Practicing My Rogue Show!

Dear Bloggers,
I would like to introduce you to my partner in my new Rogue Show: this is DJ. DJ is helping me create my Man-I-Can for my show. The first week at my house, he hung around nekkid. Nekkid, because I don't have any man clothes at my house anymore!
I can hear you! You're thinking, "Is he anatomically correct?" The short answer is - No. No, but -
Um....he doesn't "dent in" like Ken (the Barbie Ken) did -
-Can I just say I think Ken messed me up for years?
- But there's no......umm......parts. More like a .....codpiece. Interesting.
He kinda freaked me out the first night. Okay, he really freaked me out - I kept forgetting he was there, and I'd come around the counter, and, "Oh shit! There's a nekkid man in my dining ro - oh, it's only my mannequin."
This happened three or four times that evening, before I finally crawled into bed,with my brain musing, "wouldn't it be funny if he was standing somewhere else when you woke up?"

I replied, "NO, Brain!!!!! No, that wouldn't be funny!!!!!"

But once the thought was planted, it grew at warp speed in APj's fertile nightmare brain. "Oh, I know: what if you get up to go to the bathroom and he's at the end of the hall.....and when you come out of the bathroom his arms have switched positions.....and then when you roll over in bed you can see him in the doorway....and then, and then, and then."
Shit.
I had to get out of bed, go to the kitchen, take his arms off and place them on the counter.

"Well, "warned my brain, "he can still hurt you."

"No he can't," I retorted, "he doesn't even have a peni"

"That doesn't matter!" my brain replied, "he can headbutt you to death!"

"Fine!" I whispered through clenched teeth, "I'll just remove his torso, and place it over here on the table! How's that, brain? Can we go to sleep yet?"

"No."

"No? Why?"

"Because, because his lower half could still walk into the bedroom and att-"

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A PENI-"

"SO!!!!! He could strangle you with his plastic thighs! And he'd be so pissed you took him apart-"

"Fine! I've got this!" I reply, as I turn his lower half so that it's facing the counter, "everyone knows a mannequin can't back up."

"They can't?" questions Brain.

"No," I responded confidently, "I saw it on Dr. Who."

DJ and I are working on our show, which opens in (crap!) 10 days. He keeps losing his hand, or trying to upstage me. I'll try to post more stories and pictures over the next few days.

So it is written, so let it be done....

Crap. I guess I'd better finish the last few bits.....

Today, I am celebrating saying, "Yes"

DA COUNT!
I have a hard time saying, "No."
Some of my friends would disagree with that statement, but it's true. If you ask me, I'll probably say yes.
Please note: ask. Not beat around a bush, not accidentally imply, just ask.

::sigh:: I think I'm going off on a tangent - a tangent I don't want to deal with right now.

Because today, I'm counting...and celebrating..... "Yes."

"APj, would you like some coffee?"
"Yes."




"Apj, would you put a tiara on your head, a feather boa around your neck, and a cardboard box 'car' around you and race it around the gym for the rally?"
"Yes"







"APj, would you please help me with my taxes?"
"Yes."




"APj, would you put this air-filled Sumowrestler costume on and wrestle one of the wrestlers that won the City championship?"
"Yes."














See? Just ask me.....


"Apj, can I pull your hair?"

Tag. It's not a game for children...

So, I got tagged over on my Facebook. Actually, I got tackled - like four people at once. Ouch. Not wanting to be a spoil-sport, I played. Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. I did it, but thought I'd put it up here too!

::sigh:: I always hated tag - all that chasey-chasey wore me out!

wait - that's a good one - let's start there:

