Friday, August 25, 2006

The Naked Date

Geez, what a nightmare!!! No, no, it wasn't the return of the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes, although that would have been easier. Hey! I know how to deal with her--
No, this was an all new nightmare. Kinda reminded me of those dreams I used to have in high know -- where you went to school naked.....and spent the whole dream trying to get to your locker.....or home.....'cause you're naked.......and no one seems to notice........that you're naked......and walking around school.....naked...

"I'm pretty sure that Guy will be at the coffee shop," Star reassures, "We'll just drive over there! Sorry that you've got to sit in the back seat -- but the front seat is still broken. Is your seat belt buckled?"
As I look down to check, I realize that I've got no clothes on.
"What, APj?"
"We've got to go to my house--"
"You're kidding, right? You know how long it'd take--"
"-Star! I've got to put some clothes on! I'm nak--"
"Don't be silly, APj -- what you've got on is fine!"
"She doesn't realize I'm naked!" I think to myself. "Holy crap! What am I gonna do!?!?!? What can I cover my bodaci--"
"Come on, APj!" Star calls over her shoulder from the door of the coffee shop. "Quit dawdling!"
"Shit! We certainly got here fast!" I scan the sidewalk, and relief floods through my veins as I confirm that there are no bodies present on the sidewalk. "What's that?"I silently exclaim,"Is that a bandana?" Making a mad dash towards the fluttering pink square, I grab it as Star comes rushing out of the coffee shop.

"Hurry APj!"
Frantically trying to decide the best placement for the bandana
-- bodacious ta-tas covered?
-- cookie covered?
"Which one? Which one? cookie or ta-ta, cookie or ta-ta" I ask myself, as I madly sprint after Star towards her car.

"What's the rush, Star?"
"BoDiddily said that Guy went to the mall. Something about getting a new instrument -- not that there's anything wrong with his instrument -- wait till you see it! He's got the prettiest p--"
"Star, don't start on that again, " I interrupt as I climb back in the backseat, "I'll end up at the store, again! But seriously, do you think we could go by my house? I'd really like to put some pants--"
"APj! Do you wanna do Guy or not!?!?!? We gotta hurry! Besides, you look fine! I love that pink top you've got on."
"It's not a top, Star! It's a bandan--"
"Shit! I almost hit that car! Oops! We're here!"
Star bounds out of the car, loping towards the music store entrance. "I'll run ahead and see if he's here. Hurry up!"

Grateful for the tinted windows of Star's car, I watch and wait for the perfect time to make a mad dash for the mall entrance.
"What the heck are you doing?" I ask myself, hand on the car door handle.
"Trying to get a date!" I retort, turning said handle and sprinting (one hand covering my cookie) towards the mall.
"Stop!!!" Me yells.
"Why?"I begin to inquire -- but suddenly see Star and Guy's bosom buddy, Doll coming out of the mall. I manage to make it to a tall garbage can, which I quickly pose behind.

"APj!" greets Doll, "How are you?"
"Feeling a bit naked--"
"Don't be a silly goose!" Doll scolds. "That pink top looks great with your skintones--"
"Yada-yada, skintones," injects Star. "Doll! Tell her about Guy!"
"Oh yeah! Guy," answers Doll. "Guy is waiting for us at the pool. He's made Mojitos. or Margaritas. Shit, I can't remember! One of those "M" drinks...."

As Doll and Star head for the car, I spot a pair of aqua stilletos next to my garbage can. I scoop them up, scan the sidewalk, and fly to the car (bandana held over bodacious ta-tas with chin, check. right hand covering cookie, check. left hand hanging onto awesome aqua stilletos, check.), diving almost headfirst into the backseat.

Resting my foot on the divider between the front seats (fixed now!?!?!?), I buckle the ankle strap on the shoes. "Seriously," I start, "Do you think we could just stop and get me something to wear--"
"Awesome shoes!" gushes Doll.
"Yeah," Star chimes in, "You know she's got that shoe thing-"
"APj," cuts in Doll, "you look fine! With that pink top and those shoes, Guy doesn't stand--"
"But it's not a top! It's a bandan-"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

"Shit!" I think to myself, "It must be the cops -- they must have seen me take the shoes. or running nake--"

::chirp:: ::chirp:: ::chirp::

I sit up, wide awake in my bed.

