Tagged by Solitaire

I was tagged by the ever-sexy Solitaire with the number 5. Now, I have done this and other very similar things before, but did not want to let Sol down...besides....it is a new purse and all...




5 things found in your bag:
A. condom. But it’s not mine, really! Solitaire gave it to me. And it doesn’t have an expiration date on it, so it's probably not okay to use it. Not that I get much opportunity...
B. banana. Well, maybe I could practice with item A.
C. Starbucks coffee bean sampler. But I broke my grinder (don’t ask), so I guess I’ll be chewing these…
D. a new package of batteries. None-a-yer-bizness.
E. Certificate of Completion. I can’t tell you what it’s for, except that it has nothing to do with A, B, or C. Hmmm…..maybe it has something to do with D!!!!!!

5 favorite things in your room:
A. My Queen-size bed. I love my bed!!!! You wanna come check it out?
B. My window. From my bed, I can see my horses in the mornings, and the stars at night.
C. The color of my walls: a soft green. Voldemort was a white-wall kind of guy. ‘nuff said.
D. A stack of books to read
E. Ummm…..it’s one of three things in my nightstand drawer.

5 things you have always wanted to do:
A. Have someone fall in love with me at first sight.
B. Ride in the space shuttle
C. Be in Times Square on New Years Eve
D. Travel to London
E. My show (okay, yes, I know I’ve done this. But I want to do it again – and better!)

5 things you are currently into:
A. Brutal self-reflection (all will be fine in the end. this I know)
B. Cheez-it Crackers. I don’t know why, but I’ve been craving these constantly!
C. Battlestar Gallactica. No, not the 70’s version – the new one on the Sci-Fi channel. This is the final season – and it is so fraking good. I wanna be Starbuck.
D. Um…..it’s one of the three things in my nightstand drawer.
E. Procrastination. I’m planning on giving this one up. Maybe tomorrow.


5 people you’d like to tag:
A. Brad Pitt
B. George Clooney
C. Ti
Oh….not that kind of tag? ….nevermind…..

Carly Simon Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye

So....Marcel had me listening to a Cole Porter compilation the other day. No, this wasn't one of the artists, but damn! This woman can sing it , eh?

Wawona Middle School 50th Anniversary

I was asked to put together a video for my schools 50th anniversary. Yes, you're right, you won't know anyone but me (at 2:56, 3:08, 3:26, 3:41 and 3:49), but ain't knowing me the bomb!?!?

Deep.....dark......chocolate....

So.....Lime blogged about chocolate....and the Zodiac.... two of my favorite things -- put together! According to Chocolate Lime, I am an M&M. Now, Molly, (otherwise known as the voice in my head) had her own opinions on the advice. I've included her ran --err opinions in blue.

M&Ms (October 31-November23) You are a party animal. You're a bit frenetic at times, and, well "frenetic" sounds so much better than spastic, eh? Everyone notices you, but in a good way - not in that "omigawd, she's naked" bad dream kind of way. You bring a smile to everyone with your antics and enliven staid situations, usually with your disaster dates or your triumphant shopping trips. You don't have a lot of patience for the dark brooding types so stay away from Truffles, or you might find yourself unable to keep from yelling at them, Poe and Plath, Poe and Plath!" You'll get along with Chips who may help calm you down when you are too over the top, but then again, what's so good about peace, love, understanding, and calm? Let's go find you a real mate. So, Jayne, what kind of chocolate do you fancy?

Jayne: Well, I've always been fond of chocolate ice crea--

Jayne, even though Chocolate Ice Cream (January 19-February 16) is refreshing to be around, they require rather specific conditions to perform well. Conditions!?!? Does that mean like everything has to be THEIR way or NO WAY!?!? Chocolate Ice Cream can alternate between being a real drip and being downright frigid if not provided the right environment but those who treat Chocolate Ice Cream right are rewarded with real pleasure. Jayne, even though you are a tasty addition to this delightful dessert, I don't see it lasting.....for God's sake, he'll be a puddle of goo at your feet....or somewhere else.... NEXT!

