Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2009 Rogue: A Mann-I-Quin


I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I have been a bad blogger. I have been awfully sidetracked this last few months.....
And now I'm just posting a quickie to say - I'll probably keep being bad, 'cause I've got to write my new show.

This is the picture for my 2009 Rogue Show. It involves a mannequin, my dating stories, some Daddy stories, props and accessories. Oh! and maybe some fresh vegetables.
Intrigued or scared?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

APj Calendar Review

I started 2008 with high hopes of attaining this. I mean, who wouldn't? "Did you?" you inquire with baited breath. Well......I didn't run across a stage and leap and straddle, two out of three ain't bad, right?

February found most thinking about Valentine's Day, chocolates and flowers. I, being APj did not receive chocolates OR flowers...nope -- just a card. Which prompted me to compose my favorite Top Ten list ever. Move over, David fricking-Letterman.

March had its highs and lows, but that low inspired the troubadour in April to compose this, which you can also listen to here. He can be moody as hell, but he is a great friend, and so damn talented!!!

April found me contemplating chocolate: chips, cake, ice cream. Hell, it all sounds great to me. Bring it on, babeee!!!!

May was boring, but June was both silly and scary. I'm glad the scary is gone. I hate scary.

July.....take your pick: camp or condoms.....both of which are just more examples of APj being silly.

August found me hanging ten and wrestling octopi. Okay, would you believe hanging five and wiping out? Fine.

September found me talking to fill-in-the-blank again. I think this will be some part of my upcoming Rogue Show.....

October found APj reeling from the mads and sads, but loving the support from all her bloggie lassie and lads, even though she's slowed down on blogging.

APj spent much of November contemplating and evaluating, and breathing. And discovering that feelings creep in even when you try to keep them from creeping in. Sneaky little buggers!

Which brings us to December. With the holidays upon us, I just want to wish ya'll the best. I promise to write more often, especially since I've got to write a #$K!!&* new show, and I need to try it out somewhere!!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Aire


You are not a necessity,

not air for me.

Your absence causes only discomfort

not death.

Without you there is longing,

and a little lonliness,

but no despair.

Because you are not air

for me.

I do not need you to fill

my lungs and life

With your laughter, lies

hellos and goodbyes

tossed with such savoir faire

Because you are not air

for me.

Although your sigh

weakened my knees and wetted my eye

don’t misread me as breathless;

on the brink of despair

Because you are not air

for me.

But a confession, yes:

the scent of you still

lingers on the skin I’m in

and I inhale,

taking you deep within,

suddenly aware….

that I care…..

Even though you are not air….


Saturday, October 25, 2008

A (late) Friday 55 - Goodbye, Daddy

I close my eyes

They misunderstand,

Reassuring “It’s okay to cry”

But I’m just saying, “Goodbye.”

With eyes closed,

breaths deep

I can smell him next to me

Inhale – wood and grass, exhale.

Inhale – varnish and dishsoap, exhale.

Inhale – Old Spice and jetfuel, exhale.

Daddy, I love you, be at peace.

Missy, I’m right here.”


My dad spent twenty years flying in the Air Force, and another (almost) 20 playing in a hardware store. He could make anything from wood, had the best-looking yard on the block, and thought I could do anything.

My father passed away yesterday morning, after a long, painful battle with multiple ailments. It was not a surprise, but I am still sad. My faith assures me that he is in a much better place, and I have no doubts of this. This is a photo of him and me on his birthday when I went home in August.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Baby Can I hold you

"....maybe if I told you the right words...at the right time...."

::sigh:: I love this song.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Why Jayne hates dating....

WARNING, WARNING,
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!
ANGRY PISSED-OFF FORTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD WOMAN ON A RAMPAGE.



Dear Blewit,

I do not think we will be going out again.....

You are more new to this "dating in our forties," so I feel perhaps you need to know:

1. If a woman breaks the "don't accept a date for the following night" rule by accepting a date, it is rude to stand her up.

2. A text message is not the same as a phone call. Especially if the text message was regarding the date referenced in #1. (Note: said text was never received, although a text two days later was).

3. A missed call(4 days after date referenced in #1) is not the same as a phone call. Without caller I.D. I wouldn't know that you called. And if you don't leave a message, how am I to know that you didn't simply mis-dial?

