Monday, December 31, 2007

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Peeling the Onion that is APj

I saw this one floating around Myspace, so I thought I'd try it:
11 Layers of Me

Layer One: On the Outside
Name: Airplane Jayne.
Birthday: November 5 – Guy Fawkes Day
Current Location: My rancho. And the corners of my mind
Eye Color: blue or green, depending on clothing and mood. And my best feature, I might add.
Hair Color: strawberry blonde.
Righty or Lefty: lefty.
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio, and, according to the Chinese Horoscope, a Rat. A Rat looking for a Pig.

Layer Two: Just Below the Surface
Your Weakness: smiling men, a quick wit, a nicely shaped butt
Goal: to land the man of my weakness
Your Fears: that he doesn’t exist

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: darn, it was just a dream
Your bedtime: whenevah
Your most missed memory: snuggling and laughing – at the same time.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Well, I’ll go with Pepsi, ‘cause coke is illegal…
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds Happy Meal. Lunch and a toy. Life is good.
Single or Group dates: group date!?!?!? Omigawd and WTF!?!? is that just a euphemism for “orgy?” Thanks, but no thanks - I think I’m too old for that, so I’ll take the single date, Alex for $200. Because yes, my love is in Jeopardy…baby.

Adidas or Nike: whichever is on sale. But if I have one pair of Adidas, and I buy another pair, does that mean I have Adidi (pronounced a-dee-DIE)? -just wondering….
Lipton Tea or Nestea: I like Lipton. Wasn’t Peggy Lipton just super cool on the Mod Squad?

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla latte or perfume. Chocolate everything else….
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino – cause it’s all about the foam… ::shiver::

Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke: nope. Quit that nasty habit 15 years ago.
Have a crush: yup. He’s name is….oh wait, there’s also – and --. Hmmm, yup, you’re right: I’m fickle….and shallow, remember?

Think you've been in love: think? Often. Actual? Not so often.
Want to get married: toughie. I know I don’t want to be alone, but don’t know if “married” is necessary.

Believe in yourself: aw, luv, that depends on which facet of me. I am so fricking cocksure confident in matters of my art….and wimpified woosie in matters of the heart.

Think you're a health freak: well, I’m picky about food and its origins…..and I don’t like my food touching….so….I guess that makes me a bit of a freak.

Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: not much since “Drunk Jayne” made her BBQ appearance in May.
Gone to the mall: yup. Although…I’d love to go to the store instead of the mall. ::shiver::
Eaten Sushi: oh….is that what we’re calling it nowadays?
Gone skating: On skates – no. On thin ice-yes.
Dyed your hair: only the hair on my head. You got a problem with that?

Layer Seven: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: APj vs. 7 buff Skydiving Ironworkers. I won. They still made me take my top off, but I won.
Gotten beaten up: nope. Again, I won.
Changed who you were to fit in: started to, but changed my mind instead.

Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age you’re hoping to be married: 1st time I was 25.
Plastic Surgery or Wrap: Not crazy about going under a knife. So I’ll take the wrap.
Buried or Cremated: Cremated, for sure. I don’t want to be the skeleton hanging in the classroom of the future.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate

Best Eye Color: A color I can swim in. (note, two of my crushes have eyes I could swim in….)
Best Hair Color: A color I can smell (musky, like a forest floor)
Short or Long Hair: A length I can pull (just a little tug, mind you…)

Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 HOUR AGO: watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” ::sigh:: anybody wanna play Villa with me?
1 WEEK AGO: hoping for a man to come down my chimney. ::shiver::
1 MONTH AGO: Basking. Just basking. Nonofurbusiness!
1 YEAR AGO: making my Resolution List

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE: that I am a survivor.
I HATE: that my current life is not enough.
I HIDE: my fear
I MISS: his smell
I NEED: a want to be the same as a need.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Merry Christmas...or...Why I Just Love Facebook!

I am thoroughly exhausted from Christmas. "What did you do?" you inquire.
What - and Who - DIDN'T I do is more like it....
Let me share my Fabulous day....