Well....the candy bar and the nibs look kinda boring
Yup, and the ganache is a fricking, moody snob "POE AND PLATH!"
Molly
Sorry -- hey! how about chocolate cake!
Oh! I like chocolate cake

Well Chocolate Cake (May-16-June 21), like Ice Cream is popular and folks enjoy being around him. Sweetie, that means you might have to share the spotlight with him... He's more adaptable though and can navigate great formality or basic simplicity with ease. Hmpfh! He hasn't seen you in action! Chocolate Cake is a peacemaker who can even keep Ganache and Mousse together harmoniously. What is this with all the Ganache, Truffle and Mousse talk!?!? "POE and PLATH, for cryingoutfrickingloud! Stick your head in an ov-

Molly-
Sorry --
What's next?
Well, if we skip the truffles and the mousse
Yes, please,
and forget about Hot Chocolate - Good God, can you imagine the mess?
But don't I melt in your mouth not in your hand?
Hey! There's an idea -- something similar, but different. How about chips?
Chips?

Well, even though Chocolate Chips (August 12-September 17) wishes he had the strength to stand on his own but generally need the support of others, he makes up for this slight woosiness because his presence is often what strengthens those he is with. He adds a special sweetness to every setting he is in and makes people smile even when he is melting from the heat of the situation. That sounds hot!
No it doesn't.....it sounds like a gooey mess! Worse then the ice cream!! At least gooey ice cream can be licked off - Molly?

Sorry -- I went to the store --

Maybe I should just find another bag of M&M's.....peanuts, anyone?

The New/Improved "You Wanna Date APj?" Survey

::sigh::
My friends and co-workers are now sending me dating advice. Usually I ignore it....but this one was wonderful! I think I will add this to my new dating profile:

of course -- it is difficult for me to not put in my two cents -- so my bit is in purple.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
a. This means that dishes go in the dishwasher, dirty clothes go in the hamper, and the toilet seat is down.
b. I am pretty open-minded about your "Job." I know that I'm not usually attracted to the 9-5 kind of guy. But seriously? You need to do "something."

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
a. And that's "laugh" in a good way. Not in a "omigawdhereallydoesn'tthinkI'mgoingtobelievethatstory" way.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
a. You lie -- you die. Okay, maybe not in that 6-feet-under-die kind of way....but definitely it will be the death of "us."

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
a. Both love and spoil can be done on limited funds and without ever having to get dressed....


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Somebody To Love - Queen Live At The Bowl

FYI: 47 year-old divorcee looking for Mr. Right does not seem to be working. Seriously, no normal/quasi-normal guy between the ages of 30-55! Please note the age range. For some reason, the under-30 and over 60 bracket often inquire...My response: "Sorry, I don't do diapers.

Hmmmmm...perhaps I should use this song as my dating profile....

My Morning

I am not a morning person....but oh, how I love the mornings! If I can kick my butt outta da bed, and get moving, it really is a lovely part of the day. I went out yesterday morning and greeted the birds, and watched the sun come up.
First, I had to check on the snail trap (beer in a lid). It doesn't hurt the wildlife (as long as you don't consider drunk kitties and coyotes injured), but it looks kinda gross. "Hmm.....and people wanna eat these things?"
::sigh:: only the French could come up with that. Or Fear Factor! I wonder if they're French?
--I step up on the rock to look in the Pampas grass for snails (wow, look at the cow, I mean that calf. well-developed, eh?) No snails! I walk around the other side, and STILL NO SNAILS!!! (hmmm....but part of this bed is bare -- I need to put something there).

That, by the way, sounds like good advice: if you have a bare bed, put something there.










I continue around the yard, seeing which sprinklers need fixing, deciding the sprinklers really need to be on now (instead of off while I drag ass about fixing them) or the yard will never green up.










Wow! Can you see that? Look at the sunrise. Too far? Here......let me get closer for you....
















