Monday, February 11, 2008

...Hey Man, there's only one thing, and one car that will do..

You all seemed to enjoy my emails last week, so I'm going to share another one.
Hey, I'm busy trying to get this stupid show ready for the Rogue. "Whose idea was this?" I fume. "Oh yeah....Steve"
Steve, aka Obi-Overlord emails me daily to either threaten or coax me regarding my upcoming Rogue performance, alias "Jayne and the I.B.S. show."
--Which reminds me: do any of you know where can I get my hands on astronaut diapers?
Speaking of astronaut diapers, here's the latest reparte:

Dear APj,

Have you seen this car? Ok not this exact one but my 1994 Subaru which is charcoal Grey ( black) and was stolen from in front of my house on Friday.
Yes
Who would want that car?
Why would someone steal it?
If you can answer that question in 25 words or less you can have the car...well what is left of it if it comes back.
What might still remain?
How about
a roof rack
my earthquake gear - tent, MREs, stove, 2 rolls of quarters, a 1990 ski coat and much much more!
a Buddha statue ( lotta good that did
empty water bottles
a 1 ton car jack
a hiking stick
and of course car parts
but honestly I do hope it does not return as well........it just won't be the same. So don't pray to St. Anthony
Thanks
Steven

To which I responded:

Steven,

I don't remember the roof rack. Are you hoping that when the car returns, the cops (with the 95% recovery rate) will say, "shit! It had a roof rack, we'd better go find one."

empty water bottles. Like those are SO going to help when you're stranded, eh? I mean, the tent: great. MRE's (taste like shit, but hey shit's better than shitless): fine. But what the hell you gonna wash shit down with? Don't tell me you were planning on that whole "drinking your own urine" thing. gross.

What were the quarters for? Impersonating footage?

crap -- that's a whole lot more than 25 words.....let me try again. Give me a do-over.
-btw, I so want a do-over, or a do-again, or a do-it-baby-one-more-time (ala Britney, but not all bald and stuff).


25 word ode to Steven's Subaru:

He stole the car cause he was singing, “Pink Cadillac”
and that line about how "it’s better than a Subaru."
Is it?
Now we’ll know.

Oh, hot damn. I am good.
APj

Dear Contestants of the Subaru Contest:
Note: Good news/Bad News
The car was found, intact and in ………….Fremont, CA.
So the answer was ‘joyriding’ it seems. Which I understand because I have ridden with joy for years in that car.
However, contents of backseat were taken. Not all but you do not want what was left trust me.
Taken was my big black box of Earthquake Preparedness:
-Several bottles of Evian water ( if we have a crisis why not have the best)
-the MRE’s cira 1985 ( Bochna can you get me some more before you retire?)
- Ramon Noodles-
-my new spirit burning stove ( alcohol not other world spirits)
- Columbia ski coat circa 1994
-misc camping gear- penknife, flashlight etc
-baby and astronaut diapers
-a list of my enemies

So...we regret to inform you that prize swag is no longer available.
However as the winner you are welcome to cruise around in the Subaru anytime.

The winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Ron Darcy
Ron is a NY Firefighter, father of 2, buyer of pint rounds, a national and world champion Thumb Wrestler ( he took the gold for the US in the 94 Zurich games) and all around great guy.
yes steven.. i have your car..
i had one already and i needed this second one to match.. you see i remove the rear window, slip my feet in them, pull up the rear bumper and rollerskate around the neighborhood,
love shelly... sorry it was 37 words

Airplane Jayne came in 2nd place. Although a good effort it was just not her best. I assume she is focused on her first one women show premiering in the Rogue Festival 2008 in Fresno. Go Jayne!

To which, of course, I replied:
Dear Obe-overlord,

Cheese and Rice.
No wonder you're a SUBSTITUTE teacher. You obviously don't understand the whole "giving instructions and expecting others to follow it." Nope. Just read what's on the paper, and whatever they turn in is fine!

WTF!?!?!?

How. PRAY TELL ME HOW does 37 words win a 25-words-or-less contest!?!?!?!?!?
I'll tell you: SEX. That's it. SEX. I don't care who Mr. Darcy f#$!ed - it wasn't me. Oh - by the way, you do remember I've a thing for firefighters.....

Whatevah.
I am working on my show, and having tons of sex.

okay, only half of that is true....

xoxo,
APj






5 comments:

KFarmer said...

You should be writing for TV~ If you did, I would watch it :)

airplanejayne said...

k - thanks sweetie! I keep trying to talk Steve into doing a Rogue show with me. But he thinks I'm a stage hog, and I know he is...
:)

lime said...

MREs ....i am having flashbacks now....

oh and as a matter of trivia....didja know some of the hardtack the union soldiers were given as provisions had been stockpiled during the war of 1812? makes MREs look like gourmet.

and you were completely hosed on that contest. i'd appeal more loudly if i were you.

airplanejayne said...

completely hosed.
yup.

I AM APPEALING AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE!!!!!


:)

mintzworks said...

You ARE so very appealing.

Even when you're as loud as possible.