Friday, June 30, 2006

Skydiving Bare -- err -- Bear

Polar bear - I love Sky



Okay, I had to pass this on. This came from my sister, JoJo in Texas. Once I stopped laughing, and I picked myself up off the floor, I decided I had to share with ya'll.

What's Your Southern Sign?
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand:
See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful- they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Butter Beans and Catfish.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. OMIGAWD -- THIS IS SO-O-O-O ME! I do get along with everybody -- err, except Voldemort, and who wants HIM at a party!?!?!? And yes, I do steer clear of Moon Pies - I never did develop an affinity for them. Although, I do like HoHo's and DingDongs.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Satan's Pitchforks

I do not allow them in my house – especially those round wooden ones. Occasionally my mother tries to sneak them in when she comes to visit. I remind her that if she wants me to be kind to her in her drooling years, that those instruments of the devil – those things she refers to as “toothpicks”
--but that I KNOW are Satan’s pitchforks –
are NOT allowed on the premises.

I don’t remember what I was doing when “IT” happened. Actually, much of the time around the “incident” is a blur – but I’m sure that’s common. Ask anyone who’s been attacked by Satan – and they remember the attack. But they probably don’t remember exactly what they were doing. I know I was in my room. I know I was walking. And suddenly I was crumpling.

I immediately removed a tiny wooden sliver from my foot.

“Yes, dear!”
“Mom! I stepped on one of your toothpicks…AGAIN!”
‘Te-hee, te-hee!”
“Yeah, right! Really funny!”

Unfortunately, no one was laughing at three o’clock in the morning.
“Jaynee, what’s wrong sweetie?”
“My foot—it’s throbbing! It feels hot – and it hurts when it touches the covers, an—“
“Jaynee, sweetie. I’m not taking you to the Emergency Room. It costs $500 to walk in the door (hey, it was 1976) --just—“
“I don’t want to go to the Emergency Room!! I just want to go to sleep”
“Jaynee, sweetie – I’ll take you to the doctor first thing in the morning. I promise. Just try to rest.”

Of course, Satan would not let me rest. Whenever my foot came into contact with anything, pain would shoot up my leg, sending me into convulsions, which inevitably would cause my foot to touch something else – which kept Satan entertained and me in tears all night.

True to her word (as my Mother still is), she called the Doctor first thing, and I soon found myself waiting in the room for the doctor.
But I didn’t get the Doctor…..I got Espy, Satan’s protégé.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked Espy.
“Well, I stepped on a toothpick yesterday, and it still—“
“You’ve got a sliver!?!?”
“Well, I don’t know….I thought I got it out. Maybe it hit someth—“
“You’ve got a sliver?” Espy sneered, “and your Mommy couldn’t get it out?”
“I don’t know! All I know is that it hur—“
“Here,” Espy snarled, “let me take a look at the poor baby’s foot.”
And with that, she grabbed my throbbing foot, and started prodding and poking. ‘Hmmm, it does look like there’s someth—“ As I increased my death grip on the bed and my mother’s arm, Espy grabbed a pair of needlenose pliers
--okay, okay, it was a pair of hemostats – but it felt like pliers
--and began to dig in the hole in the bottom of my foot.
--my throbbing foot.
“Yes! There is something – I’ve almost—“ As Espy dug deeper, twisting the pliers (yeah – pliers!), I could see her horns curling, her tail lashing,. My mother insists that she saw none of that – but I’m sure I did
“Yes! I’ve got it!”
And with a triumphant yell, Espy pulls the pliers from my foot. The blood drains from my head. Her horns and tail disappear, and I see Satan vacate her body, leaving only a very apologetic Espy-the-nurse….holding ½ of a bloody toothpick. A very bloody toothpick.
“Oh sweetie,” Espy murmurs, “I’m so sorry. I should have given you something for the pain!”
Yeah, you should have. Bitch.

But, it has given me and my family another great line:
I’m not taking you to the Emergency Room – it costs $_________ to walk in the door...