::sigh:: I really do love the mornings.....

Person of the Week

Sarah had this lovely idea to blog about a person who has had an impact (positive or negative) on your life. “What a lovely idea!” I thought, “I think I’ll do that.” And I promptly got busy/preoccupied/distracted.

But really…what a lovely idea. I’m thinking this could be a good exercise for me. I am going to try to do this weekly, although I don’t know if I’ll be doing it on a certain day (my whole “rules-schmules” mentality).

So without further ado….here is my first POW:

Chronologically, I haven’t known him long, but it feels like I’ve known him my whole life.
All ya’ll know me – you know how high up I’ve built the walls around me. It is safer that way – yes, yes, lonely, but safe is still good for me. I only let people in...just...so...far....

– or so I like to think. But this person is somehow able to see into my very core– and pluck pieces out. He takes my painful memories and experiences and turns them into things of beauty.

“Who, Jayne, who?” I hear you scream, “who can this be?”

Who else?

You all know how charming this badboy is – and what a talented singer/songwriter he is. I’ve shared the story of Savior of the Skies, a song written (ostensibly) about skydiving.

Howe ver, when I listen to it I find myself saying, “Wait up. Hold on, how did he know that?”

And now this one arrived in the mail last week. Kien said he was inspired by my goodbye to Rio. I have to share it with you, because it, like kien, touches to the very soul:

"The Days of Flying"

So hard to say goodbye
This is the end of a million years gone by
In the morning rays we spend
One last time like it will never end

I don't want to let you down
But you know I won't be around
I give you my love
I give you my love

In this field forever
You I will remember
Eternally
Yes, I see you're crying
But there were days of flying
Will always be

I don't want to let you down But you know I won't be around I give you my love You have my love always

Troubadour...thanks for letting me share this song.

Coldplay - Can't Get You Out Of My Head - Glastonbury 2005

I'm a bit distracted lately....

This Week's Love Horoscope

Dr. Horoscope? Are you there? What's the forecast for a Scorpio this week?

Well, APj, it seems that powerful feelings will produce an tense emotional atmosphere this week.

I've had enough of tense, thankyouverymuch. and emotional, for that matter. How 'bout we just give Jaynee some atmosphere this week?

Yes, yes, the urge for change excites some people but can make others feel insecure.

Okay, you lost me a bit with "urge," "change," and "excites." I kinda went-to-the-store-

Geez, I wish you'd stop interrupting. It is a very bad habit-

Sorry-

There you go again! Sometimes your behavior tends to be.....extreme. This...impulsiveness....can lead to a sudden love affair or an unexpected battle.

Wait a fricking second -- I know, I know - "I'm interrupting." But, seriously: you're giving me a choice between an affair or a battle? WTF!?!?!? I mean, how does that play out: "Hi, my name is Jayne. Take me to the store, or die."

-Jaynee, whether you're attracted to or repulsed by someone, the intensity is unlikely to last.

So whichever it is, it fizzles....that sorta sucks....

You could be in the mood to experiment later this week.

Now you're talking!

-as vivacious Venus is heating up your 5th House of Romance while Mars, your passionate ruling planet, is pushing against the Sun.

::sigh:: vivacious. heating up. passionate. pushing. Yup.....you guessed it: APj is running down the aisles of the store!

There are no halfway measures now, Scorpie. Your powerful emotions can take you to the limit and beyond.

To Infinity and Beyond!

No, wait....I think that one's taken already.

Okay all -- I'm ready. Love or Battle, bring it on.

I'm Back!

Amazing....the difference between how we perceive ourselves, and how the almighty BlogQuiz sees us...

My superpower is "cuddles!?!?!?" WTF!?!?!?!?
I am so done with using my power for good.....

