Sunday, July 24, 2005

Drama, dahling, drama

I know that many of you think I like to have drama in my life, so that it must remain "all about me." Let me start off by stating the obvious:

It IS all about Me......always.......Just accept that and move on!

Most of you don’t know this, but I went to the Doctor last week. I lost my voice around the end of April/beginning of May. I thought I was talking too much (Jayne? Talk too much? Go figure!) and had probably damaged my vocal chords. I figured it would be better when school got out. It didn't (get better), so I went (to the doctor).
Okay, as you know, most doctors thrive on finding new ways to freak you out. Here is one of their new ways: Doc stuck a tube up my nose. Hmmm, picture one of those cans of compressed air that you use to clean your computer keyboard...with a tube about twice that size. Doc squirted nasty bitter tasting stuff up my nose and instructed me to swallow said nasty bitter stuff.

Just as an aside: Why would a doctor make stuff that has to go down your throat taste bad? If YOU were that doctor, wouldn’t YOU try to make it taste better!?!?!?

But back to my story: At this point, I was a good patient and swallowed the nasty/narpy tasting stuff. Throat proceeded to get very numb; so numb in fact that it became quite difficult to swallow my own saliva. Saliva which was being mass-produced, probably because saliva glands knew I couldn't swallow and they thought it would be fun!
So now, Doc returns into room, with something that looks like a miniature vacuum attachment....or maybe some high-tech computer accessory: Long skinny (about half the width of a pen), sectional, firm-but-bendy cable-y thing with a light on the end.
Jayne's eyes get big as she realizes that Doctor intends to send that snake down her throat.....

Jayne's blood pressure increases when Doc informs her that he will be going down her throat -- VIA HER NOSE!

Yes and still, Jayne remains the perfect patient.....

Doc snakes tube down left nostril causing a feeling similar to someone dragging a finger along a sunburn: very uncomfortable, but not painful enough for you to haul off and hit them.

Doc snakes tube down right nostril -- and still, Jayne behaving and not kicking or hitting anyone....
"Hmmmm, yes," says Doc (either to me or my tonsils -- oh yeah! I don't have those anymore, so I guess he was talking to me), " Yes. You have a lump on your left vocal chord. It looks benign. But I do want you to come in for specialized test. A videoscope. We'll set that up for you."
Okay, let's review the words I heard:
lump. vocal chord. benign. specialized test.

As usual, Jayne plays research/doctor upon arriving home. According to what I have learned, most lumps on vocal chords are not cancerous. And the Doctor did use the word "benign" which is good. Most Doctors are pretty non-committal in diagnosis until they have test-data, so I don't think he'd use that word unless it looked pretty good. But it is a lump (not a polyp or nodule), and I don't want it there.....even though I'm getting told I sound like Lauren Bacall (older audience) or Kathleen Turner (a bit younger audience).
So, videoscope (or videostrobe?) is set for 7/29 at 9:00 in the morning. Results consultation witll be on 8/1 at 9:00 in the morning. Yes, I am nervous, but I am fine. I'm concentrating on the words and research of the doctors and myself, the kind words and prayers of my family and friends, and trusting that it'll all be fine. I just figure it's my turn (again) for some surgery. I don't want you worrying about me. You know I do this Doctor thing okay. But please keep me in your prayers. Never, ever, ever underestimate their power.
I promise to let you all know what's going on and soon as I know what's going on.

the Queen of the Spotlight,


Anonymous said...

Oh okay. I'll pray for you.

lecram sinun said...

APJ, focusing all positive energy to you.

scarysquirrelman said...

if they stick what looks like a turkey baster up your butt and squeeze, make sure you're very, very near a bathroom.

scarysquirrelman said...

and selma blair (sorry, back on my "grateful for" kick).

Mustang said...

Dearest Jane O' the Plane..

Good luck! We shall all keep you in our thoughts. And the voice does sound cool, but would accept alternate sound for "safe Jane".

Best regards,


jade ed girl said...

Sending ya my best thoughts and prayers.

airplanejayne said...

kien - ta for the prayers.

Lecram - can feel the positive energy already.

Mustang - thanks for the luck and the compliment!

Joel - thanks, as usual, for the warnings of eminent danger. Warnings of certain doom that I know most others just ignore, even when they know you're right. Warnings, dammit, that should be heard! So I'm hearing you! And thanking you! Okay? So screw the bathroom! If they come at me with a turkey baster -- I'm out of there!

Jade - I keep thinking about Johnny Depp!!! What fantastic thoughts you're sending my way! Wait...what's that? Ohhhh, great thought.....I've gotta run, I, ahhh, I need to


Captain Whiffle said...

Can I have the lump/polyp/nodule when the doctor is done with it?

My best to you and your chords...

Lelly said...

Thinking of you APj, hope all goes well.

lecram sinun said...

So, what are the results, Miss Jayne?

Captain Whiffle said...

Hope you are super well, Jayne. I hear that you should gargle with martinis after such a procedure. I'm up for it if you are...

Cap'n Whiffle

airplanejayne said...

Thanks Lelly for your good thoughts!

Aye Aye, Captain! Martini's it is! Please bring them to the next outing!

I will call you soon, since I still have phone## on my leftovers -- which I did eat by the way. --Which reminds me:

SSM!!! leftovers were good. Demolished before 7/24 deadline.