Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Coming Out of the Closet!

What kind of learner are you? Some people are auditory learners – they have to hear it. Some are kinesthetic learners – gotta move. Me? I tend to be a visual learner – I gotta see it. And, being as I’m a visual kinda gal, I tend to think that other people are visual learners also. So sometimes, when someone isn’t getting what I’m saying – well I gotta show ‘em….I gotta give ‘em a visual lesson.

Hmmm, I can hear you saying, “What kind of visual lesson, APj?

Not that kind of visual, you dirtyminded Rogues. Hmmm, let me think……Okay! Got it!


What the hell happened in the bedroom!?!?!?!?” I screamed down the hall to Mike, aka Voldemort.

Huh?” came the answer from the living room couch. Well, not actually from the couch; more from the lump-of-possibly-human-flesh on said couch. I say “possibly” because there was this new hunk of metal that appeared permanently melded to his hand, pointing towards the TV, and I didn’t remember my husband as having anything firm, hard, metal or hunky in his hand…..for a loooonnnng time.

What happened in the bedroom!?!?!?” I repeated, “It looks like a bomb exploded on my side of the closet – blowing all my clothes out!

Oh, quit having a cow! I got satellite TV, and they had to get into the attic to hook it up. Look at all these channels we can ge….” and the voice trailed off as his eyes glazed over. I started to ask again, but could tell that he was captured in the thrail of her web.

But meanwhile, back at the ranch – or actually, back in my bombed bedroom: every stitch of clothing I owned was crumpled in a heap on the floor. In his hurry to bond with his new lover, Sad E. Lite, Voldemort had hurriedly removed my clothes for easy access, and discarded them on the floor.
Honey! Aren’t you gonna help me put this back? I mean, come on! I’ve been working all da—“

Jesus H. Christ, Jayne! It’s no big f-ing deal! Quitcherbitchin!

No big deal?” I thought to myself, “my clothes are all over the floor, he’s making luv to Sad E Lite in my living room, and it’s no big deal?” I began to hang up the clothes, and with each hanger, I became…well, a little more enraged. –and logic doesn’t coexist with rage very well…….and, well, something kinda snapped.

No big deal?!?” I muttered aloud. “Humph! I’ll show him no big deal!” I casually strolled to his side of the closet.

I removed his clothing from the closet.
I carefully deposited his clothing in a neat, NOT crumpled pile, NOT heap, on the floor.
And I calmly crawled into bed, and went to sleep.

Of course, two hours later, when Voldemort and Sad E Lite were finished making love, Voldemort came to bed.
And discovered his clothing on the floor.
And went ballistic.

What the fuck? Jayne, what the fuck!?!? You’re fucking nuts! What the hell—“

Oh, come on honey,” I responded, sleepily, yet slyly, “ Quitcherbitchin! It’s really no big f-ing deal, right?”

Friday, September 23, 2005

Toot Toot! Awwww, beep beep!

You Are a Bad Girl

You are 30% Good and 70% Bad
You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes.
But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"!

Bad Girl, Sad Girl, such a dirty bad girl.BeepBeep!

Okay, this is obviously a mistake......just because of some poor choices DECADES AGO, I'm forever labeled a "bad girl?" Geez! I don't even have a tattoo.....
Okay, this is all Lelly's fault! she said she was Mango scent - and made me go to a site with quizes. Which is always bad for people like me.
People like me?

Hello, my name is APj, and I am a quizaholic.
Hello APj.

Yes, I have been a quizaholic ever since I discovered the Internet. I have discovered my Anime name, my Disney character, and even my bodacious ta-ta's names (Tweedledee and Tweedledum). And now this....

However, some other things I learned from these quizes were that

1. My 80's heartthrob is Scott Baio. Yes, I'll admit it. I, along with Joanie, really did luv Chachi.

2. My "retro girl" identity is 1980's goth girl. Okay, this one is sooooo no. 1980 goth girl was my daughter in the 1990's.

3. My life as a John Cusack movie would be "Say Anything."

Duh! No-shit-sherlock! Any guy willing to stand outside my bedroom window in the rain with a boombox --hey, you had me at, "In Your Eyes...."

4.My scent is Lemon. Which, according to this site, means I'm vivacious, tangy and lively. And one gigantic ball of energy.

liking the whole vivacious thing. tangy's okay too. but come on! do we gotta say "gigantic?"

