Friday, January 30, 2009

Tag. It's not a game for children...

So, I got tagged over on my Facebook. Actually, I got tackled - like four people at once. Ouch. Not wanting to be a spoil-sport, I played. Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. I did it, but thought I'd put it up here too!

::sigh:: I always hated tag - all that chasey-chasey wore me out!

wait - that's a good one - let's start there:

1. Don't make me chase you - it's just gonna make me mad when I catch you. Plus you'll have to wait while I catch my breath.
2. I am very aware of breath. If yours is bad, I'm not interested.
3. I don't like my food touching. Yes, I know that most of you know that already. But it is very random. And it is me. At least I'm not one of those OCD people who eat all of one food before they start on the next.
4. I don't mind people with food issues. It takes the attention off of my issues.
5. I have potty issues in my dreams. Often, in my dreams, my toilet is viewable to the world. Which makes want to hide.
6. Sometimes, when I'm hiding in the closet in my dreams, I find really cool rooms that I wish were real. One time I found an entire apartment. Another time I found a really cool bathroom. But it didn't have a toilet.
7. Two of my friends bought me lunch trays so I don't have to worry about my food touching. I love my friends.
8. I have a song written about me.
9. I have a song written about my horse.
10. That line about having a song to sing all over this land? That's just stupid.
11. I moved to California when I was 19 because I had a wild hair up my @#!. Getting waxed would probably have been less painful.
12. Pain is not always a bad thing.
13. I removed the stitches/staples from my hip because the toysRus doctor was too wimpy.
14. I almost shot my refrigerator one night because I thought there was a burglar in the kitchen. Ask me sometime -- it really was funny. Not at-the-moment-funny -- but later-that-week-funny.
15. People think that I am stronger than I think I am. Actually, you could put a whole lot of different adjectives there....
16. I see nothing wrong with my shallowness. Hey, it worked for Hal, didn't it?
17. Vanilla wafers and cream cheese frosting. Yum.
18. I have really hot-looking friends. Which sometimes makes me a little insecure. Until I remember that I'm shallow - not insecure.
19. It is 16 steps from my front yard to the front door.
20. I love it when my friends pick out people for me to date because I suck at picking them out for myself.
21. I probably suck at #20 because I am shallow.
22. I think there is one plant in the middle of Iowa that makes tuna and cat food. It's just different labels on the can.
23. I love that the Rogue adopted me. They have been very good to me. (Big shout-out to the #1 "Rogue Has-bean") :)
24. I am very excited about a trip I am planning for this summer.
25. I am still writing my Rogue show. ::sigh::

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Interview!

Lime graciously consented to interviewing me, and here are my responses:

1. Out of 6 interviewees there were only 2 women who volunteered, both are known Rogues. The interviewer is a Rogue wannabe. You have already penned and performed a one woman show and are working on this year's show. Pitch a show to me for next year involving you, Ms. Solitaire, and me. Umm....please see #5 below for the show.

2a. When you "go to the store" do you take a shopping list? No one appreciates an....impromptu trip to the store more than I. However, there is something to be said for....planning. I find when I write things down, or at least tell my "shopping partner" the things I really want or need, that it usually leads to....ummmm....shall we say....a more pleasant experience? Seriously, don't you just hate getting home and realizing you forgot to get the one thing you went to the store for anyway!?!?

2b. Paper or plastic? Paper!?!? Seriously, they come in paper!?!?!? Ewwww......that is just disgusting. And plastic....that is just so "ungreen." I'm thinking I'll forego paper and plastic, and stick with the real thing, thankyouverymuch.

2c. Is self checkout less of a hassle or do you feel like you should get some sort of "good customer discount" for handling things yourself?As I shared in last year's Rogue show and a previous post, there are many advantages to "self checkout." I certainly do feel that since I am doing all the....loading and arranging, not to mention pushing my own cart, I ought to get some kind of discount or upgrade. Hey! How about some kind of frequent shopper stamp or something -- you know, like after ten solo shopping trips I get a tandem one for free?

3. What do you think about when you are in free fall? Twenty+ years later, and this is still the question people want the answer to! About 30 (egads) years ago, Spider Robinson and his wife wrote a book, Stardance. The main character was a dancer - who was considered too large and heavy to be a dancer. So she started dancing in Space - freefall style. THAT'S what freefall was for me: dancing in air.

4. Give me a list of tunes we will dance to on our pole dancing/bus ride adventures?Our tunes need to cover a....variety of.....situations that may.....ahem.....arise... so I think we'll start the tour with "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake, because we are bringing it back, damnit. I think next will be "Kiss" by Prince, 'cause it's just hot. This may, of course lead to "I kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry. Not that I'm planning on kissing any girls...but if we're whirling and twirling, it just may happen....which may (or may not) lead to "London Bridge" by Fergie for a finale.

