Wednesday, March 29, 2006

So, Superman Steve and the V.P. have not had their baby……still! Steve did not do a show at the Rogue, because the baby was due, and we were just sure that the baby would arrive during the Rogue. Of course, some thought a Rogue stage birth could be very avant-garde….but the V.P. shot that idea down.
I hate waiting for this baby. And I hate not knowing whether the baby is a boy or a girl. The worst part of “not knowing” is knowing that someone actually knows – and it’s not the parents OR me – only their doctor. Geez, worse than Christmas!
But I’m hoping for a girl. Why? Well, for one thing, the clothes are cuter. But mostly,
--well, mostly because of the penis thing.
“Penis thing?” you ask, “what penis thing?”
That whole “penis as a WMD” thing.

Boys begin wielding their penis as a weapon from birth.

And I am so not joking. Any parent/babysitter/older sibling that has ever changed a baby boy’s diaper can attest to this truth: if you do not cover that weapon with something (hand, towel, wipe, etc) before the air hits it, it will unleash a deadly yellow liquid –aimed with amazing accuracy--directly towards your face.
And the baby grows…..into a toddler and little boy. A little boy just like my little brother, Jason. Let me tell you about Jason:
I come from a family of six kids: JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulieJason. Oh, and Mom and Dad: JayandJanet. What can I say…
Anyway, all the way at the end of the line – JohnJeffJayneJoanneJulie – Jason – the youngest. Now, with six kids, bathtime was crazy. Obviously, there was no way, time or money wise, for six kids to get to take individual baths – so we usually had to “co-bathe.” The unwritten rule was that the oldest got to sit in the front of the tub – where the freshest, hottest, bestest (?) water was. So……
One evening, 10-year-old me and 3-year-old Jason were in the tub. Jason said, “I wanna sit in front.”
“No, I’m the oldest! I get the front.”
“Please…..”
“No!”
“If you don’t let me, I’ll pee on you.”
“No you won’t. Besides, I’m the oldest. I get to --- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Yup. My three-year-old brother had stood up…..and peed on me. Weapon of Mass Destruction deployed on innocent civilian in a water environment. I lept from the toxic tub and went screaming – naked – down the hall and into the kitchen, screaming, “Jason peed on me! Grodie to the max!”
From then on, I refused to use the “peepee tub”, I insisted on showers, and I refused to bathe with anyone else.
I don’t think I need to go on with further proof of the Penis as a WMD.

7 comments:

Solitaire said...

LMAO! I completely agree with you! WMD for sure!

I went to Teazer and got their Orange Ginger Mint tea and it worked wonders! I'll let you know when the nexy bar party is and maybe ya'll can come party!

lecram sinun said...

Yeah... but "destruction" in this case can also be sweet! :)

The Village Idiot said...

LMAO

Great storie and...gotta admire his followthrough...

lime said...

that is a priceless story1 and i liek the whole premise of your blog. thanks for the visit to my place. i think i'll be back to check more of you!

scarysquirrelman said...

and thuse was born penis envy. if you could...you would, too.

airplanejayne said...

solitaire - let me know next boogie opportunity!

village idiot - yes, my brother had good follow through.

lime - thanks!

lecram - so NOT sweet!!!

SSM - who says I can't?!?!?

KFarmer said...

That story was priceless! LOL! and I dont blame you one tiny bit for insisting on showering alone. :)