1. Don't make me chase you - it's just gonna make me mad when I catch you. Plus you'll have to wait while I catch my breath.
2. I am very aware of breath. If yours is bad, I'm not interested.
3. I don't like my food touching. Yes, I know that most of you know that already. But it is very random. And it is me. At least I'm not one of those OCD people who eat all of one food before they start on the next.
4. I don't mind people with food issues. It takes the attention off of my issues.
5. I have potty issues in my dreams. Often, in my dreams, my toilet is viewable to the world. Which makes want to hide.
6. Sometimes, when I'm hiding in the closet in my dreams, I find really cool rooms that I wish were real. One time I found an entire apartment. Another time I found a really cool bathroom. But it didn't have a toilet.
7. Two of my friends bought me lunch trays so I don't have to worry about my food touching. I love my friends.
8. I have a song written about me.
9. I have a song written about my horse.
10. That line about having a song to sing all over this land? That's just stupid.
11. I moved to California when I was 19 because I had a wild hair up my @#!. Getting waxed would probably have been less painful.
12. Pain is not always a bad thing.
13. I removed the stitches/staples from my hip because the toysRus doctor was too wimpy.
14. I almost shot my refrigerator one night because I thought there was a burglar in the kitchen. Ask me sometime -- it really was funny. Not at-the-moment-funny -- but later-that-week-funny.
15. People think that I am stronger than I think I am. Actually, you could put a whole lot of different adjectives there....
16. I see nothing wrong with my shallowness. Hey, it worked for Hal, didn't it?
17. Vanilla wafers and cream cheese frosting. Yum.
18. I have really hot-looking friends. Which sometimes makes me a little insecure. Until I remember that I'm shallow - not insecure.
19. It is 16 steps from my front yard to the front door.
20. I love it when my friends pick out people for me to date because I suck at picking them out for myself.
21. I probably suck at #20 because I am shallow.
22. I think there is one plant in the middle of Iowa that makes tuna and cat food. It's just different labels on the can.
23. I love that the Rogue adopted me. They have been very good to me. (Big shout-out to the #1 "Rogue Has-bean") :)
24. I am very excited about a trip I am planning for this summer.
25. I am still writing my Rogue show. ::sigh::

My Interview!

Lime graciously consented to interviewing me, and here are my responses:

1. Out of 6 interviewees there were only 2 women who volunteered, both are known Rogues. The interviewer is a Rogue wannabe. You have already penned and performed a one woman show and are working on this year's show. Pitch a show to me for next year involving you, Ms. Solitaire, and me. Umm....please see #5 below for the show.

2a. When you "go to the store" do you take a shopping list? No one appreciates an....impromptu trip to the store more than I. However, there is something to be said for....planning. I find when I write things down, or at least tell my "shopping partner" the things I really want or need, that it usually leads to....ummmm....shall we say....a more pleasant experience? Seriously, don't you just hate getting home and realizing you forgot to get the one thing you went to the store for anyway!?!?

2b. Paper or plastic? Paper!?!? Seriously, they come in paper!?!?!? Ewwww......that is just disgusting. And plastic....that is just so "ungreen." I'm thinking I'll forego paper and plastic, and stick with the real thing, thankyouverymuch.

2c. Is self checkout less of a hassle or do you feel like you should get some sort of "good customer discount" for handling things yourself?As I shared in last year's Rogue show and a previous post, there are many advantages to "self checkout." I certainly do feel that since I am doing all the....loading and arranging, not to mention pushing my own cart, I ought to get some kind of discount or upgrade. Hey! How about some kind of frequent shopper stamp or something -- you know, like after ten solo shopping trips I get a tandem one for free?

3. What do you think about when you are in free fall? Twenty+ years later, and this is still the question people want the answer to! About 30 (egads) years ago, Spider Robinson and his wife wrote a book, Stardance. The main character was a dancer - who was considered too large and heavy to be a dancer. So she started dancing in Space - freefall style. THAT'S what freefall was for me: dancing in air.

4. Give me a list of tunes we will dance to on our pole dancing/bus ride adventures?Our tunes need to cover a....variety of.....situations that may.....ahem.....arise... so I think we'll start the tour with "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake, because we are bringing it back, damnit. I think next will be "Kiss" by Prince, 'cause it's just hot. This may, of course lead to "I kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry. Not that I'm planning on kissing any girls...but if we're whirling and twirling, it just may happen....which may (or may not) lead to "London Bridge" by Fergie for a finale.

5. An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?
This is my 2010 Rogue Show, starring Apj, Lime and Solitaire. The evil Princess Solitaire has not only taken over the Rogue, but has her sights on the world as well. And if the world won't bow to her will.... But never fear! APj and Lime know of her rubber chicken and peanuts fetish (did she say "peanus"?) and are not afraid to throw peanuts her way (did she really say "peanus?")! And if all else fails, APj and Lime have the Spoon of Swoon, which always reduces the Princess to a puddle.

yes, yes, I know - I didn't use the Aquanet. Hey -- you gotta have something for the sequel, right?

Sex!?!?!?!?!? EWWWWWWW......

I remember the first time I met my ex-M.I.L. Voldemort was out when she stopped by, so I invited her in to wait.
"Voldemort has told me so much about you. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thanks. And you?"
"I'm so horny! I haven't had sex in a week. I swear I could have an orgas..."