4. If you email/text/call our friend-in-common, and tell her that, "you think you did something wrong..." you probably did do something wrong. SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING HER!?!?!? You didn't "wrong" her.
Idiot.....

5. When we finally talk, and I explain why I was minutely angry, it is probably stupid of you to retort, "Well, you should have called me and told me what I did."
No, I shouldn't, dumbsh!$. We have been on one date, which I initiated. The date that you initiated, you stood me up, without communication. Communication that followed (3 texts, 2 emails, 2 missed calls), was lacking any personal touch (um, like your voice).

If this is your best behavior, I think I'll pass.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News...

::ring, ring!::

Hello?
Hey Doc!
Yes, who's calling?
This is Airplane Jayne. I, I hope you reme-
How could I forget you, APj? (geez, it's not like I haven't tried.) here....take these quizzes, and call me in the morning.

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge
See!?!?!? I AM attainable.

You know how to make your man crave more of you. But you also know when to show some interest back. You're good at keeping your man guessing. And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel
Okay -- this all talked about "my man." "My man" crave, "my man" interest, "my man" guess, "my man" feel......where the hell is
Mr. My? He sounds like a great catch!!!!


Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one.
But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by.
ummm...this is part of the problem: I don't know "moves." Err, at least moves that work. I am, however, great at moves that don't work...
You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you.
crap! Now I've got to have "seductive" moves!?!? Good thing I'm taking Joy's class, eh?

That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.
My mind goes elsewhere when the word "package" is used...
Are You An Easy Girl?

You Are Big Black Boots!
no, I am not. I am Marc Jacobs Boots. These are butt-ugly. This is obviously a mistake....

You can be best described as: attitude
You've got lots of it - and you love to give it
err....you say "attitude" like it's a bad thing....
A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you
no guts - just do it!
(geez, that sounds like a Nike commercial, huh?)
But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little
I will so do more than warm up.
Obviously, this quiz was way off. I should be slinky heels.
Or my hot Marc Jacobs boots.






Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself. But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing.
So say some of my manfriends.....I don't see it....
You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier. A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!
Can't I just wear the boots? Won't those take care of it?








Tuesday, September 30, 2008

APj the Wallflower

So, I got a great phone message from Steve, Kajsa and Anja. Actually, I've had 3 sexually inappropriate messages, 2 down right rude ones, 1 questionable and this one. They, by the way, are happily settled in Sweden, and I miss them terribly.
Steve: Anja was just talking about you.
Kajsa: Really, she was.
Steve: Anja said, "Auntie Jayne is shy." I said, "Really?" And she said, "Yea, she is shy."

Of course, Steve and Kajsa burst out laughing.
But....it is true.

My dearest Anja,
Yes, sweetie, your Auntie Jayne is shy. Painfully shy. That you are aware of this just proves, once again, how wonderfully intelligent you are. Are you sure you aren't adopted? Your Uncle Drew and I are still not so sure....

I have developed wonderful strategies to deal with this condition. Most of the time, people are totally unaware of how shy I really am: I laugh, make jokes, act like "one of the boys," etc. Unfortunately, these strategies are usually ineffective (and sometimes dangerous) when I use them romantically.

Scenario #1: Is that a pencil, or are you just happy to see me? Sweetie? Where are you going? That was just a joke....I didn't mean....

Scenario #2: hahahahahahahahaha! Sweetie? Where are you going? I wasn't laughing at your peni...

Scenario #3: WTF!?!?!? I know I told you to just treat me like one of the boys, but if you think you're putting that ther...

So, the strategy I usually fall back on is to bolt. Run, Toto, run. Running is not a bad thing -- cardiovascular exercise is actually quite healthy. Another side-effect of this shyness is that I can clam-up instead of engage,
- trust me, conversation and sex are both difficult with your knees together
which led to the diagnosis by your daddy and mommy that I am sextarded. Don't worry, it is not (we hope), a permanent condition. The treatment for my sextardation has been gradual, but effective. As a sidenote, I think am scheduled for a treatment soon....

Hallelujah, and pass the condom.

Love,
Auntie Jayne

Thursday, September 25, 2008

OK Go - Here It Goes Again Granbury High School

This just frickin' rocks! If I were in high school, I think I'd have a crush on these guys.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me

Heya, doc.

Heya, APj. How're ya' doing?