5. and finally, my "love quote." which, I must say, is a doozy:

"Good kissers are strong men who will have your back. Bad kissers are weak men who will just like to grab your butt."

Okay, my back or my butt -- I thought kisses were on the face?

Boy....a lot has changed since I last dated....

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

--Just a friendly game of tag....

10 years ago.
“Yes, Mummy.”
“Erynn? Do you think you can tell if Mummy stops breathing?”
Yup! Here we go again, with another one of “those” stories: APj in dire straits (future, not the band) and facing possible death. I had not been feeling well: Fever, racing pulse, elevated blood pressure, dizzy. After a few days, I had gone to the doctor, who had run some blood tests. He said I had Graves Disease – a thyroid problem. He told me it could be serious – that I had to get treatment for it – but that he couldn’t do a thing about it for two weeks. I figured, “Bloody hell! Two weeks!?!? Must not be that serious…” And yet, two days and one evening later, there I sat on the couch, asking my then-9-year-old daughter if she would be able to tell if I was dead….
Realizing that I wasn’t being fair to Erynn, and was in fact scaring the shit out of her, I called a neighbor to take me to the Emergency Room. As I was wheeled into the Emergency Room, I flashed
--not that kind of flash, dirty Rogues!
--I flashed my test results. My resting pulse was 140 beats per minute. My blood pressure was 190/110. The doctor said I was lucky that I didn’t have a stroke or heart attack.
Eighteen months of grueling quasi-holistic treatment followed. One of the most unpleasant side effects was a 30 pound weight gain in 45 days. But, on the pleasant side, I now have a fully functional thyroid. No medication or surgery necessary, although my thyroid now operates at a snail’s pace – making weight issues a constant battle.

5 years ago
Easy one! The millennium! I had been working as an assistant Controller for the same company for 17 years, but I had always said, “Someday, I’m going back to school to be a teacher.” Unfortunately, my someday had kept getting delayed – for one reason or the other. But this was the year I turned 40 (Oh lordy, do the math!!!) “Jayne,” I told my self sternly, “This is it. You either go back and get your teaching credential, or you just shut up about the teaching thing!”
Most of you have figured out that -- I JUST CAN’T SHUT UP!!!!!!
So – I went back to school! I received my bachelor’s degree in Business Management (yeah, I know – doesn’t fit with the personality, eh?) and then started the credential program. It took 2 ½ years to do it all – but I did. And yes, I’m very proud of myself, thank you very much.

1 year ago
Okay, I’m gonna tell this story – but ya’ gotta promise to keep it quiet: Ya’ see, I kinda tricked “the boys” down south into throwing me a birthday party…..Remember, I have told you before, I AM very shallow…..
The “whole gang” had got together down south to go see some friend in their show called
She-Haw. Fantastic show, fantastic time, and fanfrickintastic friends. I was bemoaning to Superman Steve the fact that we hardly ever all got together, especially “the boys” – Drew and Ryan.
Side note – Drew and Ryan are very successful businessmen in “the industry” down south, but they have become quite reclusive. Drew just doesn’t like to go out in public anymore.
So Steve and I decided that I would call Ryan and tell him that we wanted to all get together for my birthday and to pick a restaurant that Drew would go to. Of course, Steve and I knew that Drew wouldn’t go, but that maybe, just maybe, Ryan would decide that everyone could come to their place for a drink. Which is what happened. Only Drew elevated “drink event” to “a grand soiree!” Little, and not so little, waiters carrying yummy scrumdillyiscious things to eat. Hot and even hotter cocktail (heh-heh, I said, “cock”)waiters filling glasses with champagne and other alcoholic pleasures. Music in the background. Absolutely the best birthday I’ve had…..to date.
And yes, I do feel guilty about tricking them…..but only a little. SHHHHHH, remember: don’t tell!

Kicked my first student out of class today – after he threatened to kick some kid’s ass, and mine too. I told him that I was the last person he wanted to tango with, and sent him marching. His parting remark was, “Well, I wouldn’t want to dance with you anyway.”

That’s just fine Josh—I wouldn’t wanna dance with you either – your sagging pants look like baby diapers.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could’ve said that to him!?!?!?!?

