Thursday, December 07, 2006


We are a family of word-lovers. My mother instilled in each of us a desire to know words. Instead of “said” we were encouraged to use replied, retorted, exclaimed, whispered, shouted, admonished (personal fave) – well, you get the picture. There were a couple of word rules:
1) we couldn’t use it if we didn’t know what it meant. And
2) we couldn’t say it unless it was in the dictionary.

This was my mother’s way of keeping us from cussing – wouldn’t work so much now, ‘cause “those words” are in many dictionaries -But it worked just fine back then.

We couldn’t call each other f*ck*rs, bi$ch@s, as$ho(es, or even ba4t#rds – cause we couldn’t find them in the dictionary. But phenomenal alternatives were found, and creative compounds built: Mucus-hound, Feces-dweller, larvae-lover.

What a wonderful life, eh? (Rhetorical – yes, it WAS a wonderful life…..)

Poor Jason...
Jason is my youngest brother, and as a child he received quite the pickings on by his five older siblings. We would call him names...he wouldn’t know what they meant...he would look them up... – and cry... and then we would heartily laugh.

Jason spent oodles of hours with eyes in the dictionary....

One day, I was sitting outside with my sister JoJo and her boyfriend – the boyfriend we all tolerated, but considered a fecal-dweeling maggot-munching, toad-toting fiend.

“Whatcha doing?” Jason asked.

“Noneofyerbizness, Four-eyes,” Danny sneered.

--see why we didn’t like him? I mean it’s one thing to pick on your OWN sibling…

“Hey,” I retorted, “Don’t call him that—“

“It’s okay,” interjected Jason, “I don’t care what he says. He’s a hemorrhoid!”

A what!?!?” I choked.

“A hemorrhoid,” Jason calmly repeated.

“Jason,” I admonished (heh-heh, personal fave), “You know the rules: if you don’t know what it means, you can’t say it.”

Hemorrhoid,” explained Jason, “ Hemoorrhoid. A painful and inflamed area near the butt-OCKS. And that is what Danny is: a painful area near the butt-OCKS.”

Dontcha jus' love it? I mean, dontcha!?!?!?


lecram sinun said...

See, it's stories that make me really like your blog... the human ones involving name calling. :)

Anonymous said...

oh i love it! when i used to frequent the trivia rooms there was one particularly hateful individual who took great joy in starting fights. another player who had a medical background took to referring to him as 'proctalgia fugax.' after googling the term i learned it was an acutely debilitating pain in the rectum that may be triggered by orgasm. i corrected my medical friend by explaing while i concurred with the concept of the offender being as irritating as proctalgia fugax i took issue with the thought that anything about him could have anteceded the necessary ecstacy of sexual climax which would induce the pain. nonetheless, proctalgia fugax is a fine insult.

KFarmer said...

LOL! "Yes, yes I do" she bellowed! :)

Anonymous said...

what a smart kid :)

Lelly said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE SEEN MY DANIEL BEFORE ME!! Ahem. My life has become SO blinking hectic that I can't fit Craigy in (not long now, my darling, be patient)
Can't fit him in...heh heh heh...I'd give it my best shot!

I knew someone who gave nick-names to all his chums, and he called one 'thrush'. 'Is it because he can sing?' I chirruped.
'No' he replied
'its because he's an irritating
c%nt'...and that word IS in the dictionary

Good on yer wee bro, Jayne!