Great.

Seriously, how are you doing?

Great -- really.

Dating?

Well....sorta.

APj, there is no sorta in dating. There is dating, and there is not. there is no sorta. Just like there is no sorta pregnant. or sorta sex.

Well, Bill Clinton said that a bl

APj, do not attempt to change the subject. Answer the question: have you been dating?

Well, I went on three dates this summer, I'm still talking to that actor guy, and the hot archaeologist, Dr. Jone-

APj, the actor and the archaeologist do not count as dates. We've discussed this: if they are not physically available, it is not a date.

Doc, why not? I mean, there's conversation, there's witty repartee, there's loads of innuendos (some sexual, some not), and sincere concern. How is that not a date? I mean, seriously, the actor and the archaeologist kick ass over the three strike-out summer dates.

::sigh:: APj, file the actor and the archeologist for a

Doc, doesn't that sound like a TV show? Can't you just see it: The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me. Kinda a Sex in the City -- but with no sex.....and no city (since I live in the country)

APj - stop trying to turn this into a joke. Your dating life is not a joke

Yes it is Doc. That's why I'm here. ::rim shot:: Thank you, thank you.

APj - focus. Tell me about Date #1.

Well, Date #1 was a teacher-

-Good start

-with a hot body

Even better - as shallow as you are.

I prefer visually inclined

whatever. Proceed.

We had a great dinner. We chatted, I was charming, he told me I had beautiful eyes

-you do

Thank you. He walked me to my car, emailed the next morning that he had a great time.

-sounds good

I thought so too! I responded that I had a great time too, and would love to go out again.

And?

And nothing!

Nothing?

Well, he wrote again the following week, saying that he'd been thinking of me, blah-blah-blah. I AGAIN replied, "likewise" and AGAIN responded that I'd love to do it again.
And?

Nothing.

Well, did you call him?

Come on, Doc! I called him the first time! It was his turn -- geez, I mean, I don't want to look desperate.

No, but you do want to look available.

Fuck you

No. I'm your doctor.

Oh, does that mean you're physically unavailable?

Yes.

No wonder I think you're hot. Maybe I'll call the show, "The Actor, The Doctor, The Archaeologist and Me."

Times up, APj. Same time next week?

See ya', Dr. McSteamy.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Going to the store...

Stole this from Lime.....(stealing from her is so much fun!!!)

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments, what is it?
Produce: Strawberries. No! wait! One fricking strawberry!?!?!?? Scratch that (the choice, not the berry. Cause I’m sure if I scratch it, they’re gonna make me fricking buy it) – let’s make it a peach. ‘cause at least it’s good for a few bites.

Frozen: Ben&Jerry’s Dave Matthews Ice Magic Brownies. I’m sure there are no illegal substances in this…..really….

Meat: The butcher. The hot one.

Dairy: whip cream. For the butcher

Canned goods: I don’t do canned. Ewww….

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
Who’s the “you” that’s taking me? Seriously, it makes a difference. I mean, how am I supposed to pack if I don’t know “who’s” taking me and where “you’s” taking me to? Forget it, “you” is obviously more self-centered than I am if “you” can’t tell me who “you” is, and where “we’re” going. Jerk.

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear? Please remember, I teach….
“Thank you.” Seriously, when I ask my class to be quiet, I always thank them afterwards.

After all, it is all about me. Yes, I know: I am probably damaging them forever. This leads me to my next phrase:

Whatevah. Deal with it.

Why? Why not?

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
The futhermucker with the Fish on his car that just fricking cut me off. ASSHOLE!!!!!

The DJ on the radio that WON’T STOP TALKING AND PLAY THE DAMN SONG!!!

On the way to work early, so I can get things done before school starts, I realize THAT IT’S A FRICKING HOLIDAY!!!

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
None-of-yer-business.

Reading a book.

Contemplating cleaning the house.

Going to a movie

Talking to a friend.


We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
Lions

And Tigers

And bears.

Oh my!

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?
TV of my choice? Easy-peasy, I would choose: Brad Pitt’s TV

George Clooney’s TV

Johnny Depp’s TV

Daniel Craig’s TV

Oh….you just had bad grammar? (Mis)placing your modifiers? Hmmpf. Why am I not surprised….. You meant to say a SHOW of my choice….fine (Jerk)

Battlestar Galactica (the new series)

Robin Hood (on the BBC)
Dr. Who (currently on the BBC)

Burn Notice.

