Jayne's New Year's Resolution

I
Will
Have
This
Kiss

Peeling the Onion that is APj

I saw this one floating around Myspace, so I thought I'd try it:
11 Layers of Me

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Airplane Jayne.
Birthday: November 5 – Guy Fawkes Day
Current Location: My rancho. And the corners of my mind
Eye Color: blue or green, depending on clothing and mood. And my best feature, I might add.
Hair Color: strawberry blonde.
Righty or Lefty: lefty.
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio, and, according to the Chinese Horoscope, a Rat. A Rat looking for a Pig.

Layer Two: Just Below the Surface
Your Weakness: smiling men, a quick wit, a nicely shaped butt
Goal: to land the man of my weakness
Your Fears: that he doesn’t exist

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: darn, it was just a dream
Your bedtime: whenevah
Your most missed memory: snuggling and laughing – at the same time.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Well, I’ll go with Pepsi, ‘cause coke is illegal…
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Happy Meal. Lunch and a toy. Life is good.
Single or Group dates: group date!?!?!? Omigawd and WTF!?!? is that just a euphemism for “orgy?” Thanks, but no thanks - I think I’m too old for that, so I’ll take the single date, Alex for $200. Because yes, my love is in Jeopardy…baby.

Adidas or Nike: whichever is on sale. But if I have one pair of Adidas, and I buy another pair, does that mean I have Adidi (pronounced a-dee-DIE)? -just wondering….
Lipton Tea or Nestea: I like Lipton. Wasn’t Peggy Lipton just super cool on the Mod Squad?

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla latte or perfume. Chocolate everything else….
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino – cause it’s all about the foam… ::shiver::

Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke: nope. Quit that nasty habit 15 years ago.
Have a crush: yup. He’s name is….oh wait, there’s also – and --. Hmmm, yup, you’re right: I’m fickle….and shallow, remember?

Think you've been in love: think? Often. Actual? Not so often.
Want to get married: toughie. I know I don’t want to be alone, but don’t know if “married” is necessary.

Believe in yourself: aw, luv, that depends on which facet of me. I am so fricking cocksure confident in matters of my art….and wimpified woosie in matters of the heart.

Think you're a health freak: well, I’m picky about food and its origins…..and I don’t like my food touching….so….I guess that makes me a bit of a freak.

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: not much since “Drunk Jayne” made her BBQ appearance in May.
Gone to the mall: yup. Although…I’d love to go to the store instead of the mall. ::shiver::
Eaten Sushi: oh….is that what we’re calling it nowadays?
Gone skating: On skates – no. On thin ice-yes.
Dyed your hair: only the hair on my head. You got a problem with that?

Layer Seven: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: APj vs. 7 buff Skydiving Ironworkers. I won. They still made me take my top off, but I won.
Gotten beaten up: nope. Again, I won.
Changed who you were to fit in: started to, but changed my mind instead.

Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age you’re hoping to be married: 1^st time I was 25.
Plastic Surgery or Wrap: Not crazy about going under a knife. So I’ll take the wrap.
Buried or Cremated: Cremated, for sure. I don’t want to be the skeleton hanging in the classroom of the future.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate

Best Eye Color: A color I can swim in. (note, two of my crushes have eyes I could swim in….)
Best Hair Color: A color I can smell (musky, like a forest floor)
Short or Long Hair: A length I can pull (just a little tug, mind you…)

Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 HOUR AGO: watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” ::sigh:: anybody wanna play Villa with me?
1 WEEK AGO: hoping for a man to come down my chimney. ::shiver::
1 MONTH AGO: Basking. Just basking. Nonofurbusiness!
1 YEAR AGO: making my Resolution List

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE: that I am a survivor.
I HATE: that my current life is not enough.
I HIDE: my fear
I MISS: his smell
I NEED: a want to be the same as a need.

Merry Christmas...or...Why I Just Love Facebook!

I am thoroughly exhausted from Christmas. "What did you do?" you inquire.
What - and Who - DIDN'T I do is more like it....
Let me share my Fabulous day....

::ding dong!::
"Who could possibly be at the door?" I panicked, "it's Christmas morning, for crying out loud!"
I stumbled to the door, wearing my lovely new outfit from Joy, and these bitching boots from Nic.
"Who is it?" I ask.
"Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas."
"Ya know, the last guy who called me a ho is buried out back," I retort, "so WHO are YOU!?!?"
"Well, I'll give you a hint. You once said something about licking butter off my--"
I quickly throw the door open, and yes....this is what Solitaire sent me to start my day:
Yes....I was a ho.....two or three times.
He left in a hurry after a call from Angelina, but promised to return. Soon.
::sigh::

"This is the best Christmas ever!" I effused, "how could this day get any better?"
::ding dong::
"Hello? Is this Airplane Jayne's house?"
"Yes, who are you?"
"Well, your sister JoJo thought you might like to play pirates with-"
"Holy shit!" I screamed, racing to open the door, "Orlando Bloom!?!?!? For reals!?!?!?"
Yes, it was Legolas/Will Turner.
"I met a friend of yours while I was in England," he said, "she sent these and asked if you would please stay away from her man Dan."

