Everybody's gone surfing......

SURFING USA!

Okay -- as many of you know, I am taking my youth group down to San Diego for Surf Camp. Yes, some fools trust me with their children.
No, I've never surfed before.
Yes, I am going to try.
No, I do not plan to date any of the surferdudes!

I'm taking my laptop -- on the outside chance that I can find a connection
--geez, sounds like an addiction, eh?
"S'cuse me? Have you got wireless?"
"Get outa here, bum!"

If I find a wireless spot (Swe-eet!) I'll post some pics and stories.

Otherwise, look for me on Friday!!

Later, dudes and dudettes!!

APj

All that matters now is Jayne… what Jayne wants, what Jayne needs

While trapsing about Blogland, I stumbled upon this at TME’s site. Also – thomcat has written some hot stuff on TME's site as well...
-- I went to the store at least twice, and have printed it out for future store runs

The Internet seems to have the answer for just about everything. You simply use a search engine and type in what you’re looking for. “Eureka!” I thought, “I’ll ask Google what it is that I need.” So I went to Google, typed in '(real name used) needs”

The title for this post was one of the first solutions! Isn't that similar "It's All About Me?" Hmmmm....I may be on to something.......what's next--

APj needs a plan
Duh! That’s not much help. Isn’t that why we’re trying this Google thing?

APj needs date
Okay – Google is starting to sound like my entire Rogue bunch. Lecram’s even threatening to find a P.F. don’t ask….

APj needs to check in before I send Bond out to find her
Which Bond are you sending!?!?!?!? Forget that, I really don’t care which one you send. Although, Lelly will get awfully angry if I do Daniel Craig. Hmmmmm…..just call me Moneypenny!

APj needs to go man
Actually….I think this was a typo. I think it should be “APj needs a go-to man.” ‘Nuff said.

APj is a dog
I think this is just a polite way of saying, “APj is a bitch.” …..you say “bitch” like it’s a bad thing…..

APj needs a good smack
…and her hair pulled too!

APj needs to learn some manners
Fuck you. Oh….did I say that aloud? Sorry. Asshole.

APj needs some appreciation
Yeah, damnit! On your knees! Oh…what’s that? That’s worship? Okay! Works for me!

APj needs to be sedated
“20-20-20-4 hours a day!” Ya’ gotta love the Ramones…..(even though I used to think they were singing, “20-20-20-4 hours a day! I want a piece of Katy”)

APj is unable to function
This is not necessarily true. She may be rusty…..but we think that all battlestations are go.

APj, Please...the east coast needs you
Hey – they had their chance…..

BUT we need to get APj out
Okay, okay!! Kinda beating a dead horse, aren’t ya?

.....and finally......

If I were alone in a room with APj , I would _____.
Don’t cha’ just luv audience participation?

Happy Birthday Erynn!!!!

She calls herself “Erynn with 2 NN’s and a Y”
Which makes her Mama cry,
And smile, because she knows
She was supposed
To be at least an Eryn,
But probably so much more.

Erynn breathes in average air,
Exhales without a (seeming) care,
But poetry flows and dances,
Taking daring chances,
Leaps and rolls off her tongue.

With her hand, she touches canvas
Mixing shades and colors in sensual bliss
Orange Girl, Pencil butterflies,
Whales and seahorses, sharing eyes
Come to life with a sweep of her brush.

My sweet poet, with a painters touch
It’s overwhelming to me that such
A magical and talented life that begun
within my body, is now twenty-one.

Happy Birthday Sweetie! I love you!

Survey SAYS!

So, in the best blogger tradition, I have stole this from Lime, who stole it from someone else, who stole it.....you get the picture.

Have you ever.....
Gotten stuck in an elevator? Yes. But that was nothing! One time, my daughter and I got stuck on “Space Mountain” at Disneyland! They had to turn on the lights, help us out of the car, and walk us down the ride. Did you know that there’s a picnic table at the bottom for the workers to eat lunch at?

Egged a person? …..was playing the egg toss game at a company picnic. Purposefully threw the egg hard enough to break on Voldemort (exhusband). Hey, I never said I was nice….

