Tuesday, September 30, 2008

APj the Wallflower

So, I got a great phone message from Steve, Kajsa and Anja. Actually, I've had 3 sexually inappropriate messages, 2 down right rude ones, 1 questionable and this one. They, by the way, are happily settled in Sweden, and I miss them terribly.
Steve: Anja was just talking about you.
Kajsa: Really, she was.
Steve: Anja said, "Auntie Jayne is shy." I said, "Really?" And she said, "Yea, she is shy."

Of course, Steve and Kajsa burst out laughing.
But....it is true.

My dearest Anja,
Yes, sweetie, your Auntie Jayne is shy. Painfully shy. That you are aware of this just proves, once again, how wonderfully intelligent you are. Are you sure you aren't adopted? Your Uncle Drew and I are still not so sure....

I have developed wonderful strategies to deal with this condition. Most of the time, people are totally unaware of how shy I really am: I laugh, make jokes, act like "one of the boys," etc. Unfortunately, these strategies are usually ineffective (and sometimes dangerous) when I use them romantically.

Scenario #1: Is that a pencil, or are you just happy to see me? Sweetie? Where are you going? That was just a joke....I didn't mean....

Scenario #2: hahahahahahahahaha! Sweetie? Where are you going? I wasn't laughing at your peni...

Scenario #3: WTF!?!?!? I know I told you to just treat me like one of the boys, but if you think you're putting that ther...

So, the strategy I usually fall back on is to bolt. Run, Toto, run. Running is not a bad thing -- cardiovascular exercise is actually quite healthy. Another side-effect of this shyness is that I can clam-up instead of engage,
- trust me, conversation and sex are both difficult with your knees together
which led to the diagnosis by your daddy and mommy that I am sextarded. Don't worry, it is not (we hope), a permanent condition. The treatment for my sextardation has been gradual, but effective. As a sidenote, I think am scheduled for a treatment soon....

Hallelujah, and pass the condom.

Auntie Jayne

Thursday, September 25, 2008

OK Go - Here It Goes Again Granbury High School

This just frickin' rocks! If I were in high school, I think I'd have a crush on these guys.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me

Heya, doc.

Heya, APj. How're ya' doing?


Seriously, how are you doing?

Great -- really.



APj, there is no sorta in dating. There is dating, and there is not. there is no sorta. Just like there is no sorta pregnant. or sorta sex.

Well, Bill Clinton said that a bl

APj, do not attempt to change the subject. Answer the question: have you been dating?

Well, I went on three dates this summer, I'm still talking to that actor guy, and the hot archaeologist, Dr. Jone-

APj, the actor and the archaeologist do not count as dates. We've discussed this: if they are not physically available, it is not a date.

Doc, why not? I mean, there's conversation, there's witty repartee, there's loads of innuendos (some sexual, some not), and sincere concern. How is that not a date? I mean, seriously, the actor and the archaeologist kick ass over the three strike-out summer dates.

::sigh:: APj, file the actor and the archeologist for a

Doc, doesn't that sound like a TV show? Can't you just see it: The Actor, the Archaeologist, and Me. Kinda a Sex in the City -- but with no sex.....and no city (since I live in the country)

APj - stop trying to turn this into a joke. Your dating life is not a joke

Yes it is Doc. That's why I'm here. ::rim shot:: Thank you, thank you.

APj - focus. Tell me about Date #1.

Well, Date #1 was a teacher-

-Good start

-with a hot body

Even better - as shallow as you are.

I prefer visually inclined

whatever. Proceed.

We had a great dinner. We chatted, I was charming, he told me I had beautiful eyes

-you do

Thank you. He walked me to my car, emailed the next morning that he had a great time.

-sounds good

I thought so too! I responded that I had a great time too, and would love to go out again.


And nothing!


Well, he wrote again the following week, saying that he'd been thinking of me, blah-blah-blah. I AGAIN replied, "likewise" and AGAIN responded that I'd love to do it again.


Well, did you call him?

Come on, Doc! I called him the first time! It was his turn -- geez, I mean, I don't want to look desperate.

No, but you do want to look available.

Fuck you

No. I'm your doctor.

Oh, does that mean you're physically unavailable?


No wonder I think you're hot. Maybe I'll call the show, "The Actor, The Doctor, The Archaeologist and Me."

Times up, APj. Same time next week?

See ya', Dr. McSteamy.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Going to the store...

Stole this from Lime.....(stealing from her is so much fun!!!)

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments, what is it?
Produce: Strawberries. No! wait! One fricking strawberry!?!?!?? Scratch that (the choice, not the berry. Cause I’m sure if I scratch it, they’re gonna make me fricking buy it) – let’s make it a peach. ‘cause at least it’s good for a few bites.

Frozen: Ben&Jerry’s Dave Matthews Ice Magic Brownies. I’m sure there are no illegal substances in this…..really….

Meat: The butcher. The hot one.

Dairy: whip cream. For the butcher

Canned goods: I don’t do canned. Ewww….

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
Who’s the “you” that’s taking me? Seriously, it makes a difference. I mean, how am I supposed to pack if I don’t know “who’s” taking me and where “you’s” taking me to? Forget it, “you” is obviously more self-centered than I am if “you” can’t tell me who “you” is, and where “we’re” going. Jerk.

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear? Please remember, I teach….
“Thank you.” Seriously, when I ask my class to be quiet, I always thank them afterwards.

After all, it is all about me. Yes, I know: I am probably damaging them forever. This leads me to my next phrase:

Whatevah. Deal with it.

Why? Why not?

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
The futhermucker with the Fish on his car that just fricking cut me off. ASSHOLE!!!!!


On the way to work early, so I can get things done before school starts, I realize THAT IT’S A FRICKING HOLIDAY!!!

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?

Reading a book.

Contemplating cleaning the house.

Going to a movie

Talking to a friend.

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?

And Tigers

And bears.

Oh my!

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick 4, so what are you going to see?
TV of my choice? Easy-peasy, I would choose: Brad Pitt’s TV

George Clooney’s TV

Johnny Depp’s TV

Daniel Craig’s TV

Oh….you just had bad grammar? (Mis)placing your modifiers? Hmmpf. Why am I not surprised….. You meant to say a SHOW of my choice….fine (Jerk)

Battlestar Galactica (the new series)

Robin Hood (on the BBC)
Dr. Who (currently on the BBC)

Burn Notice.

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
2 pieces of candy (probably leftover from a dinner at Livingstones during the Rogue)

Dental floss (don’t leave home without it)

Something-else-they-say-to-always-have (although it expires at the end of this year)

Burts Bees lip balm

A poem. It’s personal

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
Teacher (yup – I have my dream job)

Comedic actress (I think I’ve got the chops. Not the boobs, mind you, but the chops)

Empress of the World.

Lady Jayne, wife of George Clooney

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

Ask him out – he’ll probably say yes.

Try out for the musical, you are just as good as they are.

Don’t worry about what they think.

Wait. He’s not worth it.