"To hell with my 'over thirty' rule," I thought to myself.

"Come here, little boy," I cooed, as I dragged that child down the hall.

Four hours and trips to the store later..I was recharging my batteries so to speak, eating these, sent by Dan when-

::ding dong::
"Hello?" I called, "who is it?"
"I'm back, " purred a now-familiar voice, "with the butter."
"Holy shit!" I raced to the door, "how is this possible?"

"Well," he smiled as he eyed my current ensemble, sent by a secret admirer, "your friend Nic didn't want to send Johnny, so I've come."
"No complaints," I gushed, grabbing the stick -- uh...of butter. "No complaints at all"

::sigh::
I just love Facebook. Leave me to my addiction. I will die with a smile on my face.

Finding the "J" Spot...

I’ve stolen this from my friend, Meg.

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS) You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

What is your name:
Jayne. I was named for both my mom - Janet, which means little Jane, and my dad – Jay. And yes, when I was little, they called me Jay-nee. Some still do. And some have fondly (I think) taken to doing so now.

2. 4 letter word:
jour (hey, I think that’s French for “Day” which is my last name….)

3.Vehicle:
Jeep. Which I would look so cute in – especially a fire-engine-red one.

4. A city
We could start with Janesville, Wisconsin, ‘cept they spelled it wrong, so that won’t do. We could try Juneau, Alaska, but I’m not in the mood for cold. But hey! There’s a place called “Jundah” in Australia. Crikey! I’m there!

5. Boy Name
Justin. Oh, I met one and he was hot, hot, hot. hmmm…..sorry, give me a moment, I’ve gone to the store.

6. Girl Name:
Jaelynn (I actually considered this for Erynn, but Voldemort didn’t like it)

7. Alcoholic drink:
Jack Rabbit! Oops, that’s the name of something else….Okay, how about Jello shooters? Probably not a good idea: we’ll end up with “Drunk Jayne” again…..Okay, we’ll settle for a James Fog…

8. Occupation
Jello-taster? Is that a job? Possibly a lot of licking? And slurping? Aw hell, I’ve gone to the store again.

9. Something you wear
jockstrap – oops, ‘cept I don’t wear one….okay, let's go with Jodhpurs

10. Celebrity
Jack Sparrow!
Johnny Depp!
Yup….at the store, again….

11. Food
jambalaya.

12. Something found in a bathroom
jack-- oops. Let's go with junk. just....junk....

13. Reason for Being Late
just because

14. Cartoon Character
Josey and the Pussycats! Long tails, and ears for hats.

15. Something you shout
Just wait til I catch you, fothermucker

16.Animal
jaguar.

17. Movie
Jaws. Messed me up for years.

18. Word to describe you
Juxtaposedly jaded, yet jubilant

Another (Late) 55.....and ANOTHER Conversation with God

Hello? Can I help you?
I have family court papers for you.
Oh, you must have the wrong address.
Are you Jayne Day Richardson?
Yes, yes, I am…
Nope! I’ve got the right house. Here you go…..ahhh, Merry Christmas.

::ring, ring::

Hello?
Michael.
Jayne.
Michael, what have you done?
Jayne, I'm just not happy anymore.

Hey God?

Yes, Jaynee.

God, even though I am in a much better place, and all is well in my life, this is always a difficult day. Please hold my hand today.

Missy, I've got you.

Hey....you sound like my Dad when you call me Missy.

I know....

Friday 55 - A Seasonal 55

An unmarried woman, heavy with child

An ungodly King, widely reviled.

Stable-bound, but heavenly birthed

Salvation’s Savior arrived on Earth.

Ignored by locals; revered by the wise

Who came bearing gifts, awe in their eyes.

So in the midst of the hustle of this joyful season,

Take a moment to honor, and remember the reason.

A Game of Tag!

Crazy Eights Tag

I was tagged by Smarmoofus to play a game of Crazy Eights. Nope -- not the card game.

::sigh::

I was always good at that one.... but here we go:

8 Things I’m passionate about

8. Pedicures. Seriously – play with my feet and I’m yours.

7. Finding love

6. My job. Wait, it’s not a job – it’s a passion.

5. laughter

4. Honesty

3. Friends

2. God

1. My food not touching.

Yes. I am more passionate about my food not touching than I am about anything else – even God. He’s just gotta understand that the gravy can’t touch the veggies….eww….I’m grossed out just thinking about it.