Stalked someone to find out where they work or live? No. Just because you: find out where they live, where they work, where they have lunch, where they buy food, gas and snacks, just because you drive by their house on the way to Madera, Clovis, the Tower, Riverpark, Kansas and Oregon……doesn’t mean you’re stalking them…..

Spent an entire day in nothing but your underwear? Yup. Why do you think the first question I ask when you answer the phone is, “What are you wearing?”

Read some friends mail or other personal papers without them knowing? Yup. How else am I supposed to get all that info that makes me look so intuitive?Gone skinny dipping? Yup. But….(butt….) my fave was the time we “almost” went skinning dipping. Gorgeous Joe Skradski. Hmmmmm….blog story coming soon!!!!!

Been in a fist fight? Yup. A few, actually. But the best was in 6th grade. Gino Harris kicked me while I was sitting down, minding my own business. I ignored/warned on the first two. After the third kick, I stood up on gave him a left punch to his arm. He grabbed my hair and tried to bite me. Shocked, I gave him a hard left hook to his chin, and uttered the phrase that haunted him for the rest of junior high: “YOU FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.."

Last....
Time you tripped? At an all school assembly last year – over one of my students sprawled out legs

Time you cleaned up the base of your toilet? On Tuesday, because I had company coming. Donned my potty gloves. Why potty gloves? Because I have potty issues, and I can’t touch the potty with my bare hands….but the gloves I use on the potty can’t be used for anything else.

Gum you had? .38 oh G – U – M. that would be Extra Bubble Gun --- err gum.

Pair of socks? The socks are also divorcing and splitting up at my house. They are all single. Mad sock orgy in the sock drawer: black with white, sport with knee…..totally disgusting….

Beverage you had? Hmmm.. water today. But I did have a big girl drink (alcohol) last night. But only one – no worries – “Drunk Jayne” was not out last night…

Spur of the moment decision you made? Many. Some good, some not so good. I try to keep the spur decisions to the ones likely to do the least amount of damage. Like what flavor ice cream to eat…

Movie you watched? All, thank you. Shhh…..don’t tell, but I’ve seen Pirates 3 three times……

What would you....
Say if your best friend told you they love you? Say it back, and hope he turns into a prince.

Right now.....
What are you wearing? I’m naked. (please refer to the above question regarding underwear-all-day). But actually, I’ve got a pink-polka-dotted cami and white drawstring pants. With no panties…..

What are you thinking? Do you still want me?

What are you listening to? As always, the voices in my head. And kien’s CD.

What would you like to be listening to? Someone whispering, “Damn Little Fox, where’d you learn to kiss like that?”

Are you annoyed by the length of this survey? It’s a survey?!?!?!? Do I get a prize!?!?!?!?

Are you tired? Not yet. I can go for hours. Four hours? Fore ours? I'm so confused....perhaps I should lay down.....

How many people in the room? One physical body, a few ghosts, one or two skeltons in the closet, a baritone warbler, and the multitude in my mind…

Any cuts or bruises on your body? Nope. At least none on the outside.....but yes, cut and bruised inside...

Are there any animals in the room? Not physically.

Are you eating anything? Not nobody, not no how!

People who I would like to do this? I’m not telling you the people I’d like to do!!! Ya’ll know who I’d like to do!!!!
But applications are available between 7-9am, Friday-Sunday.

.....but it's so true!!!

Your Birthdate: November 5

You have many talents, and you are great at sharing those talents with others. I do so-o-o-o want to share my talents.....with others..... Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too likeable to elicit jealousy. Yes, yes, you WANT to be jealous of me.....but I'm so absotively posilutely likeable! I'm so "Sally Fields!" "You like me! You really like me!" Progressive and original, you're usually thinking up cutting edge ideas. Actually, Lecram is usually the one who is thinking up cutting edge ideas. I'm usually thinking of cutting up someone's edges.... Quick witted and fast thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges. DUH!!!! Your strength: Your superhuman brainpower Your weakness: Your susceptibility to boredom susceptibility to boredom? Is that like A.D.D.? Your power color: Tangerine Your power symbol: Ace Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Takin Care of Business, Country Style...

