Tuesday, September 30, 2008

APj the Wallflower

So, I got a great phone message from Steve, Kajsa and Anja. Actually, I've had 3 sexually inappropriate messages, 2 down right rude ones, 1 questionable and this one. They, by the way, are happily settled in Sweden, and I miss them terribly.
Steve: Anja was just talking about you.
Kajsa: Really, she was.
Steve: Anja said, "Auntie Jayne is shy." I said, "Really?" And she said, "Yea, she is shy."

Of course, Steve and Kajsa burst out laughing.
But....it is true.

My dearest Anja,
Yes, sweetie, your Auntie Jayne is shy. Painfully shy. That you are aware of this just proves, once again, how wonderfully intelligent you are. Are you sure you aren't adopted? Your Uncle Drew and I are still not so sure....

I have developed wonderful strategies to deal with this condition. Most of the time, people are totally unaware of how shy I really am: I laugh, make jokes, act like "one of the boys," etc. Unfortunately, these strategies are usually ineffective (and sometimes dangerous) when I use them romantically.

Scenario #1: Is that a pencil, or are you just happy to see me? Sweetie? Where are you going? That was just a joke....I didn't mean....

Scenario #2: hahahahahahahahaha! Sweetie? Where are you going? I wasn't laughing at your peni...

Scenario #3: WTF!?!?!? I know I told you to just treat me like one of the boys, but if you think you're putting that ther...

So, the strategy I usually fall back on is to bolt. Run, Toto, run. Running is not a bad thing -- cardiovascular exercise is actually quite healthy. Another side-effect of this shyness is that I can clam-up instead of engage,
- trust me, conversation and sex are both difficult with your knees together
which led to the diagnosis by your daddy and mommy that I am sextarded. Don't worry, it is not (we hope), a permanent condition. The treatment for my sextardation has been gradual, but effective. As a sidenote, I think am scheduled for a treatment soon....

Hallelujah, and pass the condom.

Love,
Auntie Jayne

5 comments:

mssolitaire said...

ok I don't know if this is TMI... actually I KNOW it's TMI... but that's ok... LOL


we'll work on the sextardation!

lecram said...

APJ? TMI? Only if you had to put up with her mentioning it 50 thousand times while watching Chicago in concert.

lime said...

ahhh, sweet remediation. is it all outlined on your IEP?

Cosima said...

We all are in a way or two. Shy, I mean, and sextarded. Just get drunk enough... lol ... oh boy,no don't, because that makes it even worse when you wake up.

airplanejayne said...

sol - I can't believe that you, of all people, want to chastise me for TMI....

lecram - where's my guitar player?

lime - I.E.P? Shit....I forgot about the paperwork, behavior plan, etc. damn.

cos - drinking game played. good.