8 Things I want to do before I die

8. Christmas Eve in Disneyland

7. New Years Eve in Times Square

6. Go to Australia

5. Travel to Europe

4. Be the Disney Teacher of the Year

3. Be someone’s one true love

2. Fall in love

1. Have sex (again)

Hmmm… ya’ know, I’m SURE I could put some of these things together and kill two birds with one 2x4…

8 Things I often say
8. Write my show!

7. Why should I have to make the first move

6. But I didn’t know he was interested

5. -Because he's not over 30! That's why!

4. Come here, little boy

3. Because it really is all about me.

2. No (although I am working on this one)

1. I love you too, Erynn

Some of you may disagree with the order I’ve assigned. F@$K you.

8 Books I’ve recently or currently reading

The Golden Compass, by Philip Pullman

Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer

New Moon, by Stephanie Meyer

Eclipse, by Stephanie Meyer

Pretty Little Mistakes, by Heather Mcelhatton

Tolkien and Lewis: The Gift of Friendship by Colin Duriez

Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince, by J. K. Rowling (yes, I am an entire book behind…)

Fluke, by Christopher Moore

(please remember that I’m a middle school teacher…I try to read many of the books that my students do)

8 Songs I could listen to over and over

8. Crazy Bitch, by Buckcherry
Hey! You’re crazy, bitch. But you f@#K so good I’m on top of it….

7. Carolina in my Mind, by James Taylor
Hey baby, the skies on fire….

6. Hallelujah, by k.d. lang
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya…

5. Can’t Get Next to You, by the Temptations
I can live forever, if I so desire…

4. Friday, I’m in Love, by The Cure
Thursday, never looking back, it’s Friday; I’m in Love!

3. Like I Do, by Melissa Etheridge
You found out to love me, you’ll have to climb some fences..

2. Moonshadow, by Cat Stevens
If I ever lose my eyes, if my colors all run dry….

1. Savior, by kien lim.
Scatter her soul to the wind, the rush of the wind is beckoning.

8 Things that attract me to my best friends

8. Laughter

7. Talent

6. hair

5. Soul

4. Eyes

3. Intelligence

2. Wit

1. Butt

Yes….I do look at my friends’ butts. I can’t help it. But see – then I’m looking at the Wit. Hmmm…how do you look at wit? Where’s that kept!?!?!? (gawd, now all my best friends are going to know what I’m up to!)

8 People I think should do Crazy 8s

Okay....that sounds like some kinky version of Twister. Like Nekkid twister. If you feel like playing, play. Call me if you need a second....

What My Friends Said in 2007

In years past, I think I've shared my favorite posts. This year, I think I would like to share some of my favorite comments from all my bloggy buddies.

I had a not-so-gentlemanly gentleman caller at the beginning of the year. This led to many offers of help and assistance.....including my favorite groper/stalker, Mintz:

all I can picture now is you as Kelly McGillis in Witness. Disrobing. Just for me. Except you aren't gay. And I'm definitely no Harrison Ford. But I have 2 1/2 bathrooms for your use.

My connotation/denotation lesson on Urge and Desire included one of the shortest responses from the oh-so-long-winded-but-appreciated SGL:

..urge has hair on it.(and will break down the door.) ...desire wears cologne.(and calls for you to open.)

March, of course, found me being Rogued....and Rogued well, I might add. Giving thanks and recognition (where due, of course), brought this challenge(?) from my favorite troubadour of dark pop:

And then what does one do with the lion tamer's pants off......?!
Oh ok, I'll leave that one to you APJ........

And now we break for station-identification....and because I've just got to give myself a timeout and go to the store, do you mind!?!?!?

April showers found me questioning my sexuality -- but happily discovering that yes, we have and like....bananas. My unconfined friend, shared this:

Holy cats! I'm more gay than you!cheezwhiz.I'm 36% gay.It was the masturbation question, wasn't it? I should have answered that differently.... GUILT! OH, the SHAME...

July found me respinning a Princess Erynn tale, after which Lime effused,

you DO tell the best stories!

August saw me sharing the saving of APjayne, prompting this Lecram gem,

Yeah... those voices in the wilderness are the ones that often count the loudest. Wonderful count!

September found me grateful, and this posted:

If "Thank You" was the only prayer one knew, it would be enough.Bestest, Kien

September also found me looking for a hot handyman to...err....nail with. My....mastery of powertools led kfarmer to extoll:

Woman, you ain't scared of nuthing~I adore your sense of adventure and you of course :)

October found me lost in the rapture of tandem shopping... Of course, that dyslexic color-blind foreigner couldn't help himself

I see... said the blind man as he was picking your pocket.