::THUD:: (the sound of my jaw hitting the floor)

I don't remember most of the rest of the conversation - because all I could think was,
"Holyfrickingcow I can't believe this old woman is still even wanting to have sex! Did she just say 'oral'? Crap, I think she did. Crap; I think she expects me to say something. What should I say? All I could think was, 'Ew, lady, I would have thought your hoo-hoo would be retired by now!?!? I mean, come on, you're over 40 for cryingoutloud!!!'

Yup, at the wise age of 21, I thought someone over 40 having sex was - gross. I swear it made me throw up (a little) in my own mouth - yeah, that's gross too. But seriously, the thought of "this old woman" having oral--
::shudder::

Ahh.....the irony of it all -- to find myself "over-forty," and standing in front of an audience, and talking about: sex (or the lack of it).
kinda gross -- especially if there's 20-somethings in the crowd.
So, as to assuage the masses (okay, the small polite crowd would be a more accurate description of my Rogue audiences), I like refer to my....."encounters" using my most favorite euphemism:
GOING TO THE STORE

Some of you are familar with this expression. Heck, I think I may have at least run around the parking lot with one or two of you...and some of you I've taken to the store - even if it was just my imagination...running away with me....

::sigh::
As I've said in the past, shopping alone is not necessarily a bad thing: I don't have to hold my stomach in, or wear makeup. I don't have to shave my legs. I don't have to worry about how long we're going to be having se-- err, shopping, or how much sleep I really need. I don't have to have the "I told you the last time, don't push your...cart....down... that....lane" conversation.

Yes, yes, I know - we are not meant to...shop alone. And I do appreciate someone else being in charge of selecting the...fresh produce. And pushing the cart. But damn! There are so many things to be relearned -
-like how do you get from the parking lot to the store? I mean, do you make it look like an accident, or do you announce that you really want to go inside?
-or the art of pushing the cart. Fast? slow? Both sides of the aisle? Left to right, or right to left?
-maybe no cart at all - just a handbasket....
-not putting something heavy on top of the..."bread" - it just gets smooshed flat. Flat bread, no good.
-oh, and remembering to make sure "they" get what they wanted at the store. It is not, after all, all about my cookies. Oh, but should you crush my cookies, we.....will NOT be shopping together again.

All this store-talk has made me....hungry. I'm gonna go see what's on the....shelf.

**EDIT POST**
My ex-M.I.L. and I are no longer in contact, but she and my daughter are very close. I am happy (?) to say, she continues to talk about sex with 20-something year olds:

MIL: So, Erynn, do you have a boyfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma.
MIL: Do you have a girlfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma, I'm not a lesbian. I just don't have a boyfriend.
MIL: 'cause it would be okay if you were a lesbian. If I were 20 years younger, that Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot!
Erynn: Bye, Grandma....

DR. JONES!!!!!

Back in the Middle Ages, Matchmakers were employed to find....matches. With the advent of the Internet, finding your perfect match is...guaranteed!
Eharmony asks you a hundred questions and matches you with your ideal mate, who, according to them:

• lived in Alaska (3-month long night=good. 3-month long commute to work=bad)
  
• was thin as a rail (which makes me look even fatter, thank you)

Match-dot-com promised to find my "soul mate" within 6 months. They didn't, so I got 6 months free. The results? My "soul mate"

• was 28, lived at home, smoked, and worked fast food. ::sigh:: There will be a story about him - LATER. I promise......
  

After a few more dips into the online dating pool, I quit swimming. I ignored the flirts and such sent from the various sites. Until I received a message from....Indiana Jones.
Okay, okay, it wasn't from Harrison Ford -- but he was an archaeologist.

And there is just something about a man and his shovel....
::sigh::

yup - you betcha -- I went to the store. And after I saw his picture -- I fricking moved to the Costco parking lot!

Of course, I was sure the picture he sent was a lie - why would someone like THIS want to date me? More than likely, Dr. Jones was some lonely bald, toothless, pot-bellied mountain man from the hills of Deliverance.....

"It's not that I don't believe it's you in the pictures - it's just that I
...well, I don't believe it's you. I mean, come on! You're gorg- -huh? You're sending a video clip?"

So the video arrived -- not "that" kind of video.
darn! drat!