So….ya’ll know that APj’s gotta gun…..and yes, before we go any further, she does know how and when to use it. Like one night....long long ago... Voldemort was away on his annual “Kill Bambi” trip……

“Mr. Depp! You’ve got to climb—“
“APj! How many times have I told you? Just call me Johnny-“
“Johnny! It’s time! You’ve got to climb out of the plane…..omigawd! Why am I nekkid? I didn’t—“

CRASH!
“Shit!” I cussed, as I sat bolt up in bed.
CRASH!
“Double shit!” cussing again as I realized that I wasn’t on a nude skydive with Johnny Depp. I was alone in bed. The sound of busting glass and the barking dog meant that I wasn’t alone in the house.
“shitshitshitshit,” I muttered retrieving the gun from the nightstand. “I knew I shoulda moved the phone in here.”
And then – that other voice in my brain started talking.
“What are you doing?”
“I gotta go see what’s happening.”
“What’s happening?!?!?! Stupid! Someone’s in the kitchen! That’s what’s”
“Would you shut up!?!?!? I’ve got to think”
“You don’t gotta think! You gotta get out of the house – now! Just go—“
“I can’t just go! Erynn’s sleeping – what about—“
“What are you doing!?!?!? Don’t go down the hall—“
“I’ve got to. I’ve got to see—“
“Don’t you rememberthose horror movies? We’re always saying, ‘Don’t open that door, don’t open that door?’ And then some stupid bitch opens the door and bam! She’s dead. Do you wanna be dead? No? So go back to the bed—“
“Would you stop being so loud in my brain?!? I’ve gotta get this all right: Gun not pointed up—“
“yeah – ain’t that the truth. They always do that in the cop shows—“
“Shh!! Gun at body/chest level. Don’t hold the gun too far away from your body”
“Damn straight! Cause Freddy Krueger will just knock it out of your”
“Would you just shut your mouth!?!? Damn I wish the dog would stop barking!”
“Sure you do – cause then she’d be DEAD! Killed by the escaped murderer hiding in your kitchen right—“
“Stop it! This is it! Either help me or shutthefuckup!”

I came around the corner, gun at chest level, close to my body, and not pointed to the ceiling. “Don’t move muthafucker!” I screamed, as I began to squeeze the trigger.

Thankfully, I was able to stop the squeeze……..which meant that the refrigerator did not die that evening.

Yes, I said refrigerator – for that is what I almost took out with my .38. You see, the 4 large glass panels in my ceiling light had come crashing down at the same time.

Crashing glass, barking dog, and one badass Momma with a .38.

Hmmm.......

I loved how well I was done by all…..nasty as it sounds. Sometimes it’s fun to see the differences between how you view yourself, and how others view you. So, for your entertainment and enjoyment…..

I will do myself:

Dominant top who finds herself
transitioning into Intuitive follower
Social loner in jeans with killer shoes (bare toes)
Cute overlyplayfull kitten planning
Hiding the TenderTeddy under warm flannel sheets
Vanilla talkative on the outside, dreamy sexy hidden insideWindow shopping on vodka
For the nerd with brawn. But with enough common sense to always choose brain over brawn


Okay, my friends. Thanks for allowing me a few narcissitic days.

DO ME!!!!

yes...yes I'm still practicing the line. I'm sure the opportunity will arise (pun intended) sometime in the next decade.....
But until then, I've stolen this from Solitaire, and thought it might be fun to play:

pick one word from each pair that you think describes APJ the best and leave it in the comments. Then i'll do you!! -- Your heart should be racing about now...
--then copy this and post it in your own journal(if you want to do so)to see how your friends view you.

*dominant or submissive
*logical or intuitive
*social or loner
*kinky or vanilla
*cute or sophisticated
*kitten or puppy
*warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
*leader or follower
*quiet or talkative
*spontaneous or planned
*teddy bear or porcelain doll
*hiking or window shopping
*tequila or vodka
*top or bottom
*bare foot or shoes
*jeans or slacks
*tender or rough
*aware or dreamy
*nerd or jock
*brains or brawn
*common sense or book smarts
*pretty or sexy

How'd You Do?????