In November, I was waxing on and on about me-me-me-me

So, of course, I got this from my favorite groper (because the restraining order expired)

Awesome, the best, amazing WHOO!I've orgasmed just from your amazing responses.Great Job, Missy!And who should you feel up? Kien Lim. Two by Four first, then go for it.

Marc Jacobs stomped all over December, which led to this from my favorite two-legged horse,

IF...a single article of clothing could completely, and utterly, describe an individual to their very core..these boots are APJ.They have, is some part, inspired a bit I wrote about dear APJ, and have (I have on good authority) rended heart from mind for a few poor souls whom glanced upon said footwear, and the red-headed firebrand stacked inside them.These are not mere boots, but a clear challenge to all testosterone-bearing beings within view..are you up to the task? Well, are you punk??I close with an admonition, specifically to you stalwarts that are now counting the moments until you try..be warned, there are many a fellow about, licking his wounds for failing to come up to the task with our dear APJ..she is precious and deserves much, and if you think yourself up to the task, then harden yourself (stop that APJ..your interupting my literary flow) and step into the ring. We shall judge your worth...

It has been a wonderful year, thanks to all my wonderful bloggy friends. Happy Holidays!

Conversations with God

So I thought I would share with you my journal entry from this morning. After reading Psalm 20:1 "May the Lord answer you in distress..."
I dissolved, once again, into a fit of laughter.

For any of this to make sense, we must go back in time.....go back to Sunday A.M.
My script for the annual Christmas Pageant had been missing for two weeks. I had looked everywhere: the house, my classroom, church, my car. All locations had been searched multiple times. I KNEW I needed a "Plan B": rewrite it, choose a different script, or write a completely new one.
--but I did nothing. Stubbornly sticking to my original, but unsuccessful, "Plan A."

"God," I said as I went to bed Saturday night, "I know the script will turn up. Amen"

--however, I set the alarm for 5:30AM....just in case...

I awoke at 5:30 - made the cursory pass through the house to see what God has done, and I hear--
"Go Look in the Car"
"I already looked in there."
"Go look in the-"
"But God! It's cold out ther-"
"Go-"
"Fine, Lord, fine! I'm going!"
So go outside I did. Stomped to the car with an empty laundry basket, and emptied the back seat and the trunk into it! muttering, of course, the entire time.

I huffed back inside and set the basket on the table. As I started down the hall, to search, yet again, an already thrice searched spot, I heard-
"Empty the Basket."
"Oh, come on, God...Seriously, You KNOW I already looked i-"
"Empty the bask-"
"Fine, Lord, fine! I will empty the basket. I will bathe seven times in the river..."
Grudgingly, I started pulling things out of the basket, making piles on the table, and
voila!
-THE SCRIPT
-RIGHT THERE.
With a sheepish grin, and a rather loud laugh.....I thanked God. Profusely.

Of course, I then proceeded to bombard and pepper Him:
"Seriously, God, seriously? This is the prayer You answered? Seriously? My pageant script? Geez....You certainly do have a twisted sense of humor.....kinda dark, eh?"

Or....maybe I'm asking all the wrong questions.....Maybe....maybe this was the only RIGHT question I've asked lately.....

"Okay, God - You win (as usual). I will be open to You and Your Will. Right here, right now, today and this week. I trust that, just as you placed that script JUST where and when I needed it to be, that You will place WHO and WHAT I need JUST where they and it need to be.
Amen

Just call me Trixie....

Once again...Jayne has stumbled into Blogthings! As usual, I have commented in purple:

You Are Christmas

More than most people, you are able to find magic in life's small moments. Yes, small presents are sometimes the best... Traditions mean a lot to you, and you tend to be quite nostalgic. You are a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. The true meaning!?!?!? Just buy me a present! You inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as you are. As long as they buy me a present... What makes you celebrate: Tradition and a generous spirit -and a present! At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The storyteller. You like to recount memories with everyone. a-about the best present I ever got! On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Give a gift to everyone you know Even if they didn't get me a present!

What Holiday Are You?

Your Elf Name Is...

Trixie Sticky Fingers

What's Your Elf Name?

Okay....I'm kinda liking Trixie....but can somebody tell me how my fingers got sticky? On second thought, maybe I don't wanna know....

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love. Christmas is very emotional for me. I am so glad that Erynn feels that she still must come home at Christmas. You celebrate the holidays in a minimalist style. You are likely to only give one great present and decorate your house with a few special items. Who are they talking about!?!?!? Scuse me -- I'm the one with two trees, a miniature village, and Christmas in the Loo....Seriously.... During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in. Now this is more like me! I love walking/driving and looking at yard lights and decorations. You think the holidays should be energetic and packed with activities. You'll double up on caffeine and sugar if that's what it takes to get you through them. Duh. I will rest when I'm dead. "Party on, dude" whilst alive, I say. Your favorite holiday memories strongly evoke your senses. You are vividly aware of all the tastes, smells, and sounds of the holidays. My holiday memories, both good and bad, are very strong.