-No, just a video tour of the University....and his office.....culminating with a shot of him, saying his name, calling me by my name....
so that I knew it was the same "him" from the pictures, and that "he" knew that he was talking to "me"....sorta electronic proof, right?

So, I responded as quickly as my fingers could type:

"Dr. Jones. Thank you for the lovely tour of your office at the University. I now believe that it is really you that I am conversing with. However, I feel I must inform you that even though I am a single, middle-aged/overweight woman, I am neither desperate or stupid. If you're intentions involve a green card or my bank account-
-what? You're not interested in either? What? You think I'm sexy, talented, beautiful and funny? Would you mind pulling my hair while you say that?"

With English being his second language, explaining the phrase "Pulling my hair" took as much explaining as my "going to the store" analogy....but after a few....keystrokes.....he.....got the picture.
Oh....Dr. Jones! You're a bad man, Dr. Jones (but in a good way!)

Oh, I forgot that part, didn't I? I forgot to tell you where this absolutely perfect man lives, yes? In the typical APj tradition of being attracted to unavailable men, Dr. Jones is unavailable - "geographically" ....unavailable. Dr. Jones....resides in......Turkey.

Fearless #5. Or - Time wasters that keep me from writing my show

Your Spiritual Number is Five

You bring adventure and change to people's lives. Which is all fine and dandy, until they are faced with "Plan B." You are willing to challenge your friends and push them to grow. Growth Plan B: Shove friend out of a perfectly good airplane. Right now, your life is about figuring out where to direct your energy. I KNOW where my energy SHOULD be directed: I SHOULD be writing my Rogue Show, not finding out what my frickin' Spiritual Number is. I mean, what the frick is a "Spiritual Number" anyway!?!?!? If you're not careful, you can become too unreliable or flighty. Frick you. If you're not careful, I toss you out of the plane, SANS the parachute. You need the perfect project. No. I need a mannequin. You live a free form life - which allows you to be very innovative and a great problem solver. Rules, schedules, and structure practically destroy you. You have to do things your own way. Like I always say: "rules-schmules."

What's Your Spiritual Number?

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it! Well....in theory I believe this. You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing. Yes. But it's pretty risky taking the risk. Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities. Yup. And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary. Yup. Sometimes I am brave enough.

What's Your Word?

Accidentally Dating

Accidentally Dating.

I met John the Baptist at church. That’s appropriate – yes? I mean, what better place than a church to meet Mr. Right? Of course, John the Baptist didn’t ask me out then. He had other things to do. Like wander in the desert? I don’t know, all I do know is that a year later, we ran into each other, one thing led to another, and bam! A date. An 8 hour date! Hey, I’m good at the first date thing….I thought a second date was a sure thing, but John the Baptist was…..shy, I guess that’s what happens when you’ve wandered the desert wearing goat fur…..not quite sure of yourself. Over the next few months John and I would be at the same events, he would come and sit and chat, I would chat and sit, all would be nice. But there were no organized dates. They were all….accidental dates.

“Nice to see you, can I join you, APj?”

“Sure.”

“Would you like to go to dinner later?”

“Gee, John-the-Baptist, I’ve already got plans for later, but why don’t you call me and we can go out sometime?”

“Hey, APj! I didn’t know you were going to be here!”

“Well, John…..umm….it’s kinda my show?”

“oh, yeah, errmm….wanna go for a drink later?”

“Sorry, I can’t. But I’d love to go out with you again(silent scream: and you would surely get a little action – maybe I’ll let you push the cart…) SO why don’t you call me?”

My friends thought I was being hard on the Baptist – but come on: I’m sure he never accidently baptized someone.

- “Oops, so sorry, Jesus. I didn’t mean to dunk you in the river Jordan.”

So why should I let him start accidently dating me? Call me a prude (not), but I am not about to accidently date someone – even someone as well-connected as John-the-Baptist. I mean, come on you know what would happen, don’t you? Accidental dating leads to accidental making out, which leads to accidental sex, which can lead to accidental marriage.

Think I’m making this up? Hmpfh. I accidentally got married once. And not in that cool “going-to-Vegas-and-getting-falling-down-drunk-and-waking-up-next-to-a-hot-Brad-Pitt-look-alike” kind of way. Shit, like I could ever be that lucky….

2009 Rogue: A Mann-I-Quin

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I have been a bad blogger. I have been awfully sidetracked this last few months.....
And now I'm just posting a quickie to say - I'll probably keep being bad, 'cause I've got to write my new show.