"Shit! Wait 'til Star hears this one!!!"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Erynn's 21st!

As most of you know, Erynn turned 21 (egads!) a few weeks ago. I shared this story with Lecram, and he said, "APj, you should have blogged about that!"
As usual, he's right (I sure get tired of admitting that)...although I'm not quite so ready to take his dating advice (yes, yes, we'll deal with that in another blog)....

Erynn was driving me nuts the week (or so) before her birthday! She would call at all hours of the day and ask, "Guess what happens in 5 (or 4 or 3, depending on the day) days?" To which I was to respond, "What?" and she would answer, "I turn 21!"

This got especially old around 3:00AM....

But I am a Mum that believes in I called her on her birthday......a couple of times!

7/29/85 -- APj's Phone log:

6:30 AM
"Good Morning Sweetie!"
"21 years ago, I woke up to get ready to go to work. I wasn't feeling all that good, but decided to go to work. Such dedication!"

7:30 AM
"Hello Saffie!"
"Mom....why are you calling so early?"
"Saffie! 21 years ago, I decided I wasn't feeling so good. So I called in sick to work!! After all, I was 8 months pregnant--"
"Mom - it's 7:30, and I'm hung --"
"Saffie! A hangover is NOTHING compared to going into Labor!!!!!"

9:30 AM
"Mom -- you are so ev--"
"Saffie! 21 years ago - my water burst! In the OB/GYN's newly decorated exam room!"
"Mom -- that's just gros--really?"
"Uh-huh! She said it was fine (but I think she wasn't happy), and sent us on to the hospital. She said I should be done by early afternoon"

11:46 AM
"Mom - you are so warped! What happened 21 years--"
"Sweetie - you were born exactly 21 years ago -- right now!! Good bye!"

12:30 PM
(getting her voice mail)
"Erynn -- 21 years ago, I had the first Pepsi I'd had in eight months!!! Big Gulp --Big Good!!!"

2:30 PM
(Erynn returning voice mail)
"Mom? why'd you give up Pepsi?"
"Sweetie, the doctor's said it could cause deformities......and still you have that funny bone on your heel--"
"Mom! You're so weird!!!!"

6:30 PM
"Hey Sweetie!"
"Mom -- just a minute -- I'm gonna put you on speaker!"
"21 years ago - your dad and I were having a steak dinner at the hospital--"
"Why a steak dinner?"
"Because it was free!"

9:00 AM
"Mom -- I'm so-o-o-o tired! My birthday is over! Why are you cal--"
"Saffie -- 21 years ago we were getting ready to leave the hospital. Now, as you know, you came a month early, we didn't really have that "bag" fully packed. That "bag that contains all the important things -- like a toothbrush, hairbrush, change of clothes, etc. So....21 years ago today.....we discovered what I was missing from the "bag." 21 years ago today.....your mom came home from the hospital........COMMANDO!!!!

(for those not familiar with the term -- it means I had no underwear on......)

Monday, August 14, 2006

Your Aura is Purple

....and purple is my favorite color!!!! when I was a teen I had a purple desk and two purple walls in my room (compromise with Mum -- I wanted four purple walls). I had an awesome pair of purple tennis shoes......but I digress.

"What does it mean to have a purple aura?" you ask.

Well, according to this site, here's what it means (see my comments in red).

1. Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. Yes, I would have to agree with this assessment. I have always been a dreamer -- and a dreamer with a vision. I could always "see" HOW something could/should/would be. And yes, I do think I was put on this earth to do something really great (although, unlike Lecram, I've never wanted to be the Pope!)
2. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. I think I'm a very passionate person, and yes, I am awfully busy..... But goodgoodawlmighty! I don't think I'm ever gonna find a man who sees like I see! least not on this side of the funnyfarm fence....
Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.
Kinda funny - I'm a teacher, who hangs with a ROGUISH bunch that includes a (self-named) Rasputinish guru, a squirrelly politician, and baritone warbler......