What Do the Holidays Mean to You?

Your Christmas Song Is

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, You would even say it glows. For you, Christmas is a mix of tradition and fun. You're not above strapping on a red blinking nose for a laugh Okay -- somehow they worked "strap-on" and "blinking" and "laugh" into the same sentence....

What Christmas Carol Are You?

55? - My Marc Jacobs boots can't drive 55!

“Pour some sugar on me!”

these boots call out.

When I wear them,

I strut.

-can’t help it,

(but I don’t think I would if I could).

They were a gift from a friend,

"ostentatious", some would say.

But I say they’re just jealous,

or chicken...

When I wear them,

I strut.

-can’t help it.

Human Bowling...ala APj

I thought ya'll might like to see what I've chosen to do with my college education....

IT'S RAINING COWS!?!?!?

...this has got to be one of the funniest skydiving commercials ever!

Another APj Horoscope commentary

Okay, I know, I know, I should be working on writing my Rogue show. But in the tradition of many long-necked birds, I shall put my head in the sand, read the paper, feed my Facebook addiction, read my horoscope-

OMIGAWD!!!!!!!

"It will be easier for you from now on to decide to lead a less hectic life, to eat and sleep at regular hours, to do indispensable daily exercise."

Yea....right. Regular hours?!?!? Me. Not gonna happen.

"Concentrate your attention on certain professional problems."

It is Friday. As my students would say, "Dude, I so do NOT have to concentrate on school."

"You'll feel the desire to know new erotic experiences, particularly if you're entertaining relationships with a person whom you met recently."

Omigawd....See!?!?!? It's not me that always brings it back to sex! IT'S MY SIGN!!!!!

Friday 55 - Princess Erynn

"But why can't I play with her?"

"Because you have no hands."

"Why do I need hands to play?"

"Sweetie, how can you catch with no hands?"

"Mommy, I'll just hit the ball back to her. I'll be fine. Don't worry."

"Run along then, my little unicorn. Play with Princess Erynn and her baby dragon."

WTF!?!?!?

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* sex (5x)
* kill (4x)
* hurt (2x)
* gun (1x)

Well.....fu-- frick.

Here I thought I was PG-13 and all, and dam--darnit!

Hell with 'em! I don't want 'em under 17 anyway!
Truth be told...I don't want 'em under 30!

Okay....Don't laugh.....but....

I am looking for a Dragon, a Monkey, or a Pig. No Horses need apply. Seriously.

Voldemort, aka ex-husband, was a Horse. See what it says? "Fatal attraction leads to terminal dissension. Chinese warn off this one." Where the heck were they when we hooked up!?!?!?

Jayne and a monkey: --hmm, and I'd only just discovered spanking the monkey.... but this sounds interesting: "Cute couple." Hel-LO, I am cuteness person- err, I mean ra-ton-i-fied. But what's this? "Rat likes a safe home." what's so bad about that? "Monkey doesn't mind" Well, I should fricking hope not! Hmmm, upon reflection this may be a bit too safe for APj.

Jayne and a dragon: "Unforgettable. Go for it." ::shiver:: I've always liked dragon epics --perhaps there was an underlying reason, hmm? I mean, I'm done making babies (unless George or Brad want more), but the "beautiful music on a four poster bed. " I am all there, baby.

Jayne and a pig: "Joyful union. Pig gets money" big deal, money is not that important to me. "Rat gets lavish lifestyle." not so big a deal. Maybe this isn't so goo-
--whoa.
Whats this?
"Splendid no-holds barred sex."
::shiver:: ::shiver::
--sorry, you'll have to excuse me.....okay, back now, where was I? Oh yeah.
Tie me to the bedpost!!!!

I like Dreaming....

Okay - most of you know I've got a very ACTIVE dream life. Hey, the day-to-day APj can be a be mundane (with the occasional earthquake)...

I have dreams of finding rooms....finding potties.....finding potty rooms. Which is strange, but the dream I had the other night!?!?!? DOOZIE!

