Wednesday, March 29, 2006

ABC's of APj

Okay, I stole this from House of Lime, cause I thought it was fun.

Accent-I love to hear a British accent. I do a reasonable: British, Irish, New Orleans, Georgia,
Alabama, Minnesota, and New York. But never at the same time. Again, that whole “food
touching” thing….
Booze of choice – Wine is fine. Not much of a drinker. Mike, the owner of Starline complains
that he makes no money on me……
Chore I hate – cleaning the cat box.
Dog or cat – have cats. Wish I had dogs. Why? Please refer
to “Chore I Hate” above….
Essential electronics – do battery operated devices count as electronics? Need I say more?
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – Romance by Ralph Lauren. Actually, any scent by Ralph
Lauren. Could actually even be intrested in Ralph….
Gold or Silver? – both. And diamonds too!
Hometown – us military brats have a hard time with
this. Hmmmm… I lived last, and still home to my parents is Lincoln, Nebraska. So I
guess that’s it, eh?
Insomnia? – often!
Job Title – Middle School Teacher. Which could be a euphenisum for Combat Warrior, eh?
Kids? – one. Actually, she swears she’s an adult now (20 yrs old), but she’ll always be my baby.
Living Arrangement – continuing to live. Thanks for asking!
Most admired trait – Hmmmm……it’s probably my sense of humor. Or maybe my smile. Can I
just say I think it should be my bodacious ta-tas? Just ‘cause I like to say that?
“Bodacious Ta-Tas!!!!”.
Number of Sexual Partners – Sex!?!?!?!?! Partners!?!?!?!? You mean I don’t have to do it
alone?????? Shit! I’m always the last one to find out about these things…..
Overnight Hospital Stays – tonsils= 1 night. Broken femur/pulmonary emybolism=11 nights.
Child birth=1 night. Thyroid attempted explosion = 1 night, gastrointestinal/colon related
surgery (don’t ask) = 2 nights. Geez – I should’ve applied for the frequent flyer miles….
Phobia – Food touching. Shouldn’t happen. Hardly ever. ‘nuff said.
Quote – “Do! Or Do Not! There is no try!” Yoda
Religion – Episcopalian.
Siblings – 3brothers, 2 sisters. All starting with the letter “J.”
JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Sick, huh?
Time I wake up – usually around 5:30. Unless insomnia strikes – in which case, I’m already
Unusual talent/skill – hmmmm, I can wiggle my ears, shake my groove thing, and tie a knot in
a cherry stem. And yes, all at the same time…..
Vegetable I refuse to eat – I like all veggies…..but I’ll only eat okra if someone else fixes it.
‘cause it feels slimey. And before those of you who know me pipe in – tomatoes are FRUIT
not veggies!!!!
Worst habit – Procrastination
X-rays – I think I’ve had enough x-rays taken that I am truly radioactive. Just like the song:
turnmeontonight, I’m radioactive.
Yummy foods I make – the best pancakes! Absolutely the best! Wanna come over for
Zodiac sign –Scorpio
So, Superman Steve and the V.P. have not had their baby……still! Steve did not do a show at the Rogue, because the baby was due, and we were just sure that the baby would arrive during the Rogue. Of course, some thought a Rogue stage birth could be very avant-garde….but the V.P. shot that idea down.
I hate waiting for this baby. And I hate not knowing whether the baby is a boy or a girl. The worst part of “not knowing” is knowing that someone actually knows – and it’s not the parents OR me – only their doctor. Geez, worse than Christmas!
But I’m hoping for a girl. Why? Well, for one thing, the clothes are cuter. But mostly,
--well, mostly because of the penis thing.
“Penis thing?” you ask, “what penis thing?”
That whole “penis as a WMD” thing.

Boys begin wielding their penis as a weapon from birth.

And I am so not joking. Any parent/babysitter/older sibling that has ever changed a baby boy’s diaper can attest to this truth: if you do not cover that weapon with something (hand, towel, wipe, etc) before the air hits it, it will unleash a deadly yellow liquid –aimed with amazing accuracy--directly towards your face.
And the baby grows…..into a toddler and little boy. A little boy just like my little brother, Jason. Let me tell you about Jason:
I come from a family of six kids: JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Oh, and Mom and Dad: JayandJanet. What can I say…
Anyway, all the way at the end of the line – JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulie – Jason – the youngest. Now, with six kids, bathtime was crazy. Obviously, there was no way, time or money wise, for six kids to get to take individual baths – so we usually had to “co-bathe.” The unwritten rule was that the oldest got to sit in the front of the tub – where the freshest, hottest, bestest (?) water was. So……
One evening, 10-year-old me and 3-year-old Jason were in the tub. Jason said, “I wanna sit in front.”
“No, I’m the oldest! I get the front.”
“If you don’t let me, I’ll pee on you.”
“No you won’t. Besides, I’m the oldest. I get to --- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Yup. My three-year-old brother had stood up…..and peed on me. Weapon of Mass Destruction deployed on innocent civilian in a water environment. I lept from the toxic tub and went screaming – naked – down the hall and into the kitchen, screaming, “Jason peed on me! Grodie to the max!”
From then on, I refused to use the “peepee tub”, I insisted on showers, and I refused to bathe with anyone else.
I don’t think I need to go on with further proof of the Penis as a WMD.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Dynamic Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts
You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

