.....here's another honest gut-wrenching confessionally peek through the barricades into the heart-and-soul of APj.......
Prelude: Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Voldemort left four months after this group scuba trip – I actually think the “girlfriend” was supposed to go on this trip, and that the others in our group (whose gazes were full of uncomfortable pauses and glances) knew it and her.
“When was the last time, APj?” Difficult question, but an honest one -an honest one that deserves an answer. But which last time: the last successful time? The last good time? Or the last attempt? And if the latter, whose? Our attempt, his attempt, or mine?
The last time I tried was in Fiji. I mean, where could be better than Fiji? Island Paradise. A buri on the beach. The wash of waves, whisper of winds. Morning swims and evening walks. Hikes through lush forests and kayaking with colorful fish. How could he resist?
I tried to do all the things I knew he had once loved about me: I sat close to him, casually caressing his inner thigh. My fingers lightly traced circles on the back of his neck, and I allowed my lips to slightly grazed his ear when I had to whisper. My heart raced as we walked from dinner to our buri. I changed into something naughty (and nice). He told me that he was going to shower……more than an hour later I watched him (through half-closed eyes) exit the bathroom and go to the other bed at the front of the buri.
When I tearfully asked him the next morning what he was doing, his reply was that he just wanted to sleep. And that he wasn’t interested in anything else, especially with me. He promptly left for the dining hall for coffee. Without me.
The remainder of my holiday was spent on wonderful morning swims, kayaking with colorful fish, and beautiful giant turtles. I explored the inner reaches of the island, hiking to the top of a waterfall. I took morning and evening walks along the beach, greeting the Sun as he rose and set, and listening to the Moon as she sang to the sea. Truly Paradise.
Each attempt I made after that was also rebuffed, and with each rebuff, I retreated further behind the barricades of my mind. And yes, you are right: although I have removed most of the barricades, many of them are still in place. It’s just too damn scary.
So, although I’d love to live up to my sexy name of Angel Providing Joy, and I am seriously Jonesing for Affection, perhaps Steph was closer to the truth when he dubbed me “Just Another Yearning…..”