5 songs I know (almost!) all the words to 1)Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Judy Garland. My favorite movie of all time. The song still can make me cry. Many days, I want to fly over the rainbow – ‘cause if birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can’t I?
2) Friday I’m in Love by The Cure. I’ve loved this song since it came out. What’s even more hysterical is that my 20 year old daughter stole my Cure CD and love’s them too.
3) Moonshadow by Cat Stevens. Okay, I discovered this song somewhere around early sr high school. I sang this song while I was pregnant and when I delivered Erynn. It also was Erynn’s lullaby. 4) At Seventeen by Janis Ian. This was MY song in high school! 5) Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf. “Ain’t no doubt about it we were doubly blessed. Cause we were barely seventeen and we were barely —we’re gonna go all the way tonight, we’re gonna go all the way tonight, tonight! Stop right there!!!
Need I say more?

5 snacks 1) chocolate 2) Jelly beans 3) something else chocolate 4) chips and salsa, and finally, of course 5)something chocolate.

5 things I do with $100,000,000 1) Setup a college scholarship for normal average people that never qualify for grants, loans, or scholarships of other kinds. 2) Get the fat sucked out of my fat spots, cause dammit I am shallow, so I want to look more shallow!!! 3) Buy a cruise around the world (or something) and take all my friends, and Brad Pitt, on the trip of their/his lifetime. 4) Buy a lifetime supply of airline “fly anywhere” tickets so I could fly to see family and friends anytime I wanted, without having to worry about the money! Finally, I think 5) I’d buy the world a coke, ‘cause it’s the real thing.

5 places I’d run away to 1) Anywhere my Mom is, because even though we run away from home in our youth, it’s where we run to as adults. 2) Fiji, because I’ve been there once, and found it really relaxing and fun. 3) Australia, because I’ve always wanted to go there, and maybe do one of those Outback Adventures. 4) Italy – hey! I saw that movie with Diane Lane – I want a villa, dammit! And 5) England – cause they know how to celebrate my birthday right proper, they do!

5 things I’d never wear: 1) plaid pants. I don’t care how “in vogue” they may become, they look like bad golfer pants. 2) Cowboy boots – nope! And hey, I’ve got horses, and I ride (horses, you dirty boys, horses!), but them boots make my feet look 10 miles long. And they make me walk funny. 3) “Teacher themed clothes” You know, those cute clothes with apples, busses, pencils, etc? Nope, nope, nope. Daughter has orders to shoot to kill if she spots me in inappropriate garb. 4) Red lipstick. Wrong shade for me. 5) Blue eyeshadow. Although, I do remember that electric blue eyeshadow from junior high with much fondness…..

5 favorite TV shows: Okay, but this may switch, depending upon my mood. 1) Alias 2) Lost 3) House 4) Medium 5) NCIS possible replacements include: Prisonbreak, Reunion, Survivor, Amazing Race

5 greatest joys 1) my daughter Erynn has grown into a fantastic young women 2) graduating 2nd in my class in college at the ripe age of 42. 3) my family that always loves and supports me. And they think I can do anything! 4) I have my dream job! 5) my friends seem to accept and luv me, even though I am quite shallow.

5 toys 1) Scrabble 2) my computer 3) my riding lawnmower 4) my razor sharp wit 5) My imagination

5 people I’m tagging Okay, this is so not fair – only because I don’t know all the folks that everyone else seems to, and the people I do know have been tagged or are tagging people I was going to tag (thanks kien). Hmmm, can I pretend to tag Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp? Okay, two down, three to go. Aha! Rules Schmules! I'll just tag 'em anyway!! Okay, that leaves Jade ed, Star Sadie and Vert. Tag! You are so it!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Letting Baby Sis Rant

I wouldn't normally do this, and she doesn't know it (yet), but I'm posting an email and letter I got from lil sis, JoJo. A Good Rant:

From Jojo:

This is a very interesting article. I hope you get some back ground info onBush's environmental incompetence, not to mention his lack of compassion forpeople in poverty. The politicians have all but written off the poor, theyhave given lip service to being "compassionate conservatives" and stillmanaged to pass tax cuts to the rich and big businesses. Everyone needs towake up and smell the coffee, neo-conservatives need to be voted out in thenext elections. Elect people that have the common sense and the back bone tohelp all the people of the U.S., by standing up to big bussiness and therich.All levels of our government have failed and in the after-math of Katrina weshould all be more active in our political process. The lack of clearleadership after the hurricane and the lack of funding from the Feds toFEMA, the Corps of Engineers and to the States before the hurricane havecaused this disater before it even happened. Look at the 'timeline' it showsthat people were not thinking of the worst case senerio that just happenedto happen on the Bush admin's watch and catching them with their pants down.Jojo>

"No One Can Say they Didn't See it Coming"
By Sidney Blumenthal
In 2001, FEMA warned that a hurricane striking New Orleans was one of the three most likely disasters in the U.S. But the Bush administration cut New Orleans flood control funding by 44 percent to pay for the Iraq war.

