Friday, October 26, 2007

Jaynee's Gotta Gun...

So....I'm working out at Hobb's Grove - doing my best impression of Ebeneezer Scrooge: counting, sorting, depositing. Got into a discussion with a friend of mine that is doing security out there on where she carries her gun. (Yes, she).

"You gotta gun?" one of the newbies inquired.

"Yup," I say.

"You know how to shoot?" he quips.

Do I know how to shoot?!!?!?

Voldemort always had guns -- they weren't something I grew up around, but I (and he) felt that if they were in the house, I should know how to use one. I've pulled my gun out to use
(::shiver shiver::)
twice -- but those are stories for another time. The story today is about GUN CLASS.

What am I doing here, I panicked, why am I taking this class again? Oh yeah, because Voldemort thought it would be good.

In "This class" we would be learning how to shoot at a moving three-dimensional targets. I had agreed to go because I thought it would be fun. It looked fun -- all they way until I realized the makeup of the class: 7 males (all involved in law enforcement) and 2 females, other than myself.

One of the girls was the daughter of a local gun-store proprietor.

The other was one of the first female highway patrol muckymucks.

no pressure.

::footsteps running from class back to the car::


"What are you doing out of the class, Jayne?"

"Mike, give me the 9MM.

"What's wrong with your .38?"

"Hey, it's fine at home but crap for this class! Give me the 9MM!"
"Jayne-it's too big for you."

That is so-o-o like him -- size envy....

"Mike - I am NOT using my little 5-rounder with all of them! I'll be constantly reloading! Now give me the frickin' gun!"

He did, and I rejoined my class, as they were introducing themselves, and giving the reason(s) why they took the class:

"I wanted to learn to shoot my gun responsibly."

"I'm in law enforcement, and this kind of training is crucial to my job."

"I'm always looking for ways to improve."

B - O - R - I - N - G......

"Jayne?" prompted the instructor, "how 'bout you? Why are you here today?"

Of course...I could have gone with any of the stock answers above.....but have you ever known me to be stock anything?


"Well," I responded, "my husband made me take this class. He wanted to make sure that there were lots of witnesses to my gun that I could never say that I accidently shot him."

Laughter, comfortable and uncomfortable broke out amongst the ranks. Both the women smiled and nodded.

Four hours later, I'm ready for my test: I will step up to the line. The Driller Dan will start Mr. Dummy moving, and call off three targets (combination of head and/or chest shots). I will have 5 seconds to draw my weapon and fire off four rounds.

Of course, Voldemort has returned to watch.

"Jayne!" calls Driller Dan, "you're up!"

I step up to the mark, and he calls out,

"Jayne! Two head shots, one chest shot. GO!"

I swear I could hear the theme music from Chariots of remember:

Dum DUM da-da-da-DUM-da....

and I felt myself go all slo-mo/Kung Fu/Matrix:

I drew my weapon, released the safety on the way up, keeping my eye on the center of Mr. Dummy's face, firmly gripped the 9 with both hands, fired off two shots, dropped my aim ten inches

(::shiver shiver::)

and squeezed the trigger twice.

It seemed forever for Mr. Dummy to stop twisting and turning so that Driller Dan could inspect my shots.....

Mr. Dummy....was dead.

Driller Dan walked up to Mike.

"Even though you've got all the witnesses you should be afraid. Be very afraid...."

yes,yes. Jayne had got all four rounds off: 2 headshots and 2 to the chest.

Monday, October 22, 2007


I’ve shopped alone for so long, that the thought of shopping with someone else is a bit intimidating….

When I go to the store alone – it’s just…ME. And it’s so easy to go shopping alone: I don’t have to put makeup on. I don’t have to hold my stomach in, or shave my legs. I can just…go to the store! And once there, I can go down any aisle I want: quick, slow – heck, I can even go down the same aisle three times, and who’s there to care? Ya’ know, I’ve even found myself at the store and changed my mind, deciding that I’d rather take a nap instead…

So imagine my surprise (momentary shock and terror) at finding myself at the store….in tandem:

Oh crap!” I fret, “What is he doing? Oh…I think I know – I remember this! He’s pushing my cart! WhatdoIdowhatdoIdo? Should I pretend I don’t know he’s pushing the cart? Oh! Maybe I should I hold on to the cart—yes, that’s it! I’ll just place my hand next to his – then I’ll know what to d-

Whoa! What aisle is this!?!?!? Fruits and Vegetables? Nice….but I’m really not that crazy about


“What’s that?” he inquired, pausing the cart and perusing some melons.