5. An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?
This is my 2010 Rogue Show, starring Apj, Lime and Solitaire. The evil Princess Solitaire has not only taken over the Rogue, but has her sights on the world as well. And if the world won't bow to her will.... But never fear! APj and Lime know of her rubber chicken and peanuts fetish (did she say "peanus"?) and are not afraid to throw peanuts her way (did she really say "peanus?")! And if all else fails, APj and Lime have the Spoon of Swoon, which always reduces the Princess to a puddle.

yes, yes, I know - I didn't use the Aquanet. Hey -- you gotta have something for the sequel, right?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Sex!?!?!?!?!? EWWWWWWW......

I remember the first time I met my ex-M.I.L. Voldemort was out when she stopped by, so I invited her in to wait.
"Voldemort has told me so much about you. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thanks. And you?"
"I'm so horny! I haven't had sex in a week. I swear I could have an orgas..."

::THUD:: (the sound of my jaw hitting the floor)

I don't remember most of the rest of the conversation - because all I could think was,
"Holyfrickingcow I can't believe this old woman is still even wanting to have sex! Did she just say 'oral'? Crap, I think she did. Crap; I think she expects me to say something. What should I say? All I could think was, 'Ew, lady, I would have thought your hoo-hoo would be retired by now!?!? I mean, come on, you're over 40 for cryingoutloud!!!'

Yup, at the wise age of 21, I thought someone over 40 having sex was - gross. I swear it made me throw up (a little) in my own mouth - yeah, that's gross too. But seriously, the thought of "this old woman" having oral--

Ahh.....the irony of it all -- to find myself "over-forty," and standing in front of an audience, and talking about: sex (or the lack of it).
kinda gross -- especially if there's 20-somethings in the crowd.
So, as to assuage the masses (okay, the small polite crowd would be a more accurate description of my Rogue audiences), I like refer to my....."encounters" using my most favorite euphemism:

Some of you are familar with this expression. Heck, I think I may have at least run around the parking lot with one or two of you...and some of you I've taken to the store - even if it was just my imagination...running away with me....

As I've said in the past, shopping alone is not necessarily a bad thing: I don't have to hold my stomach in, or wear makeup. I don't have to shave my legs. I don't have to worry about how long we're going to be having se-- err, shopping, or how much sleep I really need. I don't have to have the "I told you the last time, don't push your...cart....down... that....lane" conversation.

Yes, yes, I know - we are not meant alone. And I do appreciate someone else being in charge of selecting the...fresh produce. And pushing the cart. But damn! There are so many things to be relearned -
-like how do you get from the parking lot to the store? I mean, do you make it look like an accident, or do you announce that you really want to go inside?
-or the art of pushing the cart. Fast? slow? Both sides of the aisle? Left to right, or right to left?
-maybe no cart at all - just a handbasket....
-not putting something heavy on top of the..."bread" - it just gets smooshed flat. Flat bread, no good.
-oh, and remembering to make sure "they" get what they wanted at the store. It is not, after all, all about my cookies. Oh, but should you crush my cookies, we.....will NOT be shopping together again.

All this store-talk has made me....hungry. I'm gonna go see what's on the....shelf.

My ex-M.I.L. and I are no longer in contact, but she and my daughter are very close. I am happy (?) to say, she continues to talk about sex with 20-something year olds:

MIL: So, Erynn, do you have a boyfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma.
MIL: Do you have a girlfriend?
Erynn: No, Grandma, I'm not a lesbian. I just don't have a boyfriend.
MIL: 'cause it would be okay if you were a lesbian. If I were 20 years younger, that Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot!
Erynn: Bye, Grandma....

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

DR. JONES!!!!!

Back in the Middle Ages, Matchmakers were employed to find....matches. With the advent of the Internet, finding your perfect match is...guaranteed!
Eharmony asks you a hundred questions and matches you with your ideal mate, who, according to them:
    • lived in Alaska (3-month long night=good. 3-month long commute to work=bad)
    • was thin as a rail (which makes me look even fatter, thank you)
Match-dot-com promised to find my "soul mate" within 6 months. They didn't, so I got 6 months free. The results? My "soul mate"
    • was 28, lived at home, smoked, and worked fast food. ::sigh:: There will be a story about him - LATER. I promise......
After a few more dips into the online dating pool, I quit swimming. I ignored the flirts and such sent from the various sites. Until I received a message from....Indiana Jones.
Okay, okay, it wasn't from Harrison Ford -- but he was an archaeologist.