Biblical in its uncontrolled rage and scope, Hurricane Katrina has left millions of Americans to scavenge for food and shelter and hundreds to thousands reportedly dead. With its main levee broken, the evacuated city of New Orleans has become part of the Gulf of Mexico. But the damage wrought by the hurricane may not entirely be the result of an act of nature.

A year ago the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers proposed to study how New Orleans could be protected from a catastrophic hurricane, but the Bush administration ordered that the research not be undertaken. After a flood killed six people in 1995, Congress created the Southeast Louisiana Urban Flood Control Project, in which the Corps of Engineers strengthened and renovated levees and pumping stations. In early 2001, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a report stating that a hurricane striking New Orleans was one of the three most likely disasters in the U.S., including a terrorist attack on New York City. But by 2003 the federal funding for the flood control project essentially dried up as it was drained into the Iraq war. In 2004, the Bush administration cut funding requested by the New Orleans district of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers for holding back the waters of Lake Pontchartrain by more than 80 percent. Additional cuts at the beginning of this year (for a total reduction in funding of 44.2 percent since 2001) forced the New Orleans district of the Corps to impose a hiring freeze. The Senate had debated adding funds for fixing New Orleans' levees, but it was too late.

The New Orleans Times-Picayune, which before the hurricanepublished a series on the federal funding problem, and whose presses are nowunderwater, reported online: "No one can say they didn't see it coming ... Now in the wake of one of the worst storms ever, serious questions are being asked about the lack of preparation."

The Bush administration's policy of turning over wetlands to developers almost certainly also contributed to the heightened level of the storm surge. In 1990, a federal task force began restoring lost wetlands surrounding New Orleans. Every two miles of wetland between the Crescent City and the Gulf reduces a surge by half a foot. Bush had promised "no net loss" of wetlands, a policy launched by his father's administration and bolstered by President Clinton. But he reversed his approach in 2003, unleashing the developers. The Army Corps of Engineers and the Environmental Protection Agency then announced they could no longer protect wetlands unless they were somehow related to interstate commerce.

In response to this potential crisis, four leading environmental groups conducted a joint expert study, concluding in 2004 that without wetlands protection New Orleans could be devastated by an ordinary, much less a Category 4 or 5, hurricane. "There's no way to describe how mindless a policy that is when it comes to wetlands protection," said one of the report's authors. The chairman of the White House's Council on Environmental Quality dismissed the study as "highly questionable," and boasted, "Everybody loves what we're doing."

"My administration's climate change policy will be science based," President Bush declared in June 2001. But in 2002, when the Environmental Protection Agency submitted a study on global warming to the United Nations reflecting its expert research, Bush derided it as "a report put out by a bureaucracy," and excised the climate change assessment from the agency's annual report. The next year, when the EPA issued its first comprehensive "Report on the Environment," stating, "Climate change has global consequences for human health and the environment," the White House simply demanded removal of the line and all similar conclusions. At the G-8 meeting in Scotland this year, Bush successfully stymied any common action on global warming. Scientists, meanwhile, have continued to accumulate impressive data on the rising temperature of the oceans, which has produced more severe hurricanes.

In February 2004, 60 of the nation's leading scientists, including20 Nobel laureates, warned in a statement, "Restoring Scientific Integrity in Policymaking": "Successful application of science has played a large part in the policies that have made the United States of America the world's most powerful nation and its citizens increasingly prosperous and healthy... Indeed, this principle has long been adhered to by presidents and administrations of both parties in forming and implementing policies. The administration of George W. Bush has, however, disregarded this principle... The distortion of scientific knowledge for partisan political ends must cease." Bush completely ignored this statement.

