Sunday, April 30, 2006

Dating Story #2

So…I’d sprung a leak. Well…not me, my sprinklers. Err – the sprinklers in the yard. Seems I kept forgetting where some of ‘em were and I’d run over them with the tractor. Much better about it now – but I’ve gotten sidetracked –
Sprinklers broken. Saturday morning. So I decided to go to the hardware store to get sprinkler parts and then to the gym and workout (good girl). So I’m dressed in my workout clothes:
Those of you who don’t know me – please realize that I am a chubby girl. My workout clothes consist of yoga pants and a T-shirt. And a hair clip. I definitely do not look like some hottie in a thong leotard….
So – I’m standing in line at OSH with my parts, when I realize that the guy in front of me is staring at my chest. “Well! I never!” I’m fuming to myself. As I make eye contact and try to come up with something clever, he says, “That’s a funny shirt you’ve got there.”
“Huh?” I say silently. And then I realize that I’ve got my “Don’t make me call my flying monkeys” shirt on.
“Oh, thanks!” I reply sheepishly, retracting the deadly daggers that I mentally impaled in his crotch. “I’m kinda a Wizard of Oz fan.”
“I like that movie too!”
“Think of something!” my brain screams….
Seeing that he has garage door springs in his hand, I offer, “Gee – looks like you’re going to have fun.”
“Ha, ha,” he responds, “Err – I’ve never done them before. Have you?”
“Uh-huh. One of the times my Dad was very impressed with my Hulk like strength!” I laughingly retort.
“Perhaps you’d like to come help?”
“Oh no!” I slyly respond, “Can’t you see? I’ll be working on sprinklers all afternoon.”
“Aw, come on! I’ll make you lunch…”
“Yeah, yeah – I can see it now: not only will I be putting the springs on your garage, but I’ll have to make my own sandwich too!”
We both laugh as the clerk finishes ringing him up. He starts to leave, and turns and says, “It was nice talking to you.”
“Yeah – I’ll be thinking about you and your springs while I’m fixing my sprinklers”
“Ha, ha…..are you sure you have to fix those sprinklers?”
“Oh yeah – I’ll take the easy job, thankyouvery much!”
“Well,” he says, “again…it was nice talking to you.”
As he exits the store, the clerk is shaking her head. “Geez! Dontcha just hate it when guys can’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”
“That guy!” she says to me, “I’ve never seen a guy hit on someone so hard!”
“Scuse me? Hit? On me? Oh no, I don’t think he……was he hitting on me?”
She looks at me with a “areyousomestupidkindofdorkorwhat” expression.
“Ma’am. You’re kidding, right?”
As the red rises and spreads from my neck, to my cheeks, to my eyes, and my ears, I shake my head, thank her politely, and make a speedy exit….

I went to the hardware store weekly for a month….but alas, I never saw Mr. Garage-door Man again.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

43 things about me. Cause the answer can't be 42...

I found this cool meme on addict's site -- and stole it! I love these things!!!!! And really, they do tell me loads about myself.
And I'll have the next dating disaster story tomorrow or Tuesday.