How You Relate to Others
You are Dynamic
As someone who is DYNAMIC, you do not have a hard time meeting new people, and you have a bunch of close friends.
There are those who find being around people exhausting—but not you! Interacting with others, whether at a party or in conversation, gives you energy.
You have enormous respect for those who have earned their success, and have little patience for those who try to bend the rules or ride on the coattails of others' hard work.
Believing in the importance of integrity and hard work doesn't stop you from believing that people will do the right thing—you know that people are good at heart.
Part of what makes engaging with people so interesting for you is that you occasionally learn something new about yourself or about a problem you're having when discussing things with others.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Rogued hard and put away....

Rogue is finished – and I haven’t overpaid too many people…..I think. I will be tallying the $$ these next couple of days, and then will hang up the Rogue accountant calculator until next year. Here are some of my favorite observations and memories of this year:

1. APj is moonlighting at another festival. Geez! They’re just copying stuff from the Rogue. Can’t even come up with an original name. Her emails say it’s called the Rogo. You know, I knew she couldn’t be trus --
--what’s that? You say she just typed the email address wrong? Oh, well in that case – “Never mind.”
2. Unlike Mono or even Dengue Fever, Rogue Fever is not a fun thing to catch. No kissing, no fondling, no sex! But coughing and blowing (no, not that kind of blowing) all over the place! Am still on the waiting list for drugs from the Doc. Memo to self for next year: Get flu shot before festivities begin…….
3. If Nile says that a person seems nice, we need to:
- maintain eye contact in a non-threatening manner
- back slowly from the room
- run screaming from the place before the scary lady tries to tie us up also.
4. Kudos to Devon, if for no other reason than being Jag’s girlfriend!!! Please have sex with him soon so he will stop telling jokes….
5. So, I’m walking down Fulton, with a shitload of money in my pockets, towards Dianna’s North and South (or is that South and North? Warning; don’t ask kien, ‘cause he’s turned around in the fog….) and I look across the street. Blimey! That’s a big guy! I better keep an eye on him. Okay, if he crosses the street, I’m gonna scream like a girl and run like a track – “Jayne! What are you doing walking alone?” Oops….big guy turns out to be Mustang. Thanks for guarding the money, Mustang. Thanks to Dana for the money runs. Dana, I love the little-red-riding-hood basket….cracked me up.
6. It rocks having a bodyguard! Especially a cute foreigner with an accent. Cor, I hope he’s available next Rogue….
7. Ashtree has great accommodations! They even put mints on my pillow for me. I put in my request for an upgrade for next year: I’d like the pleasure palace, please…
8. SSM? Here? I don't believe it. Didn't get one dance. Nope! Mustabeen an impostor squirrel.
9. Marcel is just a damn good storyteller. Watching him two nights prior to his opening, I thought, “Geez! Is he gonna pull this off?” Not only did he pull it off, he gets top picks kudos from the Fresno Bee. But I still am confused about his whole “got both sizes….can accommodate either” Huh? What? I don’t get it…..
10a. and speaking of getting it: even though Solitaire claims she was the Rogue virgin, I doubt that she still is. Hot, hot, hot!
10b. and still speaking of “getting it” – I didn’t. Although, Jaded insists there was interest from some youngster (what is it with the twenty-somethings!?!?!? Mrs. Robinson fantasies!?!?!), I ascertain that there was no offer-age, and since there was no offer-age, there was no interest. Then I had some cute foreigner tell me he didn’t want to scratch my bottom, but insisted on inspecting said bottom when I scratched it myself (voyeur!), announced that although said bottom was rough, it was absolutely perfect (ta!), but then tell me he had to pull out of my boot because his box wouldn’t fit. Yup – went home alone that night too. And finally, my personal favorite Rogue line of the festival: “APj, if you draw me a map, I’ll go down on you.”

I kid you not. There is NOTHING like the Rogue.

Party on Garth.