::ding dong!::
"Who could possibly be at the door?" I panicked, "it's Christmas morning, for crying out loud!"
I stumbled to the door, wearing my lovely new outfit from Joy, and these bitching boots from Nic.
"Who is it?" I ask.
"Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas."
"Ya know, the last guy who called me a ho is buried out back," I retort, "so WHO are YOU!?!?"
"Well, I'll give you a hint. You once said something about licking butter off my--"
I quickly throw the door open, and yes....this is what Solitaire sent me to start my day:
Yes....I was a ho.....two or three times.
He left in a hurry after a call from Angelina, but promised to return. Soon.

"This is the best Christmas ever!" I effused, "how could this day get any better?"
::ding dong::
"Hello? Is this Airplane Jayne's house?"
"Yes, who are you?"
"Well, your sister JoJo thought you might like to play pirates with-"
"Holy shit!" I screamed, racing to open the door, "Orlando Bloom!?!?!? For reals!?!?!?"
Yes, it was Legolas/Will Turner.
"I met a friend of yours while I was in England," he said, "she sent these and asked if you would please stay away from her man Dan."

"To hell with my 'over thirty' rule," I thought to myself.

"Come here, little boy," I cooed, as I dragged that child down the hall.

Four hours and trips to the store later..I was recharging my batteries so to speak, eating these, sent by Dan when-

::ding dong::
"Hello?" I called, "who is it?"
"I'm back, " purred a now-familiar voice, "with the butter."
"Holy shit!" I raced to the door, "how is this possible?"

"Well," he smiled as he eyed my current ensemble, sent by a secret admirer, "your friend Nic didn't want to send Johnny, so I've come."
"No complaints," I gushed, grabbing the stick -- uh...of butter. "No complaints at all"

I just love Facebook. Leave me to my addiction. I will die with a smile on my face.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Finding the "J" Spot...

I’ve stolen this from my friend, Meg.

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.
They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS) You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

What is your name:
Jayne. I was named for both my mom - Janet, which means little Jane, and my dad – Jay. And yes, when I was little, they called me Jay-nee. Some still do. And some have fondly (I think) taken to doing so now.

2. 4 letter word:
jour (hey, I think that’s French for “Day” which is my last name….)

Jeep. Which I would look so cute in – especially a fire-engine-red one.

4. A city
We could start with Janesville, Wisconsin, ‘cept they spelled it wrong, so that won’t do. We could try Juneau, Alaska, but I’m not in the mood for cold. But hey! There’s a place called “Jundah” in Australia. Crikey! I’m there!

5. Boy Name
Justin. Oh, I met one and he was hot, hot, hot. hmmm…..sorry, give me a moment, I’ve gone to the store.

6. Girl Name:
Jaelynn (I actually considered this for Erynn, but Voldemort didn’t like it)

7. Alcoholic drink:
Jack Rabbit! Oops, that’s the name of something else….Okay, how about Jello shooters? Probably not a good idea: we’ll end up with “Drunk Jayne” again…..Okay, we’ll settle for a James Fog…

8. Occupation
Jello-taster? Is that a job? Possibly a lot of licking? And slurping? Aw hell, I’ve gone to the store again.

9. Something you wear
jockstrap – oops, ‘cept I don’t wear one….okay, let's go with Jodhpurs

10. Celebrity
Jack Sparrow!
Johnny Depp!
Yup….at the store, again….

11. Food

12. Something found in a bathroom
jack-- oops. Let's go with junk. just....junk....

13. Reason for Being Late
just because

14. Cartoon Character
Josey and the Pussycats! Long tails, and ears for hats.

15. Something you shout
Just wait til I catch you, fothermucker


17. Movie
Jaws. Messed me up for years.

18. Word to describe you
Juxtaposedly jaded, yet jubilant

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Another (Late) 55.....and ANOTHER Conversation with God

Hello? Can I help you?
I have family court papers for you.
Oh, you must have the wrong address.
Are you Jayne Day Richardson?
Yes, yes, I am…
Nope! I’ve got the right house. Here you go…..ahhh, Merry Christmas.