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
2 pieces of candy (probably leftover from a dinner at Livingstones during the Rogue)

Dental floss (don’t leave home without it)

Something-else-they-say-to-always-have (although it expires at the end of this year)

Burts Bees lip balm

A poem. It’s personal


You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
Teacher (yup – I have my dream job)

Comedic actress (I think I’ve got the chops. Not the boobs, mind you, but the chops)

Empress of the World.

Lady Jayne, wife of George Clooney


If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

Ask him out – he’ll probably say yes.

Try out for the musical, you are just as good as they are.

Don’t worry about what they think.

Wait. He’s not worth it.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

September by. Earth, Wind and Fire

Oh, yeah. EWF is coming to the Big Fresno Fair October 6th.
Now, the fair is always a big pull: corn dogs, cinnamon rolls and soft tacos are my faves (yes, yes, as long as they're not touching on the plate).
But EWF!?!?!? Almost impossible to not dance to, and so.....I'll be there, shaking my groove thang.
"ba-de-ya say that you remember...."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Carol Burnett Show outtakes - Tim Conway's Elephant Story

I remember seeing this episode as a child -it cracked me up then....

and it still puts me on the floor today! THIS is funny....I wish we still had FUNNY on the TV!

Monday, August 11, 2008

MeMeMeMe

I saw this over on Joy's and Katie's blogs, and thought it would serve as filler until I write about my Nebraska trip.... although Lime has a killer ThemThem over on her site...

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Um...a perfect fool - does that count?

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
If I ever get those abs-o-steel I will pierce my bellybutton.
::sigh::

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
yes. Oh --am I supposed to choose one? That sucks. I kinda like all three. I hate having to choose just one -- I mean, isn't that just like only eating vanilla, or only eating chocolate? And never exploring other flavors? BORRRRRinggggg!

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yup. Often followed by, "Are those real?" For the record: eyes, boobs and ass - all real.

How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries?
I especially love them when they are lowered into my mouth by some gorgeous hunk. Maybe with an accent....or maybe with piercing eyes. Oh! Wait! If I can't have bellyring, maybe I could have piercing eyes looking at me.

Are you self-conscious?
very. Often I try to mask this with self-depreciating remarks.

How do you vent anger?
I am the original "straw that breaks the camel's back." I take it, take it, take it, and then blow.
Okay -- we're talking anger, not sex.

How did your day start off?
in my own bed. Which, after a week on the beach, followed by a week in a Nebraska bed, felt wonderful. Perfect. Or almost perfect.... if there were strawberries, chocolate, piercing something-or-others...

Does anyone hate you?
Probably. whatevah. I am the Jayne -- gotta love me. Or get outta my way.

Can you handle the truth?
yes. It may make me retreat and lick my wounds, but I can handle just about anything. Err.....'cept my food touching.

Favorite fair food?
again -- just one!?!?!? WTF!?!?!? Do you KNOW what they have!?!?!?!? I don't go to the fair for the rides -- I go for the food. I start with a cinnamon roll, followed by teriyaki beef on a stick (meat on a stick. yum), corn dog (more meat on a stick), funnel cake with strawberries and whip cream- hey!! whip cream would be nice with the strawberries, chocolate and the hot dude with the piercings....

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Eventually I get around to telling them. Never is too fricking long.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Katie?
Ummmm.....I think Katie kissed me goodnight once. But it was on the top of my head -- on account of the fact that I was Drunk Jayne that night. Drunk barfing Jayne. Katie-good-friend.

What did you do Saturday?
Visiting my Dad in Nebraska. I love you Daddy.

What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
1. Look for the hidden camera.
2. Make sure Ashton Kutcher is nowhere to be found.
3. Verify that the speaker's jacket doesn't fasten in the back.
4. Drag them down the hallway. (Note to self: stock up on strawberries, chocolate, whip cream. Toss the batteries....)

Do you trust all of your friends?
Yes. Otherwise they are not my friends.

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy....this one is scary. Yes. okay - I said it. It must be so...

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes -- and most of the time I'm not informed of the reason for a very long time. Which can really piss me off, 'cause I wanna know NOW!!! And, for the record, yes, I do read the last page of the book. Again, whatevah...