I'm sitting out back in Marcel's room--
-That's not the doozie part -- that's actually very normal. And he's got it pretty cleaned out now -- so there really is a place to sit
- anyhoo, we're sitting there talking and chatting, Marcel, myself, and my friend Linda. I realize that Marcel and Linda are flirting with each other (yes, I can always see it when it doesn't involve me) and I'm thinking, "That would be odd. Wait until she sees that he has seven toes on his left foot."
-Strange part #1. Marcel's left foot has the normal number of toes.
--but we're talking, and Marcel stands up to pour another round of Absinthe
-that's not strange -- that's typical
-when his toga flies open. Yes, I said his toga! There with all his bizniz on viewing to the world! I pull his toga back down, but it continues to flap open!
::knock knock::
"Oh!" says Marcel, springing up to answer the door, "that must be the neighbor with my new sheets."
--okay, kinda strange, but wait, it gets worse.
As he crosses the floor, (toga flapping open and me frantically trying to keep him covered), and opens the door, who is there?
--one of my students. in a toga. that keeps flapping open, exposing his bizniz.

Lordy, lordy! Now I've two togas to keep down.
So they get the sheets changed, with much exposure in the process....my student leaves (thank God), and so does Linda.
::knock knock::
Worried that it may be my student again.....I look to Marcel questioningly.
"Oh," Marcel reassures, "it's probably the pizza."
And it is the pizza, delivered by the hottest buff and bald delivery guy I've seen.
"APj!" Marcel enthuses, "this is my friend sh$tk!?" *Damn! This guy's name is the only detail I don't remember from the dream...
"Nice to meet you, " I say to him. "Have we met before? You look familar."
Mr. Clean begins, "I don't think we've-"
"Apj," interjects Marcel, "sh$tk!? used to play Vinne Babarino's little brother on Kotter."
--yes, yes, that is strange #2. Vinnie didn't have no little bro.
So we're sitting around Marcel's place, eating stuffed crust pizza, Mr. Clean making goo-goo eyes at APj,Apj worrying about Marcel's toga, and Marcel mixing more deadly drinks, when Marcel utters the words that spring me awake:
"Hey, why don't we smoke a bowl?"

SMOKE A BOWL!?!?!?!? I haven't heard that phrase in 20 years!!! I woke up cracking up.

Here's a copy of the email letter I wrote the next day:

Marcel,

I am exhausted -- you kept me up way too late last night! I mean, having pizza (stuffed crust, no less) delivered at midnight was one thing, but getting me to "smoke a bowl" at 2 am!?!?!? My god, man! What are you trying to do to me?

Nope -- it wasn't that.

Although it was odd that you were hitting on my friend, Linda, while you were wrapped in a towel. And now, in hindsight, it is even stranger that an ex-student of mine was wandering around outside wrapped in a towel....

But thanks so much for introducing me to your friend. I didn't know you knew the guy who played Vinnie Babarino's brother --heck, I didn't even remember that he had a brother! I'm not normally attracted to bald men -- but he was very handsome. I hope he calls.

Okay -- I've got to go back to teaching.....but I've got a horrible case of the munchies!

APj

Friday 55

Okay....I know that I'm early -- but I don't want to forget....or, truth be told, chicken out on posting this. So--here it is:

Your breath makes my lips wet,
With no regret
I close my eyes,
calm my knees and thighs
buckling and threatening to leave me
in a puddle of sighs.

Catching me catching mine,
Your eyes smile
--real or crocodile?
I'm not sure, but don't really care
Feeling Savior Faire
I dive into the deep end.

APj 11/07

Jayne doing ANOTHER survey....

I got this from Captain Wiffle:
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions...No repeats on songs!

Pick an artist: Rod Stewart

1. Are you a male or female?
Lady Luck

2. Describe yourself:
Hot Legs

3. How do you feel about yourself?
I Don’t Want to Talk About It.

4. Describe where you currently are:
Infactuation

5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Fooled Around and Fell in Love or Gasoline Alley

6. Your best friend is:
Three Time Loser

7. Your favorite color is:
Blue Moon

8. You know that:
Blondes Have More Fun

9. What's the weather like?
An Old Raincoat Won’t Ever Let You Down

10. If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
You Wear it Well or Reason to Believe

11. What is life to you?
Every Picture Tells a Story

12. What is the best advice you have to give?
The First Cut is the Deepest

13. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Maggie May or Sweet Little Rock and Roller

All About Me (again...or still....or whatevah)

Okay, I got this from Steph, who doesn’t care if you prefer coke or pepsi, or have ridden a roller coaster, nor what your last texty message said! (Humpf - friendly guy, eh?) BUT...he wants the answers to these questions. In fact, he dares people to answer them.

"Fine," I retort, "game on!"

1. When's the last time you had sex?
::dances nekkid around the room::: Didn’t you read the post!?!?!?

2. Did you orgasm?
Yes. I called out a few choice words and names. I’m very glad the people I called on didn’t show up.

3. Why or why not? Because it would not be a good time to come face to face with your Maker.
Omigawd—I said “come” “face” and “maker” in the same sentence. I am so going to Hell….