This is the picture for my 2009 Rogue Show. It involves a mannequin, my dating stories, some Daddy stories, props and accessories. Oh! and maybe some fresh vegetables.
Intrigued or scared?

APj Calendar Review

I started 2008 with high hopes of attaining this. I mean, who wouldn't? "Did you?" you inquire with baited breath. Well......I didn't run across a stage and leap and straddle, two out of three ain't bad, right?

February found most thinking about Valentine's Day, chocolates and flowers. I, being APj did not receive chocolates OR flowers...nope -- just a card. Which prompted me to compose my favorite Top Ten list ever. Move over, David fricking-Letterman.

March had its highs and lows, but that low inspired the troubadour in April to compose this, which you can also listen to here. He can be moody as hell, but he is a great friend, and so damn talented!!!

April found me contemplating chocolate: chips, cake, ice cream. Hell, it all sounds great to me. Bring it on, babeee!!!!

May was boring, but June was both silly and scary. I'm glad the scary is gone. I hate scary.

July.....take your pick: camp or condoms.....both of which are just more examples of APj being silly.

August found me hanging ten and wrestling octopi. Okay, would you believe hanging five and wiping out? Fine.

September found me talking to fill-in-the-blank again. I think this will be some part of my upcoming Rogue Show.....

October found APj reeling from the mads and sads, but loving the support from all her bloggie lassie and lads, even though she's slowed down on blogging.

APj spent much of November contemplating and evaluating, and breathing. And discovering that feelings creep in even when you try to keep them from creeping in. Sneaky little buggers!

Which brings us to December. With the holidays upon us, I just want to wish ya'll the best. I promise to write more often, especially since I've got to write a #$K!!&* new show, and I need to try it out somewhere!!!!

Aire

You are not a necessity,

not air for me.

Your absence causes only discomfort

not death.

Without you there is longing,

and a little lonliness,

but no despair.

Because you are not air

for me.

I do not need you to fill

my lungs and life

With your laughter, lies

hellos and goodbyes

tossed with such savoir faire

Because you are not air

for me.

Although your sigh

weakened my knees and wetted my eye

don’t misread me as breathless;

on the brink of despair

Because you are not air

for me.

But a confession, yes:

the scent of you still

lingers on the skin I’m in

and I inhale,

taking you deep within,

suddenly aware….

that I care…..

Even though you are not air….

A (late) Friday 55 - Goodbye, Daddy

I close my eyes

They misunderstand,

Reassuring “It’s okay to cry”

But I’m just saying, “Goodbye.”

With eyes closed,

breaths deep

I can smell him next to me

Inhale – wood and grass, exhale.

Inhale – varnish and dishsoap, exhale.

Inhale – Old Spice and jetfuel, exhale.

Daddy, I love you, be at peace.

“Missy, I’m right here.”

My dad spent twenty years flying in the Air Force, and another (almost) 20 playing in a hardware store. He could make anything from wood, had the best-looking yard on the block, and thought I could do anything.

My father passed away yesterday morning, after a long, painful battle with multiple ailments. It was not a surprise, but I am still sad. My faith assures me that he is in a much better place, and I have no doubts of this. This is a photo of him and me on his birthday when I went home in August.

Baby Can I hold you

"....maybe if I told you the right words...at the right time...."

::sigh:: I love this song.

Why Jayne hates dating....

WARNING, WARNING,
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!
ANGRY PISSED-OFF FORTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD WOMAN ON A RAMPAGE.


Dear Blewit,

I do not think we will be going out again.....

You are more new to this "dating in our forties," so I feel perhaps you need to know:

1. If a woman breaks the "don't accept a date for the following night" rule by accepting a date, it is rude to stand her up.

2. A text message is not the same as a phone call. Especially if the text message was regarding the date referenced in #1. (Note: said text was never received, although a text two days later was).

3. A missed call(4 days after date referenced in #1) is not the same as a phone call. Without caller I.D. I wouldn't know that you called. And if you don't leave a message, how am I to know that you didn't simply mis-dial?

4. If you email/text/call our friend-in-common, and tell her that, "you think you did something wrong..." you probably did do something wrong. SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING HER!?!?!? You didn't "wrong" her.
Idiot.....

5. When we finally talk, and I explain why I was minutely angry, it is probably stupid of you to retort, "Well, you should have called me and told me what I did."
No, I shouldn't, dumbsh!$. We have been on one date, which I initiated. The date that you initiated, you stood me up, without communication. Communication that followed (3 texts, 2 emails, 2 missed calls), was lacking any personal touch (um, like your voice).