Nothing,” I reply, “I just forgot about the cantaloupes. Those are nice. I forgot how nice they are…

After careful consideration, said fruit is placed carefully in the cart, and--

And we’re off again! The breakneck pace is exhilarating, even though I’m afraid I’m going to crash into the bread. Or the cookies. Gawd, I worry, what if I crush the cookie?

“Did you just say, ‘Cookies?’” he asked, “I love cookies.”

So…a few cookies later…

Oh heck, a few cookies and aisles later, I was riding in the basket – arms and feet dangling over the side, dazed and confused, but thoroughly enjoying the whirlwind swirling around me. I think I remember talking to a tall dwarf…or maybe it was a clown? Either way, he was very pleasant to talk to. We had a couple of conversations.

I had forgotten how much fun shopping with someone else was! I rediscovered parts of the store that I’ve avoided for a long time. Yes, yes, as usual, there were items I would have loved to have gotten at the store, things I meant to get and forgot (but got something else instead), and there were some aisles we didn’t go down. But, allinall, it was a fabulous excursion. I look forward to my next shopping trip.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


Stole this from Katie!!
Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

1. Don't call me smooshie....
2. I don't taste unnatural -- it's just the preservatives, damnit.
3. duh - of course I'm cute...

You Are Apple Cider

Smooth and comforting. But downright nasty when cold.
Smooth and comforting....sounds like cough medicine...
but I like the nasty line...
"Call me Ms. Nasty!"

You Are

A Robo Pumpkin Face

You would make a good pumpkin cyborg.

Great...another thing that takes batteries...

Your Monster Profile

Omega Warrior
Omega? Does that mean I am the Final Fighter? Cool!
You Feast On: Fingernails
lies...lies....well, I USED to chew them....but I never swallowed them....on purpose....

You Lurk Around In: The Ocean
you say tomato, I say tomahto
you say lurking, I say lounging.

You Especially Like to Torment: British People
well...if he'd quit winking my turd I might stop torm--
aw, who'm I kidding!?!?!?!? He's just so-o-o-o much fun to torment. And I think he kinda likes it....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Garou - You can leave your hat on (live)

okay....just feeling a little.....

His voice just makes me wanna
go to the store for a hat-oh.
and strut around the rancho.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Throat Update

Dear Family, friends, bloggers and stalkers:
All is crazy here -- did I tell you news from the doctor? I can't remember, so I'll tell you again:
As some of you know, my throat has been bothering me again. I was afraid I had another tumor, so I finally sucked it up (courage, not the tumor), and went to see the specialist. Some of you may remember him as the only man I know who apologized for gagging me.
I have definite feelings for this man.
"I remember you," he greeted me, "you're funny."
Come her little boy and sit on my lap, I thought.
"You're not so bad yourself," I replied.
"Are you ready for this again?"
"I've thought of nothing else....all day."
With the grace of a gazelle-
-wait, that's kinda odd: a gazelle in a doctor's office -
With the grace of a gifted surgeon, Dr. F gently pulled my tongue out, inserted a long (size does matter) tube-mounted camera into my mouth
-and I gagged. Actually, he gagged me three times (show-off), but who's counting? But, as before, Dr. F was cordial and sweet, apologizing, wiping my chin and getting me a glass of water before proudly announcing, "It does not look like a tumor"
Wouldn't it have been great if he'd said it like Arnold?
But, long story (and the more boring part of the story) short: no surgery (yeah!), but loads of change: no coffee, no tea, no alcohol, no chocolate. seems the scar tissue is being attacked by the acids of Jayne. Geesh, sounds like an episode of Star Trek:
"Captain! the acids are eating away the outsides!"
"Spray, Scottie!"
"I'm an Engineer, not a Doctor!"
You get the point.. all who have enjoyed the raspy-voiced warrior known as APj - relax. That soft, raspy voice is here to stay.
But if you're drinking a mocha latte in front of me....I just may have to cut you down.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Le Interview from Lecram

5 Interview Questions from Lecram:
1. List 5 things guaranteed to perk you up. These things, qualities or actions ma or may not be at your disposal at the moment.
2. Through a mysterious lottery you have won "An Opportunity of a Lifetime of Your Choice!" What would you choose and why? there is no limit to what it will cost but money as in cold hard cash is also NOT a choice.
3. It is given that we all have painful episodes in our lives. these episodes are usually balanced with episodes of pure joy. If you were to pick a painful episode and choose a joyful one to create that balance, tell u s only about the joyful one.
4. Name the 3 top things you care deeply about and tell us why.
5. You have met George Clooney. He is impressed with you and gives you the task of creating a wild adventure that you will both go on. what is this 2 day adventure? Sex is not an option. (And don't give me that "rules schmules" shit on this one or you will never get another one of these from me again - morty).