So Hard to Say Goodbye

**Warning: Tearjerk Alert**I remember the day 18 years ago when he came to live with me: so tall, proud, and terrified. "What an oxymoron," I thought, "just like me: he only looks brave on the outside." The first time I rode him off the property he got frightened by: the mailbox, a for sale sign, a field pump, a bunny rabbit, and a shirt hanging on a clothes line. When a flock of birds flew out of a bush as we made it back to the house, he'd had enough. He stopped, looked over his shoulder at me, and begged me to carry him home.
Impossible, not only because of his weight, but his height. He was 16-3. That's 16+hands -- so tall that getting up on him was not always the easiest.
And smart: I only ever had to show him something once. He never forgot it: side pass, open the gate, back or change speed on a voice cue. Smart, but stubborn too. He refused to take a right lead - no matter how hard I tried to make him. Personally, I think he thought he was Secretariat (who also refused to take the right lead). Damn race horses!

Yes, Rio was originally a racehorse. He did well enough his first year, that he raced for another year and a half. I've shared the story of my pounding victory over Voldemort, but Rio loved to run just for the sheer pleasure of it. Many a leisurely stroll through the grapes culminated in us streaking through a just plowed field: him, reliving some past victory, and me, just trying to keep the tears from forming in my eyes as we flew across the ground.

Each year became harder and harder on my friend. I stopped riding him about three years ago -- he just was too thin, and his legs bothered him too much. But we still walked: he would follow me around the property, help me when I gardened, etc. Friends and neighbors gawked, smiled, and laughed at the sight of this tall old man following me around like a puppy. A 1200 pound puppy.

During the Rogue, Rio suffered a minor stroke. He had difficulty moving, and lost interest in eating. Daily and hourly I agonized over what I should do -- finally leaving the decision to my vet -- who has cared for Rio the entire 18 years I've had him.

Yesterday morning, Rio and I shared our last breakfast together: an apple. I sat in the field with my old friend, stroking his face, smelling his neck, and nuzzling his ears. I thanked him for his friendship, his love, and his ability to make me feel as if I were flying. And then the vet came, and I kissed him (one last time), and said goodbye.

Sorry to leave you with such a sad one - but it needed to be written. Yes, I know I did the right thing, and I know he's in a better place. But I'm still sad. Thanks lecram, kien and katie for all your love.
I leave in the morning for my annual trip to Mexico to build a house. It is good for me to get away. I promise to write something more upbeat upon my return

My ROGUISH 55!

Peeking through the stage door, I’m surprised by 101 peering eyes

Waiting for me. “Whose bloody idea was this!?!?!?” I seethe. Breathing deep (and putting on my big-girl-pants) I step onstage. “Did ya’ll really come to hear me talk about sex?” I challenge, "or do ya’ simply wanna go to the store with Airplane Jayne?”

I have two words for you. And no, they aren't, "You Suck."
although I have been know--
but wait, this is not about that -- this is about my Rogue Show. My two words are, "Sold Out." And not "sold out" in that caved in to the material world way - I mean "sold out" as in "holy-shit-what-the-hell-are-all-those-people-doing-out-there" kinda way.
So my sold-out-wednesday show led to me getting this:

Holy shit...
But seriously, I am having a blast (even if I'm a wreck for twenty minutes before I go on stage). I'm getting some nice press also:

Mia Paschal (one of the most talented performers I have seen): This funny and moving work boasts subtly solid writing, and a very strong performance.

Solitaire: the connection she made with the audience during her performance allowed everyone to root for her and be on her side, and when she talks about the divorce papers my heart broke

Eric (yes, yes, it's long...but theres' some good stuff there!): you want to just hold her so the lights don’t sting her eyes, realizing that she’s priceless
-and she’s only three feet away.

Steve: Out Standing! I was amazed her first excursion into writing and solo performance. WEll written, confidently performed and wonderfully entertaining!

**Tune in here later to see what Steve wrote to Drew...You remember Drew, yes? From here.**

Dear Drew,
Well, it did go down and I mean down. I was shocked to see 20 people in the audience, then realized she took your advice and packed the house with PTS Iraq veterans......