So-o-o-o-o….How well do you know APJ?
Ms. KFarmer got 4 right, Lime got 2 right, and both Jade Ed and SGL were correct in their incorrect answers –
--does that make sense?!?!?! Perhaps people (Jade Ed and SGL) need to go back to school and learn that part about reading directions…..

1. JOBS.
I have never been an intern at anything, and I assure you that my A.D.D. would kick in to super hyper drive if I had to look at microchips all day. Although I do love to dance (thanks Lime for thinking I could have been an exotic dancer….you made my day!), and I would love to take one of those pole-dancing aerobic classes (strictly for the exercise, of course), no one has ever paid me to dance, exotic or otherwise. Although there was that one time at Band Camp…..

But – surprise, surprise – I’ve been teaching Sunday School for 20 years. Yes, yes, I know. Somehow it just “doesn’t fit.” To borrow a favorite line from the movie, Michael, -- “I’m not that kind of angel.”

2. MOVIES
Hi, my name is Jayne, and I am a movieaholic. I love all movies – can’t stand to wait for them to come out -- don’t mind watching a movie more than once….and sometimes 5 times! But Uma and John just don’t hold a candle to Kate. I have been known to stay up all night because “Bringing Up Baby” or “Adam’s Rib” is being shown on TNT. What a classy woman she was.

3. PLACES I’VE LIVED
This one was easy – if you thought about it. I am a military brat – so everywhere I lived was near an AirForceBase. Only one that fits the bill is Plattsburgh, NY. I remember ice skating on the lake, crossing the ferry to Montreal…..oh yeah, one more thing: Although the dreams started in Merced, the original setting for the “Lady with the Flashlight Eyes” was here.

4 T.V. SHOWS
Hi. My name is Jayne. I was the oldest known Buffy fan……until I hooked my mother on it. Hey – rent the first two seasons. Watch them. And then call me and tell me you don’t wanna know what happens next. Go ahead. I dare you.

5. VACATION/DESTINATION:
Germany and New Zealand are on my Vacation/Destination list….. but I have been to China. Went in February 2005 with my sister and her family to pickup my new niece. I am going to Virginia to see them in August…..I can’t wait!

6. FAVORITE FOOD
Omelettes are good – but usually too big. Tuna fish is not people food – it is cat food. Haven’t you ever noticed that the cat tins and the Chicken of the Sea cans are the same size? I rest my case. But…..I love pancakes!!!!! That’s why I really don’t know how I gave up white flour for Lent. What WAS I THINKING!?!?!?!? Note to self: Do not do that again – especially during the Rogue. Note to kien: thank you for building barricades around your pancakes. Note to Jade: thanks for always telling me that your waffle was yucky.




7. ALTERNATIVE ACTIVITIES:
I don’t really sleep very much – although I do enjoy it. Making Love? What’s that? Is it an appetizer? A Main course? Some kind of origami? Note to self: Look this up after posting.


8. IN MY PURSE:
I usually have dental floss in my purse – although if I’ve run out, Jade Ed usually has some. I never have money with me – I find that I do better with my debit card. Condoms? You’ve got to be kidding. Those aren’t in my purse…. You know I have three things in the drawer next to my bed……..

WANNA PLAY A GAME?

Okay, I saw this on Boo’s site – and it reminded me of a game I play with my students.
--No, not those kinds of games (you sickos) – I leave THOSE kinds of games to the teachers in our south valley and in Florida. I am not, have not, and will never be, attracted to my students.
Unless Mr(s). Pitt/Clooney/Depp decide to repeat the 7th grade…
but I digress—

This game is called “2 Lies and 1 Truth” Each statement is followed by 2 answers that are false, and 1 that is true. I do this to see how well my students know me, to see what assumptions they may make, etc.

So-o-o-o-o….How well do you know APJ?
Please respond with your answers -- and I will let you know who the winner is.....and what the winner wins.
Hey....it's my game, so-o-o-, it's my rules-schmules.