Of course, I had to break a few rules -- that's just my style. But I don't have sex (which really isn't breaking a rule -- hell, that seems to BE my rule....), and I get here we go:

"Ms. Plain? Ms. Air? err--Ms. Airplanejayne? "
"Yes," I responded nervously, "that's me."
"Airplanejayne, seriously?"
"Yes...and not so seriously. See, I used to jump outta -- oh, nevermind--"
"Right," he replied briskly taking my hand, "are you ready?"
"Can one ever possibly be ready for space?'
My brusk guide stopped so abruptly that I almost ran into his back.
"Ms. Plain-"
"Ah, that's Airplan-"
"Whatever," He grabbed my arms and pulled me close. "Listen: Just because you won this opportunity in some mysterious lottery -- don't think it's all fun and games." I could feel the heat of his breath through clenched teeth, "you are going into space. If you aren't ready -- you could get hurt. You could hurt the entire team. You could all get hurt -- and remember: In space, no one can hear you scream."
As I burst out in laughter, his craggy face exploded into a grin, "Yeah. I thought you'd like that line."
"Morty," I chuckled, "you know I love movie lines! No matter how nervous I am, a well-placed movie quote will always perk me up."
"Okay, APj, glad ta' make yer day. Now, get on that shuttle and make us proud!"
Smiling, I walked eagerly up the gangplank.
"Mom! Mummy! Over here!"
Following the sound, I looked to the left -- and there she was: one of the best and top three things I care about: Erynn: Who loves me in spite of Me. I remember the day she was born -- I have never since been filled with such joy....although a particular weekend at Disneyland came close....
"Sweetiedarling!" I called to her, "Saffie! Baby! Mummy loves you! Even if I can't remember your name!"The crowd looked on in horrified shock as both Erynn and I dissolved into fits of laughter. Another one of those 'guaranteed to perk you up things,' I thought to myself. Erynn always joked that I had so many nicknames for her because I couldn't remember her name.

Reaching the shuttle door, last chance, I tell myself, if you're backing out, you're backing out now. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, tap my heels together and whisper, "There's no place like home. Please Lord, keep me safe. My eyes, my heart, and my will, as always, are in your hands. Amen."
The passageways are narrow -- I don't know if its the spacesuit or me -- but I definitely don't have a sexy swagger going on. If only I could have worn my Marc Jacobs red boots, I thought, that would definitely perk me -- and this outfit up. "Cause you know that it is--ta dah! --all about da shooze" I announce, striking a pose.
"Pardon me, jaynee" came a dusky voice behind me, "but your shooe is holding me captive."
An arm encircled me, keeping me from moving, "Not," he added, "that I'm complaining."
Blushing, I turn to see George.
"George," I stammered, "I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to start thi-"
"I said," he replied, tightening his grip and grinning, "I 'm not complaining. What an incredible adventure you've planned: a weekend in space!"
"Well," I recovered, "When I won that mysterious lottery, I thought you would be perfect--err, I mean, this would be perfect."
Taking my gloved hand, George led me to our seats. "You are perfect. And so will this weekend be." he said.
As the rockets fire underneath us, I realize that George is still holding my hand. Even through the layers of my orange pressurized suit, I swear I can feel heat from his hand. Damn! I cuss at myself, why did I want to bring him to space!?!?!? I can't even get him nekkid! I turn to look at him, and find myself lost in his brown eyes.
"Yes?" I gulp, feeling my heart pounding, competing with the rocket blasts from beneath.
"If I didn't have this suit on --" his hand casually caresses my thigh.
"George," I holler over the engines full roar, "Hold that thought for a few days....but in the meantime -- would you mind.....pulling my hair and humming a bit?"

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My Year (so far) in review

Okay....while I am at the store working on my interview from Lecram, here is something I started in August. I don't remember who I stole it from.....