....So it seems a group of recovering alcoholics wandered in and, hearing Jayne go on, just assumed it was an AA meeting.

...Anyway, Jayne attempted to explain it was NOT an AA meeting:

"Sir, this is not an AA meeting. And Iam not an alcoholic."
"Sure, Lady, that's what they all say. You're in denial."
"No, I'm in the Rogue."
"Call it what you want; it's still denial."
"No Sir! This is my show!"
"Yes, it is. But it's customary to let others speak at these meetings, you know."

Sarah Silverman

This cracked me up!!!!!! Sorry.....I've gotta go......cause, cause, I'm f#@king Matt Damon...

Action Hero!

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Maximus After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. Maximus 67% El Zorro 67% James Bond, Agent 007 63% Lara Croft 58% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% William Wallace 54% Indiana Jones 50% Neo, the "One" 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 42% Batman, the Dark Knight 42% The Terminator 38%

I'm going with my "rules schmules."
(f#$K you Lecram -- I'm doing it this time!)
Maximus!?!?!? I mean PUH-leees -- have you seen his shoes!?!?!? I wouldn't be caught dead in those, and we all know it.

But Zorro......I mean - he wears BOOTS! And we ALL remember my....affinity....for boots.

Friday 55 - A Cool October Night...

“Are the Stars Out Tonight?”
Living in the country, I’ve grown used to looking up and seeing stars. Rarely takes my breath away…let alone make my knees buckle. Yet, there I was, anchorless, staring at their vastness, closing my eyes, I Star Danced ‘cross the sky, pausing planets, skipping stars, and riding meteors.

*If you've never read Stardance, by Spider and Jeanne Robinson, I highly suggest it.

Top Ten!

So.....I received this Valentine card -
no, no, I am following the lead of my tight-lipped friends and not sharing from whom it came.
--oh, and yes, I used "tight-lipped" and "not sharing" on purpose.
Especially in respect to the subject matter....


-and of course, it got me thinking! (yes, yes, it sent me to the store also -- where I just ran around the parking lot in circles)

But exactly
HOW is a BJ like Flowers?!?!?!?

9. they come in all different sizes

8. they always bring a smile to your face.

7. because sometimes it really is about the length of the stem

6. they are never refused at the door.

5. If they don’t last long enough, you want it redelivered

4. You might say it doesn’t matter, but inside you’re jealous when others get them and you don’t

3. Although always appreciated, they are best when least expected

2. they make up for mistakes made earlier.

1. if delivered to the wrong person, it could cause problems for the relationship.

Oops....my Top 10 is only 9 deep.......can you think of one to add?

Jayne is nekkid in the parking lot of Costco....

I SWEAR I did not cheat on this contest!!!
This was my Valentine's card from Erynn.....



Take the Quiz


Brad, Brad....Where are you!?!?!?!?!?

...Hey Man, there's only one thing, and one car that will do..

You all seemed to enjoy my emails last week, so I'm going to share another one.
Hey, I'm busy trying to get this stupid show ready for the Rogue. "Whose idea was this?" I fume. "Oh yeah....Steve"
Steve, aka Obi-Overlord emails me daily to either threaten or coax me regarding my upcoming Rogue performance, alias "Jayne and the I.B.S. show."
--Which reminds me: do any of you know where can I get my hands on astronaut diapers?
Speaking of astronaut diapers, here's the latest reparte:

Dear APj,

Have you seen this car? Ok not this exact one but my 1994 Subaru which is charcoal Grey ( black) and was stolen from in front of my house on Friday.

Yes

Who would want that car?

Why would someone steal it?

If you can answer that question in 25 words or less you can have the car...well what is left of it if it comes back.

What might still remain?