Would you make a good parent?
If you had asked Erynn between the ages of 10-15, she would have said no. Now she would tell you that I was a great parent. I think I did a pretty good job -- she's fabulous.

Who do you love the most?
Umm....the guy from above who thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world and is waiting for me in some other state or country with strawberries, chocolate and whip cream.

Morning or night person?
Yes. Crap! Again, you think this is a choice!?!?!?!? I wake up happy, I go to sleep happy. Why not? After all, I've got this incredible piercing guy with strawberries....

What makes you lose your appetite?
food touching. This may be a new diet strategy for me. If it's all touching, I won't eat it!

Do you get along with guys or girls better?
Guys… I have always gotten along better with guys. Did you know that I was the manager for the wrestling team in high school? 'nuff said.

Last time you smiled?
twenty seconds ago as I visualized the piercing guy with strawberries and whip cream. ::sigh:: Oops! I did it again!

Are you taller than 5′5”?
Only in my dreams. Oh, and according to the ideal-weight charts, I should definitely be taller than 5'5"

Would you rather have love or money?
You and your fricking choices. They don't say Bonnie OR Clyde. Chicken OR Rice. Strawberries OR Chocolate. Get real, man. Love and Money - what a combo. Can I supersize it, please?

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
Well, he actually kicked me. Three times. So I hit him. Then he tried to bite me. So I told him he fought like a girl, and proceeded to kick his ass.

Have you ever dated someone for longer than a year?
Well, let's see: I was married for 18, dated for three before that. Does that count? But since that - nope. Dating sucks. Did a whole show on the matter.

Have you ever told someone you were single when you really weren’t?
Me? no. Voldemort? yes.

Last person you went to the movies with?
My mom and my niece, Madison. We went to see Wall-E. Great moviE.

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it?
Well, somethings you don't want back -- like when they say, "Can I borrow a kleenex?" I mean, seriously, keep it. I don't want it back.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?
does a cyberhug count?

If a stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
Well, they'd probably be thinking, "Wow. Lots -o- shoes." Unless, of course, it's that hot piercing guy from another country or state with the strawberries and chocolate....in which case, he ain't looking in my closet....'cause I've got him somewhere else!

Do you want to be married right now?
No. I'm not ruling it out, but probably no. I do know that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure I wanna be married. Mostly 'cause I might have to give him some of the closet space....

What’s bothering you right now?
obsessing about finding the piercing guy from another state or country...

Do people underestimate your intelligence?
Nope. I don't let them.

Do people underestimate you?
On first impression, yes. After first conversation, not very often.

Does it bother you when someone says they’ll call you and they don’t?
Duh! Don't tell me you'll call if you're not going to. And if you tell me I'm wonderful and you can't imagine waking up anywhere else, you'd better make sure you don't wake up anywhere else....

What are you doing tomorrow?
Grade writing samples. And stalking dudes from other states and countries...

Name a quote from the song you’re listening to:
"My morals got me on my knees..." Mercy, by Duffy. Mercy, mercy, me.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
There are people that are so beautiful on the outside that you just wanna hate em....and then you discover that they're just as (or more so) beautiful on the inside, and you just gotta love em.

Last time to the mall?
Mall? For what? I'm not a mall kinda gal....

Did you sing at all today?
Hel-LO!?!?!? Did you see above? Morals got me on my knees. I'm begging you for mercy. Go listen. seriously. It'll have you begging too.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. He's in another state. Or country. With strawberries.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Well, I draw the right side, but it's because I'm a lefty, and if I draw the left side, it gets smeared when I draw the right side....

Who has your heart?
Me. Because I don't want it broken again. But, before you get your panties in a twist, I'm only holding it - it ain't locked away anymore. When the right one asks for it, I'll hand it over. Hopefully, he'll remember to bring the strawberries...

How long has that person had it?
Since Christmas 2003.

Do you know how to use some words correctly?
Ummm.....I teach Middle School English. So, usually....yes. Although I have been know to screw up then/than and good/well whilst in a hurry. whatevah..... I know how to properly use "whom." Which makes me sound smart. Or pretentious. again, whatevah...

Do you like to sleep?
Yes -- although I REALLY like sleeping with a somebody other than the catbody.

Do you wear a lot of black?
Not really. Although I am fond of black undergarments....