1. When was the last time you had sex?
Alone or with someone?
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
Preferably with my foot so I don’t have to touch the handle and get cooties…remember: I have potty issues…..
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Always! and so does any living member in my vehicle! Dead members are allowed to ride in the trunk…
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yup! Currently have two crushes. Haven’t followed thru on either. Neither crushee knows that I think they are crush-able.
5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it?
Toilet paper. See #2 above.
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Shirley McClaine. I think we we’re twins in another life.
7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Artichoke hearts
9. Do you crack your knuckles?
No way! Dontcha know that makes them big?
10. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
Any song when it’s stuck in there.
11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
Naw – but I’m hearing, “I write the songs that make the whole world sing” and it’s making me want to change my answer on #10.
12. What are your super powers?
I can fly. I just haven’t tried it without a parachute…..yet.
13. What is the hardest thing you have faced?
14. Where are your car keys?
Thank you for asking! I finally found the rogue keys after their four day hiatus! They are – shit! Where are they?
15. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
Anyone willing to answer! But a better question would be, “Who do I think will answer?” And the answer to THAT question is: Jade and Lelly.
16. What's your most annoying habit?
That I think that I’m always right……..(but seriously, I am…..)
17. Where did you go on your last vacation?
Nebraska….Hey! quit laughing! I went to see Mom and Dad!
18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it who would it be?
Ex-husband, aka, Voldemort.
19. What is your best physical feature?
My eyes. Although Devon said I’ve got nice legs… But I think I’ll go with my eyes…
20. What CD is closest to you right now?
Kien lim. Go check him out.
21. What three things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Water, soy bread, and some lumpy shit I forgot to throw out….
22. What superstition do you believe/practice?
I don’t knowingly cross the path of a black cat…
25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
Yes – do ya’ got a problem with that?
26. What would your name have been if you'd been born the opposite gender? If you don't know what your parents would've chosen, what name would you choose for your other-gendered self?
Jason or Joshua. We have a “J” thing going in our family.
27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg!”
28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go?
Forward! Why go backwards!!! (See Lecram – I am getting better, eh?”)
29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
30. What CD is in your stereo?
Trick question!! Please see #20 above.
31. What OCD qualities do you have?
I’m not compulsive about anything…..really…….
32. How many kids do you want to have?
I have one. She is perfect. Case closed.
33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
How famous do they have to be? Oops! Guess it’s rude to answer a question with a question, so I’ll just go with the “famous-famous” and answer: Brad Pitt. Omigawd that would send me to the store….
34.Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
Pass up the opportunity to kiss Brad Pitt? Just because we’ve never been formally introduced? Areyoufrickinkiddin???? NO-WAY!!!! Duh!!!!!!!
35. What do you do when no one is watching?
Shhhhh….close your eyes…….okay, now just open them a bit…..did ya’ see it?
36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
Renee Zellweger. But the Renee-as-the-plump-Bridget-Jones, not the Renee-as-the-lollipop-headed-trophy-doll.
37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Blaze of glory! Saving children! Slaying the dragon! Shagging the Prince!!!! Oops!!! Did I really say ‘shagging?”
38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most?
Pixie sticks!
39. What is your favorite kid's movie?
Beauty and the Beast. I don’t care what you say, the Beast is hot! And I want dishes that put themselves away….
40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Geez –don’t make me say it again! He’s gonna get a swelled head.
41. Have you ever been in love?
I thought I was once…..but I may have been mistaken…..check back with me later…..
42. Do you talk to yourself?
Hey! It doesn’t mean you’re crazy!! Really!!! The shrink said that as long as I wasn’t arguing and physically fighting that it…
43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?Duh….please see #18 above.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Having been single for the past three years after having been with Voldemort for twenty has led to some interesting and amusing adventures. This whole “dating” thing sucks – really! Or, perhaps dating doesn’t suck – maybe I just suck at dating. Seriously! Strange things seem to happen when I go on a date. --Or am interested in a guy. --Or a guy is interested in me.

So here begins a short series on my dating disasters.

So…. I had been going through a dry spell. Okay – let’s call it what it really was: a drought!. Symptoms: Parched, dehydrated, hallucinating and rambling. Geez, if I’d have known that being single was so bad for my skin, I might have kept Voldemort
--but I digress.
Drought. Dehydrated. Rambling. And Dry. Very dry.