And there is just something about a man and his shovel....

yup - you betcha -- I went to the store. And after I saw his picture -- I fricking moved to the Costco parking lot!

Of course, I was sure the picture he sent was a lie - why would someone like THIS want to date me? More than likely, Dr. Jones was some lonely bald, toothless, pot-bellied mountain man from the hills of Deliverance.....

"It's not that I don't believe it's you in the pictures - it's just that I
...well, I don't believe it's you. I mean, come on! You're gorg- -huh? You're sending a video clip?"

So the video arrived -- not "that" kind of video.
darn! drat!

-No, just a video tour of the University....and his office.....culminating with a shot of him, saying his name, calling me by my name....
so that I knew it was the same "him" from the pictures, and that "he" knew that he was talking to "me"....sorta electronic proof, right?

So, I responded as quickly as my fingers could type:

"Dr. Jones. Thank you for the lovely tour of your office at the University. I now believe that it is really you that I am conversing with. However, I feel I must inform you that even though I am a single, middle-aged/overweight woman, I am neither desperate or stupid. If you're intentions involve a green card or my bank account-
-what? You're not interested in either? What? You think I'm sexy, talented, beautiful and funny? Would you mind pulling my hair while you say that?"

With English being his second language, explaining the phrase "Pulling my hair" took as much explaining as my "going to the store" analogy....but after a the picture.
Oh....Dr. Jones! You're a bad man, Dr. Jones (but in a good way!)

Oh, I forgot that part, didn't I? I forgot to tell you where this absolutely perfect man lives, yes? In the typical APj tradition of being attracted to unavailable men, Dr. Jones is unavailable - "geographically" ....unavailable. Dr. Jones....resides in......Turkey.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Fearless #5. Or - Time wasters that keep me from writing my show

Your Spiritual Number is Five

You bring adventure and change to people's lives.
Which is all fine and dandy, until they are faced with "Plan B."
You are willing to challenge your friends and push them to grow.
Growth Plan B: Shove friend out of a perfectly good airplane.

Right now, your life is about figuring out where to direct your energy.
I KNOW where my energy SHOULD be directed: I SHOULD be writing my Rogue Show, not finding out what my frickin' Spiritual Number is. I mean, what the frick is a "Spiritual Number" anyway!?!?!?
If you're not careful, you can become too unreliable or flighty.
Frick you. If you're not careful, I toss you out of the plane, SANS the parachute.
You need the perfect project.
No. I need a mannequin.
You live a free form life - which allows you to be very innovative and a great problem solver.

Rules, schedules, and structure practically destroy you. You have to do things your own way.
Like I always say: "rules-schmules."

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it! theory I believe this.
You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing.
Yes. But it's pretty risky taking the risk.
Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities.
And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.
Yup. Sometimes I am brave enough.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Accidentally Dating

Accidentally Dating.

I met John the Baptist at church. That’s appropriate – yes? I mean, what better place than a church to meet Mr. Right? Of course, John the Baptist didn’t ask me out then. He had other things to do. Like wander in the desert? I don’t know, all I do know is that a year later, we ran into each other, one thing led to another, and bam! A date. An 8 hour date! Hey, I’m good at the first date thing….I thought a second date was a sure thing, but John the Baptist was…..shy, I guess that’s what happens when you’ve wandered the desert wearing goat fur…..not quite sure of yourself. Over the next few months John and I would be at the same events, he would come and sit and chat, I would chat and sit, all would be nice. But there were no organized dates. They were all….accidental dates.

“Nice to see you, can I join you, APj?”


“Would you like to go to dinner later?”

“Gee, John-the-Baptist, I’ve already got plans for later, but why don’t you call me and we can go out sometime?”

“Hey, APj! I didn’t know you were going to be here!”

“Well, John…..umm….it’s kinda my show?”

“oh, yeah, errmm….wanna go for a drink later?”

“Sorry, I can’t. But I’d love to go out with you again(silent scream: and you would surely get a little action – maybe I’ll let you push the cart…) SO why don’t you call me?”

My friends thought I was being hard on the Baptist – but come on: I’m sure he never accidently baptized someone.

- “Oops, so sorry, Jesus. I didn’t mean to dunk you in the river Jordan.”

So why should I let him start accidently dating me? Call me a prude (not), but I am not about to accidently date someone – even someone as well-connected as John-the-Baptist. I mean, come on you know what would happen, don’t you? Accidental dating leads to accidental making out, which leads to accidental sex, which can lead to accidental marriage.

Think I’m making this up? Hmpfh. I accidentally got married once. And not in that cool “going-to-Vegas-and-getting-falling-down-drunk-and-waking-up-next-to-a-hot-Brad-Pitt-look-alike” kind of way. Shit, like I could ever be that lucky….