What Color Is Your Aura?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

For Corrine

Let me share a journey with you. A wonderful journey that I’ve been blessed to be privy to: the Sojourn of a new Tsou, the Crossing of Corrine.

For many years, my sister talked of adopting a baby from China. She felt that this was something she needed to do. After eighteen months of seemingly endless paperwork, a photo arrived of our angel.

How tiny and thin she was. How could this wee whisp be a year old? But already, she was pulling at my heart. Julie and Marc made plans to take their two children to China with them to bring Corrine home sometime in January 2005.

Marc’s parents were planning on going to help with the children. But because of an unfortunate twist (father injured his knee), I was invited to come along on the trip to China – at no cost to myself. How could I possibly say no to such a gift? So, on Martin Luther King Day 2005, I flew halfway around the world to find a slice of sunshine.

What a day that was! A room filled with 17 families, 17 nannies from the orphanage, and 17 babies who had never seen a white person before. Boy! Did they scream! I cried too – because I felt like I was the only one who realized how terrified these babies were. All the babies. Except for our Corrine.

No tears did she shed. Julie and I wanted to believe this was because we were Uber-mommies. I’m sure part of that is true. But it is also true that Corrine was extremely malnourished. The first few days she had trouble drinking from a bottle. She developed a fever on the second day that Dr. Julie (who gets higher medical billing then her husband, who really IS a doctor) instructed me to give her Tylenol. Corrine eagerly drank the medicine from the eyedropper; which led me to the discovery of feeding her formula from an eyedropper.

She wanted her Mommy or her Auntie all the time. She tolerated Daddy, sister, and brother. I had the extreme privilege of putting her to sleep each night – singing Moonshadow, Fiji Rose (fraternity pin song), and I’m Bringing Home a Baby Bumble Bee.

She came home to America and blossomed. Picking strawberries, going to pre-preschool, playing with her Mommy and Daddy, her brother and sister. I eagerly awaited the pictures, and longed for the day I could go visit them in Virginia.

That day finally arrived last week. I was so excited and nervous to see her. My sister Julie is really the Uber-Mommy. Her children (when very young) do not like to be away from her. So how would Corrine react to me? Would there still be some bond? I hoped and prayed that this would be.

I’m happy to say that the bond was still there. I truly believe that she “knew” me deep down – I got giggles, smiles, and games from her everyday. And she is so smart! I taught her how to play GoFish and Old Maid. – and yes, she doesn’t even turn three until November.

I love all my nieces and nephews – none more or less then the others. But I feel an incredible bond with Corrine – mostly due to the fact that I was blessed to be there on the day she was “born” into our family.

I love you, my little punkin pie. I love you so very much.

Auntie Jayne

Saturday, August 12, 2006


Where has the summer gone!?!?!?!?

It seems like just yesterday that school was over, and I was looking forward to a long lazy summer, an opportunity to do some incredible yard work, the chance to get some projects done around the house – and BOOM!!!
All of the sudden it’s “Back to School” time…

Yup – I’ve got Inservice days on Monday-Wednesday, and Institute day on Thursday, and then the brrraa—err – students are back on Friday.

But seriously, I do love my job. My mother says I love teaching because it gives me a captive audience. Uhhhh, that’s true – but not all of it. Teaching also gives me some great material -- make that seriously great – material for stories.
Like this one:

