So….ya’ll know that APj’s gotta gun…..and yes, before we go any further, she does know how and when to use it. Like one night....long long ago... Voldemort was away on his annual “Kill Bambi” trip……
“Mr. Depp! You’ve got to climb—“
“APj! How many times have I told you? Just call me Johnny-“
“Johnny! It’s time! You’ve got to climb out of the plane…..omigawd! Why am I nekkid? I didn’t—“
“Shit!” I cussed, as I sat bolt up in bed.
“Double shit!” cussing again as I realized that I wasn’t on a nude skydive with Johnny Depp. I was alone in bed. The sound of busting glass and the barking dog meant that I wasn’t alone in the house.
“shitshitshitshit,” I muttered retrieving the gun from the nightstand. “I knew I shoulda moved the phone in here.”
And then – that other voice in my brain started talking.
“What are you doing?”
“I gotta go see what’s happening.”
“What’s happening?!?!?! Stupid! Someone’s in the kitchen! That’s what’s”
“Would you shut up!?!?!? I’ve got to think”
“You don’t gotta think! You gotta get out of the house – now! Just go—“
“I can’t just go! Erynn’s sleeping – what about—“
“What are you doing!?!?!? Don’t go down the hall—“
“I’ve got to. I’ve got to see—“
“Don’t you rememberthose horror movies? We’re always saying, ‘Don’t open that door, don’t open that door?’ And then some stupid bitch opens the door and bam! She’s dead. Do you wanna be dead? No? So go back to the bed—“
“Would you stop being so loud in my brain?!? I’ve gotta get this all right: Gun not pointed up—“
“yeah – ain’t that the truth. They always do that in the cop shows—“
“Shh!! Gun at body/chest level. Don’t hold the gun too far away from your body”
“Damn straight! Cause Freddy Krueger will just knock it out of your”
“Would you just shut your mouth!?!? Damn I wish the dog would stop barking!”
“Sure you do – cause then she’d be DEAD! Killed by the escaped murderer hiding in your kitchen right—“
“Stop it! This is it! Either help me or shutthefuckup!”
I came around the corner, gun at chest level, close to my body, and not pointed to the ceiling. “Don’t move muthafucker!” I screamed, as I began to squeeze the trigger.
Thankfully, I was able to stop the squeeze……..which meant that the refrigerator did not die that evening.
Yes, I said refrigerator – for that is what I almost took out with my .38. You see, the 4 large glass panels in my ceiling light had come crashing down at the same time.
Crashing glass, barking dog, and one badass Momma with a .38.