Saturday, May 13, 2006

An Evening of Reflection

After a week filled with a field trip, a wedding, 147 7th graders, and two late evenings, I spent last night on “downtime.” Barefoot, sans makeup, glasses and sweats on the couch getting caught up on all the shows that I DVR’d and haven’t watched. BTW – DVR – great invention. Tape loads of stuff, watch just a bit.
--So I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy (hey, I wish Dr. McDreamy would Mcrip my clothes off and have his Mcway with me), and something funny happened. I laughed and turned to share it –
and remembered that I was alone.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t miss Voldemort – but I miss having some other body here.

I don’t miss the dirty clothes dropped randomly around the house,
But I miss the smell of his shirt,
Sometimes I miss it so much it hurts.

I don’t miss the accusations and hateful words
But I miss the playful banter
And shared jokes.

I don’t miss walking on eggshells and broken glass,
Waiting for the next eruption,
But I miss hearing someone else’s footsteps in the house.

I don’t miss the money battles,
The "giving in" instead of "compromising,"
But I miss having someone to share the financial concerns.

I don’t miss the way he could make me seem bad, fat, ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, weak, sad, and inferior.
But I miss the way he could make me feel.

12 comments:

lime said...

that's really honest and poignant. i wish you peace

Mustang said...

Damn you and such!!! Writing someting like that and making a fully-grown man blubber about his friend being so un-justly lonly...

I am going to spend the day sad..and on a mission!!!!

LET IT BE KNOWN ACROSS THE LAND..I, MUSTANG shall find a reasonably large,kind, considerate, financially and mentally stable male, capable of moderate amounts of restraint AND emotional flexiblity, who owns his own car/home/stereo/ and appropriate hand and power tools...

AND..

I, MUSTANG will give him to APJ free of charge for ever.

M

lecram sinun said...

Ahhh... the onion finally shows it's layers. Grand post, apj! :)

Blueprincesa said...

That's the worst part, letting go of the good with the bad. But you're a brave woman. And this was a poignant post.

scarysquirrelman said...

doubt very seriously i could say that on stage and not break down.
the poetry of pain is hard to keep honest, but you just did it.

lecram sinun said...

and a Happy Mothers Day! :)

gloria jean said...

It's usually the everyday, common things that we miss the most when someone is gone. It's very hard to allow your intellect to take charge over your emotions and weigh the good vs. bad in a relationship. If the negative parts of this relationship that you are referring to were the way that you describe them, then however emotionally painful it is for you right now, you are in the right place. You sound like a strong woman. I suspect that you will get through this having grown even stronger.

Solitaire said...

I think the hardest thing about being single is missing the companionship that the other brings. I remember aching at the loneliness I was feeling, not because I didn't have friends who loved me and gave me companionship, but because I didn't have a male companion to be friends/lovers/whole with. There's just something about being in a relationship that makes the evils in the world more bearable (sp?) and lets you know that you aren't alone.

I hope you find that other half for your life again...soon!

Hope, Joy, Peace for you honey!

airplanejayne said...

to all:
wow! I agonized over posting this, mostly because I didn't want everyone to think I had a case of the wah-wahs. I know I'm in a good place. I know I have great friends. I know that it IS how it's supposed to be. And I know I'll find my half -- someday.

thanks for all the kind words and support.

Ms Bees Knees said...

nice glimpse at your soul apj... we all got to show a little bit of ourselves every now and then. don't settle for a man who can just make you feel, but strive for a man who can make you feel like a goddess. ::HUG::

KaMotion said...

apj - thanks for sharing yourself so openly on this post. you're brave. made me remember the times i've been in my solitude pacing with similar thoughts and feelings. many hugs for you.

KFarmer said...

A woman after my own heart- one who is not afraid to tell it like it is.