm.....very close to current motto: "It's All About Me!" so, it didn't make the Top Ten!
10. Devon Knows How They Make Airplanejayne So Creamy.
Huh? Devon doesn't know that. Shoot! Devon doesn't even blog. Devon won't even know what it is she can't possibly know unless some Rogue tells her it's on the blog...
9. Don't be an Amber Airplanejayne.
Now wait a minute. Amber is Amber. APj is APj. Although, let's face it: if APj could look like Amber.....
8. Why Have Cotton When You Can Have Airplanejayne?
Now this is more like it! But seriously, why have cotton at all?
7. Airplanejayne: The Other White Meat.
Uhhhhhh, heading into dangerous territory....
6. Making Airplanejayne Taste Better.
Okay, time to turn 180 degrees!
5. Silly Rabbit, Airplanejayne is for Kids.
Oops! turned too far! Setting the record straight: APj is NOT one of THOSE kinds of teachers.
4. Great Airplanejayne. Great Times.
Now this is more like it! Yup, yup, yup! always a great time!!
3. I Like the Airplanejayne in You.
(in my best Mae West: "Yeah, but I'd prefer You in the Airplanejayne!"
2. Nobody Does It Like Airplanejayne.
I really like this one! So please, let's not remember the rusty/dusty/cobwebby remark above--

and the #1 NEW SLOGAN FOR AIRPLANE JAYNE......

1. Get the Airplanejayne Habit.

--I'm going to Disneyland!!!!

Okay.....so I've spent the last few days trying to upload a really cool collage of photo's that I stole --err got off the Internet that would go so well with this post.....but to no avail. So....in the interest of timeliness and all...... I took the Guitar Wolf to Los Angeles. Walked the Walk of Fame, put our feet and hands in prints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, did the RockWalk (thanks to Thereiminman for suggesting it), Sunset strip, Disneyland, The Temporary Museum/Ashes and Snow exhibit in Santa Monica, and the Getty Museum.

Cor! Wot a road trip! I must say, that the Limey travels well: picked great road trip snacks (crunchy M&M’s and honeyroasted peanuts), didn’t backseat or passengerseat drive (although I did see him close his eyes fearfully a few times), and was quite agreeable. Other than the usual miscommunications between a Yank and a Brit
Jayne: You want to wink my what!!?!?!?!?!?

It was a fantastic trip. And, as usual, very educational. Educational? Disneyland? How, pray tell?

Things kien learned:
1. Americans don’t think they have to have license plates on the back of their cars. Of course, after Apj said that they did, we proceeded to see a dozen cars without plates.
2. the meaning of the word “awesome!” Yes – he even used it! Check his blog if ya’ don’t believe me…..
3. That although Bruce Willis looks very macho, his handprints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre prove elsewise. Wimpy, wimpy hands.
4. But kien’s got the same hands as Johnny Depp. –Err, according to the prints at Mann’s that is!!! Cor, get your minds out of the gutters!!

Things Apj learned:
1. Going upside-down isn’t all that bad. In fact, I think I like it. I’ll have to do it again. Thanks kien, for making me do it: California Screamin’!!!!
2. That the wrong music can make an exhibit pretentious. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it…..really! You say pretentious like it’s a bad thing…..oh, it is? Well….nevermind…..(but I still liked the photos…..)
3. Gotta get new CD’s. Road trips without CD’s aren’t a good thing. ‘specially when traveling with a musician. (but please remember: CD collection destroyed and stolen when Kermit was crushed.)
4. Did you know that the little Eskimo girl is not playing with the Walrus in “It’s a Small World?” Did you know that she’s fishing? Geez! Now I suppose you’ll tell me that Old Yeller didn’t get better at the end of the mov—


Which brings us to the ongoing plans for an alternative to Disneyland. But I’ll save that for a future post!

ABC's of APj

Okay, I stole this from House of Lime, cause I thought it was fun.