::ring, ring::

Michael, what have you done?
Jayne, I'm just not happy anymore.

Hey God?

Yes, Jaynee.

God, even though I am in a much better place, and all is well in my life, this is always a difficult day. Please hold my hand today.

Missy, I've got you. sound like my Dad when you call me Missy.

I know....

Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday 55 - A Seasonal 55

An unmarried woman, heavy with child

An ungodly King, widely reviled.

Stable-bound, but heavenly birthed

Salvation’s Savior arrived on Earth.

Ignored by locals; revered by the wise

Who came bearing gifts, awe in their eyes.

So in the midst of the hustle of this joyful season,

Take a moment to honor, and remember the reason.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Game of Tag!

Crazy Eights Tag

I was tagged by Smarmoofus to play a game of Crazy Eights. Nope -- not the card game.


I was always good at that one.... but here we go:

8 Things I’m passionate about

8. Pedicures. Seriously – play with my feet and I’m yours.

7. Finding love

6. My job. Wait, it’s not a job – it’s a passion.

5. laughter

4. Honesty

3. Friends

2. God

1. My food not touching.

Yes. I am more passionate about my food not touching than I am about anything else – even God. He’s just gotta understand that the gravy can’t touch the veggies….eww….I’m grossed out just thinking about it.

8 Things I want to do before I die

8. Christmas Eve in Disneyland

7. New Years Eve in Times Square

6. Go to Australia

5. Travel to Europe

4. Be the Disney Teacher of the Year

3. Be someone’s one true love

2. Fall in love

1. Have sex (again)

Hmmm… ya’ know, I’m SURE I could put some of these things together and kill two birds with one 2x4…

8 Things I often say
8. Write my show!

7. Why should I have to make the first move

6. But I didn’t know he was interested

5. -Because he's not over 30! That's why!

4. Come here, little boy

3. Because it really is all about me.

2. No (although I am working on this one)

1. I love you too, Erynn

Some of you may disagree with the order I’ve assigned. F@$K you.

8 Books I’ve recently or currently reading

The Golden Compass, by Philip Pullman

Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer

New Moon, by Stephanie Meyer

Eclipse, by Stephanie Meyer

Pretty Little Mistakes, by Heather Mcelhatton

Tolkien and Lewis: The Gift of Friendship by Colin Duriez

Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince, by J. K. Rowling (yes, I am an entire book behind…)

Fluke, by Christopher Moore

(please remember that I’m a middle school teacher…I try to read many of the books that my students do)

8 Songs I could listen to over and over

8. Crazy Bitch, by Buckcherry
Hey! You’re crazy, bitch. But you f@#K so good I’m on top of it….

7. Carolina in my Mind, by James Taylor
Hey baby, the skies on fire….

6. Hallelujah, by k.d. lang
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya…

5. Can’t Get Next to You, by the Temptations
I can live forever, if I so desire…

4. Friday, I’m in Love, by The Cure
Thursday, never looking back, it’s Friday; I’m in Love!

3. Like I Do, by Melissa Etheridge
You found out to love me, you’ll have to climb some fences..

2. Moonshadow, by Cat Stevens
If I ever lose my eyes, if my colors all run dry….

1. Savior, by kien lim.
Scatter her soul to the wind, the rush of the wind is beckoning.

8 Things that attract me to my best friends

8. Laughter

7. Talent

6. hair

5. Soul

4. Eyes

3. Intelligence

2. Wit

1. Butt

Yes….I do look at my friends’ butts. I can’t help it. But see – then I’m looking at the Wit. Hmmm…how do you look at wit? Where’s that kept!?!?!? (gawd, now all my best friends are going to know what I’m up to!)

8 People I think should do Crazy 8s

Okay....that sounds like some kinky version of Twister. Like Nekkid twister. If you feel like playing, play. Call me if you need a second....