Monday, June 19, 2006

Six Degrees of Weirdness

I was tagged by Lelly-across-the-pond to write "Six weird facts/habits about yourself".
The Rules:-- Post six weird facts/habits about yourself. These cannot be used against you later on! At the end of the post name the six people you will tag next. Leave them a comment to let them know they've been tagged and to read your blog. And away we go...

1. Okay – this one most of you are already familiar with: I don’t like my food to touch each other. (Hey, if I’m not intermingling, why should my food?). If the gravy touches the veggies, I don’t eat those veggies. Meat juice on the cranberries mean contaminated cranberries! I wish they made fine china dinnerware with divided compartments
2. I hate styrofoam! I can’t drink from it, ‘cause it makes a funny noise, and it feels so strange. If I get something that is packed in styrofoam, it almost kills me to unpack it, ‘cause I know that it’s gonna make that awful squeaky sound as I pull it out of the box. Geez, just thinking about it makes my shoulders tense, and the hair on my arms stand up.
3. Endcaps of the bread loaf. Know what I’m talking about? That crust piece on each end of the loaf – I don’t eat it. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Worst than the crust, (which I have learned to eat). But do I throw the endcap away? Nope. I use it as a lid for the rest of the bread. In my mind, I think it’s keeping the rest of the bread fresh….or that I’m not wasting it by throwing it out. BUT I’M NOT GOING TO EAT IT – SO!?!?!?!?!?!?
4. All drawers and doors (closet, cupboard, etc.) MUST be closed PRIOR to me going to bed. Actually -- they've just gotta be closed. Why?!?!? Because the Lady with the Flashlight Eyes! Yeah, right -- read it again if you think it's just a nightmare. Maybe she'll come to YOUR house....
5. If I have left-over food, I have to eat it within 2 days. Otherwise I think that cooties have invaded and attacked it. And if more than 5 days have passed, I will usually throw the container away. I don’t want to open it. I don’t want to smell it. This is why:
a. I don’t have a lot of nice containers
b. Most of the containers I have are made by “Ziplock” – so I don’t feel guilty about tossing them.
6. First off, for those of you not familiar with the current public school system, I want you to travel to “back-in-the-day.” Remember school lunches? Remember those cute little milk cartons? Remember Fridays? When you could choose regular or chocolate milk? Well, now the students can choose regular -- or chocolate -- even strawberry! And not just on Fridays – but EVERY day….. But it doesn’t come in a carton anymore…. Seems those cute little cartons took up too much space in the landfill, blah-blah-blah. Nope, no more cute little boxes that you could save and make into a flower pot or barbie house furniture. No sir-ree. Instead of milk-in-a-carton, please welcome……..milk-in-a-bag. Yup. Milk-in-a-bag. Looks like a boob-implant. Sweartogawd, a boop-implant. And a pink boob-implant is just so wrong….. who to tag? how's 'bout: Lecram, Kien, Kowboi, Glojo, Bees Knees, Lime, and the Virgin.

yes, yes, I know -- it's seven. That's why I don't teach math.....

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Sometimes, you just k-n-o-w....

It used to freak Voldemort out – I would “just know” things: One time I hounded him for a week – I knew there was something—but he wouldn’t fess up. He kept saying it was nothing. And then he came home…..with a $4000 horse. Anoher time: he was working the graveyard shift (as a cop) – I bolted out of bed, ran to the phone and told him to “be careful about the bridge. The white bridge right after you come over a small hill.” “Honey, “ (that was back when there was love…), “Honey, there aren’t any bridges or hills out here! It’s just a bad dream. Go back to sleep….” He said it didn’t dawn on him until the drive home….as he crested a small hill, he quickly slammed on the brakes just as he came over the top of the hill…….and found a little white bridge over a small creek (swollen to a raging river) was washed out.

But that should all be over, right? I shouldn’t be “in tune” anymore, right?

Wrong. I’ve had a feeling over the past few weeks – that something bad was going to happen with Voldemort. I actually was afraid that I was going to run into him somewhere/see him/etc.

But there he was – on the front section of the local paper. “Officer involved shooting/fatality.” Looking at the picture – I knew he was involved. I called our daughter and told her to call her dad, and to call his folks (they don’t talk to him nowadays either).

