Sarah Silverman

This cracked me up!!!!!! Sorry.....I've gotta go......cause, cause, I'm f#@king Matt Damon...

Action Hero!

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Maximus After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. Maximus 67% El Zorro 67% James Bond, Agent 007 63% Lara Croft 58% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% William Wallace 54% Indiana Jones 50% Neo, the "One" 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 42% Batman, the Dark Knight 42% The Terminator 38%

I'm going with my "rules schmules."
(f#$K you Lecram -- I'm doing it this time!)
Maximus!?!?!? I mean PUH-leees -- have you seen his shoes!?!?!? I wouldn't be caught dead in those, and we all know it.

But Zorro......I mean - he wears BOOTS! And we ALL remember my....affinity....for boots.

Friday 55 - A Cool October Night...

“Are the Stars Out Tonight?”
Living in the country, I’ve grown used to looking up and seeing stars. Rarely takes my breath away…let alone make my knees buckle. Yet, there I was, anchorless, staring at their vastness, closing my eyes, I Star Danced ‘cross the sky, pausing planets, skipping stars, and riding meteors.

*If you've never read Stardance, by Spider and Jeanne Robinson, I highly suggest it.

Top Ten!

So.....I received this Valentine card -
no, no, I am following the lead of my tight-lipped friends and not sharing from whom it came.
--oh, and yes, I used "tight-lipped" and "not sharing" on purpose.
Especially in respect to the subject matter....


-and of course, it got me thinking! (yes, yes, it sent me to the store also -- where I just ran around the parking lot in circles)

But exactly
HOW is a BJ like Flowers?!?!?!?

9. they come in all different sizes

8. they always bring a smile to your face.

7. because sometimes it really is about the length of the stem

6. they are never refused at the door.

5. If they don’t last long enough, you want it redelivered

4. You might say it doesn’t matter, but inside you’re jealous when others get them and you don’t

3. Although always appreciated, they are best when least expected

2. they make up for mistakes made earlier.

1. if delivered to the wrong person, it could cause problems for the relationship.

Oops....my Top 10 is only 9 deep.......can you think of one to add?

Jayne is nekkid in the parking lot of Costco....

I SWEAR I did not cheat on this contest!!!
This was my Valentine's card from Erynn.....



Take the Quiz


Brad, Brad....Where are you!?!?!?!?!?

...Hey Man, there's only one thing, and one car that will do..

You all seemed to enjoy my emails last week, so I'm going to share another one.
Hey, I'm busy trying to get this stupid show ready for the Rogue. "Whose idea was this?" I fume. "Oh yeah....Steve"
Steve, aka Obi-Overlord emails me daily to either threaten or coax me regarding my upcoming Rogue performance, alias "Jayne and the I.B.S. show."
--Which reminds me: do any of you know where can I get my hands on astronaut diapers?
Speaking of astronaut diapers, here's the latest reparte:

Dear APj,

Have you seen this car? Ok not this exact one but my 1994 Subaru which is charcoal Grey ( black) and was stolen from in front of my house on Friday.

Yes

Who would want that car?

Why would someone steal it?

If you can answer that question in 25 words or less you can have the car...well what is left of it if it comes back.

What might still remain?

How about

a roof rack

my earthquake gear - tent, MREs, stove, 2 rolls of quarters, a 1990 ski coat and much much more!

a Buddha statue ( lotta good that did

empty water bottles

a 1 ton car jack

a hiking stick

and of course car parts

but honestly I do hope it does not return as well........it just won't be the same. So don't pray to St. Anthony

Thanks

Steven

To which I responded:

Steven,

I don't remember the roof rack. Are you hoping that when the car returns, the cops (with the 95% recovery rate) will say, "shit! It had a roof rack, we'd better go find one."

empty water bottles. Like those are SO going to help when you're stranded, eh? I mean, the tent: great. MRE's (taste like shit, but hey shit's better than shitless): fine. But what the hell you gonna wash shit down with? Don't tell me you were planning on that whole "drinking your own urine" thing. gross.

What were the quarters for? Impersonating footage?

crap -- that's a whole lot more than 25 words.....let me try again. Give me a do-over.
-btw, I so want a do-over, or a do-again, or a do-it-baby-one-more-time (ala Britney, but not all bald and stuff).


25 word ode to Steven's Subaru:

He stole the car cause he was singing, “Pink Cadillac”

and that line about how "it’s better than a Subaru."

Is it?

Now we’ll know.

Oh, hot damn. I am good.

APj

Dear Contestants of the Subaru Contest:

Note: Good news/Bad News

The car was found, intact and in ………….Fremont, CA.

So the answer was ‘joyriding’ it seems. Which I understand because I have ridden with joy for years in that car.

However, contents of backseat were taken. Not all but you do not want what was left trust me.

Taken was my big black box of Earthquake Preparedness:

-Several bottles of Evian water ( if we have a crisis why not have the best)

-the MRE’s cira 1985 ( Bochna can you get me some more before you retire?)

- Ramon Noodles-

-my new spirit burning stove ( alcohol not other world spirits)

- Columbia ski coat circa 1994

-misc camping gear- penknife, flashlight etc

-baby and astronaut diapers

-a list of my enemies

So...we regret to inform you that prize swag is no longer available.

However as the winner you are welcome to cruise around in the Subaru anytime.

The winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Ron Darcy

Ron is a NY Firefighter, father of 2, buyer of pint rounds, a national and world champion Thumb Wrestler ( he took the gold for the US in the 94 Zurich games) and all around great guy.

yes steven.. i have your car..

i had one already and i needed this second one to match.. you see i remove the rear window, slip my feet in them, pull up the rear bumper and rollerskate around the neighborhood,

love shelly... sorry it was 37 words

Airplane Jayne came in 2^nd place. Although a good effort it was just not her best. I assume she is focused on her first one women show premiering in the Rogue Festival 2008 in Fresno. Go Jayne!