So my friend, D, in all her wisdom, fixes me up with a fella. “Oh, Jayne! He’s really cute! Blue eyes, brown hair, nice butt.” No mention of employment. No Profit and Loss Statement. No Financial statement.
Just “nice butt.”
Sad that my friends know how truly shallow I can be.
“Really, Jayne – I think you’ll like him. I’m going to give him your phone number.”
And so, a few nights later, my phone rings.
“Is this Jayne?”
“That depends; who’s calling?”
“My name is A, I’m D’s friend.”
“Hello, A! How are you?”

and yada-yada-yada. We talked on the phone a few times – I was charming and witty (as usual), and procured a date. A face-to-face date. Geez, just the thought of a date sent me scurrying to the loo with I.B.S.
“Hey Jayne! How are you?”
“Terrible! I’m meeting A tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna die from dehydration –“
“But the drought is over—“
“No, not from the drought! From I.B.S.! Every time I think about tomorrow I gotta shit!”
Hysterical laughter erupts from the phone piece…..
“D! I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”
“Doo!!?!? You gotta doo!?!?!?”

Deciding that D was of no help, I got off the phone and stewed about my upcoming date: which led to three trips to the restroom. Good thing I purchase paper products in bulk.

The topper of the evening is the phone call from D’s daughter and her boyfriend.
“Jayne. Mom says you’re nervous. Okay – here’s what you do: Meet him at the restaurant so you have your car. Go ahead and have a drink, ‘cause it will relax you. But don’t have more than two (boyfriend screams, “have three – be easy!”). Wear something blue, but not sleazy (boyfriend chimes, “sleazy works for me!”). And it’s okay to kiss him at the end of the evening (boyfriend adds, “slip him the tongue!”)”

Yup. I ran, not skipped, to my loo.

The following day, I was ready for my date with A at 4:30. Unfortunately, my date was not until 6:00. Hmmmm…perhaps a wee bit anxious, eh? Time and two trips to the loo later it was time to go.
It was easy to spot A at the restaurant – and yes, D was right: beautiful blue eyes, great hair, and omigawd what a nice butt…….
I don’t need to bore you (any further than I already have) with the date details. Suffice it to say that I was, again, charming and witty. After we ate dinner, we went across the street and had a drink. After the drink we strolled around and went and had coffee. I, and my colon, were both doing well. Around midnight he walked me back to my car.
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmyhands?”

Yes, amazing how all the words blur together in your brain, eh? We’re walking across the parking lot, and he is holding my hand and telling me what a great time he had, and how he would like to see me again. At least, that’s what I think he said. There’s so much noise in my head, probably from that internal conversation, that it’s hard to hear him—
“So,” he says as we arrive at my car—
“omigawdomigawdomigawd. Whatifhewantstokissme? WheredoIputmy—“
“—Jayne, thanks for a really great evening,”

and he leans in closer
and I hold my breath
and he starts to wrap his arms around me
and I hold my breath

and suddenly we are bathed in light from above. No, not aliens. Just the friendly Fresno County Sheriff heliocopter. Looking for hooligans. Or perhaps Voldemort was following me…..who knows?
All I know is that the potential kiss became a hug. All engines on shut down. Houston, there is no problem, so Good Night!

…..and that’s why I’m not dating!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Tally - Ho?

You Belong in London
You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere.And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!
.....WARNING, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!! oops - wrong show.......but seriously, folks, this is my mum's biggest fear: that I will move to London!
Look out Lelly and Troubadour....ya' never know....

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

here I go again......

Unlike some of you.....I love to take these silly online tests! I got this one from Deadly Female, and thought I'd give it a go.
According to this test, I don't fit neatly into a category
--all together now:
So, I've reviewed both categories:
7. The Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute
to the world
8. The Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective
-- and smooshed them as I saw fit. I call the new (!) category
(the color-coded lines indicate which "category" it comes from.

How to Get Along with an Assertive Adventurer
Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.

Don't tell me what to do.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings.
Give me space to be alone.
Hmmm.....obviously you must relate to my more "adventurous" side! But I see how "fence straddling" that can be: how can I expect companionship and space to be alone? How can I expect you to be vulnerable, but not appear needy? Geez, no wonder I ain't dating....

What I Like About Being an Assertive Adventurer
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures

having such varied interests and abilities
...even though these traits come from two different categories - I'm drawn to their similarities: outspoken and straightforward. courageous and guts. optimistic and enjoyment.

