Saturday, July 22, 2006

Takin Care of Business, Country Style...

So….ya’ll know that APj’s gotta gun…..and yes, before we go any further, she does know how and when to use it. Like one night....long long ago... Voldemort was away on his annual “Kill Bambi” trip……

“Mr. Depp! You’ve got to climb—“
“APj! How many times have I told you? Just call me Johnny-“
“Johnny! It’s time! You’ve got to climb out of the plane…..omigawd! Why am I nekkid? I didn’t—“

Shit!” I cussed, as I sat bolt up in bed.
Double shit!” cussing again as I realized that I wasn’t on a nude skydive with Johnny Depp. I was alone in bed. The sound of busting glass and the barking dog meant that I wasn’t alone in the house.
shitshitshitshit,” I muttered retrieving the gun from the nightstand. “I knew I shoulda moved the phone in here.”
And then – that other voice in my brain started talking.
What are you doing?”
I gotta go see what’s happening.”
What’s happening?!?!?! Stupid! Someone’s in the kitchen! That’s what’s
Would you shut up!?!?!? I’ve got to think”
You don’t gotta think! You gotta get out of the house – now! Just go—
I can’t just go! Erynn’s sleeping – what about—“
What are you doing!?!?!? Don’t go down the hall—“
I’ve got to. I’ve got to see—“
Don’t you rememberthose horror movies? We’re always saying, ‘Don’t open that door, don’t open that door?’ And then some stupid bitch opens the door and bam! She’s dead. Do you wanna be dead? No? So go back to the bed—“
Would you stop being so loud in my brain?!? I’ve gotta get this all right: Gun not pointed up—“
yeah – ain’t that the truth. They always do that in the cop shows—“
Shh!! Gun at body/chest level. Don’t hold the gun too far away from your body
Damn straight! Cause Freddy Krueger will just knock it out of your
Would you just shut your mouth!?!? Damn I wish the dog would stop barking!”
Sure you do – cause then she’d be DEAD! Killed by the escaped murderer hiding in your kitchen right—“
Stop it! This is it! Either help me or shutthefuckup!”

I came around the corner, gun at chest level, close to my body, and not pointed to the ceiling. “Don’t move muthafucker!” I screamed, as I began to squeeze the trigger.

Thankfully, I was able to stop the squeeze……..which meant that the refrigerator did not die that evening.

Yes, I said refrigerator – for that is what I almost took out with my .38. You see, the 4 large glass panels in my ceiling light had come crashing down at the same time.

Crashing glass, barking dog, and one badass Momma with a .38.


KFarmer said...

OMG! Too funny! I have a story such as yours only it was the husband sneaking in the bathroom window.. lol! Dumb-shit...

lime said...

mr lime and my oldest daughter are hunters so we have rifles and shot guns. mr lime also has a hand gun. i am very comfortable with the big stuff but i have to admit the hand gun scares me.

lecram sinun said...

Ranchos: Friday - the deadly fridge murderer was finally apprehended today as police surrounded the the home appliance section of Best Buy. "This is the end of one of the most frighetning eras in California crime." said Chief Dyer. "The citizens of this state can now cool and freeze with freedom once more."

The fridge killer was identified by a 7th grader last week at Circuit City.... more here...

Mintzworks said...

Apj, you have GOT to write a short play for the Rogue next year!!! I bet I know a certain Jade Ed girl that might help you and direct it!!

Mustang said...

Damn girl..

There is something truly amazing, and sexy about a redhead with a sidearm!

"You gonna stand there and bleed...or ya gonna draw that smoke wagon?"


airplanejayne said...

K - Husband was quite good about calling prior to returning from Bambi-killing trips.

Lime - hmmmm....not gonna touch the whole "big stuff" vs. "hand stuff".....err.....guess I just did

Lecram - Damn! I knew I shouldn't have let the 7th grader pass!

Mintz - thinking about some possibilities....nothing concrete...

Mustang - You wear the toolbelt, I'll wear my sidearm.....

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

holding it close to your chest and firing could cause some significant injuries when it bucks (bruises, possibly stitches in your chin and mouth, and a few busted teeth -thank god you didn't fire the thing...
-loaded in a nightstand, (at least get a trigger lock, please? you can put the key in a pillow book or wear it around your neck or some girlie thing...
(now that 500+ readers knows you keep it there... (maybe another hiding spot?,)-when somebody breaks in, they like to find an homeowner with a gun as a surprise, (it really makes their night.)
-if not protecting anyone
-get OUT of the house,
(grab a horse, and shoot 'em cowboy, er, cowgirl style... heck, in a nightie, you can even post HNT after the dust settles.)

-and what was bringing down the glass panels???