okay - I'm feeling a bit silly, so sue me. But I'm feeling like this is a pretty funny bunch, so I want ya' to post your favorite dumb, silly, stupid, whatever joke as a comment. This has been my favorite joke for over 30 years......swear:
Bob, the accountant, decides to give it all up, move to the country, and become a farmer. He decides that to be a farmer, ya' need three things: a chicken, a rooster, and a donkey. So Bob sells all his worldly possessions, buys a farm, and heads to the livestock yard one fine Saturday morning. He approaches a woman in front of a stall full of chickens.
"Pardon me," he inquires politely, " but I would like to purchase a chicken"
"Yessir. You's from town, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Is that a problem?"
"No's, but round these here parts, we's don't calls em chickens. We's calls em pullits. You's wanna buy a pullit, right?"
"Yes, ma'am, I'd like to purch--err, that is, I'd like to buy a pullit."
So the woman sells him a pullit, and directs him towards a stall across the way, full of roosters.
"Goodday, sir. I'd like to buy a rooster."
"Howdy son. You's from town, right?"
"Yes, sir, is that a problem?"
"No, son. But round these here parts, we's don' calls em roosters...we's calls em cocks."
"Oh, thank you sir. Yes, sir, I'd like to buy me a cock then."
And so the old man sells him a fine cock, and sends him to the stall next door, containing one donkey.
"Sir, is that donkey for sale?"
"Sonny, this here is an ass! We's don't calls em donkeys, we's calls em asses. And this here ass is the last ass left in da whole market. Ya wan him?"
"Oh, yes sir! Thank you sir!"
And so Bob now had all the animals he needed. The old man helped Bob up onto the ass, and exclaimed, "Oh! Ah almost fergot ta tell ya: Sometimes dis here ass can be kinda stubborn. If he stops, just give him a slap on his rear. He'll start moving. Have a good day!" And with a parting slap, Bob was on his way.
Bob was doing fine for a few miles, when suddenly his mount stopped. He gave him a nudge with his heel, to no avail. He tried to give him a slap on the rear, but his hands were full. He was about to slide off the asses back, when he spied a young woman approaching.
"Ma'am? Ma'am? I was wondering if you could help me? Would you mind....
could you hold my cock...
and pullit...
while I slap my ass?"
2 comments:
Joe Texas arrives in London after a long flight across the pond. He misses his connecting flight to Liverpool and is forced to "train" it there.
Every seat on the train is taken. The only possible seat is occupied by a large German Shepard sitting next to an unfriendly and rotund English woman.
Joe decides to attempt looking for another seat. None is available. He finally approaches the fat lady and her dog.
"Mam, I'd appreciate it if you would get your dog to sit on the floor."
" Sir, " she states matter of factly, "... my dog sits where she wants."
Joe walks up and down the train to find seating. He returns to where the lady and her dog are.
"Mam, its been a long flight and I really need to sit down..."
"Not on your bleedin life. My dog sits where she wants!"
A heated arguement ensues. Joe finally opens the window, grabs the dog, flings it out the window and sits next to her. For exactly 3 minutes the woman is speechless. She then proceeds to yell and scream and carry on about the situation.
An old gentleman who is sitting across from them puts down the crossword puzzle he was doing and addresses Joe in a civilized tone.
"Sir, I'm going to assume that you are an American."
"What if I am?" Joe curtly replies as the woman next to him continues to jabber on with her hysterics.
"Well Sir, you Americans have always done things wrong."
"What are you talking about?"
"You drive on the wrong side of the road... you speak the wrong language... and now you've thrown the wrong bloody bitch out the window."
A guy goes into the chippy and asks for a portion of cod and chips
"We don't have any cod" says the the girl behind the counter.
"I'll have cod and a saveloy, then" says the guy
"I just told you we don't have any cod" says the girl
"What about cod and a wally?" says the guy
"Look" says the girl "How do you spell 'fish'?"
" F-I-S-H" says the guy
"And how many effs is that?" says the girl
"one" says the guy
"and how many effs in COD?" says the girl
"There isn't any eff in cod" says the guy...
"Well that's what I'VE been trying to tell YOU!"
I thang yew!
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