What's Hard About Being an Assertive Adventurer

being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

never forgetting injuries or injustices
not having enough time to do all the things I want
feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
ah-ha!! And here is the bitter pill of APj! We see the ugly "Assertive" side of me: I find it hard to let the hurts go. I try to throw that baggage over the side of the boat (or out the door of an airplane!) but find myself diving (out of the boat or plane) to retrieve it. But it helps to have friends that remind me to Let Go.......

Insightful, eh? Let me know what YOU think.....

Friday, April 14, 2006

My Dad

My father is so strong. So resilient. And yet, he is tethered to life by tubing. He tells me that it is his lifeline – and he knows how far it will reach: to the back patio to take the trash out, to the front patio to check the mail, and all around the first floor.

But it doesn’t reach the basement. It can’t reach his bedroom on the second floor. And it can’t reach my house in California – so I have come to Nebraska to see him.

The sound is the same: a whooshing noise that is quickly cut off. Silence, and then another whoosh. But the silence isn’t so quiet – it’s filled with motor sounds, water gurgle sounds, and breathe sounds. I hear those sounds, and I’m immediately taken back – taken back to that horrible time when I was hooked up to a machine – a machine that was my link to life. The machine that kept me breathing. But now, it’s not me breathing, not my breath and life that is so dependent. It is my father. And I am helpless.

Dear Daddy,
I remember when I was little; you would come to wake me up in the morning. You would knock at my door, open n it a little, and softly call, “Lady Jayne, time to wake up.” I usually would already be awake, or wake up when you knocked. But I never said anything, because I loved to hear you call, “Lady Jayne.”
I remember when I got my first lead role in high school – “An Inspector Calls.” I didn’t even think you knew about it – or anything! But there you were on opening night – bouquet of flowers (yellow roses) in hand. And afterwards, you said, “Great job, Lady Jayne.”
And college - ha! Remember when I went to Kearney, Ne? And that pipe broke on the car – the one by the muffler? I called you and asked if I should stay and get if fixed, or come home. You said that I should take a look at it and do what I thought was right. So, I crawled under the car, pushed that pipe up, made a “U” from a wire hanger, and wrapped the entire contraption in duck tape – and drove the 2+ hours home. You came out of the house, crawled under the car, crawled out, went into the house, returned with the Polaroid camera, crawled back under the car to take a picture, came back out, grinning from ear to ear and said, “Great job, Missy.”
I have been truly blessed to have you as a father. Thank you for always thinking that I could do anything. Shoot! I think I always believed I could do anything, because you believed that I could!
Lady Jayne

It hurts to see him like this: This is a man who flew planes over Vietnam and Cambodia (although we still aren’t supposed to know about that part of that war). This man who carried the 12-year-old me into the hospital with a ruptured artery in my nose now struggles to carry a small load.

But still, he is strong. Still, he is resilient. He has already pissed off and impressed the hospice nurses. Pissed them off because he insists on driving to McDonalds for breakfast each morning. Impressed them because he seems to be defying the odds by getting better.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Step right up! Make a Pitch!

As you all are aware, I have been out of the dating pool/pond/puddle/drop for a couple decades (egad), and am somewhat rusty/dusty/cobwebby. Being somewhat clueless (okay, you're right: downright blind and oblivious), I appreciate all the offers of help -- including Jade's offer of drawing a map. But, I decided to put my business hat on. Hmmmmm, what would a Fortune 500 company do? Well, they would hire some consultant, who would come up with a fancy schmancy ad campaign, complete with some catchy slogan. --hey! Maybe I just need a slogan! Lucky for me, Lelly blogged about a fantastic site that would design a slogan specifically for you. For Free!!! HOW PERFECT IS THAT!?!?!?!? So, I typed in are the top 10 slogans for APj (and 2 more that didn't quite make the Top 10...)

