Sunday, February 18, 2007

Almost Paradise

.....here's another honest gut-wrenching confessionally peek through the barricades into the heart-and-soul of APj.......

Prelude: Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Voldemort left four months after this group scuba trip – I actually think the “girlfriend” was supposed to go on this trip, and that the others in our group (whose gazes were full of uncomfortable pauses and glances) knew it and her.

When was the last time, APj?” Difficult question, but an honest one -an honest one that deserves an answer. But which last time: the last successful time? The last good time? Or the last attempt? And if the latter, whose? Our attempt, his attempt, or mine?

The last time I tried was in Fiji. I mean, where could be better than Fiji? Island Paradise. A buri on the beach. The wash of waves, whisper of winds. Morning swims and evening walks. Hikes through lush forests and kayaking with colorful fish. How could he resist?

I tried to do all the things I knew he had once loved about me: I sat close to him, casually caressing his inner thigh. My fingers lightly traced circles on the back of his neck, and I allowed my lips to slightly grazed his ear when I had to whisper. My heart raced as we walked from dinner to our buri. I changed into something naughty (and nice). He told me that he was going to shower……more than an hour later I watched him (through half-closed eyes) exit the bathroom and go to the other bed at the front of the buri.

When I tearfully asked him the next morning what he was doing, his reply was that he just wanted to sleep. And that he wasn’t interested in anything else, especially with me. He promptly left for the dining hall for coffee. Without me.

The remainder of my holiday was spent on wonderful morning swims, kayaking with colorful fish, and beautiful giant turtles. I explored the inner reaches of the island, hiking to the top of a waterfall. I took morning and evening walks along the beach, greeting the Sun as he rose and set, and listening to the Moon as she sang to the sea. Truly Paradise.

Each attempt I made after that was also rebuffed, and with each rebuff, I retreated further behind the barricades of my mind. And yes, you are right: although I have removed most of the barricades, many of them are still in place. It’s just too damn scary.

So, although I’d love to live up to my sexy name of Angel Providing Joy, and I am seriously Jonesing for Affection, perhaps Steph was closer to the truth when he dubbed me “Just Another Yearning…..”

15 comments:

lime said...

hugs........that hurts.

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

it takes time.
some of it doesn't heal for like, a hundred years or so.
which is why it takes (also,) someone who understands this and who can deal with areas that are just way too painful to touch, but can hold outside of those areas.

Most folks?
Really need their act together to really be able to handle that. (That's not a criticism about your situation being so awful and impossible, more on how others don't deal with themselves, -nor know how to help others. (Some wounds are just that deep and involved.)

We're kind of lucky in a respect. A lot of people walk around refusing to believe in anything absolute, and sort of pride themselves on some fluid changing 'maybe.'

If we are to believe in a benevolent God, who cares about our needs, desires, injuries, and innermost heart, -and anything about Christianity is true?
Than those areas will be addressed, that hurt will be soothed, and those needs and desires will be honestly fulfulled, (if only by God alone, -and in this life.)

The beauty of it?
It's not my truth to tell you, it's just plain 'thee truth.' (and it could be relayed to you from anyone... instead it comes from somone who prays for you as well.)

Hang in their Jayne, that someone can go through something as painful, -and still see beauty?
Is hope personified.

-Eric

lecram sinun said...

Yuck to that past... but there is also the present and future to deal with. Like...er... when you are going to buy me a drink next.

KFarmer said...

That you were able to continue to enjoy your surroundings while someone you loved treated you so horribly is a testiment of your true character- you are a strong woman of that I have no doubt.

Sometimes though, things can take hold of us and if we don't learn to let them go, it drags us down physically, emotionaly, spiritually and otherwise.

I had something I dragged around inside me for 100 years- it ate me up until I envisioned my guts to be black & green goo-w/worms in it. I'm not kidding- I carried that poison around until it got to the point where it was either me or the worms.

I wish you happy gardening. Worms can be wonderful and beneficial creatures-if they're where He intended them to be (hugs)

airplanejayne said...

lime - thanks for the hugs, which are always welcome. Tie-dyed towel would be welcomed too.

SGL - thanks too. The layers of the onion are many -- I've peeled and discarded the most painful ones, but occassionally hit a layer that makes me tear up a bit. But yes, I know that all is well with me inside.

Lecram - you, you, you. Isn't it supposed to be about me, me, ME!?!? Fine, whatever. I'll clear a spot for a drink.

kfarmer - I do think I'm a strong women, but still kinda chicken.....hmmmmm, don't chickens eat worms?
:)

Mustang said...

Dear J..

So many thoughts, so many words, so many feelings.

I think, although we all tease you just a bit, that we all hope and hurt with you too. You are truly an amazing person, with so much life and joy inside of you it simply bursts out!

It is an honor to claim you as a friend, and a shear blessing to keep you close to our hearts.

You are a beautiful, charming, smart, sensitive, wonderful woman..and all will be well for you in it's own time.

Mustang

Mintzworks said...

eh, whatever.

I thought you were a skydiver.

All you have to do is juuuuuuummmmmp!

Scary, isn't it!

S

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

...Mustang,
from what I understand is a man who is spoken for and in a committed relationship...

Which is good... because if this guy was out on the prowl looking for a honey???
-any male within a 1000 mile radius wouldn't stand a snowballs chance in hell...

(worse???
He speaks the truth...)

Solitaire said...

Hey honey! Opening up like that and talking about it is so amazing! I love your strength!

Hang in there.... he (whoever he is) will come find you soon...

:-)

airplanejayne said...

Mustang - the honor is mine. And you can keep teasing me.

SGL - uh-huh. And when you meet Mustang's muse, you will see why we say he's lucky too. They fit together well.

steph - I don't wanna jump no more. I just want someone to push me. Is that so much to ask for? Really? Just a simple frickin push.

Sol - thanks sweetie for thinking I'm strong. I just find the more stuff I'm able to toss over the side of the boat, the better my journey goes... Now, let's go kick steph's ass for thinking I'm a woosie.

KFarmer said...

definately ;)

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

'...OverSexed Theatre Wimmins, Stomping on Mints, NEXT: on Geraldo...'

b o o said...

HUGS

RACHEL said...

Hmmm....those kind of memories can be unpleasant when they come back. I understand retreating back behind your mind when you feel the rejection from other human being.

Yet, I know from our chats that you are a remarkable and attractive (do not forget that, by the way, not meant in flirtatious way - and don't worry about my poor writing skills at this moment-tee hee~) woman that needs to be seen. I understand not being seen very well by others, but I know that someone will see you someday and appreciate the qualities you bring them. I have faith.

Katie :) said...

Although there is nothing like the love and touch from another human, nature has it's way of showing you love- in the turtles, fish, sunshine, all of the amazing wonders Mother Nature has here, right in front of your eyes.
Someday, when the time is right your barriers will come tumbling down and won't need to be rebuilt.