1. Who kissed you on New Years?
Rio. (My horse) I actually would really love to kiss a human this coming New Years...
2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
Same two that I've had for the past few years....I keep thinking that "maybe THIS year..."

3. Does it snow where you live?
Nope. And it is one of the things I miss about living in Nebraska!

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Hot chocolate. Cold chocolate. Liquid chocolate. Hard chocolate. Can't say as I've ever had bad chocolate...

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
NO, but I would love to be there! Yeah, yeah, I know it's cold and crowded-but it's on my list.


1. Who was your Valentine?
Does it count that I spent Valentine birthday with someone on Valentines Day? Yes? Okay, so my ValentineBirthdayValentine was none other than kien: dinner, stroll, movie, stroll, coffee. Probably a stroll after coffee too.....we tend to do a lot of strolling...

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
YES. And I agonized for hours over which ones to give to whom. "Will he think I 'like' him?" "Eww, I better just give him the 'friend' one."

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
As long as I don't see some scary shadow creeping up on me, what do I care if some little hog sees his shadow or not?!?!?


1. Are you Irish?
Aye, darhling- I've a bit o da green in me. And I named my daughter Erynn, ya' kno'.

2. Do you wear green every Year on St. Patricks day?
Yup - through and through.

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2007?
Ummmm....I think it was right after I was recuperating.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
Yes--but I'm happy when he arrives again in November.

5. Something special in march?
DUH!!!!! The Rogue Festival!


1. Do you like the rain?
I love the smell of rain.

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
Not this year. But I am planning a great one for next year: I'm gonna steal a classroom from a teacher!

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
Naw--I just eat Erynn's candy.

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
April 20th? It's a holiday? for what? late taxes?


1. What is your favorite flower?
Sterling Silver roses. (They are lavender and smell wonderful).

3. Finish the phrase "April showers"....
bring Jayne flowers. Please. No, really, PLEASE BRING ME FLOWERS!!!!!

4. Do you celebrate May16th: National Piercing Day?
Geez. There's a fricking piercing day!?!?!?!? WTF.....

5. Is May anything special to you?
"May I kiss you" sounds pretty special....


1. What year do you graduate?
I graduated from college in 2002. That makes me sound so young!!! So much better than telling you I graduated from high school in 1978. Crap, did I just say that with my outside voice?

2. Did you do anything fun during this month?
Nope -- because I taught Summer School. But ask me about July! or August!

3. Have a favorite baseball team?
They're all cute in their uniforms.


1. What did you do on the Fourth of July?
Blew shit up!!!!

2. Did you go on any vacations in this month?
Went to Nebraska to see my folks.

3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
110 degrees. What do YOU think!?!?


1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer?
Went to Camp Surf. Learned to surf the waves in a kayak.

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '07?
see August #1.

3. Did you have a sunburn?
No. SPF40. I am lillywhite. I do not tan well. I will be a hot babolecious 90year old with fabulous skin.


1. Did you attend college/school?
I am, once again, teaching 7th grade.

2. Who was/is your favorite teacher?
I am my favorite teacher!!!! But I would put Miss Whitaker(4th grade), Mrs. McCabe (7th grade), and Mrs Beall (10th grade) on the list.

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
I'd rather fly than fall. Falling hurts like a bon of a stitch.


1. What was your last Halloween costume?
Dorothy, of Oz/Kansas. But it was kinda stripper Dorothy....

2. What is your favorite candy?
M&M's, Peach Rings (thanks nic and kien), jelly beans.

3. Whose birthday is this month?
My brother, Jeff.


1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
My friend Donna's house.

2. What's best about this month?
My birthday: November 5th!!

3. What are you thankful for?

4. Do you love stuffing?
depends on the stuff-ee


1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
OH- YEAH! Lights, check. Mouse tree, check. Oz tree, check. On the "wish list": dishes, towels and a shower curtain.

2. What is December 1st, 2007?

3. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Yup. and I am looking forward to it again.

4. Get anything special last year?
nope. nope. nope.

5. What do you want this year?
see #3 above. oh...and see #4. I do NOT want a repeat of #4....

6. Do you like cold weather?

7. Have you ever licked a frosted pole and got stuck?
I refuth to anthwer thith quethion on the groundth that it might incriminate me....

Saturday, October 06, 2007

sex bomb

yes, yes....this is just what I needed to make me smile today...