To which, of course, I replied:
Dear Obe-overlord,

Cheese and Rice.
No wonder you're a SUBSTITUTE teacher. You obviously don't understand the whole "giving instructions and expecting others to follow it." Nope. Just read what's on the paper, and whatever they turn in is fine!

WTF!?!?!?

How. PRAY TELL ME HOW does 37 words win a 25-words-or-less contest!?!?!?!?!?
I'll tell you: SEX. That's it. SEX. I don't care who Mr. Darcy f#$!ed - it wasn't me. Oh - by the way, you do remember I've a thing for firefighters.....

Whatevah.
I am working on my show, and having tons of sex.

okay, only half of that is true....

xoxo,
APj

I've Got Friends in low places....

Sorry I have been remiss in my blogging. The Rogue is quickly approaching
-what is that light at the end of the tunnel? EGADS!!!! It's the train!! Run for your lives!!! The Plow is coming! It's moving day!!! (that last is courtesy of "The Secret of NIMH")

-quickly approaching, and I'm busy. No other excuse. Just busy. Busy helping with stuff not done, busy helping with stuff to do, busy making a list of stuffees and stuffors....
::sigh::
I just love looking at the pics in the Rogue Map....

and then, of course, I've got to deal with my friends.
Friends who would prefer to yammer on behind my back, but just can't help themselves, so they THEN send copies of the DRIVEL to me.
Because they think they are so funny.
-not-
And, because we are talking ME, we all know that I share everything.
sorry, it's true: I'm a talker. Not many secrets when it comes to me....

So, here's the tripe from my friends:
Dearest Drew,

I am writing in regards to the impending APJ one-women show. To be blunt you must attend because I - not you- will hear about it forever and she'll even blog about it and then ask if I've read it. I do not read her blogs as a substitute teacher I confiscate and read aloud poorly written notes by immature girls all day. But in regards to her show, look at it this way - it one of the few times that you will know for sure that Jayne will be jabbing on for 45 minutes without anyone else getting in a word edgewise. As opposed to any other time when you fool yourself thinking 'Oh maybe she'll let me talk this time?' My point at least we know what we're getting into and we don't have to fain interest with " oh really" or " that's nice' ...speaking of what to wear I suggest kilts, official of course. So we can sit in the front row spread our legs- I will expose my shortcomings and you can expose the 8,9 and 10th wonder of the world.
Love,
Steve

Darling Steven:

What is this about a one woman show with APJ? This is the first I have heard about it....and the last I hope. It is a pity it is being held on the one night I am not available.
Let me know about the train wreck that is APJ's introduction into showbiz. Please tell me she is not doing a one woman version of the Vagina Monolgue - I only hope she gets a bikini wax - last time it looked like a bikini spider contest; I though the woman had Don King tucked into her panties. I am shocked and appalled that she has not let me know - maybe she is waiting until she gets her act down before she wants me to see it - which means I need not have to make arrangements in this lifetime....
Love,
Drew

My Darling APJ:

Word on the street - the street of broken dreams no less - is that you are planning on doing a one woman show......

No Janey - surely you remember the last time you tried this you had all that trouble keeping the ping pong balls from falling out, and when you did 'shoot' them out it was more of a dribble; and the donkey falling over and dying from exhaustion.
Anyway - you have to tell me all about this folly and hopefully you will not be doing interpretive dance or worse still, speaking through your vagina and manipulating a ventriloquist dummy's mouth. I did that show myself once and it is not as appreciated by the crowds as you might think.
Yours fondly,
Drewsy

Drew, my love,

Manwhore,oops, I mean, Man-that-I-adore,What are you doing out on the streets? Has Ryan finally come to his senses and put you out? I do hope he let the girls stay....it really wasn't there fault about the dead hamster... I do hope you finally came clean about that incident. Really, how you expected to keep that a secret: after all, you DO live in Hollywood.

I will type slowly so as not to confuse you:itwasn't pingpongballs.it was bowlingballs. Hey, they were heavier than I thought. You try holding a ball up your ass-nevermind, I know for a fact that YOU have been there...on numerous occassions!
Oh, and FYI, it wasn't a donkey -- it was a waiter HUNG like a donkey....I think his name was Martin. You remember Martin, don't you? So-totally-NOT-gay-Martin from my fab-u-lous birthday party in "The HollywoodHills?" ::sigh:: May Martin rest in peace...

alas, I will not be manipulating any dummy's mouth -- because my favorite dummy (YOU) won't leave his home to come see me shine. Yes, my sweet, I will tell you aaaaallll about it -- but I probably won't have to: CNN and MTV are planning full coverage. Watch and weep, my sweet. Watch and weep.-or-be the man whore -oops, man-I-adore,and come to Fresno for the day to see my show. I've a room the girls can wait in behind the stage. With treats. and cute boys for them to frolic or fuck. Their choice.

Love,

The ever-sexy AirplaneJayne
ps: thanks for reminding me about the wax job. Brazilian it is. I just love those boys from South America.....

Steve,

Kiss my ass, pull my hair and admit it: you don't read my blog because it's funny. And it just bugs you how funny I am.

::sigh:: the lengths -OH...the LENGTHS--I've gone to for you....the things I did -- and STILL you didn't write my show.

whatevah,

Love and kisses,

The always funnier APj
ps. I do hope my new magnifying glass is powerful enough to see and enjoy your shortcomings from the stage...