How about

a roof rack

my earthquake gear - tent, MREs, stove, 2 rolls of quarters, a 1990 ski coat and much much more!

a Buddha statue ( lotta good that did

empty water bottles

a 1 ton car jack

a hiking stick

and of course car parts

but honestly I do hope it does not return as well........it just won't be the same. So don't pray to St. Anthony

Thanks

Steven

To which I responded:

Steven,

I don't remember the roof rack. Are you hoping that when the car returns, the cops (with the 95% recovery rate) will say, "shit! It had a roof rack, we'd better go find one."

empty water bottles. Like those are SO going to help when you're stranded, eh? I mean, the tent: great. MRE's (taste like shit, but hey shit's better than shitless): fine. But what the hell you gonna wash shit down with? Don't tell me you were planning on that whole "drinking your own urine" thing. gross.

What were the quarters for? Impersonating footage?

crap -- that's a whole lot more than 25 words.....let me try again. Give me a do-over.
-btw, I so want a do-over, or a do-again, or a do-it-baby-one-more-time (ala Britney, but not all bald and stuff).


25 word ode to Steven's Subaru:

He stole the car cause he was singing, “Pink Cadillac”

and that line about how "it’s better than a Subaru."

Is it?

Now we’ll know.

Oh, hot damn. I am good.

APj

Dear Contestants of the Subaru Contest:

Note: Good news/Bad News

The car was found, intact and in ………….Fremont, CA.

So the answer was ‘joyriding’ it seems. Which I understand because I have ridden with joy for years in that car.

However, contents of backseat were taken. Not all but you do not want what was left trust me.

Taken was my big black box of Earthquake Preparedness:

-Several bottles of Evian water ( if we have a crisis why not have the best)

-the MRE’s cira 1985 ( Bochna can you get me some more before you retire?)

- Ramon Noodles-

-my new spirit burning stove ( alcohol not other world spirits)

- Columbia ski coat circa 1994

-misc camping gear- penknife, flashlight etc

-baby and astronaut diapers

-a list of my enemies

So...we regret to inform you that prize swag is no longer available.

However as the winner you are welcome to cruise around in the Subaru anytime.

The winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Ron Darcy

Ron is a NY Firefighter, father of 2, buyer of pint rounds, a national and world champion Thumb Wrestler ( he took the gold for the US in the 94 Zurich games) and all around great guy.

yes steven.. i have your car..

i had one already and i needed this second one to match.. you see i remove the rear window, slip my feet in them, pull up the rear bumper and rollerskate around the neighborhood,

love shelly... sorry it was 37 words

Airplane Jayne came in 2^nd place. Although a good effort it was just not her best. I assume she is focused on her first one women show premiering in the Rogue Festival 2008 in Fresno. Go Jayne!

To which, of course, I replied:
Dear Obe-overlord,

Cheese and Rice.
No wonder you're a SUBSTITUTE teacher. You obviously don't understand the whole "giving instructions and expecting others to follow it." Nope. Just read what's on the paper, and whatever they turn in is fine!

WTF!?!?!?

How. PRAY TELL ME HOW does 37 words win a 25-words-or-less contest!?!?!?!?!?
I'll tell you: SEX. That's it. SEX. I don't care who Mr. Darcy f#$!ed - it wasn't me. Oh - by the way, you do remember I've a thing for firefighters.....

Whatevah.
I am working on my show, and having tons of sex.

okay, only half of that is true....

xoxo,
APj

I've Got Friends in low places....

Sorry I have been remiss in my blogging. The Rogue is quickly approaching
-what is that light at the end of the tunnel? EGADS!!!! It's the train!! Run for your lives!!! The Plow is coming! It's moving day!!! (that last is courtesy of "The Secret of NIMH")

-quickly approaching, and I'm busy. No other excuse. Just busy. Busy helping with stuff not done, busy helping with stuff to do, busy making a list of stuffees and stuffors....
::sigh::
I just love looking at the pics in the Rogue Map....

and then, of course, I've got to deal with my friends.
Friends who would prefer to yammer on behind my back, but just can't help themselves, so they THEN send copies of the DRIVEL to me.
Because they think they are so funny.
-not-
And, because we are talking ME, we all know that I share everything.
sorry, it's true: I'm a talker. Not many secrets when it comes to me....

