Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Back in the Saddle....so to speak

Aw, come on APj, it’s… it’s just like falling off a bike…

Is that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard? I mean, do you remember falling off a bike?!?!?! I mean, if you were riding a “cool” bike - a boy’s bike, regardless of your own gender and all – and you were standing up and pumping your way
--geez, just went to the store…

-anyhoo, you were pumping away, and your foot slipped, and
BAM! (Just like that cook on T.V.)

BAM!

...Ya’ KNOW ya’ just tried to put PEEING off as long as you could, cause you knew it was gonna burn the next time you peed.

“….just like falling off a bike….”

Who the frick came up with that saying anyway!?!?!?

I remember another time I fell off a bike:
I was twelve or thirteen (or so) and my best friend Trish (the dish) and I were riding around the neighborhood. I know I was at least twelve, cause I had my cool ten-speed. Well, almost cool. It was white. I wanted blue. So my Dad painted it blue. Only, then you couldn’t tell that it was a “NAMEBRAND” bike – it looked ‘GENERIC.” Which was only a little important….

-I digress. Sorry.

Trish and I were riding, and some boys were chasing us about. Actually, they were chasing Trish around. ‘cause she was Trish the Dish. Me? Way before the “Airplane Jayne” days – err…..I was “Jayne the pain.”

::sigh::
no wonder I grew up to fling my body from planes…..

--Apologies again. I’m so easily distracted these days.

So, we’re riding around, being chased by cute (as cute as 12 yr olds can be) boys, when one of the uglier ones (naturally) runs his bike into mine.

--let me see if I understand

Dating 101
Kindergarten – throw rocks to show interest
Middle school – run into with bike to show interest.
What should I be looking for now in my forties?

Someone to plow over me with their car!?!?!
(yes, yes, went to the store as soon as I said plowed over)

Back to me at 12yrs old:
I leaped from my bike. I’m trying to do so gracefully, so as to impress my ugly suitor. Alas, to no avail, as I land on my own back tire. –err, I mean my bike’s back tire, not my ass. I stand up, brush myself off, and casually look down at my left foot.

--which looks funny……there’s a space…..a rather large space…..next to my big toe…..

Holy shit!”
What Jayne?”
Holy shit, Trish!”
What?”
Holy shit! My toe’s gone. My fucking toe is gone!”

Yes, damnit, I cussed. I do that when I’m
a. drunk (Drunk Jayne in her own front yard is fricking funny)
b. in pain. (Drunk Jayne usually feels very little pain)


So Trish …..Trish begins to dig in the gutters for my toe.

I mean – is that a true friend or what? She is digging through all the muck and gunk in the gutter for my toe. And the boys – the boys? Hell, if it was Trish the Dish’s toe they’d have been digging too, I’m sure. But for Jayne the pain – nope, they were adios, adieu, bye-bye.
I took a step towards the gutter, to lend a hand for my toe, and felt something squishy under my foot.

uhhhh, Trish
Yeah?”
Nevermind. I think I found my toe.”
Where?”
Under my foot.”
Is it – allthewayoff?”

My four point inspection verified that said toe was still mostly attached, and so Trish pumped me (so not going to the store on that one – don’t swing that way) home, with me carefully and tenderly holding my foot.

Upon arrival, Mom shoos me to the car, off to the emergency ward, and, nine stitches later sums up the entire episode with these wise words:
That’s why you should always wear shoes when you ride your bike.”

Hmpfh.
“just like falling off a bike.”

Yeah….right. All ya’ll can keep your fricking realistic and metaphoric bikes.

I’m not interested anymore. Walking suits me just fine.

But I ST-T-T-I-I-I-L-L-L luv ya....

6 comments:

lime said...

oh my lord jayne....ya shoulda warned me. i was trying to eat breakfast here!

i dunno what it is with the friggin bikes and sayings but my own.....

i was about 12 or 13, like you, i cam e downstairs chewing a big wad of bubble gum and blowing bubbles. mom asked where i was going. i said i was going to ride my bike. her jerk boyfriend of the month said, 'you're too klutzy to ride bike and chew gum at the same time.' i ignored him and went out to ride. 5 minutes later i came back after having fallen off my bike and scraping several layers of skin off my knee (yeah, big drips of blood running down my leg). i think i may have 'accidentally' gotten some on the bf's coat that was hanging on a chair.

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

ugh...

okay, first off, the phrases are:

'-It's as easy as falling off a log.'

or

'..It's like riding a bike, once you learn how, you can always come back to it.'

(two different phrases.)

What you're dealing with is a hybrid (half) quote or a missquote..
(IE: -Is the Pope Catholic? Does a Bear shit in the woods? (ergo -the 80's resurgance of 'Does the Pope Shit in the Woods?) ---Which John Paul 2 no doubtably did, as he was an avid hiker.
(He was also an avid Biker, -but had a thing for motorcycles, actually.)

...and yes, as one who owns several bikes, (one of which shuttled my backside (and,) various important things (such as money,) I think you should hold at least 20 percent of your vehemence towards bikes off, and have a small caveat '...well, they're not ALL bad...'

no comment on the constant trips to the store...
(yeeks girl, you fiddle with yourself a LOT...)

(...and they say men are obsessed with their tally-wackers...)

----How's your voice doin???

Lacquer, Semi-Gloss Lacquer said...

...of course, above comment about 'fiddling,' is about your hitherto unknown spectacular violin abilities... (of course.)

KFarmer said...

First really cool bike- April 1972 2 grade- Purple w/glittery metallic banana seat with the big (sissy?) bar in back. Busted my ass and elbows the day I got it riding in a circle in the middle of the street with about 5 other kids. I was bleeding so bad my brother put me on his handlebars and took me home- Dad took one look at me and threw the bike into the storage building (you know the kind in base housing) on top of the junk so I couldn't get to it. I stared up at it everyday until he finally relented- then I took off across the field and didn't come back all that day. She was my First Taste of Freedom and a beaut-

I don't have one now and it's probably a good thing, even though I want one. I would probably be nothing but road rash and rasberries- walking suits me too :)

Cosima said...

I think you should do a meme out of your post... "worst bike-riding memory". Mine was the classic one... my father said "yes, I will hold on to your saddle... don't you worry!". I paddled like crazy down our street, then I turned my head to smile to my father... he was way behind, I could hardly see him. I panicked, and drove into the next bush. Still remember it like it was yesterday.

airplanejayne said...

to all: thanks for your bike stories! Love that we all fall down.