4. If you could punch someone in the face and have no consequences, who would you punch? George W. Bush

5. What's the 'worst' drug you've ingested? Are you wanting to know taste, trip, or trow-up? Taste has to have been the mushrooms in college. Ewwww. Trip has to have been some pill cocktail they gave me in high school. Trow-up has to have been the whiskey/wine/margarita night in my front yard. Last year. No more drunk-jayne.

6. What was your first rock concert?
Jefferson Starship. I had a crush on a guy that was with my group. He drove a Barracuda.

7. How old were you when you first got stoned?
Fourteen. Didn’t like it much – I was always too paranoid: “Everyone knows I’m stoned. I need to hide.”

8. Who was the worst influence in your life? One of my “friends” in high school.

9. Why were they such a bad influence? She caused me to doubt myself.

10. What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone else? Ask them.

11. Remember that one time you got revenge?
What did you do? Shhh…..I slept with an ex-boyfriends best friend. And then told said “best friend” to tell the ex!

(okay, maybe this should be for #10 also).

12. If you were going to kill yourself, what method would you use? Pills. Lots of them.

13. What's your biggest superstition?Lady with the Flashlight Eyes. She’s real.

14. Which celeb of the same sex would you like to bang?
Melissa Etheridge. Cause she’s got a gravelly low voice…and plays guitar…and sings…..::shiver::

15. Do you have porn in the house or saved on your computer? Definitely not on computer. I find most porn boring. I want the story, not just the bang. And I want hot guys—not the scary-huge-in-a-not-sexy way that seem to populate the pornos…

16. What's your most innocent 'fetish?'
I like to play with a man’s hair: run my fingers through it, twirl it, maybe just a little pull….

17. Why do you still lie to people? Because they keep believing me.

18. If the Bible means a lot to you and you tend to live by it, why do you choose to disobey one or more commandments? Because free will gets in the way. I choose to do the best I can on a daily basis, and know that I am loved and forgiven.

19. Can you even name the ten commandments?

Watch/listen and weep! Cause I can name that tune in less than ten seconds:

God, idols, oaths, rest, respect, murder, stealing, adultery, lying, lust.
Amazing. Yes. I know.

20. Do you feel like a hypocrite sometimes? Yes. For example, when people come into my classroom and say, “Wow! That must’ve taken you hours to do," and it’s something I tossed together that morning…

21. If you could just feel up a friend without consequence, who would it be?
Not gonna tell ya, ‘cause then I might lose the opportunity to feel him up for real! I’ve decided that the two-by-four-to-the-head plan aint so bad.

But hey: how about this? Why don't YOU tell me WHOM I should feel up?

22. Would you rather be deaf or blind?
I would rather be blind. I know so many of you would disagree – but to not hear music or a lover’s whisper ever again would be too painful…

23. If you HAD to choose one of these, would you rather be gay/straight (the opposite of what you are now) or have your pinkie sheared off?
Cut the pinkie off! I like boys- gay OR straight!

24. If you could kill anyone in history, no consequence, who BESIDES Hitler would it be?
George W. Bush. Before he became president and got us 9 trillion bucks in debt.

25. Teacher/Student sex scandals = icky, or kind of a turn on? Icky. VERY icky. As a woman, mother and a teacher, I just have to say that I am disgusted by the apparent double-standard.

26. Have you ever had an orgasm thanks to a sex toy?
Hel-LO!?!?!? Did you not read this post!?!?!?

27. Do you masturbate?? I’m too lazy – that’s what #26 is for.

28. How many times a week do you masturbate, on average? An average masturbation is not worth it. Go for stupendous, I always say.

29. Do you ever fantasize about someone other than who you're with?
Being as I’m not “with” someone, what do you think!?!?!? Oh…and did you somehow miss this post? Or this one?

30. If heaven exists, what do you hope to hear God say when you enter the Pearly Gates?
"You again, APj!?!?!? How many times are we going to have to send you back?"

For Erynn

I sang this song 22 years ago while I was pregnant with Erynn. When she came out screaming, (as babies do), I started singing this song, and she stopped crying. So, of course, this was her lullaby. I remember the first time she heard it on the radio -- and got mad at the way "that guy" was singing it! I think it still settles her heart -- so, Erynn, this is for you. Peace

Feeling colorful...

Yeah!!! A meme! I love these!
Are you a Spring? A Fall? Who the frick cares - I wanna know what crayon I am:

You Are Cameo Cameo?!? Like the jewelry? Or that bad 80's band? Come on, what color is cameo!?!?!?