So, here's the tripe from my friends:
Dearest Drew,

I am writing in regards to the impending APJ one-women show. To be blunt you must attend because I - not you- will hear about it forever and she'll even blog about it and then ask if I've read it. I do not read her blogs as a substitute teacher I confiscate and read aloud poorly written notes by immature girls all day. But in regards to her show, look at it this way - it one of the few times that you will know for sure that Jayne will be jabbing on for 45 minutes without anyone else getting in a word edgewise. As opposed to any other time when you fool yourself thinking 'Oh maybe she'll let me talk this time?' My point at least we know what we're getting into and we don't have to fain interest with " oh really" or " that's nice' ...speaking of what to wear I suggest kilts, official of course. So we can sit in the front row spread our legs- I will expose my shortcomings and you can expose the 8,9 and 10th wonder of the world.
Love,
Steve

Darling Steven:

What is this about a one woman show with APJ? This is the first I have heard about it....and the last I hope. It is a pity it is being held on the one night I am not available.
Let me know about the train wreck that is APJ's introduction into showbiz. Please tell me she is not doing a one woman version of the Vagina Monolgue - I only hope she gets a bikini wax - last time it looked like a bikini spider contest; I though the woman had Don King tucked into her panties. I am shocked and appalled that she has not let me know - maybe she is waiting until she gets her act down before she wants me to see it - which means I need not have to make arrangements in this lifetime....
Love,
Drew

My Darling APJ:

Word on the street - the street of broken dreams no less - is that you are planning on doing a one woman show......

No Janey - surely you remember the last time you tried this you had all that trouble keeping the ping pong balls from falling out, and when you did 'shoot' them out it was more of a dribble; and the donkey falling over and dying from exhaustion.
Anyway - you have to tell me all about this folly and hopefully you will not be doing interpretive dance or worse still, speaking through your vagina and manipulating a ventriloquist dummy's mouth. I did that show myself once and it is not as appreciated by the crowds as you might think.
Yours fondly,
Drewsy

Drew, my love,

Manwhore,oops, I mean, Man-that-I-adore,What are you doing out on the streets? Has Ryan finally come to his senses and put you out? I do hope he let the girls stay....it really wasn't there fault about the dead hamster... I do hope you finally came clean about that incident. Really, how you expected to keep that a secret: after all, you DO live in Hollywood.

I will type slowly so as not to confuse you:itwasn't pingpongballs.it was bowlingballs. Hey, they were heavier than I thought. You try holding a ball up your ass-nevermind, I know for a fact that YOU have been there...on numerous occassions!
Oh, and FYI, it wasn't a donkey -- it was a waiter HUNG like a donkey....I think his name was Martin. You remember Martin, don't you? So-totally-NOT-gay-Martin from my fab-u-lous birthday party in "The HollywoodHills?" ::sigh:: May Martin rest in peace...

alas, I will not be manipulating any dummy's mouth -- because my favorite dummy (YOU) won't leave his home to come see me shine. Yes, my sweet, I will tell you aaaaallll about it -- but I probably won't have to: CNN and MTV are planning full coverage. Watch and weep, my sweet. Watch and weep.-or-be the man whore -oops, man-I-adore,and come to Fresno for the day to see my show. I've a room the girls can wait in behind the stage. With treats. and cute boys for them to frolic or fuck. Their choice.

Love,

The ever-sexy AirplaneJayne
ps: thanks for reminding me about the wax job. Brazilian it is. I just love those boys from South America.....

Steve,

Kiss my ass, pull my hair and admit it: you don't read my blog because it's funny. And it just bugs you how funny I am.

::sigh:: the lengths -OH...the LENGTHS--I've gone to for you....the things I did -- and STILL you didn't write my show.

whatevah,

Love and kisses,

The always funnier APj
ps. I do hope my new magnifying glass is powerful enough to see and enjoy your shortcomings from the stage...