Accent-I love to hear a British accent. I do a reasonable: British, Irish, New Orleans, Georgia,
Alabama, Minnesota, and New York. But never at the same time. Again, that whole “food
touching” thing….
Booze of choice – Wine is fine. Not much of a drinker. Mike, the owner of Starline complains
that he makes no money on me……
Chore I hate – cleaning the cat box.
Dog or cat – have cats. Wish I had dogs. Why? Please refer
to “Chore I Hate” above….
Essential electronics – do battery operated devices count as electronics? Need I say more?
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – Romance by Ralph Lauren. Actually, any scent by Ralph
Lauren. Could actually even be intrested in Ralph….
Gold or Silver? – both. And diamonds too!
Hometown – us military brats have a hard time with
this. Hmmmm…..place I lived last, and still home to my parents is Lincoln, Nebraska. So I
guess that’s it, eh?
Insomnia? – often!
Job Title – Middle School Teacher. Which could be a euphenisum for Combat Warrior, eh?
Kids? – one. Actually, she swears she’s an adult now (20 yrs old), but she’ll always be my baby.
Living Arrangement – continuing to live. Thanks for asking!
Most admired trait – Hmmmm……it’s probably my sense of humor. Or maybe my smile. Can I
just say I think it should be my bodacious ta-tas? Just ‘cause I like to say that?
“Bodacious Ta-Tas!!!!”.
Number of Sexual Partners – Sex!?!?!?!?! Partners!?!?!?!? You mean I don’t have to do it
alone?????? Shit! I’m always the last one to find out about these things…..
Overnight Hospital Stays – tonsils= 1 night. Broken femur/pulmonary emybolism=11 nights.
Child birth=1 night. Thyroid attempted explosion = 1 night, gastrointestinal/colon related
surgery (don’t ask) = 2 nights. Geez – I should’ve applied for the frequent flyer miles….
Phobia – Food touching. Shouldn’t happen. Hardly ever. ‘nuff said.
Quote – “Do! Or Do Not! There is no try!” Yoda
Religion – Episcopalian.
Siblings – 3brothers, 2 sisters. All starting with the letter “J.”
JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Sick, huh?
Time I wake up – usually around 5:30. Unless insomnia strikes – in which case, I’m already
up…..
Unusual talent/skill – hmmmm, I can wiggle my ears, shake my groove thing, and tie a knot in
a cherry stem. And yes, all at the same time…..
Vegetable I refuse to eat – I like all veggies…..but I’ll only eat okra if someone else fixes it.
‘cause it feels slimey. And before those of you who know me pipe in – tomatoes are FRUIT
not veggies!!!!
Worst habit – Procrastination
X-rays – I think I’ve had enough x-rays taken that I am truly radioactive. Just like the song:
turnmeontonight, I’m radioactive.
Yummy foods I make – the best pancakes! Absolutely the best! Wanna come over for
breakfast?
Zodiac sign –Scorpio

So, Superman Steve and the V.P. have not had their baby……still! Steve did not do a show at the Rogue, because the baby was due, and we were just sure that the baby would arrive during the Rogue. Of course, some thought a Rogue stage birth could be very avant-garde….but the V.P. shot that idea down.
I hate waiting for this baby. And I hate not knowing whether the baby is a boy or a girl. The worst part of “not knowing” is knowing that someone actually knows – and it’s not the parents OR me – only their doctor. Geez, worse than Christmas!
But I’m hoping for a girl. Why? Well, for one thing, the clothes are cuter. But mostly,
--well, mostly because of the penis thing.
“Penis thing?” you ask, “what penis thing?”
That whole “penis as a WMD” thing.

Boys begin wielding their penis as a weapon from birth.

And I am so not joking. Any parent/babysitter/older sibling that has ever changed a baby boy’s diaper can attest to this truth: if you do not cover that weapon with something (hand, towel, wipe, etc) before the air hits it, it will unleash a deadly yellow liquid –aimed with amazing accuracy--directly towards your face.
And the baby grows…..into a toddler and little boy. A little boy just like my little brother, Jason. Let me tell you about Jason:
I come from a family of six kids: JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Oh, and Mom and Dad: JayandJanet. What can I say…
Anyway, all the way at the end of the line – JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulie – Jason – the youngest. Now, with six kids, bathtime was crazy. Obviously, there was no way, time or money wise, for six kids to get to take individual baths – so we usually had to “co-bathe.” The unwritten rule was that the oldest got to sit in the front of the tub – where the freshest, hottest, bestest (?) water was. So……
One evening, 10-year-old me and 3-year-old Jason were in the tub. Jason said, “I wanna sit in front.”
“No, I’m the oldest! I get the front.”
“Please…..”
“No!”
“If you don’t let me, I’ll pee on you.”
“No you won’t. Besides, I’m the oldest. I get to --- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Yup. My three-year-old brother had stood up…..and peed on me. Weapon of Mass Destruction deployed on innocent civilian in a water environment. I lept from the toxic tub and went screaming – naked – down the hall and into the kitchen, screaming, “Jason peed on me! Grodie to the max!”
From then on, I refused to use the “peepee tub”, I insisted on showers, and I refused to bathe with anyone else.
I don’t think I need to go on with further proof of the Penis as a WMD.

Dynamic Creator

Dynamic Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts
You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

How You Relate to Others
You are Dynamic
As someone who is DYNAMIC, you do not have a hard time meeting new people, and you have a bunch of close friends.
There are those who find being around people exhausting—but not you! Interacting with others, whether at a party or in conversation, gives you energy.
You have enormous respect for those who have earned their success, and have little patience for those who try to bend the rules or ride on the coattails of others' hard work.
Believing in the importance of integrity and hard work doesn't stop you from believing that people will do the right thing—you know that people are good at heart.
Part of what makes engaging with people so interesting for you is that you occasionally learn something new about yourself or about a problem you're having when discussing things with others.

Rogued hard and put away....

