Sunday, October 02, 2005

"No Blood, A Small Man and Condoms"…or "How I spent my Birthday"

After coercing Jade to write her bloody condom story – she has told me I must write my condom story – which,I promise, is not nearly as funny as hers – but it is true, and it is mine – so, here we go.

Drew and Ryan threw a lovely birthday for me last year, complete with champagne and other lovely spirits, lovely food, and absitively-poslutely lovely little waiters serving all. Of course, anytime that the party elements are involved, the conversation turns to sex.
“Airplane Jayne,” announced Drew, “we are tired of you being dateless. So we bought you a date.”
“I hope it’s Martin, the cute blonde waiter” I responded excitedly.
“No,” retorted Drew, “he’s gay. You can’t have him.”
“Stop it Drew!” admonished Ryan, “we don’t know if he’s gay. We just know you want to--!”
Drew interrupted, “Yes he is if I say he is! Anyway, PBj, err I mean APj, we bought you a man, and he’s naked – here!”
Without further ado, he presents me with a 6 inch man.
--yes that’s a 6 inch man – imagine the length of his pe—
“Just what am I suppose to do with him?” I asked.
“Well dahling,” cooed Drew, “throw him in the water, and he GROWS….to FIVE FEET”
I quickly calculated in my head the new anticipated height and length of his body parts – and threw him in the hot tub.
“Can I get you something?” asked Martin, the cute blonde waiter.
“Well, can you find me a towel for my date?”
“Date? Where is your date?” Martin alarmedly asked.
“Oh, that’s him, the 6 inch guy in the hot tub. I’m waiting for him to –err—expand.”
Martin, a bit confused, smiled sheepishly, and went in search of a towel….
“APj!” called Superman Steve, “Kajsa and I have a special present for you.”
I turned away from my hot-tubbing date, because...well, because a present is a present!!!

“Presents! I love presents! But make it quick! I’ve got a man in the tub waiting for me!”

“Yes, yes, APj. We’ve bought you something special—“
“Yes, “interjected Kajsa, “very special – and useful. But there really wasn’t time to wrap them”
Steve handed me a lovely green silk jewelry box.
“Oh, it’s lovely!” I gushed.
“But wait!” teased Steve, “We’ve put some –well, some jewelry inside.”

Okay, now every girl loves jewelry, right? I began to quiver in excitement. I do so love the anticipation. I slowly opened the lid. What could it possibly be? Earrings? A necklace? A bracel—

“Jayne?” came Martin’s soft voice in my ear, “here’s the towel for your date.”

Of course, a soft male voice in my ear slightly startled me
–hey, what do you expect after a long dry spell?
-- and I dropped my jewelry box --
--and all the lovely jewels came tumbling out.
--all forty of them.

“FORTY WHAT!?!?!?” I hear you screaming.

The room erupted as I embarrassedly bent to retrieve all my jewels, scattered across the floor. Drew retrieved my date, still only 6 inches tall with miniscule other parts, from the hot-tub.
“Oh PBj, I mean APj sweetie, I don’t think the jewels will fit on your date’s jewels!”

So Steve is picking up my condoms. Kajsa is picking up my condoms. Edwina and Pat are laughing and picking up my condoms. Martin, ever the gentleman, grabbed as many as he could. As he placed the twenty-or-so condoms in my hand, he said, “oh, by the way: I’m not gay”


lecram sinun said...

LOL! So, were those "jewels" ribbed for your pleasure?

lecram sinun said...

Here are a couple of links that you may need...



Mustang said...

"The older the violin, the sweeter the music"


Lelly said...

What a wonderful story! I wish I had a great condom story, but the best I've got is the old chestnut'friend-who-pulled-a-condom-over-his-head-and-nose-and-blew-it-up-til it-burst'.
I also wish I had friends who would throw me a party with hot waiters...and a hot-tub, for gawds sake!

airplanejayne said...

Lelly - yes, I have great friends (old and new) that have been and continue to be a wonderful source of support and merriment...

Mustang - perchance the fear is that the next person that fiddles (heh-heh) with me violin will hear nuthin but squeaks and squawks...

Lecram - don't know if the jewels were ribbed or not....
But I've still got all FORTY of 'em, so I guess I could check!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Hey, watchatalkingabout? That was funny! So whatchadoing for the next birthday? heh heh.

airplanejayne said...

well, YOU'RE gonna be on the phone to ME so I can hear all the fireworks that London shoots off on my birthday!!!

...maybe next year I'll make it to London for GuyFawkes/Jayne's birthday....

thereminman said...

remember THE FIFFFFFFTH OF NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that first john lennon album is one of the best f******n album's ANYbody made at ANY time.---sorry, but maybe you know the song.

Lelly said...

Ooo Jayne! Stop Press! My heart-throb is going to be the new James Bond!

Soon his gorgeousness will be known to the many and not just the few...hmmm maybe thats NOT such a good thing!

Lelly said...

Got new 'sort of quiz' thing on my blog...and I know you like quizzes! (although this isn't one...)

lecram sinun said...

Time for a new condom... er... post.

jade ed girl said...

I'm really concerned that they've been in your glove box for a year. I don't think this heat is good for the latex. Just get fresh one's if you get lucky during the Rogue next year. There's seems to be something in air that makes women fertile.

airplanejayne said...

Thereminman -- enjoyed your show the other night, although I did miss the old Dr. Frankenstein (stien?) --and yes, I do know the song.
Lecram -- new post is there. geez! you keep me on my toes! Nag, nag, nag. go write yerself!!!! :)

Lelly -- I am Moneypenny. I will have Bond. Otherwise, he won't get a paycheck.

Jade -- yes, err....well.....I was thinking about making ice cubes with 'em, cause that may be the closest thing to action they see.....

jade ed girl said...

Well, if ya do, remind to have my water without ice when I come to visit ya:)