Thursday, December 13, 2007

What My Friends Said in 2007

In years past, I think I've shared my favorite posts. This year, I think I would like to share some of my favorite comments from all my bloggy buddies.

I had a not-so-gentlemanly gentleman caller at the beginning of the year. This led to many offers of help and assistance.....including my favorite groper/stalker, Mintz:

all I can picture now is you as Kelly McGillis in Witness. Disrobing. Just for me. Except you aren't gay. And I'm definitely no Harrison Ford. But I have 2 1/2 bathrooms for your use.

My connotation/denotation lesson on Urge and Desire included one of the shortest responses from the oh-so-long-winded-but-appreciated SGL:

..urge has hair on it.(and will break down the door.) ...desire wears cologne.(and calls for you to open.)

March, of course, found me being Rogued....and Rogued well, I might add. Giving thanks and recognition (where due, of course), brought this challenge(?) from my favorite troubadour of dark pop:

And then what does one do with the lion tamer's pants off......?!
Oh ok, I'll leave that one to you APJ........

And now we break for station-identification....and because I've just got to give myself a timeout and go to the store, do you mind!?!?!?

April showers found me questioning my sexuality -- but happily discovering that yes, we have and like....bananas. My unconfined friend, shared this:
Holy cats! I'm more gay than you!cheezwhiz.I'm 36% gay.It was the masturbation question, wasn't it? I should have answered that differently.... GUILT! OH, the SHAME...

July found me respinning a Princess Erynn tale, after which Lime effused,
you DO tell the best stories!

August saw me sharing the saving of APjayne, prompting this Lecram gem,
Yeah... those voices in the wilderness are the ones that often count the loudest. Wonderful count!

September found me grateful, and this posted:
If "Thank You" was the only prayer one knew, it would be enough.Bestest, Kien

September also found me looking for a hot handyman to...err....nail with. My....mastery of powertools led kfarmer to extoll:
Woman, you ain't scared of nuthing~I adore your sense of adventure and you of course :)

October found me lost in the rapture of tandem shopping... Of course, that dyslexic color-blind foreigner couldn't help himself
I see... said the blind man as he was picking your pocket.

In November, I was waxing on and on about me-me-me-me
So, of course, I got this from my favorite groper (because the restraining order expired)
Awesome, the best, amazing WHOO!I've orgasmed just from your amazing responses.Great Job, Missy!And who should you feel up? Kien Lim. Two by Four first, then go for it.

Marc Jacobs stomped all over December, which led to this from my favorite two-legged horse,
IF...a single article of clothing could completely, and utterly, describe an individual to their very core..these boots are APJ.They have, is some part, inspired a bit I wrote about dear APJ, and have (I have on good authority) rended heart from mind for a few poor souls whom glanced upon said footwear, and the red-headed firebrand stacked inside them.These are not mere boots, but a clear challenge to all testosterone-bearing beings within view..are you up to the task? Well, are you punk??I close with an admonition, specifically to you stalwarts that are now counting the moments until you warned, there are many a fellow about, licking his wounds for failing to come up to the task with our dear APJ..she is precious and deserves much, and if you think yourself up to the task, then harden yourself (stop that APJ..your interupting my literary flow) and step into the ring. We shall judge your worth...
It has been a wonderful year, thanks to all my wonderful bloggy friends. Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Conversations with God

So I thought I would share with you my journal entry from this morning. After reading Psalm 20:1 "May the Lord answer you in distress..."
I dissolved, once again, into a fit of laughter.

For any of this to make sense, we must go back in time.....go back to Sunday A.M.
My script for the annual Christmas Pageant had been missing for two weeks. I had looked everywhere: the house, my classroom, church, my car. All locations had been searched multiple times. I KNEW I needed a "Plan B": rewrite it, choose a different script, or write a completely new one.
--but I did nothing. Stubbornly sticking to my original, but unsuccessful, "Plan A."