If this is your best behavior, I think I'll pass.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News...

::ring, ring!::

Hello?
Hey Doc!
Yes, who's calling?
This is Airplane Jayne. I, I hope you reme-
How could I forget you, APj? (geez, it's not like I haven't tried.) here....take these quizzes, and call me in the morning.

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge See!?!?!? I AM attainable.

You know how to make your man crave more of you. But you also know when to show some interest back. You're good at keeping your man guessing. And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel Okay -- this all talked about "my man." "My man" crave, "my man" interest, "my man" guess, "my man" feel......where the hell is Mr. My? He sounds like a great catch!!!!

Do Men Find You a Challenge?

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. ummm...this is part of the problem: I don't know "moves." Err, at least moves that work. I am, however, great at moves that don't work... You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. crap! Now I've got to have "seductive" moves!?!? Good thing I'm taking Joy's class, eh? That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package. My mind goes elsewhere when the word "package" is used... Are You An Easy Girl? You Are Big Black Boots! no, I am not. I am Marc Jacobs Boots. These are butt-ugly. This is obviously a mistake.... You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it err....you say "attitude" like it's a bad thing.... A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you no guts - just do it! (geez, that sounds like a Nike commercial, huh?) But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little I will so do more than warm up. Obviously, this quiz was way off. I should be slinky heels. Or my hot Marc Jacobs boots. Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself. But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing. So say some of my manfriends.....I don't see it.... You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier. A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room! Can't I just wear the boots? Won't those take care of it? What Kind of Sexy Girl Vibe Do You Have?

APj the Wallflower

So, I got a great phone message from Steve, Kajsa and Anja. Actually, I've had 3 sexually inappropriate messages, 2 down right rude ones, 1 questionable and this one. They, by the way, are happily settled in Sweden, and I miss them terribly.
Steve: Anja was just talking about you.
Kajsa: Really, she was.
Steve: Anja said, "Auntie Jayne is shy." I said, "Really?" And she said, "Yea, she is shy."

Of course, Steve and Kajsa burst out laughing.
But....it is true.

My dearest Anja,
Yes, sweetie, your Auntie Jayne is shy. Painfully shy. That you are aware of this just proves, once again, how wonderfully intelligent you are. Are you sure you aren't adopted? Your Uncle Drew and I are still not so sure....

I have developed wonderful strategies to deal with this condition. Most of the time, people are totally unaware of how shy I really am: I laugh, make jokes, act like "one of the boys," etc. Unfortunately, these strategies are usually ineffective (and sometimes dangerous) when I use them romantically.

Scenario #1: Is that a pencil, or are you just happy to see me? Sweetie? Where are you going? That was just a joke....I didn't mean....

Scenario #2: hahahahahahahahaha! Sweetie? Where are you going? I wasn't laughing at your peni...

Scenario #3: WTF!?!?!? I know I told you to just treat me like one of the boys, but if you think you're putting that ther...

So, the strategy I usually fall back on is to bolt. Run, Toto, run. Running is not a bad thing -- cardiovascular exercise is actually quite healthy. Another side-effect of this shyness is that I can clam-up instead of engage,
- trust me, conversation and sex are both difficult with your knees together
which led to the diagnosis by your daddy and mommy that I am sextarded. Don't worry, it is not (we hope), a permanent condition. The treatment for my sextardation has been gradual, but effective. As a sidenote, I think am scheduled for a treatment soon....

Hallelujah, and pass the condom.

Love,
Auntie Jayne

OK Go - Here It Goes Again Granbury High School

This just frickin' rocks! If I were in high school, I think I'd have a crush on these guys.

The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me

Heya, doc.

Heya, APj. How're ya' doing?

Great.

Seriously, how are you doing?

Great -- really.

Dating?

Well....sorta.

APj, there is no sorta in dating. There is dating, and there is not. there is no sorta. Just like there is no sorta pregnant. or sorta sex.

Well, Bill Clinton said that a bl

APj, do not attempt to change the subject. Answer the question: have you been dating?

Well, I went on three dates this summer, I'm still talking to that actor guy, and the hot archaeologist, Dr. Jone-

APj, the actor and the archaeologist do not count as dates. We've discussed this: if they are not physically available, it is not a date.