1. Job i’ve had in my life
a. exotic dancer
b. intern @ intel
c. Sunday School teacher

2. movie i'd watch over & over:
a. anything Uma Thurman
b. anything Katherine Hepburn
c. anything John Travolta

3. place i've lived:
a. Austin, TX
b. Ontario, Canada
c. Plattsburgh, NY

4. tv show i love/loved to watch:
a. 24
b. Buffy/Vampire Slayer
c. Law and Order SVU

5. place i've been on vacation:
a. New Zealand
b. Germany
c. China

6. One of my favorite foods:
a. pancakes
b. omelette
c. tuna fish

7. something i'd rather be doing right now:
a. sleeping
b. making love
c. making love

8. Something i always/usually carry with me:
a. $$$$
b. condoms
c. dental floss

THE BATHTUB TEST

Okay - I'm working on a poem...but am getting hassled for a post. And thankfully, my sister, JoJo sent me this in my email this morning:

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

First Kiss

Okay – I had a dream the other night. Great dream! All about – well, let’s just say that I woke up smiling. I’m working on a poem about the dream – may be done over the weekend. Maybe not.
But the dream got me thinking/reminiscing. Do you remember your first kiss? I don’t mean that first lips-brush-or-almost-touch kiss. I mean, your first-skyrockets-in-flight kiss. I do. I was almost fifteen –
--hey, I started late. Made up for lost time. What can I say?

--I was almost fifteen……Lincoln Nebraska…….Hot summer night……..Brother’s best friend……

Susan and Jayne were sitting on the front step, enjoying the rare cool evening breeze.
“He’s so hot!”
“Shhhhh, Susan! He’s gonna hear you”
“So! He is so-o-o-o fine! I think you oughta kiss him,” Susan challenged, “Comeon! Dontcha even think about kissing him?”
“Think about it!?!?!?” Jayne thought to herself, “It’s ALL I think about.”
“How long was he at St. Francis Hone for Boys? Was he there the whole time your brother was?”
“Yes! Now shut up! He’s coming!”
Mike came around the corner of the house, all badboy swagger, guitar in hand.
“Hey, little foxes! What’s kicking?”
“Oh nothing,” replied Susan as she stood, “But I’ve gotta jet! I haveta babysit the demons down the street! Later, toothless-gator!”
Jayne gave their standard reply, “Yeah! ‘be wise, bubble-eyes!”
Jayne suddenly realized that Mike was still standing over her. “What about you, little fox? You gonna run home too? Or you wanna hang with me?”
Jayne felt an unfamiliar warmth spread from her ears to her toes. The blush left her unsteady as she rose to his challenge, and with all the breath and bravado she could muster she retorted, “Home! Silly boy! I’m already home – don’t gotta run nowheres! Where you gonna hang?’
The last gleam of the setting sun bounced off his blonde hair, and planted itself firmly in his left green eye. With a nod of his head he leaned in and whispered, “Going up to the schoolyard.” He leaned in a bit closer. “ Gonna finish that song I sang you.” He leaned in even closer. “Wanna go?” His mustached lips grazed Jayne’s cheek, and Jayne felt the color rise again. “How ‘bout it, little fox? Think you can hang?”
For the first and possibly only time, the quick retort eluded Jayne. “Um-hmm,” was all she could say.