An hour later, Voldemort called.
Erynn called. Did she see the news?
No. I called her because I saw it in the paper.”
The paper said I was involved?”
No. I just knew.”
You still know things? Like before?”
Yeah. Are you okay?”
He proceeded to give me details – that I really can’t share. I could tell he was still shaken, so I let him talk. But I spent the afternoon freaking because I knew. I don’t want that bond with him. I don’t want to feel connected to him. . I’m glad he’s okay. Even though I’m glad he’s not in my life, I guess I really ain’t ready for him to not be alive.

So, my Rogues -- bear/bare with me. I'm a bit wobbly.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

--this is all JADE'S fault.....

You Are Miss Piggy
A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!
The Muppet Personality Test

okay - so there really isn't anything wrong with wanting to be worshipped, right? I mean, why SHOULD I settle!!?!?!? Get out of my way, minions!!!

You Are Storm

Exotic and powerful, Storm descended from a line of African priestesses.
Emotions can effect your powers, but you are generally serene.

Powers: controlling weather, creating winds that lift you into flight, generating lightning

But since both those names are already taken.....and SAG insists that only ONE person can have a PARTICULAR NAME..... I will be known as:

Your Elf Name Is...

Candy Sugar Butt
What's Your Elf Name?

But my close friends can call guessed it.... sweet cheeks!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Ten Little Letters....

I got this idea over at addict's place. Actually, Lecram told me about it, and thought it was right up my alley.

List ten things you want to say to ten people you know but you never will, for whatever reason…Don’t say who they are.Use each person only once:

1. You are my bright star – my quasar. I am so afraid that you will burn yourself out, or shoot across the sky in one final blaze of glory, and leave me (and the world) before your time. I am in awe of your talent, beauty, humor and grace. I love you, and will continue to do anything for you.

2. How active is your role in my day-to-day life? Why am I expected to give you credit for the good, but you have no responsibility for the bad? Is my Will really free?

3. I remember the first time I saw you: I think I was attracted to the attraction around you. Kind of like moths are drawn to a flame – they know on some level that it’s going to be the end of them, but they can’t help it; they’ve gotta “go to the light.” I knew that it was no good, and that I’d end up fried – but I stayed, basking in the light. And yes, I did get burned... But I’ve also rediscovered that I’m a pretty damn bright light myself. But not the burney/singey kind.

4. I wish I was attracted to you, because we share so much in common. But I’m not, so this is all the “this," that this will ever be.

5. Losing you hurt almost as bad as losing him. You were such an integral part of my life for 20 years, and to have that change in the span of one phone call was devastating. There are days when I find myself almost picking up the phone and calling you, but I don’t know if I’m ready (or if I’ll ever be ready) to have you in my life. But I am sorry that he doesn’t call you anymore. And I want you to know that I forgive you.

6. You know, he doesn’t deserve you, but I’m so glad he has you. He has blossomed into a wonderful, confident man, and that is due (largely) to you. I’m glad that I’ve had the opportunity over the past two years to get to know you.

7. I am sorry. I will shout it from whatever mountain top you desire. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sorry you got hurt. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve started to call to tell you something funny – and then stopped. Because I’m afraid you won’t answer the phone. Because I’m afraid you’ll say something mean. Because I’m afraid. Please can we move forward from this point? I miss you.

8. Please do not look back and focus on all the wouldacouldashoulda’s. You have had the biggest influence on my life. I am bullet-proof because you told me I was bullet-proof. I can succeed at anything because you believed I could. You are an amazing person.

9. When he left you, you never thought you’d be alone this long. He always said that you wouldn’t stay alone or lonely for long. So why are you still alone? Why are you still lonely? What is it that you are doing, or not doing? It’s time to shit or get off the pot. Now.

10. Am I attracted to the ripples on your surface, or the danger below? I want to swim the pools in your eyes, but I fear the sharks that may reside. There’s a crowd behind me that’s screaming “Dive, dive, dive!” I even hear that voice in my head encouraging me to try. But it is so-o-o-o- safe on the side of the pond. Perhaps if you take my hand…..