Saturday, April 28, 2007

Things that make me go hummmmm....

Okay, before you get your panties in a twist....let me explain:
After the Horizon Awards the other evening, we were all sitting (and some were drinking) at T.S.G. (aka Lipari, aka Starline Grill) when Rupert informed me that he was 38% gay.
APj: What?
Rupert: 38% gay.
APj: Well, you passed the hetro test at the wedding last summer. But 38%!?!?!? How do you know?
Rupert: I took a survey

::APj springs to her feet::

APj: A survey!?!?!?
Lecram: (shaking his head) Oh God, don't get her started on a blogy thing...
Joy: Maybe that's why you haven't--
APj: But I like penis!
Mia: Maybe you just think you like penis...
Lecram: (consulting his glass of scotch) Please, stop, please--
APj: No....I like penis.....and things that go "hummmmmm....."

::collective laughter::

Rupert: I'll send you the link.

so....I've been tossing and turning --and not because of the "thing that goes hum" -- waiting for this incredibly important survey. I mean, perhaps I need to buy Dickies Trousers instead of dicks IN trousers...

So the

Hmmmm (ah, that was me, not the thingy)......I would have to respectively disagree with these results. I am not Anne Heche lesbian -- although it is amusing that I live in the rural area of Fresno: where she was found wandering and talking to aliens......
1. I'm pretty sure that all days I am not a lesbian -- like I said: I like penis!
2. I've never ended up in another girl's panties. Except for that one time at band camp. Oh, and that time I borrowed a pair of cute chonies from Hoover in college....
3. of course I like to shave my armpits...the alternative is just gross. I wish that men shaved THEIR armpits!
4. And, while I haven't made out with a girl when a bunch of guys asked me.....I might if they dared me.....

So.....(yes, Lecram), I had to take another quiz!!!

Whew!! Only 30% gay. And I kinda like being described as a girlie girl with a butch side.

Okay ya'll. I gotta go work in the yard, ride my tractor, move some hay, and go to the hardware store. But don't fret: I've got cute panties on, my legs and pits are shaved, and I'm looking for cute men.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

My Dublin Interview

Lecram: here are your questions. Envision the interview taking place in a cozy Dublin pub.
1. What is the one thing in your life that you really wanted and never happened that you are now actually glad about
3. What are 2 things that "make your head spin" in a good and bad way?
2. If you were to pick the opposite qualities between 2 sitcom characters that represent you who and what would they be?
4. If an all knowing spirit in a tree offered to be your "spirit guide" in one area in your life... what would that be?
5. Guinness or whiskey?

I hear his sing-song brogue before I can see him –(gawd, I’m such a sucker for an accent)
“Oh Lassie, ya’ got dat farr away look, in yer eyes”

“Oisin, I keep telling you it’s Jayne…or Airplane Jayne….or even APj….but not Lassie, please. Makes me feel like barkin—

“Oh, darhlin’, - if ya’ feel like hurrlin’—“

“That’s barking, not barfing! Silly bucko….now…” patting my knee and winking at him, “come have a seat.” He sits close,“Ah, me Bonnie Lass,” he whispers, “what is the one thing in your life that you really wanted and never happened that you are now actually glad about?”
Taking a deep breath, and a swig of my Rosie Lee, I turn and look into those eyes (“Dear Sweet Jesus,” I say to myself, “His eyes are so blue I swear I could swim in them”). “Oisin, I know you don’t like to hear about Voldemort-”

“-that gobshite! I’d give him a toe up da hol-"

“Shhh” I gently place my finger on his lips, silencing his curse, “…..silly boy…..I was just going to say that, although I spent many years wanting that marriage to work, wanting it to succeed, it never happened. I only realize now that I’m happy….yes, and even glad I didn’t get it. Because……well, because I realize now that the only way it would have ever worked would have been for me to completely lose my very being, my very soul. I would have ceased to exist. As it was and is, I lost huge amounts of me….it is taking a long time for me to heal. A lot longer than I thought….” My eyes tear up, but I’m not sure whether it’s from the smoke-filled pub, or the gutwrenching confession.

“Cor! Damn that Fecky the Ninth!” declares Oisin as he pulls me up out of my chair. “I know tha’ wanker spun yer head in a bad way,” his coarse shaven face brushes my cheek, “But if ya’ let me take you home,” his lips nibble my neck and his hand wanders southward, “I’m sure a little Aussie kiss will spin back ‘round in a good way!”

With the red rising past my cheeks, “Come on little boy,” I slide my shaking hand between my arse and Oisin’s hand, “I could use some fresh air and a stroll.” “And then,” firmly leading him towards the exit, “we’ll talk about what makes my head spin.” The damp, cold, Dublin air hits us dead-on as we leave the warm, but smoke-filled Horseshoe Bar. We walk in silence for half a block when he quietly says,

“Yes, I kno"

"Know what?" I ask.

“Kno' da’ answer…” Oisin pulls me closer, “da'” And his arm drops and drapes casually, but protectively around my shoulders.