In the two weeks preceding the storm in the Gulf, the trumping of science by ideology and expertise by special interests accelerated. The Federal Drug Administration announced that it was postponing sale of the morning-after contraceptive pill, despite overwhelming scientific evidence of its safety and its approval by the FDA's scientific advisory board. The United Nations special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa accused the Bush administration of responsibility for a condom shortage in Uganda -- the result of the administration's evangelical Christian agenda of "abstinence." When the chief of the Bureau of Justice Statistics in the Justice Department was ordered by the White House to delete its study that African-Americans and other minorities are subject to racial profiling in police traffic stops and he refused to buckle under, he was forced out of his job. When the Army Corps of Engineers' chief contracting oversight analyst objected to a $7 billion no-bid contract awarded for work in Iraq to Halliburton (the firm at which Vice President Cheney was formerly CEO), she was demoted despite her superior professional ratings. At the National Park Service, a former Cheney aide, a political appointee lacking professional background, drew up a plan to overturn past environmental practices and prohibit any mention of evolution while allowing sale of religious materials through the Park Service.

On the day the levees burst in New Orleans, Bush delivered a speech in Colorado comparing the Iraq war to World War II and himself to Franklin D. Roosevelt: "And he knew that the best way to bring peace and stability to the region was by bringing freedom to Japan." Bush had boarded his very own "Streetcar Named Desire."

Sidney Blumenthal, a former assistant and senior advisor to President Clinton and the author of "The Clinton Wars," is writing a column for Salon and the Guardian of London.

Hmmmmm.....Hey SSM! Maybe you should meet my lil sis.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Are You Down with O.P.P.?????

A recent post on Lelly 's site showed what could possibly be one of my worst nightmare’s come true –
--no, not the one where I actually get the chance to meet Brad Pitt in person and as soon as I shake his hand all my teeth fall out

--I mean my potty nightmares.

Ah yes, I can see you scratching your head, “Potty nightmares? APj has nightmares about toilets?”

No, not about toilets….more about the lack of them.

You see, I have potty issues, primarily:
1. Have trouble going on OPP. No, you nasty Rogue’s, not “that” OPP, for me it means Other People’s Potty’s.
2. Can’t do certain potty things on toilet other than my own.

This of course, has worked its way into my subconscious mind, and into my dream world. I don’t want to tell you how many dream interpretation books I’ve bought trying to figure this potty thing out. Perhaps one of you can help. Here’s some of my

Prevalent Potty Predicaments:

Dream #1
I am cleaning my house. I decided to make it a very thorough cleaning, and I’m taking everything out of the closet.
“Heyyyy….I don’t remember this door here….what the fu--?”
I open this forgotten door in the back of my closet, to find a forgotten bathroom. It is amazing! It has a separate dressing area, a vanity, toilet, sink, tub and separate shower. It is a beautiful room – but it is covered in mold, dirt, and scum because of non-use. I get the cleanser and start scrubbing, but when I turn on the faucet, brown water and spiders come out. But I’m determined to reclaim this room. “How could I have forgotten a room as lovely as this?”

Dream #2
I am refinishing my bathroom. It is a wonderful bathroom, with a flush toilet, sunken tub and roman sink. There are trees planted around the tub, and birds perch above and sing. Of course, it will now be perfect, since I am building four foot fence across the front, so that no one will be able to see me when I sit down for a pee. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you: the bathroom is located in the breezeway next to my house.

Dream #3
I have to pee. I have to pee so bad, but there is no toilet in my house. “I know!” I think to myself, “I’ll go over to _______________ (insert Linda, Edwina, Steve, Donna, Mom, Cindy, BeeBop-a-Loo-Loo) ‘s house and use their Loo.”
On the way to ___________________(insert name from above) ‘s house, I am delayed by looting robbers, crying children, flying aliens (that one was very interesting), Brad Pitt (that one would have been very enjoyable, but please remember, I had to pee), or just plain faulty memory: “where was I going?” “Hmmm, there was somewhere I was heading that was important….damn, I gotta pee….Oh yeah! That’s where I was going!”
I finally arrive at _______________________(okay, you should get this by now: insert name, yada-yada…) ‘s house, only to find a line for the toilet – or a cue for the Loo. So I wait….and I wait. “Finally!” I sigh, after waiting for minutes/hours/days (hey, depends on the dream). I step into the bathroom, to find
1. The door won’t close
2. There is no door
3. There is a man standing in the bathtub watching me (that one was very strange)
4. The person that used the Loo before me has taken the toilet.


Okay, so there you have it: APj has potty issues. Please keep this in mind when I come to visit……