12. My Anti-Drug is Airplanejayne.
Okay, those of you who know me, now see why they didn't let me use drugs often......way too scary!!!!
11. Everything We Do is Driven by Airplanejayne.
Hmmmmm.....very close to current motto: "It's All About Me!" so, it didn't make the Top Ten!
10. Devon Knows How They Make Airplanejayne So Creamy.
Huh? Devon doesn't know that. Shoot! Devon doesn't even blog. Devon won't even know what it is she can't possibly know unless some Rogue tells her it's on the blog...
9. Don't be an Amber Airplanejayne.
Now wait a minute. Amber is Amber. APj is APj. Although, let's face it: if APj could look like Amber.....
8. Why Have Cotton When You Can Have Airplanejayne?
Now this is more like it! But seriously, why have cotton at all?
7. Airplanejayne: The Other White Meat.
Uhhhhhh, heading into dangerous territory....
6. Making Airplanejayne Taste Better.
Okay, time to turn 180 degrees!
5. Silly Rabbit, Airplanejayne is for Kids.
Oops! turned too far! Setting the record straight: APj is NOT one of THOSE kinds of teachers.
4. Great Airplanejayne. Great Times.
Now this is more like it! Yup, yup, yup! always a great time!!
3. I Like the Airplanejayne in You.
(in my best Mae West: "Yeah, but I'd prefer You in the Airplanejayne!"
2. Nobody Does It Like Airplanejayne.
I really like this one! So please, let's not remember the rusty/dusty/cobwebby remark above--


1. Get the Airplanejayne Habit.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

--I'm going to Disneyland!!!! I've spent the last few days trying to upload a really cool collage of photo's that I stole --err got off the Internet that would go so well with this post.....but to no avail. the interest of timeliness and all...... I took the Guitar Wolf to Los Angeles. Walked the Walk of Fame, put our feet and hands in prints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, did the RockWalk (thanks to Thereiminman for suggesting it), Sunset strip, Disneyland, The Temporary Museum/Ashes and Snow exhibit in Santa Monica, and the Getty Museum.

Cor! Wot a road trip! I must say, that the Limey travels well: picked great road trip snacks (crunchy M&M’s and honeyroasted peanuts), didn’t backseat or passengerseat drive (although I did see him close his eyes fearfully a few times), and was quite agreeable. Other than the usual miscommunications between a Yank and a Brit
Jayne: You want to wink my what!!?!?!?!?!?

It was a fantastic trip. And, as usual, very educational. Educational? Disneyland? How, pray tell?

Things kien learned:
1. Americans don’t think they have to have license plates on the back of their cars. Of course, after Apj said that they did, we proceeded to see a dozen cars without plates.
2. the meaning of the word “awesome!” Yes – he even used it! Check his blog if ya’ don’t believe me…..
3. That although Bruce Willis looks very macho, his handprints at Mann’s Chinese Theatre prove elsewise. Wimpy, wimpy hands.
4. But kien’s got the same hands as Johnny Depp. –Err, according to the prints at Mann’s that is!!! Cor, get your minds out of the gutters!!

Things Apj learned:
1. Going upside-down isn’t all that bad. In fact, I think I like it. I’ll have to do it again. Thanks kien, for making me do it: California Screamin’!!!!
2. That the wrong music can make an exhibit pretentious. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it…..really! You say pretentious like it’s a bad thing…..oh, it is? Well….nevermind…..(but I still liked the photos…..)
3. Gotta get new CD’s. Road trips without CD’s aren’t a good thing. ‘specially when traveling with a musician. (but please remember: CD collection destroyed and stolen when Kermit was crushed.)
4. Did you know that the little Eskimo girl is not playing with the Walrus in “It’s a Small World?” Did you know that she’s fishing? Geez! Now I suppose you’ll tell me that Old Yeller didn’t get better at the end of the mov—

Which brings us to the ongoing plans for an alternative to Disneyland. But I’ll save that for a future post!