I whirl out in front of him, “that’s what makes my head spin!” I squeal. His alarmed eyebrows make me continue quickly (before he bolts away), “but spin in a good way. I love when someone can get into my head, and know what…or how…..or even why I’m saying/feeling/doing things…..sometimes things I’m not even sure of. Makes me feel like the earth is off it’s axis”

Oisin pulls me back in towards him, wrapping me tightly, “and…” he continues, staring intently into my eyes, “wot makes it spin…in a bad way?”
My eyes cloud over, “jealousy,” I reply, “my jealousy……like… when the green genie strikes me! Then….well, then…I also feel….like….like the earth is spinning and I’m trying to hold on! I hate that the root of the same emotion, my attraction or feelings can lead to my head spinning out of control in either a good or bad way.”

Feeling excruciatingly vulnerable, I toss out, “Guess that means I’m crazy, right? I mean, how can you do or be such polar opposites? I mean, it’s kinda like being Phoebe and Monica all rolled into one!” “Hu-huh?” Oisin stammers.

“You know,” I gush, happy to be off of the head-spinning topic and onto neutral, T.V. sitcom territory, “from the sitcom Friends. I’m kinda like Monica, in that I love everything to be neat and orderly. Dressed proper and acting properly. But….” I glance slyly over my shoulder, “ I love to… freeeee like Phoebe!!!!”
And with that, I charge forth, arms flailing freely and wildly.

The Dublin air is crisp as I run through St. Stephen’s Green. Shrieking and laughing, I duck beneath hanging tree branches and slid on damp leaves, but I hear Oisin’s footsteps gaining, coming ever closer. Vacillating between speeding up or slowing down, my decision is made by what stands before me.
“What is that?” I gasp.
“Ahh…,” Oisin answers from behind me, “me ma’ tol’ me ‘bout tha’ tree. She said tha’ if you give it a gift, it will guide you.”
Pulling the scarf from my neck, I drape it on the tree’s proffered branch. “Gracious Tree spirit,” I entreat, “Please guide me.” Self-consciously I drop my voice to a whisper, “Gracious, gracious Lady of the Tree: I am too fearful in love. I am fearful to make a bad choice again, and so I stand frozen, making no choice at all. Which is still a choice, albeit a poor one. Kind, gracious and loving Lady of the tree, give wings to my feet of clay. Give sound to my tongue of sand.”



“Jayne….are you done?”

“Darling,” I say, patting the tree bark as I turn, “I’m just getting started.”

“Wot ya’ mean?” he stammers, as I place myself in the crook of his arm.

“Oisin… you have any Jameson at your place?”

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Bored and looking for the Meaning of APj....

You Are a Candy Heart

You're definitely a pro when it comes to romance - and you have great dating etiquette.

etiquette-schmetiquette. How can I have great dating anything, when I ain't dating!?!?!?

Plus you probably smell and taste pretty darn good.

Yup, I do smell good......although I haven't tasted myself lately.....

You Are Pretty Happy Being Single

You have a full, fun life.


And you definitely don't need love to be content.


Of course, being single can get you down a little.

kicking the horse a bit, aren't we?

Especially when you've been single for a while.

horse is dead, ain't it?

But you know how to be patient and wait for the right person.

'course, Mr. Right Now is starting to look cuter....

You're life is too good to settle for anything!

fine! fine! You're right! There! Feel better? I won't settle.....again.

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.

Yes... my mother always said I had a shining disposition......I think the above is the modern version of that.

Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.

They always say they have a great time....and then they shake my hand....

Gawd! How is it I'm always Maryann and not Ginger!?!?!?

You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.

....again, sparkling disposition....

Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

hmmmm...maybe THAT'S the problem: I'm only attracted to the nutcases!!!!

You Would Do Most Things For Love

You are willing to go pretty far for love

I would do any-thing for love...

- but not far enough to compromise your core values.

but I won't do that (and, Mr. Meatloaf, just exactly what was it you weren't willing to do?)

Love is a priority for you, and you'll go further than most people to hold on to someone you love.

rope? check. superglue? check. handcuffs? check. blindfold? check.

But killing for love? Or even taking a bullet? Probably out of the question.

Nope.....Hey, I don't need to do the dirty work. I know someone who relishes that sport. and probably would put relish on the end product!!!

No matter what, you love yourself the most!

hmmm....channeling the Divinyls: I touch myself....

Your True Love Will Find You Eventually

You definitely put yourself out there a little - but you could be doing more.

oh sure! Everyone's a critic!

If you're truly looking for love, try doing more things and meeting more people.

But I'm tired! Can't I just sit in a chair at Starline Grill and have them trapse in?

You don't have to actively look for love, you just need to stay active.

::Looking for love in all the wrong places::

Be out there a little more, and the right person will find you!

paging Mr. Right! paging Mr. Right Now! paging Mr. Close Enough For Government Work!

Monday, April 16, 2007

My Most Un-Christian Moment...