Doc, why not? I mean, there's conversation, there's witty repartee, there's loads of innuendos (some sexual, some not), and sincere concern. How is that not a date? I mean, seriously, the actor and the archaeologist kick ass over the three strike-out summer dates.

::sigh:: APj, file the actor and the archeologist for a

Doc, doesn't that sound like a TV show? Can't you just see it: The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me. Kinda a Sex in the City -- but with no sex.....and no city (since I live in the country)

APj - stop trying to turn this into a joke. Your dating life is not a joke

Yes it is Doc. That's why I'm here. ::rim shot:: Thank you, thank you.

APj - focus. Tell me about Date #1.

Well, Date #1 was a teacher-

-Good start

-with a hot body

Even better - as shallow as you are.

I prefer visually inclined

whatever. Proceed.

We had a great dinner. We chatted, I was charming, he told me I had beautiful eyes

-you do

Thank you. He walked me to my car, emailed the next morning that he had a great time.

-sounds good

I thought so too! I responded that I had a great time too, and would love to go out again.

And?

And nothing!

Nothing?

Well, he wrote again the following week, saying that he'd been thinking of me, blah-blah-blah. I AGAIN replied, "likewise" and AGAIN responded that I'd love to do it again.
And?

Nothing.

Well, did you call him?

Come on, Doc! I called him the first time! It was his turn -- geez, I mean, I don't want to look desperate.

No, but you do want to look available.

Fuck you

No. I'm your doctor.

Oh, does that mean you're physically unavailable?

Yes.

No wonder I think you're hot. Maybe I'll call the show, "The Actor, The Doctor, The Archaeologist and Me."

Times up, APj. Same time next week?

See ya', Dr. McSteamy.

Going to the store...

Stole this from Lime.....(stealing from her is so much fun!!!)

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments, what is it?
Produce: Strawberries. No! wait! One fricking strawberry!?!?!?? Scratch that (the choice, not the berry. Cause I’m sure if I scratch it, they’re gonna make me fricking buy it) – let’s make it a peach. ‘cause at least it’s good for a few bites.

Frozen: Ben&Jerry’s Dave Matthews Ice Magic Brownies. I’m sure there are no illegal substances in this…..really….

Meat: The butcher. The hot one.

Dairy: whip cream. For the butcher

Canned goods: I don’t do canned. Ewww….

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
Who’s the “you” that’s taking me? Seriously, it makes a difference. I mean, how am I supposed to pack if I don’t know “who’s” taking me and where “you’s” taking me to? Forget it, “you” is obviously more self-centered than I am if “you” can’t tell me who “you” is, and where “we’re” going. Jerk.

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear? Please remember, I teach….
“Thank you.” Seriously, when I ask my class to be quiet, I always thank them afterwards.

“After all, it is all about me.” Yes, I know: I am probably damaging them forever. This leads me to my next phrase:

“Whatevah. Deal with it.”

“Why? Why not?”

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
The futhermucker with the Fish on his car that just fricking cut me off. ASSHOLE!!!!!

The DJ on the radio that WON’T STOP TALKING AND PLAY THE DAMN SONG!!!

On the way to work early, so I can get things done before school starts, I realize THAT IT’S A FRICKING HOLIDAY!!!

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
None-of-yer-business.

Reading a book.

Contemplating cleaning the house.

Going to a movie

Talking to a friend.

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
Lions

And Tigers

And bears.

Oh my!

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?
TV of my choice? Easy-peasy, I would choose: Brad Pitt’s TV

George Clooney’s TV

Johnny Depp’s TV

Daniel Craig’s TV

Oh….you just had bad grammar? (Mis)placing your modifiers? Hmmpf. Why am I not surprised….. You meant to say a SHOW of my choice….fine (Jerk)

Battlestar Galactica (the new series)

Robin Hood (on the BBC)
Dr. Who (currently on the BBC)

Burn Notice.

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
2 pieces of candy (probably leftover from a dinner at Livingstones during the Rogue)

Dental floss (don’t leave home without it)

Something-else-they-say-to-always-have (although it expires at the end of this year)

Burts Bees lip balm

A poem. It’s personal

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
Teacher (yup – I have my dream job)

Comedic actress (I think I’ve got the chops. Not the boobs, mind you, but the chops)

Empress of the World.

Lady Jayne, wife of George Clooney

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

Ask him out – he’ll probably say yes.

Try out for the musical, you are just as good as they are.

Don’t worry about what they think.

Wait. He’s not worth it.