The schoolyard was dimly lit. The Motocross boys were over in corner – jumping the stairs. Jayne was vaguely aware that a basketball game going on. She felt the bark of the tree scratching her back. But all she could hear was Mike, guitar, and the end of his song. “-But this is all I have to give.”
“Geez, Mike. That’s a beautiful song. Who’s it for?”
“Her name was Amanda. But I don’t want to talk about her.” Mike set the guitar down and lazed out on the ground, gazing upward, propped up on his elbows. “You’ve got the most amazing eyes.” He scooted closer, placing his head in Jayne’s lap. “What color are your eyes, anyway?” He brushed Jayne’s stray hair back in place, but left his hand in her hair, pulling her face closer, as if to see, “I thought they were blue – but in this light they look green” and he pulled her face even closer—
Jayne felt as if her heart were going to leap from her chest. He smelled like the woods – overwhelming and intoxicating all at once. “Holy shit,” she thought. “I think he’s going to kiss me! He’ll be able to tell that I’ve never—“
“Ah, I see little fox! They’re blue and green. Such dangerous eyes for such a young little fox—“
And Jayne felt the brush of his mustache just to the left of her lower lip. Instinctively she turned towards the tickle, and found her lips entwined with Mikes. His tongue ever so gently caressed first her upper, then her lower lip, and then cautiously ventured in.
Jayne’s heart was racing. It seemed that every spot on her face touched by his tongue was atingle and aquiver. She grew brave, sending her tongue into his mouth, tasting him. She no longer heard the bikes or the basketball, she only heard her heart racing. She no longer felt the tree behind her or the ground beneath. In fact, she found her hands in his hair and on his chest, pulling him closer because she felt like she was floating, knocked off her feet.
“Whoa, little fox. Where’d you learn to kiss like that? Your brother’ll kick my ass, this goes any further…”
Slowly standing up, Mike offered a hand to Jayne, as she stumbled. “Looks like you’re a bit dizzy—“
Jayne found enough breath to muster, “Musta been the kiss.”


postscript: No, this is not the same Mike I was married to. But, if I count this one, it means that I've had five (count them, 5) Mikes. I cannot date another Mike. Although I really do like the name....obviously....I just can't.

Here I go....again!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about APj!

1. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about APj!
2. The average duration of sexual intercourse for APj is two minutes.
3. Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from APj.
4. APj will often glow under UV light!
5. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating APj from each salad served in first class.
6. APj is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
7. APj was originally called Cheerioats.
8. APj is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
9. It is impossible to fold APj more than seven times.
10. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are APj.

1. Are you scratching your ear? Stop talking about me! Still scratching?

2. This is so wrong......sex must first be STARTED before there can be any DURATION!

3. Kien? Marcel? Care to shed any light on this one?

4. & 6. Hey. Play the right notes on said instrument and I can guarantee glow - UV light or not!

5. Frick American Airlines. and Frick First class while we're at it.

7. Wrong, again. I was originally called SuperSugarSmacks.

8. Not stripped -- err I mean STRIPED at all. Geez -- where do they get this info? STAR Magazine!?!?!?

9. Trust me. You'd be lucky to get her folded twice, let alone seven times. And why would we want to fold her seven times!?!?

10. This is just an outright, blatant lie. If I was doing this much dating, I probably could be folded seven times.....

Sunday's Prayer

I have morning and evening bits I do, that involve reading, thinking, writing, and conversing. One of my bits this morning included the line, "Do not fear, only believe" which
has been/is/and will continue to be one of my favorites.

But simple as it sounds, it is something I struggle with -- letting go of the fear in so many different situations. I decided to really allow myself to be vulnerable - to "not fear, only believe" -- and share my conversation:

Do not fear, only believe.
But believing means that I’ve got to step off the mountain, step off the cliff
Dive into air
And travel at a speed approaching sound and light
As a feather, but I’m heavy like a rock
And rocks can’t fly, they fall
Not free
Just fall

So You call to me “Do not fear, only believe”
But I tried that, and look where it got me
Got milk?
So catchy, but I’m becoming more lactose intoler
Ranting on and on boring myself, boring
Holes into my own brain and psyche.
Psyching myself up again to believe
I can fly,
Not fall,
But fly.

And You encourage me, “Do not fear, only believe”
But where do You get off telling to not fear,
When fear is a dish You’ve never really tasted?
Yes, Pain was your main
Coursed through your vein, but fear? Never
Fear, for You knew for certain what lay at the end of your rocky road
Ice cream.

I scream, “How can I not fear?
Fair it is not! And damn it I do believe
That I can fly! But I also know I could die
Jumping off that cliff
Diving into the air.
I know that I could fall
Not free,
Just fall
Like a rock.

And again, You whisper,
“Do not fear, only believe…..”