Rogue is finished – and I haven’t overpaid too many people…..I think. I will be tallying the $$ these next couple of days, and then will hang up the Rogue accountant calculator until next year. Here are some of my favorite observations and memories of this year:

1. APj is moonlighting at another festival. Geez! They’re just copying stuff from the Rogue. Can’t even come up with an original name. Her emails say it’s called the Rogo. You know, I knew she couldn’t be trus --
--what’s that? You say she just typed the email address wrong? Oh, well in that case – “Never mind.”
2. Unlike Mono or even Dengue Fever, Rogue Fever is not a fun thing to catch. No kissing, no fondling, no sex! But coughing and blowing (no, not that kind of blowing) all over the place! Am still on the waiting list for drugs from the Doc. Memo to self for next year: Get flu shot before festivities begin…….
3. If Nile says that a person seems nice, we need to:
- maintain eye contact in a non-threatening manner
- back slowly from the room
- run screaming from the place before the scary lady tries to tie us up also.
4. Kudos to Devon, if for no other reason than being Jag’s girlfriend!!! Please have sex with him soon so he will stop telling jokes….
5. So, I’m walking down Fulton, with a shitload of money in my pockets, towards Dianna’s North and South (or is that South and North? Warning; don’t ask kien, ‘cause he’s turned around in the fog….) and I look across the street. Blimey! That’s a big guy! I better keep an eye on him. Okay, if he crosses the street, I’m gonna scream like a girl and run like a track – “Jayne! What are you doing walking alone?” Oops….big guy turns out to be Mustang. Thanks for guarding the money, Mustang. Thanks to Dana for the money runs. Dana, I love the little-red-riding-hood basket….cracked me up.
6. It rocks having a bodyguard! Especially a cute foreigner with an accent. Cor, I hope he’s available next Rogue….
7. Ashtree has great accommodations! They even put mints on my pillow for me. I put in my request for an upgrade for next year: I’d like the pleasure palace, please…
8. SSM? Here? I don't believe it. Didn't get one dance. Nope! Mustabeen an impostor squirrel.
9. Marcel is just a damn good storyteller. Watching him two nights prior to his opening, I thought, “Geez! Is he gonna pull this off?” Not only did he pull it off, he gets top picks kudos from the Fresno Bee. But I still am confused about his whole “got both sizes….can accommodate either” Huh? What? I don’t get it…..
10a. and speaking of getting it: even though Solitaire claims she was the Rogue virgin, I doubt that she still is. Hot, hot, hot!
10b. and still speaking of “getting it” – I didn’t. Although, Jaded insists there was interest from some youngster (what is it with the twenty-somethings!?!?!? Mrs. Robinson fantasies!?!?!), I ascertain that there was no offer-age, and since there was no offer-age, there was no interest. Then I had some cute foreigner tell me he didn’t want to scratch my bottom, but insisted on inspecting said bottom when I scratched it myself (voyeur!), announced that although said bottom was rough, it was absolutely perfect (ta!), but then tell me he had to pull out of my boot because his box wouldn’t fit. Yup – went home alone that night too. And finally, my personal favorite Rogue line of the festival: “APj, if you draw me a map, I’ll go down on you.”

I kid you not. There is NOTHING like the Rogue.

Party on Garth.

Teacher silliness!

So, I go to a teacher seminar in Los Angeles for the weekend. Great opportunity to work and collaborate
--see, I learned a new word:
collaborate. verb, meaning (1) to show off in front of people. (2) to browbeat others to your manner of thinking. (3)

-collaborate on interesting and fascinating techniques available.

Worst part:
1) Grumpy teachers that just want to bitch and complain about bad the "nowadays" are, and how great the "goodolddays" were. Hey, if they were so great, how come they ended!?!?!?

2) Snoring roommate. which, by the way, Superman Steve berated me for even sharing a room. Steve: "APj, how do you ever expect to have sex if you have a roommate of the same sex in the room with you!?!?!?"

Best part:
1) cheese cake for desert.
2) Playing "trashcan" at Disneyland.

"What is trashcan?" I hear you asking. That's okay -- I didn't know either. My friend demonstrated it as such: Player pretends to run into trashcan, makes big noise, and acts embarrassed when everyone turns to stare at her. Approximately 2 minutes later, she does it again. Trust me, I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants. But I didn't....promise.

3) Bad teacher jokes, of which I'll post for your enjoyment:
One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story, Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the famer: "...and Chicken Little went up to the Famer and said, "the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" Suzie raissed her hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy shit! A talking bird!!!" ...the teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.


Hmmm -- reminds me of Paul's "Johnny" jokes.....

Reflections - and Happy Chinese New Year (late, I know)

Here is Corinne, a year after coming to live in Virginia.
Just thought I'd share my latest picture with you. Just got a Christmas card in the mail
--yes, I did say Christmas -- I'm not the only one in my family that suffers from procrastination!
--as I was saying,
a Christmas card in the mail from my sister and her family in Virginia. Of course, it included current pics of both my nieces and my nephew! But I just have to share the pic of Corinne. Some of you may remember that I went with my sister and her family last January to China to get Corinne. She has changed so much in the year - but her smile still melts my heart. I can't wait to see her this spring or summer.