"God," I said as I went to bed Saturday night, "I know the script will turn up. Amen"

--however, I set the alarm for 5:30AM....just in case...

I awoke at 5:30 - made the cursory pass through the house to see what God has done, and I hear--
"Go Look in the Car"
"I already looked in there."
"Go look in the-"
"But God! It's cold out ther-"
"Fine, Lord, fine! I'm going!"
So go outside I did. Stomped to the car with an empty laundry basket, and emptied the back seat and the trunk into it! muttering, of course, the entire time.

I huffed back inside and set the basket on the table. As I started down the hall, to search, yet again, an already thrice searched spot, I heard-
"Empty the Basket."
"Oh, come on, God...Seriously, You KNOW I already looked i-"
"Empty the bask-"
"Fine, Lord, fine! I will empty the basket. I will bathe seven times in the river..."
Grudgingly, I started pulling things out of the basket, making piles on the table, and
With a sheepish grin, and a rather loud laugh.....I thanked God. Profusely.

Of course, I then proceeded to bombard and pepper Him:
"Seriously, God, seriously? This is the prayer You answered? Seriously? My pageant script? Geez....You certainly do have a twisted sense of humor.....kinda dark, eh?"

Or....maybe I'm asking all the wrong questions.....Maybe....maybe this was the only RIGHT question I've asked lately.....

"Okay, God - You win (as usual). I will be open to You and Your Will. Right here, right now, today and this week. I trust that, just as you placed that script JUST where and when I needed it to be, that You will place WHO and WHAT I need JUST where they and it need to be.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Just call me Trixie....

Once again...Jayne has stumbled into Blogthings! As usual, I have commented in purple:

You Are Christmas

More than most people, you are able to find magic in life's small moments.
Yes, small presents are sometimes the best...

Traditions mean a lot to you, and you tend to be quite nostalgic.
You are a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays.
The true meaning!?!?!? Just buy me a present!

You inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as you are.
As long as they buy me a present...

What makes you celebrate: Tradition and a generous spirit
-and a present!

At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The storyteller. You like to recount memories with everyone.
a-about the best present I ever got!

On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Give a gift to everyone you know
Even if they didn't get me a present!

Your Elf Name Is...

Trixie Sticky Fingers

Okay....I'm kinda liking Trixie....but can somebody tell me how my fingers got sticky? On second thought, maybe I don't wanna know....

What The Holidays Mean to You

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.
Christmas is very emotional for me. I am so glad that Erynn feels that she still must come home at Christmas.

You celebrate the holidays in a minimalist style. You are likely to only give one great present and decorate your house with a few special items.
Who are they talking about!?!?!? Scuse me -- I'm the one with two trees, a miniature village, and Christmas in the Loo....Seriously....

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.
Now this is more like me! I love walking/driving and looking at yard lights and decorations.

You think the holidays should be energetic and packed with activities. You'll double up on caffeine and sugar if that's what it takes to get you through them.
Duh. I will rest when I'm dead. "Party on, dude" whilst alive, I say.

Your favorite holiday memories strongly evoke your senses. You are vividly aware of all the tastes, smells, and sounds of the holidays.
My holiday memories, both good and bad, are very strong.

Your Christmas Song Is

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.

For you, Christmas is a mix of tradition and fun.
You're not above strapping on a red blinking nose for a laugh

Okay -- somehow they worked "strap-on" and "blinking" and "laugh" into the same sentence....

Friday, December 07, 2007

55? - My Marc Jacobs boots can't drive 55!

“Pour some sugar on me!”

these boots call out.

When I wear them,

I strut.

-can’t help it,

(but I don’t think I would if I could).

They were a gift from a friend,

"ostentatious", some would say.

But I say they’re just jealous,

or chicken...

When I wear them,

I strut.

-can’t help it.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Human Bowling...ala APj

I thought ya'll might like to see what I've chosen to do with my college education....

Saturday, December 01, 2007


...this has got to be one of the funniest skydiving commercials ever!