Do you have a tan?
No. I am the original white-girl. I keep telling myself I will look fabulous at ninety...

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Yes -- I just spent a week with her, and we talk every Saturday morning...

Do you like orange juice?
I like Sunny Delight better. More flavor - less bitter.

Where do you wish you were right now?
In bed. And yes, if you've been paying attention, you'd know with whom and with what.
(Notice the use of "whom." "My, isn't she clever?" you're thinking....)


Does your temper flare a lot?

No. But when it does, back-that-thang up, and get the frick outta the way!

Do you get emotional easily?
yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. Hell, I cry at commercials!

Do you like to cuddle?
Cuddling rocks. Don't believe me? Come on over, sweetie!

Which shoe goes on first?
Duh. That is the most stupid question ever. Whichever one I pick up first. I mean seriously, you pick up the left one, and you're gonna say, "Oops. I have to put this one down, and pick up the other one, because I always put the right one on first." That's just stupid.

Name one thing you do that people always tell you about?
1. I say, "You know" way too much.
2. I have an nasty/sexy/loud/____ laugh.
3. I talk about going to the store - a lot.
4. I have a hard time only saying one thing.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
Nope. Because the bogeyman might get me.

How much money do you have on you?
None. 'cause I don't have any pockets, and it would just look silly if I licked and sticked bills and coins all over my body.
yes, I know "sticked" ain't a word, but it sounded good. again, whatevah....


Close your eyes.. what image do you see?
A strawberry. ::sigh:: I think I'm gonna be going to the store tonight...

Last piece of mail you got?
He had lovely brown hair, blue eyes, and a great set--
oh....not that kind of male.
does email count?

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
sleep is for woosies. Bring it on -- I can stay up all night. Can you?

Last trip you took to the zoo?
I don't need to go to the zoo -- my life is a zoo. Besides, I live in the country: horses, cats, snakes, frogs, eagles, hawks, owls. and it's free.

Name things you absolutely cannot stand:
Hel-LO!?!?!? Are you NOT listening!?!?!? FOOD TOUCHING!!!!! But at least I'm not one of those weirdos that eat all of one food before eating the next thing.....although, come to think of it, those weirdos might have strawberries....and chocolate.....

Did you have a nap today?
Yes. And it was wonderful.

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Yes -- although people are often uncomfortable with my answers.

When is the last time you had ice cream?
Last week during Camp Surf, at Cowabunga Ice Cream in San Diego. Chocolate chip and Rainbow Sherbet.
Ice Cream can touch a little bit.... as long as they don't, like, mix...


Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Let's go see: 1......2.......3......4.....crunch! ::sigh:: yes. And some live in other states.....and countries......with strawberries....and chocolate......and whipped piercings.....::sigh:: I am working myself up here...

Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Again with the choices!?!?!?!? Let's just go with, "yes." Please.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Mine. Sometimes I'm a rebel and sleeping on the other side. I'm such a baaadddd girl, eh?

Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
No -- Driving and puking is gross. But I've had to pull over for someone else to puke.

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
No. Not for money. Although I might be persuaded with strawberries, choc--

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Yes. Again, why settle for "Brad OR George" when you could have both-okay, maybe that analogy doesn't work so well here.

Do you love someone in your friends list?
Do I? no Could I? yes. Definitely, yes.

Do you know all the people in your friends list?
MySpace - yes. Facebook - I have physically met all but 2. Blog - well, we've all been writing together for so long, that even though I haven't physically met them, I can emphatically state that, "Yes, I KNOW them."


Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?
The "where" isn't as important as the "who" I'm going with...

Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Okay smartypants, you choose: driver seat of a Honda CR-V or a Cessna 182. Both were traveling in excess of 70 MPH.

Ever had sex in the bathroom?
yes - but not a public bathroom, 'cause that's just gross.

Have you ever had sex at work?
not since I worked at the Drop Zone packing parachutes...

Ever been caught having sex?
Who hasn't?

Does anyone have naughty pictures of YOU?
I'm not gonna say a definite yes, but I'll tell you who doesn't: Voldemort!

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope. But I know a guy who called everyone "Darling" so he didn't have just such an embarrassing moment. He never called me "Darling"......and his first wife's name was Jane.

Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Doesn't take guts.....just time....maybe Lime and Kfarmer.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

A Surf Quickie

::sigh::
I leave for Nebraska on Monday to see the folks, and want to get a few pics up on my surf trip.
First, I am lucky to be alive.
Seriously.
First, I got attacked by a HUGE octopus. Remember that one in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? It was THAT big -- it pulled me off my surf board and wrestled me to the bottom of the ocean. I am amazed I got away.
Don't believe me, eh? Look for yourself! Okay -- SOME people said I just got clobbered by a killer wave. But I'm sticking with my story -- it is much more exciting.

I will have to wait for pictures of me surfing and body boarding (why is it so hard for me to remember to give my camera to others?) -- but here's a few I managed to get on my camera.

Here is me with one of the teens I took down. Be afraid.....be very afraid. Actually, he's a really sweet guy....he just has really sharp and really pointy hair.

We went bay kayaking and surf kayaking. "What are the similarities and differences?" you ask. "Easy," I respond, "in both, I am the person in the back. However, in
Bay kayaking:

No Waves.


whereas whilst Surf Kayaking
BIG WAVES!
Big waves that try to kick your a$$, but don't stand a chance, because, after all, you are, AirplanefrickingJayne.
'nuff said.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Yup.....it's that time again.

August, once again, finds Jayne heading southward....to
CAMP SURF!!!!! Tomorrow morning I will board a charter bus with 24 teens and 4 adults, and head to Imperial Beach, just south of San Diego.









This is one of my favorite things to do - body boarding. I think it is easier than surfing (duh), and just as much fun. Except for that time when the big wave flipped me and the tip of my board planted on the ocean floor, and I ended up with a HUGE bruise. But last year was my first time (gasp! a virgin!) at surf kayaking: catch a wave and ride it!

I keep wondering when I'll be too old for this fun shit.....all I know is that I ain't too old now...



See ya' dudes and dudettes... I'm gonna go catch some gnarly waves, get salt in my hair, and sand everywhere else.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hot Condoms!!!!

okay....I confess:
I thought it was gonna tell me what kind of condom I was.
so imagine my surprise when it came back, "hot sauce."
"Hot sauce condoms!?!?!?" I internally retorted, "that sounds downright painful!"

Then I realized it was "condiment" not "condom."

In my best Emily Litella voice, "Nevermind."



You Are Hot Sauce



You are the life of any party, because you're so good at bringing people out of their shell. I say "life of the party" you say "scene stealer." Whatevah. But seriously.....I don't hang out with snails. I don't eat them either. NO amount of hot sauce can make slimey be yummy....and talk about food touching! I mean, they kinda ooze all over and touch every--
'scuse me....I think I just made myself a little sick...

You have a knack for helping people happily embrace their true selves, as long as they're not snails....

You are ambitious, driven, and fearless. You love taking risks. Yup! I am a risk taker! As long as it doesn't involve my food touching...

Your taste in food is 100% adventurous. Correct again! Ummm....as long it's not touching each other...

You're up for sampling any exotic cuisine or someone's kitchen experiments. Correctomundo! As long as it's not touching...

You live for trying new things, and you get sick of eating the same food (even if it's very delicious), and, again, as long as it's not touching...

Friday, July 18, 2008

I love summer camp!

It is amazing to me that even though I grew up as a military-brat-on-the-move, I am blessed that as an adult, I am able to go to the same camp that I went to as a kid. Come along, and see how I spent last weekend.

Okay -- first let me tell you: my hair is up all weekend, and I have no makeup. This is unusual for me. I don't wear alot, but I do feel nekkid without it. Let's move on, before I start noticing how dry and wrinkled I am...



Now....this concerned me immensely.... "Holy shit!" I worried, "they've moved the toilets outside?!? And there's a him and hers?" Some of you may remember that I have some serious potty issues.......I was relieved to find that I could relieve myself inside. These were just....extras.....
One of my...."jobs" is to take the group on a hike. In years past, we've done Big Baldy, Little Baldy, Big Meadow, Tokopah Falls, North Grove Loop. This year, we decided to return to Crystal Caves. It was always a favorite of mine as a kid, and I've done it as an adult numerous times.

The cave, you perves, the cave.
To access the cave, you take a 1/2 mile trail down. Here's a couple shots along that trail. Yes....that means the hike OUT of the cave is all up hill. I hate uphill. But there are some lovely things to look at on the way down...and up.
Finally, you reach the mouth of the cave....and the 48degree breeze blowing out of it feels so good!