You are understanding and very empathetic. Yes, I am very understanding, and can be empathetic. Unless I just think you're a whiner You don't tend to have acquaintances. Everyone is your friend. ...even the voices in my head. Actually, that should be "usually the voices in my head" --UNLESS THEY'RE BEING WHINEY!!! NO Whiners!! And all of your friends tend to be friends. You have a knack for bringing very different people together. (We prefer "unique." "Different sounds so....strange)

What Color Orange Are You?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm really not an orange person. Let's try another color. How about

You Are Teal Green (Now this even sounds better....teal.....)

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. (except maybe the voices in my head....) Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. True! True! I believe impossible actually is "I'm possible!" While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. My quirks are kept in the drawer, thank you. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have. Strange habits!?!?!? Humpf....you say, "Strange," I say, "eccentric." Both require batteries...

What Color Green Are You?

Happy Birthday to Me!

"Hello!? Mr. Zodiac? It's me -- APj --back to find out more about me."

"APj!?!? It's been a year or so - how've you been?"

"More of the same -- but I'm changing. I'm trying to come out of my shel-"

"Well, you know, APj, the Scorpion is one intense little creature, with enough poison in its own tail to disable or kill a much larger opponent.

"Hey - wait a minute -- I was just joking when I said that bit about hitting 'em over the head and dragging them down-"

"::ahem:: -but the problem with this kind of built-in biological weaponry is that it must be mastered in order to be used most effectively. You Scorpios can use your "stinger" for self-defense, using your powerful emotional awareness to render your opponent harmless. But there is a sexual component of poisonous tail also, and until you learn to control those strong urges, you may find yourself in uncomfortable situations.

"sorry -- you lost me at sex. and strong urges. but ya know -- it wasn't as uncomfort-"

"APj! Focus! We'll get off the sex-"

"heh-heh - you said get off-"

"FOCUS! Scorpio is the only sign that has three animal totems. First, there is the well-known Scorpion with its active tail. Second, as the Scorpio learns to master its passion and hold its instincts at bay, it changes into the Eagle. The Eagle has more perspective, for it flies high above the surface of circumstances, swooping down with its power only to kill prey for food. In its third form, the Scorpion becomes the always-peaceful dove.

"Cool! So I really can fly! I like that I'm changing-"

"The real meaning of Scorpio is thus shown. Scorpio is about metamorphosis."

"Wait - you'd better mean change, and not a stupid cockroach. I hated that book!"

"No, you are definitely not a cockroach. Your motto might be "What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious." You are the detectives of the zodiac. Your magnetic personality draws others to you."

"Yeah - but how come I seem to draw the ones I'm not interested in? Why do the ones I'm interested in remain....so.....secretive?"

"Perhaps because you can also be secretive yourself, for you learn early on that when you express everything, others may be scared by the power of your feelings. You desperately want to have someone to merge with your feelings, but can become cold and withdrawn when hurt in love. You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all."

"Mr. Zodiac, that is so true. I see this in me! When I feel vulnerable, I withdraw before I can be hurt. What else can you tell me?"

"APj, the New Moon in your sign this weekend turns up the heat in relationships."

"Mr. Zodiac, I don't have a relationship -- remember?"

"APj, whether you like it or not, your passion level is rising and you're not about to make compromises to get what you want.

"Yes, this is true. I learned the hard way that some compromises end up making everyone involved miserable."

"Hold firm: if your intensity pushes someone away, then this person doesn't have what it takes to keep you happy in the long run.

"I want someone who can go the distance -- even if I've got to stop for a breather..."

"APj, I know that it's your birthday"

"Yup! Woo-hoo! What's on the horizon for the day, Mr. Z?"

"APj, You have extravagant tastes, but that's only because you believe you deserve the best of everything.
"Duh. It is, after all, ALL ABOUT ME!!!"
Born with a healthy portion of self-esteem, you have no problem going after what you want in the world -- and getting it!
"Humpf! May have been true of the APj twenty years ago -- and yes, I am striving to regain that boldness!"

"That's the spirit Little Warrior! Don't be afraid to grow beyond yourself. Your ruling planet Pluto crosses paths with attractive Venus, anchoring your sensual needs to the heat at the bottom of the volcano."

"Okay - you said attractive....sensual....heat.....bottom....and volcano. Not only did I go to the store and squeeze the melons, I crumbled the cookies and had to take a shower..."

"Come back from the store. Forget about the store! It is no longer about the store! You are not likely to have a lighthearted attraction now. This is either about passionate love or intense hate, and possibly both. Make whatever allowances are necessary for anyone who is not able to join you in the profound depth of your current feelings."

So, my friends, there it is: APj's birthday horoscope. According to Mr. Z and Me, I'm turning a corner, taking risks, and jumping off the mountain. Anybody feel like skydiving?

Edit: oops -- post showed wrong date. Actual b-day is Nov.5th. Guy Fawkes Day. Woo-hoo, long live anarchy! Blow something (up) today!