Uh-huh -- made ya' look, eh? Yup, Steph probably gave himself whiplash, Lecram sprayed scotch, Kowboi fell off, and kien dropped his guitar...
Steady boys, steady.

During a friendly game of Truth-or-Dare in Mexico --

uh-huh, I said Truth-or-Dare -- see why the young-uns luv me?

I picked truth. I picked truth, 'cause the dares (so far) had consisted of singing from the outhouse, using someone else's toothbrush, eating 16 marshmallows, and witnessing to strangers from other campsites....

Yeah, I picked truth (big deal. like you didn't already know I was a big woosie, eh?)

"Teacher Jayne -- tell us about your most un-Christian moment." is a church group....and a youth group at that, so I tried to think of something "lessoney." You know -- something that taught by example. In light of that, I shared about moving out to California at nineteen, and alienating myself from my mom for a year.

"Geez, Teacher Jayne," lamented one of the other adults, "I was expecting something better from you...."

::Jayne wipes hands on concrete/dirt/mexico-stained jeans:: "Okay....okay -- here ya go:"

I remember seeing the ground rush towards me, and thinking, "Dang! This is gonna hurt like a fothermucker!" I tried to get my body straight -- straight as I could, and stiffened for the impact.
Witnesses say I bounced three times. I vividly remember the first hit, and maybe the second. But then I just remember sitting up, and pulling my parachute under my bum, so I wouldn't get dragged away.

Brain: move left arm
::left arm moves:
Brain: good! move right arm
::right arm moves::
Brain: great! move left leg
::left leg moves::
Brain: awesome! move right leg
::nada ::
Brain: aw, hell! Right leg! Move!

Brain: Must be my knee..

About this time, I found myself surrounded by all my skydivin' buddies.

"APj!" inquired Andy (an EMT), "Are you okay? Where do you hurt?"

"Andy, I'm okay -- but I think I blew out my knee. I can't move my leg"

Andy picks up my right leg......

and that's when my femur hit the skin -- and I....I began speaking in tongues!

"Sonofafuckingtruckingdrivingbastardcheatingbitchlickingshiteatingmotherfucker!" I screamed. ( mother always said if you're gonna do it, at least make it effective....)

Andy carefully laid my leg down, and when to get supplies other than bandaids....

I, never being one to know when to stop, proceeded with my verbal diatribe, "AsswipingmotherbitchbastardsonofaDONUTFUCKERgawd--"

Somewhere in the middle of this verbal assault, the group that we shared the dropzone with came up to me. Uhhh... the Christian Skydiving Team.......who were already flinching at the hellaciousness spewing forth from my lips. (I'm sure I saw one visibly shaking, and another making the sign of the cross)
"Jayne.....Jayne.....we just want you to know.....that we're praying for you."
"Praying!?!?!?!?" I retorted, "PRAYING.....for ME!?!?!?!?!?"

::here it comes.....Teacher Jayne's most Un-Christian Moment......::


::hangs head in shame::


Friday, April 13, 2007

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever!!!

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spiderman? White stuff spitting from wrists!?!? Hmpf....maybe Spidergirl....

Green Lantern


Now this is more like it! Likes to fly? check. Emotionally retarded? check. Attracted to bad boys? check. Yup. I think this is the REAL sUPERHERO me...
Wonder Woman

Ahh....I already was college....didn't get no lasso, didn't get no invisifricking plane either. Only got a severed artery in my foot. Nope -- don't wanna be her again...
The Flash

flashing? good. but I think I'm a bit too old for it now...
Iron Man

ironman? Whothefrick is Ironman!?!?!? I think this one is made up....Unless it's that song: "I AM IRON MAN"

darn. just darn. I wish I could be this good at being that bad....and in leather, no less...Hot chicka!

thank god! I mean - some people might tell you that I turn green and superstrong in a fight -- but hey....who ya' gonna believe? Me, right!?!?!?
You are intelligent, witty, a bit
geeky and have great
power and

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

2007 Mission to Mexico

Just thought I'd share a few of my pics from Mexico trip. 4 adults and 10 teenagers built this house in 3 work days.
We are so lucky to live in this country - broken as it is.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Firefly - Hero Of Canton

But this is my fave character: Jayne. No, no, not just because he and I share a name. I mean, yes, that's kinda cool, in a narcissitic way.....but I love the whole "accidental hero" and "morally confused" stuff..

plus...he's hot.


Your results:
You are Derrial Book (Shepherd)
Derrial Book (Shepherd)
Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)
Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)
Wash (Ship Pilot)
Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)
Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)
Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)
Inara Serra (Companion)
River (Stowaway)
A Reaver (Cannibal)

Well, I GUESS if I've got to be one of them, he's a good one: kinda mysterious, good with a gun, but, geez-louise! a priest!?!?!?!?!?

Oops!!! Some of you may not be familiar with this Whedon series (same guy who did TV Buffy series). Fanfrickintastic show - Firefly -- and followup movie: Serenity. Here's a link to the quiz

and...for the geeks among you:

Even though you are holy
you have a mysterious past.