Monday, September 25, 2006

My Mom - Part Duex

--or "part doo" - as what the shit?!?!?!? If my Mom finds out that I made her sound the saint, I might be in I thought I'd share some of the errrrrr less stellar but still shiny memories of me mum:

1. My mom never said no. Before you get your hopes or hackles (whichever the case) - that's not to say she let us do whatever. No, she never said no. She sang it. Sang it!?!?!?
Mom: APj! Time to come inside!
Me: Mom, can I just stay outside a little longer?
Mom: No. It's too late.
Me: Aw, pleasepleaseplease can I just stay outside a little bit longer? ________(insert current bestfriend's name) 's mom always lets her--
Mom: (a sing-songy tune) "No, no, --"
Me: (running to the house, trying to stop her from finishing) Ahhhhhhhh! Mom!!!!! Stop--Mom
Mom: "-- a thousand times no. I'd rather die than say yes."
Me: Geez, thanks Mom. Now we gotta move again.

2. I was the straw that inevitably broke the camels back. Hey, with six kids, it was bound to happen, but it seemed to happen to me more often than the rest of the clan. What do I mean, "break the camel's back?"
Upon arriving home from track practice, I hurriedly sat down to eat.
Mom: What kind of milk would you like?
Me (thinking to self): Choice? That means we have chocolate milk!!!! Special Day, yeah!!!
Me(aloud): Chocolate, please.
Mom proceeds to fix me a plate of food, and brings me a glass of milk. White Milk. As in the non-chocolate variety.
Me: Hey, I asked for chocolate milk.
Everything switches to slow-mo as
a. Mom tosses the milk in my face (really) ,
b. a look of shock and tears mixes with the milk on my face.
c. a look of horror comes over my Mom's face.
d. we both burst into tears in the kitchen.

3. And, my all time favorite. Growing up, I noticed that there weren't a lot of baby pics of me. Unlike my two older brothers, my pics seemed to start around 6months to one year old. Oh sure, there's a picture of a bald baby in a crib that they SAID was me, but really......So, of course, I grew up thinking that I was adopted. Whenever I felt my mom was being unfair, (please refer to #1 and #2 above), I would scream -- err--suggest to my mother, "Why don't you just tell me the truth! You know I'm adopted."
One day, in which I was (according to my mother) being unusually hateful, as opposed to my normally hateful self (again, according to me mum), I spewed -- err--suggested the above to my mother. My Mother was (and still is) the queen of the one-line zingers. Hey, now you know where I get my wit. To which my mother responded, "What makes you think we'd pick you?"
::rimshot:: "thankyou, thankyou very much"


Mintzworks said...

okay, except for the milk thing (poor both of you), the comeback zinger about the adoption is priceless.

Mom's kinda cute, too...wondered where you got it.

My mom told me on my 16th birthday "Stephen, now that you're sixteen, I feel safe to tell you that you're adopted. I've packed a bag for you (suitcase right there in the kitchen), and I want you to go find your biological parents."

Me: "Aw, Ma, we look too much alike. Nice try tho."

Her: "Well, put your suitcase away."


KFarmer said...

ROFLMAO- Your mom, what a hoot! Not only is she talented and witty, but ohh so pretty as well :)

lime said...

since i am adopted, when my mom was being a meanie i used to fantacize that my birthmom was a princess from whom i'd been stolen. hehehe.

Anonymous said...

Pretty mom! Aaaww, both crying over errr.... splashed milk!

Ms Bees Knees said...

hey crazy lady!!! just popping in to say helloooo! your mommy was a stunner, weren't they all back then??? wtf? why do we all look like shit compared to the glamorous woman of the 40s-50s??? anywhooo... your mom sounds a bit twisted like you. maybe a little? perhaps? ;)

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

....okay, I did not comment that yer daughter was a hottie because, well, she's your daughter, it would be weird, and you threatened to shoot SSM when he just asked if she was single...

your mom....

hubba hubba...

(I'd like to thank the APJ line-o-wimmins for keeping America Beautiful for three generations and making it look easy...)

airplanejayne said...

Mintz - glad yer Mom let ya' stay.

Kfarmer - yeah, Mom was and is awfully clever.

Lime - I fantasize about being a princess too -- but it usually involves some hot prince....

kien -- well, the kitties were happy about the splashed milk...

Ms. knees - ya' want twisted? Mom used to light her cigarette and ask if we'd ever seen a match burn twice. She'd then pretend to almost burn us with the match she just blew out. Yup. twisted alright!

SGL - okay, since you addressed it so sweetly, I've unloaded the gun and promise not to shoot you.
--but I still don't trust the squirrelman....