We waited about 20 minutes for our group to begin. We were told to not touch....but this sign invited us to touch. ::sigh:: talk about mixed signals. (Lawdy, lawdy, and with all my talk about caves, and ups, and downs, and mouths, etc. I so was wanting to touch something....) Mixed or not, touched or not, into the cave we went. Crystal caves was discovered in the 20's, and was the first (and only) cave in the Sequoia National Forest open to the public. For those of you who live here, and those of you who don't, I recommend this to everyone. If you want me to take you, tell me. I love this one!










There are some beautiful sites close to our camp, one being Eagle Trail. It was aptly named because it was an Eagle Scout's project. It makes a circle around camp, through meadows and big trees, and contains floral and fauna that I wish would grow in my own yard. After finishing my hike, I snapped this shot of the moonrise.









And, of course, no camp is complete without a group shot. Here you go -- both then (1975) and now (2008).

Saturday, July 05, 2008

HALLELUJAH , (shrek song)

The first time I heard this song, I was moved to tears. Allison Krause and k.d. lang do versions that are fantastic. But I think this has got to be my new favorite rendition. These guys are awesome.

**edit**
::sigh::
For whatever reason, YOUTUBE is being difficult....
here's a link:

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Not my fault......


Courtesy of Lime.....
What the Beach Test Says About You



You tend to be a very social person. You live for your friends and family. You can get social burnout occasionally though. You aren't a total extrovert.
Yes....and when I am socially burned out and hiding, my good friend Lecram makes sure I don't hermit too long.

You have cold feet when it comes to love. You have a lot of uncertainty until you convince yourself to dive right in.
Why and how the frick does bloggy things always bring up my love life!?!?!? Hey...I have no problem with the diving thing....as long is it's out of a plane...

You are deeply passionate about several things in your life. You're not passionate about much... and the few passions you have are truly obsessions.
How can I be deeply passionate about several things and not much at the same time, PLUS have obsessions. Puhlease....next thing you'll be trying to give me a Facebook intervention.
::STAY AWAY LECRAM! IT IS NOT AN ADDICTION!!!!::
Your sense of humor is goofy and silly. You are good at making almost anyone laugh.
Duh.






What Your Flip Flops Say About You



You are hopeful and romantic. You love many people and many things.

You aren't unrealistic, but you do imagine things in the most ideal way possible.

You are a dreamer. If something exists, you've probably thought about it.

You don't think about what is, you think about what could be.

Your ideal warm weather place: Fiji
Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something? I was just lounging here in my flipflops daydreaming about how wonderful my upcoming Fiji vacation with George Clooney will be.....






You Are a Halter Bikini



You're an athletic girl with a hot athletic bod to match.

And you've got a great tan, probably from all those beach volleyball games!
Well......bloggy things can't get everything right, eh? But seriously, I WOULD choose surfing and bodyboarding over reading a book at the beach. ..






You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach



You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun.

And you don't just love summer... you live for it.

So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!
Sold! I am a free spirit (or at least inexpensive). I live for the summer (as long as I've sunscreen). I am ready to blow off Responsibilities (whoever that is) if he will take me to the beach.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Here I go again....

...24 days to remember how this thing goes.....
::sigh::

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Thursday, June 26, 2008

oops.....

Okay -- so I can't believe I left out the scariest part of the visitation....

but I did...

shit.
I am usually a much better storyteller....I apologize.

Okay, so rewind to the part where

I WOKE THE FUCK UP.
(part 1 and part 2)

After laying in bed and allowing the heartrate to return to normal, I was finally able to fall asleep. Suddenly, I'm aware of a crushing weight on my back. Something is pinning me down to the bed.
I try to roll over.
I can't.

I try to speak.
I can't.

I try to sit up and scream.
I can't.

"Oh," I think, "this must be another dream! I'll just shift out of it, or wake up."
But I can't.

Because it is not a dream. I am awake, and being held down by something.

"PleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPlea," I silently pleaded.

After about 20 seconds, the weight was lifted, and I could speak. and roll over. and sit. and scream.

all of which I did as I ran out of the bedroom and to the couch.

And Now.....
(as Paul Harvey would say)

you know......the REST of the story.....