Erlon could feel the sweat forming into beads on his brow. “Aw shit! Momma’s gonna kill me when I get home!” He thought frantically to himself, “I wonder if I should—“
“Erlon!” encouraged Officer Harris, “Just tell the truth. Do you have something in your backpack that you shouldn’t?”
“Hell no! Whys youse always pickin-“
“Erlon,” interrupted Mrs. Ratched, “We know you’ve got it. It’ll go better for you if you just admit it.”
Erlon shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wiped his brow and answered, somewhat defensively, “Yeah, okay – I do have it. But-but-but, I don’t know how it got there. It’s not mine.” Reluctantly he handed his backpack to Officer Harris.
“Let’s go, Erlon,” Officer Harris said as he helped Erlon to his feet. He gingerly held the backpack with his left hand, keeping Erlon to his right, between himself and Mrs. Ratched. “We need to see Principal Bueller.”
“Aw man! Do we gotta tell him!?!?!? Can’t we just forget—“
“Erlon!” Mrs Ratched scolded, “You know the rules! This falls under the Zero Tolerance Policy! We have to take you to see Principal Bueller. We have no choice. You should have thought of that before you brought a—“
“Shhhhh!!” interjected Officer Harris, “Do you want to start a stampede?”
“Sorry,” mumbled Mrs. Ratched.
News had traveled fast that morning, and by the time the three reached the office, the entire office staff had made their way close to the Prinicipal’s office.
“Mr. Bueller—“
“Yes, Mrs. Ratchet!”
“Mr. Bueller” began Mrs. Ratchet, “Mr. Erlon has seen fit to bring an item to school that should not be allowed.”
“What is it, Mrs. Ratchet!” asked Mr. Bueller.
“Well, I don’t think I should be pulling it out right here in the office,” apologized Mrs. Ratchet. “Perhaps we should go all the way in your office.”
“Of course, Mrs. Ratchet,” replied Mr. Bueller. He led them into his office, and closed the door. “Erlon?”
“Mr. Bueller! I swear! I don’t know how it got into my backpack – I don’t –“
“Mr. Bueller,” interrupted Officer Harris, “Mr. Erlon was brandishing this thing about, scaring many of his classmates.”
“Is that true, Erlon” asked Mr. Bueller.
“Well, ahhh, yeah, but—“
“Well, Mr. Erlon. Let’s just take a look at how scary a thing this is,” replied Mr. Bueller as he reached into the backpack. “I mean, if it doesn’t look real, perhaps we won’t have to involve the authorities.” He removed the item, which was carefully rolled up in a shirt.
“Really?” said Erlon, beginning to feel somewhat relieved. “You mean, you might not have to tell my Mom?”
“Erlon,” chided Mr. Bueller, “Are you more afraid of your Mom than the cops?” He held the shirt up by a corner, allowing the shirt to unroll, and the item to drop on his desk. As it hit the desk, so did his jaw. For the item wasn’t a knife. Or a gun. Or a weapon (really) at all.
The item…was a 9 inch....glow in the dark...
battery-operated...multiple speed…….vibrator.

On second thought….I really am looking forward to school starting.

"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives." Plan 9 From Outer Space

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Little Surfer Girl

APj is now BBQ - Body Boarding Queen!!! The pic is me after having rode a wave all the way in!
Yes -- I rode it hard, and yes, it put me away wet. Oh, and the white stuff is not sea smooge, it's zinc oxide.
(Gotta watch the sunburn on such a fair lass as I...)

A body board -- to those of you not familar-- is kinda like those kick boards you used to use in swimming lessons as a kid. Although they are bigger and meatier. The idea is to have the upper half of your body on the board, catch a wave, and ride the wave.

Let's review: My body on top. check. Catch a wave. double check. Ride the wave.....
(--err, sorry -- went to the store --) triple check.
Of course, Poseidon--being the trois of this menage--has other ideas. He wants to be on top. So he let's you catch a wave, only to roll you over and blow you. Blow salt water and sand up every orifice you've got. and possible some you didn't know you had....

Which brings us to surfing. Unfortunately (for you), I don't have many pictures of me surfing -- partially because I wasn't as successful at "Hanging Ten." Did you know that means to hang ten toes off the edge of the board!?!?!?!?
You've got to be fricking kidding me! I did graduate quickly from slacker surfing
(just laying on the board, but still catching the wave), to prayer surfing (on my knees all the way in to shore). I actually did manage to stand up and ride a wave on three separate occasions for 2-5 seconds. Hey! Quit your laughing. The really hot Aussie told me that it counted. (Don't ask -- he was too young. Way too young.)
I had a one very awesome turtle roll run: I was riding on my knees (now there's a picture for you....), trying to get my balance to stand up, lost balance and started to roll over in the wave. Didn't let go of the board and rolled over -- still haning on to the board.
"Would you do it again?" you ask.
Board on top, Poseidon on bottom, APj in the middle.

Nuff said... Party on, Garth....